Not Gay Enough

I have an issue with the LGBT group on campus. It's not about the messages they are trying to send or the efforts they undertake to make LGBT issues on campus more visible, it's how they go about doing it.

I was recently elected to the board of my school's LGBT organization and almost immediately I felt tension between myself and the rest of the members. I tried to keep it as internalized as I could, and so far I hope I've done it well. After today however, I am beginning to question just how long I will be able to do so. Let me explain.

In all honesty, I feel the LGBT organization here at my school does a poor job of representing the gay community on campus. The board members, as nice and well intentioned as they are, represent only the most extreme of the socially and stereotypically "gay" community. This is where I feel out of place and at odds against the rest of the board. Yes, I am obviously gay, but I'm also not very "gay acting" in the stereotypical sense. So while the rest of the board is singing, going out to a drag show brunch in DC, buying wigs, and being well...really gay, I'm feeling not only excluded and unable to identify with what they seem to enjoy, but even uncomfortable.

For me, being gay is the part of me which regards my sexual preference towards men, not necessarily how I act, my music preferences, going out habits, or something else. So while I'm happy chilling with my roommates, being involved with the grilling club, and even tossing around the word "bro" and "man" now and then, my fellow board mates, I feel, seem to view what I do with an air of curiosity and even disapproval. Quite honestly, I don't feel gay enough to be part of the organization at the level at which I am now obligated to be in.

A fellow member made a comment a week ago which struck me as both odd and even slightly offensive. We were discussing casually how some event turnout is low, and he casually said:

"Those gays who conform to the straight norm, I hate them"

For being a group so concerned with equality and the right to self expression, I found this off handed remark to be both shocking and disappointing. By saying that, I felt like he was implying that being "straight acting" or even just not being like him, an out and somewhat flamboyant gay man, was wrong. While I didn't address the issue then and there, I found myself angry later on because I identified with that group he had just expressed hatred towards. By no means am I "conforming" to anything. I do what I do and act how I act because that is what I'm comfortable doing. I am not putting on a show, literally "acting" like a straight male, because I feel pressured to do so; I act "straight" because that is just how I naturally act. I'm gay because I like guys, not because I have to act a certain way.

Getting back to the point, the LGBT organization I feel is a poor representation of what I feel the LGBT community at my school is. Gay students at my school range from the gayest, most flamboyant of men and the butchest of lesbians to the most ordinary and "straight acting" men and women. Upcoming events, including the annual drag dance, are proposed to be advertised with drag queens riding on the back of a golf cart and lots of rainbow flags and glitter. In addition, all of this is to be done during an accepted students weekend, where high school seniors ill be visiting campus and deciding if they want to come to my school or not. I feel this plan is a horrible idea and I wish I had the courage to speak up at the time to voice my objection to this. Not only does it send the wrong message that being "gay" at my school is only about the aforementioned things, but it only reinforces the stereotypes about the LGBT community on a camps which is already not the most gay friendly in the world. I'm actually worried that some bright prospective students could be scared off if they saw that.

With events like these and the means by which they are being publicised, I feel like it's my duty to bring some balance to the club and be the voice of a group that is often ignored. While the other board members are too preoccupied with gay power, rainbows, and glitter bombing people (yes, it was an actual comment/suggestion made), I feel like I need to be the voice that speaks up and explains maybe why a large portion of the LGBT community feel alienated by the club's activities. Maybe if they get the message that people might actually be uncomfortable by what they are doing by being the voice and face of the LGBT community, they might recognize why event attendance is so low. There are many faces to being gay, and right now, only a very small handful are being shown by the club. This has been a reason told to me by a few of my gay friends as to why they don't show up at club sponsored events, because they think an affiliation between them and the club is undesirable.

Next week, I hope to open a discussion during our weekly board meeting and address some of these issues. As the club is supposed to be about inclusion and bringing the voice of LGBT students and issues to the university community, I feel that it is time that the club be brought more towards the center of the gay spectrum. The clubs needs to project an image that says yes, it's OK to be gay and like sports and that it is just as OK to be gay and enjoy going to drag shows every weekend. Maybe, hopefully, the club could then grow and be a student organization that all LGBT individuals could be proud to say they're a member of and willingly attend events of, rather than the small, consistent group now that exists now.

JP

Welcome Back - Spring 2013

Hey guys. It's been a little while but I do have some updates I want to pass along. First, I'm all moved in back on campus! Classes started on Wednesday so I began moving my stuff on Monday. One of my roommates moved back already so me and another guy took advantage of that so it wouldn't be such a mess on the actual move-in date on Tuesday. I'm finally out of dorm housing and am now in an apartment which is still school owned. It's a two bedroom, four person flat with a massive living/dining room but a tiny kitchen; it gets the job done though. The guys I'm living with are really awesome. I've known all of them since at least Sophomore year if not longer, and yes, I'm out to all of them: two of them since freshman year, and they're cool with it all and really supportive.

I'm taking five classes this semester: Advanced International Business, Business Law, Management Science and Decision Making, Buyer Behavior, and for kicks Sounds of Language which is a linguistics class. I only have classes Mon-Thur which is sweet but I did have to take an 8AM class to get it which is kind of a pain. So far, my classes already seem much more difficult than Denmark which is expected, but getting back into the groove of things is still going to be a challenge. Advanced IB is also the last class in order to complete my International Business major so that will probably be a lot of work. The other classes are basically working towards my Marketing major (it's official, I got my faculty advisor signatures and did all the paperwork) and the Linguistics class is basically going to a liberal arts credit. The linguistics class is actually a class I thought would be pretty simple but now I'm kind of scared because I will have to learn and be able to reproduce the International Phonetic Alphabet which entails learning this which is more than a little intimidating. If anyone out there has taken a linguistics course or is a linguistics major/nerd do you have any tips?  Other than that, I'm expecting this semester to be pretty challenging so I gotta be sure to balance work/play.

Other than school stuff, I'm looking for summer internships. Most companies who are posting summer internships are mostly large investment banking and consulting firms like Barclays, Goldman, Credit Suisse which don't really fit into my major. I'm just looking and hoping something shows up. It's nerve racking since almost everyone else in the business school (aka Finance majors) is constantly going to networking events and scrambling to get in their applications for the summer while I'm kinda stuck until more marketing type internships open up. I talked to one of the marketing professors who pointed me in the directions of a few government agencies which I think I'm going to look into like the Department of Commerce which could be a good bet. One thing that does annoy me about my school is that while it does attract some very well known and powerful recruiters, it's such a finance-centric atmosphere that it leaves many others who aren't in the field or major a bit out of the loop. Nevertheless, the two professors I talked to said later in the semester there will be more opportunities for networking events with more marketing type firms which I'll attend. I'll also have to go to some on-campus interviewing workshop for later in the semester when even more recruiters start coming on campus.

Yesterday was the Spring activities fair where basically all the clubs and organizations come out and table for all the students to come see what they're all about. First I helped with the the grilling club which is doing well; in the semester me one of my roommates who is also in the club were gone, the number of new members - freshmen and sophomores, went up at least 50% which is pretty awesome. They all seem really nice and kinda shy at first (perks of being senior to them haha) but they open up quickly. There's a pair of them at the post-grill party who were hella good at beer pong though. They were on a 8 game winning streak when I left last night which probably is a new record. Me and my roommate E were ahead until the last cup when they narrowed it down to 1-to-1 and bounce shotted it in. Overall though, the weather was beautiful and the grill was sucessful. I also did some tabling for the LGBT club on campus. It went well but I don't feel as particularly close to them as I used to, I guess mostly because many of the members don't really have enough in common with me for something like that. Most of the guys in the club are, and I don't mean this in a derogatory way, really, really gay. Like, you can tell after two seconds gay. Everyone should be happy with who they are and whatever they do, but for me, it makes being able to identify with the rest of the LGBT population for difficult. I'll probably go into depth about this more in the future post since I've been thinking about this for a while now.

Alright, well that's what's been going on in the past few days in a nutshell. Hopefully I will find time to write in the future once classes really start getting underway. I'm planning to start a series of posts regarding stereotypes in the LGBT community and specifically its impact in a college atmosphere so hopefully you guys will find that interesting. I did a similar post a few years ago which you can read here but I plan on expanding and going into more depth in this series.

Cheers everyone; I hope everyone is doing well.

All the best,

JP

We Will Marry The Crap Out Of Them

CollegeHumor's Favorite Funny Videos

Such a Flirt

I hate it when my straight guy friends play flirt with me. It's so hot but it's the biggest tease in the entire world.



#gayboyproblems #notcoolbro

Meeting Other Gay Guys

I got the following email from an Australian reader of mine asking me for some advice regarding his current situation, and while I cannot claim I'm an expert in the field in any ways, here's my best swing at answering it:

Hello JP,

Originally I was going to ask for advice about some sort of problem I think I have but I kinda think I just have to speak to my friend about it and see what he thinks. Anyway a bit of background information on me. I'm 19, living in Sydney and studying. I've read your blog for quite a bit I think (maybe a year) and all the older bits too because other people's lives are always more interesting than study haha. I think you're about roughly the same age as me but it seems like you've got a lot more things going on in your life than I do! Anyway I'm wondering how many other gay people do you know an how'd you meet them? I'm asking this because in my immediate and not so immediate group of friends there's actually no one I know is gay which can feel a bit isolating. You don't sound like you're a depressed, think they'll be forever alone kinda guy so I'm assuming you're not as cut off from the gay community as I am (not saying I think I'll be forever alone or whatnot... whatever). I'm not too eager to use internet methods to meet other guys as it seems kinda seedy and the university LGBT group, well I've gotten up the lift but never really made it past the corner haha. So yeah... that's basically it.

________________________________________________

Now of course there are a lot of different variables which can influence what you should and should not do in a situation such as this but here's my take. I hope it's helpful for you if you have a similar dilemma:

Regarding your first question, I would say that I know quite a large number of gay individuals at my school. It would be difficult to put a solid number on it but more than two dozen would be safe. I don't necessarily know all these people well or personally, but I know most of them to be considered at least acquaintances. Despite this big number, it wouldn't surprise me if there are many closeted individuals that I know but who I just haven't come out to me or anyone else for that matter.

When it comes to how I met them, I would say the majority is through just everyday interaction and chance and happenstance. I didn't go out seeking them per se, it usually just ended up just being us hanging out and then something came up in conversation that ended up with us coming out to each other. Since I quietly "came out" during my freshman year, all my close friends know that I'm gay and a good amount of people outside my core groups know as well. I'm not really flamboyant or anything so some people who I have met recently don't know and it can get a little awkward if they start talking about the hot chick at the party or something but it's never bad. My personal policy is to not toss around "hey, I'm gay" unless someone actually asks me or unless the situation really calls for it. Since you never know somebody's reaction, I like to keep things as drama free as possible and assess the situation before I do anything like come out to someone I've just met or recently met.

I've also met a few other gay guys through my friends and some of the clubs I've involved in (Pride included). Since I do publicity work for one of the theatre groups, I've met my fair share of gay guys there, though none of them are really my type. My campus Pride organization of course was a good way to meet others. My campus Pride holds general body meetings every few weeks where there is a discussion topic. Last meeting was just after the Superbowl here in the US and it focused on the gay community and sports and the relationship between the two. Of course, this is probably the most direct way to meet with certainty other gay guys at school. As I mentioned, my friends have also led me to meet a few other gay guys. I like to keep a few circles of close friends rather than just one but through my circles, I've become close friends with a few individuals and they will be like - "Hey, did you know ____was gay?" which of course spurs conversation and such and even occasionally an introduction to that other person. What I like about this is that everything is kept very casual and comfortable which is something I really enjoy.

Now I don't know how out or semi-out you are at school but the first step I would say is to find a really good, close friend you can come out to if you haven't already. This breaks the ice and gets everything rolling. From then on, you can start looking out to meeting other gay people. My first piece of advice to you on meeting other gay guys would be to not push yourself beyond what you're comfortable doing. It's a rather sensitive subject and taking things slowly would be best. The environment in Australia is generally more liberal than the area where I attend school which I think could work into your favour. If you're afraid of attending a pride meeting, maybe I would suggest bringing said close friend as an "ally" to the meeting with you. This could help calm any nerves you have about going alone. Second, I don't know how big your school is, but it wouldn't surprise me if you asked someone you know well whether they know of any other gay people on campus that they would tell you "yes". Often it's someone you never knew was gay because they never fit into any of the established stereotypes that usually tip you off. If that person is comfortable with his/her sexuality, maybe you could find some way to talk to them and get their input about LGBTQ life at your school as I'm sure they would know much more about it than I would. This would be a great way to start meeting other people and branch out. Finally, if your school has a LGBTQ resource center of some sort, I've found those to be a great resource in general. They often put on events that aren't as "loud" as general Pride events which could be good for you.

Best of Luck!

__________________________________

As I said, your situation and environment can vary but in my view, I think this is a good broad overview.

If you have any questions you would like to ask me please feel free to write; I love to hear from my readers :)


All the best,

JP

Awkward....

So I found out one of the guys I've been talking to on Grindr is actually one of my friends. I know without a doubt it's him and he knows the guy he's been talking with is me. I'm not terribly surprised this guy was into guys in retrospect but he's really closeted and I think he might be really freaked out right now that I found out in the way I did.

We haven't spoken since this incident occured a few hours ago.

This is awkward....

No Homo

I never understood the necessity of the existstance of the phrase "No Homo". Are some guys really so insecure that they will believe that friends would misinterpret something like "I love you guys" said in a perfectly platonic, amicable sense as sexual? It's not like they're blind or deaf to tone, setting or whatever else would differentiate something to be more intimate in or just friendly. Thankfully, I've noticed that this was mostly a high school phenomena as I've rarely have heard it in college (not to say that there isn't some hate towards gays, because there is). I have a feeling it's mostly a phase kids go through (haven't we heard that somewhere before?) when they just don't fully understand something yet and are just afraid of bring called "gay", especially in the confines of secondary school where labels are especially powerful in determining whether you're one of the "cool" kids or not.

I realize that for closeted guys who use the phrase out of necessity or to hide their true desires, "No Homo" can be painful to say, not outwardly, but on the inside. It's a stupid phrase but at least it's not as widespread as it could be like what happened with "That's so gay".

Well, now I have something I hope you guys will enjoy. Yeah, "No Homo" just became funny. So sit back, relax, and pass the nuts!...No Homo.



Enjoy Your Weekend!

All the best,

JP

Distractions

Click to Enlarge

It's like I'm not gay enough for them sometimes.

Mon Dieu!

What to do. what. to. do.

I’ve got a dilemma on my hands, something that’s been bugging for quite some time now, and it’s only getting worse as school approaches closer. The dilemma involves my roommate and telling him about my sexuality. It’s kinda sad how this is actually such a big deal and how much stress it’s causing me but I digress. So as you guys do or do not know, doesn’t matter now, I’ve been talking to my roommate for some time now. He’s awesome, essentially a more athletic, black version of me. He loves to laugh and even though we haven’t met, we’ve been talking about all sorts of things and have room planning all under control. And yes, he’s straight and he has a girlfriend who I said wouldn’t mind having over from time to time and that I’ll respect their privacy if they respect mine.

Awesome then, right? Well, if you’ve followed my journey through my roommate search process, you possibly know of my difficulties finding a roommate. My school has a “roommate dating service” where you fill out a questionnaire about yourself and can anonymously chat with possible close matches. Well, the first two people I chatted with didn’t work out so well. Actually, the first guy went really well at first, we chatted and found out we had a ton in common, he even talked about his family and little siblings. But as time wore on, the time came where I felt like I should tell him about me being gay. Well, I got a clue about his possible reaction when I found out that he was a devout Catholic and went to Catholic Prep School but I decided to take my chances. Well, I messaged him in a rather long winded manner that I’m gay but it isn’t a defining feature and all that jazz, but after a few days of no response I sorta got the idea…we were through. Understandable, but it hurt nevertheless.

Number two went along the same path, things looked good and I tried to possibly softening the blow by telling him I was bi instead, well that didn’t work either lol.

Finally, there were a few final guys but I’ll skip those until we reach my current roommate. He was also a cool guy but this time, I made no mention of my sexuality, the deadline was approaching quickly and I really wanted this whole debacle to be over with. Fast forward a few months and we end at the present day. I’ve ignored the elephant in the room but now it’s time to face the issue, at least in the near future. So I don’t really know how to tell him. I feel like he deserves to know and so does my best friend Maria. I don’t feel like being upfront about it will work too well, it will probably freak him out more than anything. I could also leave subtle hints, like about how I support gay marriage and am taking part in a LGBT-oriented orientation presentation. Another possibility is that I could chicken out and tell him through some long winded letter. Then again, I could just not tell him, but that leaves open the possibility of him finding out from someone else, or even worse finding me with some guy...in the dorm. To my knowledge he isn’t a terribly religious person, he went to a public school like me and he grew up in the area as well, hopefully that could play into my favour. In spite of all of this though, I don’t know what to do. I feel lost.

So I ask for your advice,

What should I do?
Qu’est-ce que je dois faire?
¿Qué debo hacer?

All the best,

It's not a choice

I promised I would go deeper on what happened at the party and whatnot but I have to place it on the back burner at least for the moment.

I got into a semi-argument with my mom just now. I say semi-argument because it was mostly a one-sided lay-on-the-guilt spree with my mom complaining that I never open up or talk about anything with her anymore. Well, I normally just stay quiet during these "arguments" and ride it out with a summer storm, but today things got a little different. After some time of saying how I never open up anymore, she stated that we "needed to have another one of those talks about that 'choice' you made..." O how I wish those words were never spoken.

Now, while I didn't exactly blog about it, about a week or so after I came out to my mom, we had a talk. It was strange moment for me, because it was then that my mom showed her true feelings about having a gay son. She cried and blamed herself and asked if I had gay friends who turned me gay and whatnot which is all obviously nonsense (the turning me gay part). She was obviously upset and it made me sad that things weren't going nearly as smoothly as I hoped. By the end of what was a long, emotional, question-heavy, and teary heart-to-heart, she said she was glad we discussed it and we shared a nice hug. Since then, the subject of my sexuality sorta disappeared off the radar, right up till just now.

So, right after she said those words, my immediate thought was "Fuck Dammit! It's not a choice, we talked about this for over two hours, I thought you finally understood me and accepted this!" which was immediately followed by the thought "Please don't make me go through one of those 'talks' again." I guess when she said this a switch clicked in my brain because what was just standing around in the kitchen suddenly became me blurting out "It's not a choice" with a rather angry tone and me angrily walking away. The quasi-argument sorta ended then but I ended up angrier but also really upset that things didn't progress. The one person in my family who I thought I could trust and had the courage to actually tell is turning out to be the exact kind of person I would have avoided telling altogether if I had foresight of what was to come. I ended up crying while sitting on the bathroom floor for a good 30 minutes afterwards and I'm still really upset right now.

I still have one more day off before second semster starts but what was seemingly an excellent weekend turned out not being quite as bright as I hoped.

JP

p.s. - I promise I'll eventually get back to the Jersey Shore themed Birthday party, just give me some time.

Houston's First Openly Gay Mayor

***Annise Parker, Houston's First openly gay mayor***

This just recently came out on the news wires but Houston, Texas elected its first openly gay mayor! Annise Parker won with about 54% of the votes, defeating her opponent, Gene Locke.

After Locke conceded defeat, Parker told reporters -

"This election has changed the world for the gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgendered community. Just as it is about transforming the lives of all Houstonians for the better, and that's what my administration will be about,"

During her campaign, her opponent received support from anti-gay groups who sent out pamphlets to voters which condemned Parker for being a lesbian. Fortunately, her opponent distanced himself from these groups though I have a feeling the link unfortunately remained in the eyes of many.

Parker is now the mayor of the United States's fourth largest city. I'm really happy for Parker's win in this election. While Houston is predominately democratic, it will be interesting to see what kind of impact this will ultimately have on a larger scale. Hopefully this foreshadows steps forward for the gay community, especially in lieu of recent national and international events like Uganda's "Kill the Gays" bill.

Read more! **or else ;)**

Houstons First Gay Mayor

Uganda's "Kill the Gays" Bill

In speaking about politicians, does anyone else think Representative Aaron Schock of Illinois is smokin? We just began a Congress project in government and he was my group's choice for "freshman member"

All the best,

JP

Homecoming Part Deux and BFs

I promised I would go into greater detail as to what went on during homecoming so here I go- As I said dinner was good, ableit service being rather on the lethargic side and we arrived at the school around 9:30. For the majority of the dance I was with my crew group and for the most part the music wasn't that good (what's new?) but occasionally a few danceable songs were thrown in. It seemed this year turnout was smaller than in previous years but one thing that was the same was the heat and humidity. Our homecoming is held in the school gym and needless to say an over 40 year old air conditioning and ventilation system is not going to cope well with the amount of heat and sweat of a gym full of moving teenagers. Also, let me just say, what the hell happened to actual dancing at a dance? The majority of the people were in grind trains or were packed so close together you could count how many eyelashes someone has (wtf was that analogy?)Later on in the night people started to leave so things quieted down a bit, the final two songs were Mr. Brightside by The Killers (totally my 8th grade jam) and Don't Stop Belivin' by Journey, a rather strange ending slow dance in my opinion. But overall, this was a pretty cool homecoming, the only thing which could have made it better would have been if I had a date but I'll discuss that later.

Now that I've come out to someone in my family, I'm making an attempt to come out all the way at school. Apart from the dozen or so who already know, I don't think if it has gotten out yet eventhough I've told everyone that I don't really care if people know anymore. While finally almost coming out at school feels great, one thing that I really want/is bothering me is my lack of a boyfriend. As most of you know of my love for someone named Matt, I'm trying to get across to myself that I'm 92% sure he's straight and that this will get nowhere and that I'm wasting my time. Needless to say this is proving to be rather difficult (I've liked him for almost two years now >.<) so maybe I should take things one step at a time and get over him before I make any new moves no matter how long it will take.

The problem is that at my school it's particularly difficult to find any other gay or bi guys mostly because the ones that are out are not who I'm looking for and all the others are either in the closet or I just don't know they exist. My bit of applied statistics in a previous post worked out about 7 or 8 gay/bi guys in my senior class, I forgot whether if I included myself in that or not. Even so, I only know of three gay/bi guys in my class which leaves over half either a mystery to me or are in the closet, all statistically of course. So I'm stuck, really, none of the guys that are out appeal to me and all the others can't be found. I know that maybe I should open up my mind and look at those who I know are out, but even with that things still don't' work.

So, have any advice? Things aren't really in my control but I really want to be in some relationship before high school ends, don't want to sound needy or anything, it's just the truth.

All the best,

JP

Gay Homecoming King?

Hey everyone, so today went by pretty smoothly; I retook my math test, finished my Physics lab and had a good day in journalism and the weather is pleasantly cool and autumn-like. Ordinary day then? well, not really. Let me provide a background info, last week, my school held nominations for this year's homecoming court, the top five guys and top five girls in the senior class vote-wise get inducted into the court and then "compete" for the title of homecoming king and queen. Now, my friends have had a little thing where we always nominate each other and think nothing of it really (there are over 600 seniors). Now, fast forward to today in journalism, my teacher has a habit of calling people over to tell them something with a very angry voice and face, making you think you've done something wrong. Well, today, he did just that but rather than yelling at me like I feared, he referred me to another school staff member to gave be a packet and simply told me "congratulations, you've been nominated into the homecoming court". Now, at this point I was in total shock and was speechless and simply stood there looking at the packet with a blank stare before awkwardly walking away and getting back to my computer. In the packet, it details how I have to attend essentially 5 meetings and take the famous walk down the football field with a date during the homecoming pep rally between now and mid-late October. On the drive home, I talked to my friend about all of this and whatnot and I think that this might just be a good time to possibly make a move. I've considered coming out to everyone in my school for quite some time and maybe this might just be the time. I honestly don't care if I win or not but what if I somehow do? How would a predominately liberal high school react to having a gay homecoming king? This isn't unheard of, last year, a school in Kansas elected a gay homecoming king to national media attention. The guy's name was Matthew Pope who attended Shawnee Mission East High School, you can read more about his story here . So yeah, this could turn out to be a pretty interesting year. Heck, I don't know if I'll go through with this, but the thought of this still intrigues me...

*blushes*

Hello everyone. First, let me address the semi new template Fer kindly commented on in the last post, it isn't a "new" template per say but just a revision of the existing one. I've been trying to install a new template from the Internet for the past few weeks, all of which Blogger seems to reject like the plague :/ So, as a result I decided to just fiddle with the colour setting so it's a simple classic black on white with a header picture of a lakefront at night, soothing, no? So yeah, this will likely be the look of this blog for the unforseen future. I think it reflects who I am, simple and clean yet classy, well, that's how I hope other people see me lol.

So this past weekend was pretty eventful compared to the norm. Friday I went to my friend's 17th birthday and a movie (We saw District 9, very cool movie) and it was great to spend time with them. As a gift, one of my friends got the birthday girl a Snuggie (if you don't know what that is, look it up) which in my circle of friends is the equivalent of getting someone a pound of gold, plenty of laughs were involved. But it was something that happened at the dinner that was not birthday related which really made that day stand out. In my school, there aren't many openly out gay guys (I only know two off the top of my head), so, my friend "M" is friends with one of them, let's call him "X", I'm also friends with X on a sorta acquaintance basis, but we never really see or talk much outside of get togethers with friends and because he's a junior and I'm a senior. Well, Friday morning, apparently X pulled M aside and told her "Phil's been looking pretty good lately" which is odd because he has never once spoken of me to M or any of his friends to my knowledge. Now, X did make M swear to not tell me this, but because I have known M longer than X has, she told me what he told her. My first reaction was sorta shock and surprise but it immediately turned into an "I'm flattered" moment which is exactly what I told M. I am flattered, but anything between him and me I feel would most likley not work out. X is not my type at all, I like taller, lean runner types that have a good sense of humour and are just a touch nerdy- because intelligence is hot ;). He's a really nice guy, likes theater and is quite sociable, but not someone I would got out with or anything of that nature. Another pressing issue is whether if, and more importantly how he knows if I'm gay or not since I haven't publicly come out to everyone in school yet. Now, I know some of my friends who've I've come out to are closer friends with X so I don't know if maybe he overheard from them...hmmm. So yeah, the reason I'm making such a big deal about this is because I've never actually known about another guy expressing an interest in me. I've had a few girls do that, (once last year a girl randomly blurted out "O my god, you're so cute" when I was taking a survey of students for a club) but never a guy. So yeah, this is a new bit of unexplored territory I'm wandering into without a map to find my way, o where is the tall, hot, muscular guide to lead the way? ;D

Saturday was less eventful, it rained pretty much all day which some people hate, but I enjoy because the sound of rain relaxes me. I got up earlier than normal and I spent all morning surfing the web and being unproductive (my favorite activity) pretty much until the evening. My family is hosting/helping out a girl from China who has come here to attend dance school in Washington DC, she arrived a few weeks ago and my cousins and I decided to take her out for dinner and window shopping at a local mall. She doesn't speak much English apart from greetings and some very basic conversational phrases so I got an entire evening of speaking in my horrid preschool level Chinese, I can only imagine what kind of impression I made haha. I ended up buying a review book for the AP Calculus test which I will be taking in May and we settled at an Italian restaurant for dinner. I got Chicken Limone which is pretty much chicken piccata which was really good (lemon, white wine and capers, mmmmm) and we sat and talked as we ate. After dinner we went on home but not before having the GPS get us lost (wtf?) which did not make any sense. My cousin recently bought a BMW 3 series coupe and the GPS in the car got us lost on the way to the mall and again on the way back! If you work at BMW and are reading this, talk to whoever is in charge and get this sort of things sorted out, we ended up getting home because me and one of my other cousins knew how to get to the mall and back by memory. So yeah, that was a nice surprise ending to the evening.

This is becoming a very long post so i think I'll cut it off here. Today has been pretty uneventful, homework and studying for the most part, how riveting!

I hope y'all will have a nice week.

btw, this is Aaron Loftin, seriously, I could look at him all day.

All the best,

Phil

John Barrowman - The Making of Me

John Barrowman, British-American actor, singer, musical performer, star of Torchwood and Doctor Who and fellow gay man goes on a journey across the globe in search of an explaination as to what made him gay. Whether it turns out to be genetics, nurture or something completely unexpected, John is willing to go to any length to help him make better sense of this life long question.

I found this video back in the Winter of 2008 and I found it very interesting and at times highly amusing to watch. In the end, I believe it helped me understand myself better and gave some interesting facts and details for me to ponder over which I continue to do to this very day. It is a bit long (so perfect then for a weekend post) at 6 parts, and about a hour or so in length, but I hope you will take the time to watch the video in its entirety and find it as interesting as I did.

Part 1


Part 2


Part 3


Part 4


Part 5


Part 6


I hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

All the best,

Phil

Maybe There Is Hope

So things between me and Matt have gotten better since the school year started. We have 5 classes together this year and it seems that we are getting closer than we did last year which is great for too many reasons. We gotten to talking a lot more, though we aren't still the best of buddies but progress is progress nevertheless. Last class in journalism we ended up spending about 20 minutes stuffing envelopes to send out to advertisers which turned out to be fun psuedo bonding experience, and even after I finished, he asked if we could keep working on it together which surprised me since he was more excited about it than I was. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic and I'm just trying to convince myself of something I know will never work out in the end, but I can't help but feel somewhat hopeful and believe that maybe, just maybe things could work out with time.

Also, recently, I did some math to see approximately how many potential gay senior guys there are at my school, and here' the break down-

Total students = aprx 2,600
% gay/lesbian/bisexual = aprx 2.5-3% based on the research I have done
Total gay students = 65(2.5%) or 78(3%) in all grades
Total number of seniors = about 650
Total number of gay seniors = 16-19
Total number of gay or bi guys = 8-9

I currently know of only one out gay senior guy at my school which means there is statistically 6 or 7 other gay guys out there excluding me. There is likely another one or two out male seniors at my school I just don't know of or have just slipped my memory but I found this quite interesting. It just goes to show then that based on what I know, only about 12% of all the gay guys in my class have come out, now, hopefully I can change that number soon enough but nevertheless I found this to be quite a productive and thought provoking bit of math.

I've also thought I should share another blog I found a little while ago. It's written by a really nice guy named Jonathan who has recently been going through a rough patch in his life and could really use some friendly support, so go pay him a visit if you can.

All the best,

-Phil

I just realized Autumn is just about to or has already started so Happy Autumn!

"My eyes aren't closed, I'm just Asian"

Okay, so today is Thursday and i decided to post something before I head off to bed. Today was an interesting day, I ended up getting up late again, well late for me since I normally get up by 8 and today I got up at 9:30, but still I think it's late, but the real highlight was getting to see my SAT Subject test scores. Well, I'm satisfied, but kinda disappointed at the same time, 720 US History and 760 Chemistry, I'm happy with chem, but kinda mad at myself about US Hist. I knew it was harder than i expected when i took the test and technically it is a good score, but it ain't good enough for Columbia dammit. Maybe it's just the asian in me or something but meh, it's just kinda annoying, so I'm pretty sure i'll retake the test in October or November. So yeah, sorry about my bitching and whining but hey, i'm just trying to get the best deal for my future.

In other news, John Barrowman is my new hero, seriously. If you don't know him, he is the openly gay actor/stage performer/singer from the wonderful land of Scotland who moved to the US and then back to the UK and currently has dual citizenship. Not only is he hilarious, but he seems to be such a nice, fun and likable person you simply would not be able to ignore. the fact that he's pretty good looking doesn't hurt either haha. If you don't know some of his works, he plays Captain Jack Harkness in Torchwood and Doctor Who on BBC1 i believe (two of my favorite shows btw) and has an album out and does stage performances too. So yeah, I pretty much think he is the boss.

So yeah,

"talk to the hand 'cause the wrist is pissed"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFyfCV6nPjA

god natt!

Bored...already

Okay, so it's been two days into summer and the horrifying disease known as chronic boredom has already set in. It's weird how things work, I'm so happy that school is out and I get a break, but now i'm mad that I have nothing to do, unless I'm out with friends or something, there is only so much I can do at home which is annoying. Also, I don't plan to starting my summer assignments for at least one more week which i feel is still a LOT earlier than most people are going to start theirs. So yeah, I really wish I had a car but I will ahve to wait probably until the school year starts.

Also, tomorrow is Fathers Day! Yay, so congrats to all the dads out there, I can't imagine all the effort and wokr you put into eveyrthing you do so have some fun. My family is having a barbeque tomorrow and it look slike we're going to have 19 of our relatives over whcih would be okay except for the fact that i live ina town house while in Virginia, and a house filled with loud, talkative and ever so "I need to know every detail about your life" conversations will be ever so fun. Anyways, I have a new song stuck in my head that that would be "Kids" by The Mangement or MGMT, don't know why, but it's very catchy, check it out!

-MGMT - "Kids"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bIEOZCcaXzE

Reflecting on Junior Year

Today was another milestone in my 16 years, I have completed my junior year of high school. In the end, it all ended up turning out alright, my GPA is a very happy 4.14 for the year but probably only because I had to work my ass off for the last quarter of school, jeez I wish i could recover all those lost hours of sleep. But yeah, it was fun, as I mentioned before, me and a group of friends dressed up mafia style today and freaked out a few people in the halls and the occasional teacher which was fun to day the least, we ended up going to one of my friend's houses and watching the Godfather 9first time for me), playing Halo 3 (which i sucked horribly at) and eating pizza and cake for lunch (which, thankfully, I'll always be good at).

So what have I learned this year? well apart from all the stuff in the land of academia, i also learned some important tips and lessons during my tenure as a 11th grader. First, be nice to the teacher, seriously, i lost count of how many times i have been able to get away with some things or have been able to away opinions because a teacher likes me (i'm hardly a teachers pet either). Another lesson, get sleep, and plenty of it. I did crew this year, and being a novice this time 'round I guess I didn't sort out my time properly since for pretty much half of 2nd and all of 3rd quarter, i ended up going to bed at about 2AM (note, I get up at 6:20), so that probably hurt me in the end. Third, You can never underestimate the value of friends, even if they can be bitchy and nagging at times, if you can get through those periods, you can trust in the fact that you will be on good terms for as long as you and your friends live. For me at least, I am not one to be easily become close friends with, I need time to decide if I can trust someone so my inner circle is made up only of people who I know I can trust with even the most unsavoury of secrets. That's why i appreciate my best friend who shall not be named, but let's just say she was the first person I came out to on, and, i can't believe I actually remember the exact date, on July 22, 2008. Remember now that this was a time I was so afraid and absolutely terrified about this that actually telling someone would be as big of a step for me as the discovery of penicillin was for the field of medicine. And a fourth and final lesson, remember to have fun, school is stressful enough and there is no need for your life to be filled with long nights and constant work without some respite and relaxation. take some time to do something you enjoy, have a cup of tea, listen to some music, or just take a nap, seriously, it does wonders. My own mission statement for life in a nutshell is "work hard, play harder", you only have one life to live, make the most of it.

Okay, now that all that jazz is over, it's time for me to start enjoying summer before the flood of summer AP assignments (remind me why I'm taking 4 classes and taking 5 tests next year?) and never ending college visits takes root. As the one year anniversary of my initial coming out is rolling around, I was thinking of coming out to all my friends this summer, not just because it's one year, but just because I'm much more comfortable with myself now and I think it would benefit both me and my friends and people I know to be able to know the true me and not just a masked version. I'll see what happens, hopefully I can get a boyfriend next year or at least have a date for homecoming, but maybe I'm looking a little too far into the future haha.

Prom, Rain, Senior Year Classes and Frustrating Things

Hey, Well it's Thursday and another week is also through. Tomorrow is prom day and pretty much it can be expected for the entire senior class to be out along with probably half the junior class as well. A few of my friends are going this year which is cool. I plan to go to prom next year during my senior year, hopefully I'll have a date by then haha. Anyways, As teh school year is wrapping up final exams and teachers rushing to cram in everything they forgot to teach during the year into the last two weeks of school. Next Saturday is also the day of SAT II's for me, I really just want to get those over with. I'm still conflicte don some classes next year, I can't decide between Calculus AB or BC, honestly my love of math has gone way down since the year began, I used to absolutely love math, now, not so much, partially teh material, mostly the teacher, who has honestly ruined by love of the subject. Also I'm sorta considering taking Hotel management in place of finance next year. It seems like fun and more interesting than finance which will likley be filled with freshmen anyways. Well, I have until mid-June to decide.

Have I mentioned the weather lately? Well It's been raining pretty much every day for about a week and a half now, don't get me wrong, I absoluetly love rain, but I need some vitamin D y'know?Today i stayed after to get soem science honour society hours and I thought I could walk home, then a sudden freak downpour arrived and destroyed any chance of that. I really can't wait until it starts to get colder again, I'm more of an autmn/winter person.

Okay, one of the most frustrating things ever in thsi world, well at least for a gay guy are really sweet, and honestly relly cute straight guys. Yes, I'm going to rant a little, deal with it. Okay, there are two guys at my school, one of them I have a really big crush on and another who is simply so quirkily(?) cute and funny it hurts. Only problem, they're straight, or at least i'm 80% sure they are. So what to do, what to do....Well not much really, it's the unfortuanate dilema i face. In reality, I should let it go and move on, it's not going to really get anywhere in the end, but my other half keeps telling me to hang on and let things run their course, a difficult decision indeed.