Dear Matt,

You're unhealthy for me. You constantly plague my mind at all hours of the day, your step, your laugh, your everything. I shouldn't be preoccupied with something that I can't even have especially at a time like this. I shouldn't care whether you gave me a passing glace in the hall or whether we agree that the girls who sit by us in French really are crazy. There are more important things in life.

Sure, you find a way to work your way into my dreams, my refuge from the real world, and there you wreak havoc through a tender kiss or just holding me in your arms, but that too is just a mirage. You know I look forward to the next time you play a lead role in those delightful nightmares, and I'm sick of it.

You're causing more trouble than good. I've promised in the past that I would get over you, that you're just a phase. Maybe things will finally get better once college rolls around and we're forced apart. If that's what it takes, so be it. Until then, you're like a drug to me, I may need you now, but I won't be addicted to you forever. You will not control my life.

I'm stronger than that.

The Vitruvian Man

Weird stuff today. So Journalism is often an hour and a half split between actual working and chatting/gossip and weird things can come up in conversation, but today a new record was set in bizarreness and with Matt of all people. What's weird is, despite having his quirks, he is usually one of the most grounded of my friends so this whole episode is kind of out of his nature.

To be honest, I still don't know what to make of the very brief conversation I had with him today so I kinda want your guy's help in interpreting what he might be saying.

*me, working at the computer*

Matt: *taps me on shoulder*, Hey, JP

Me: Hey

Matt: *holds photo of Da Vinci's Vitruvian Man in front of me* What would you say if I told you this is what I want?

Me: Umm, I don't know, what are you trying to say?

Matt: *flustered* Ummm, I mean, like... *blumbers off about his article in the sports section eventually linking it to the picture of one of my school's top swimmers whose photo is on his spread*

Me: Um, I'm still lost so what does this have to do with Da Vinci's drawing?

Matt: Well, it's to show Erin (fellow B-manager) what I mean about the photo of Jack (swimmer in his spread) and how he's posed.

Me: Um, okay... (He never had even talked to Erin today prior to this so I have idea where she came into this)

Matt: um, so yeah...*leaves, end convo*

Later when I tried to talk about to him about that weird conversation with him, he insisted in the Erin-story and changes or avoids the subject soon after.

So I'm really confused as to what happened in that one minute conversation of ours. Was he trying to pass along some message? How often does someone randomly hold a picture of a naked man in front of you and say "what would you say if I told you this is what I want?" Maybe it's just me but was he trying to imply something?

.

I hate being confused

.

JP

I Can Has Boyfriend?

First, let me begin by giving credit to a group of people who I love more than anyone would ever know- you guys, the readers. Your support and advice has made this entire process so much smoother and memorable than I could ever have imagined. Also, I still can't believe how many followers I have, I was shocked when I had just one, but now at 17, I'm just in a state of shock! Y'all are really the best and I just thought you should know that.

Things have been going smoothly since Tuesday, the world did not stop spinning, the moon didn't implode, the ground did not open up and swallow me whole, no, it's just another school week. A few more of my friends know now, mostly through one of my other friends telling them and they've all been supportive. In other news, things have been pretty smooth lately - I did surprisingly well on a Gov essay I wrote last week and there has been a relative lack of "O My God" moments which is honestly quite a rare occurrence in my group of friends. I have an English timed writing tomorrow on 1984 tomorrow and i have my (hopefully) last SAT II subject test on Saturday. I can't wait until that is finally all done and over with, I'm really tired of these tests, I honestly believe way too much emphasis is placed on the score of a handful of tests.

Homecoming is slowly approaching, two weeks is all that's left before the first major dance of the year. I'm going out to dinner with some friends as I've done all these years, I think we're going to an Italian restaurant this year. Matt's going to Homecoming with another girl from our French class. They've been relatively good friends since last year but when I asked him, he said they were just going as friends. I honestly shouldn't care so much but the fact this this girl waits for Matt outside of class makes me wonder :/ Anyways, this long weekend (thank you Mr Columbus!) looks to be pretty fun apart from the SAT Saturday. I have a birthday party Saturday evening which I still need to buy a gift for and on Sunday it's my grandpa's birthday. Everyone is just gettin older!

Now that I'm finally coming out at school, hopefully I can find myself someone special, namely a boyfriend. I did a little math in a previous post and worked out that there are about 8-9 gay/bi guys in my class. Now, considering I only know of two being out, it makes we really curious who else might be out there, whether I know them or not will probably be the most interesting part. In a perfect world, I'll get a boyfriend by homecoming so I can have someone to walk down the field and dance with, but that will probably not happen. I already wrote on my info sheet that my best friend Maria would be my escort. Also, I finally saw everyone else on the HC court, and like I expected, it's the usual group of jocks, preps, popular jerks and socialites with me on the side. Now, I know some of the people have a loyal following of friends, but my ever so enthusiastic friends are trying their hardest to get me to win this round with a Facebook group and such, we'll see how it all turns out in two weeks.

Care to be my Homecoming date?

All the best,

JP

Busy Week

This week has turned out to be quite busy when it comes to school and everything in general so it seems that this will unfortunately be a slow week post wise. To give the gist of my week, today I had my first AP Gov test which was not fun (what test is?) and I got a massive graphite stain on my jacket sleeve because of writing two essays and dragging my hand along the paper (>.<). But anyways, tomorrow I have a Physics lab due and another French quiz, Thursday consists of an English test for 1984 (great book, go check it out if you haven't, it's by George Orwell) and Friday I have a Physics test and part 1 of a collab project for Gov with a school in Michigan due. So yeah, this is a really busy week, and tomorrow I get to retake a calculus test and then host a club meeting right after school. Whoever said senior year is fun is a giant liar, maybe once all my college apps are in things will cool down a little. Maybe?

There has been good news this week though, it turns out that I won the VP slot for my school's FBLA chapter, whoo! The president is a junior I met last year, he's kinda weird and has a false eye(!!!). Also, maybe the gods are working in my favour these past two weeks since I've had lunch with Matt alone at a table by ourselves every other day since last Wednesday. He also seems to be getting a bit friendlier around me as well, we've some of the most in depth and deep conversations I've ever had with anyone in high school this or any of the past three years so maybe that's a good sign...? *sigh* one can dream. I'm still distracted by his beautiful aqua blue eyes whenever I look at him....gah

Also, my friend has informed me that Britney Spears has a new single out so here it is fresh off Youtube. What do you think? I think it's catchy, but it isn't exactly my favorite song in the world

**So Sony Music has done some copyright claim jazz and they removed the video, so I guess search the magic land of the internet and find the song, it's worth it ;D**

Hopefully I'll make a more legit post post this weekend.

All the best,

Phil

Maybe There Is Hope

So things between me and Matt have gotten better since the school year started. We have 5 classes together this year and it seems that we are getting closer than we did last year which is great for too many reasons. We gotten to talking a lot more, though we aren't still the best of buddies but progress is progress nevertheless. Last class in journalism we ended up spending about 20 minutes stuffing envelopes to send out to advertisers which turned out to be fun psuedo bonding experience, and even after I finished, he asked if we could keep working on it together which surprised me since he was more excited about it than I was. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic and I'm just trying to convince myself of something I know will never work out in the end, but I can't help but feel somewhat hopeful and believe that maybe, just maybe things could work out with time.

Also, recently, I did some math to see approximately how many potential gay senior guys there are at my school, and here' the break down-

Total students = aprx 2,600
% gay/lesbian/bisexual = aprx 2.5-3% based on the research I have done
Total gay students = 65(2.5%) or 78(3%) in all grades
Total number of seniors = about 650
Total number of gay seniors = 16-19
Total number of gay or bi guys = 8-9

I currently know of only one out gay senior guy at my school which means there is statistically 6 or 7 other gay guys out there excluding me. There is likely another one or two out male seniors at my school I just don't know of or have just slipped my memory but I found this quite interesting. It just goes to show then that based on what I know, only about 12% of all the gay guys in my class have come out, now, hopefully I can change that number soon enough but nevertheless I found this to be quite a productive and thought provoking bit of math.

I've also thought I should share another blog I found a little while ago. It's written by a really nice guy named Jonathan who has recently been going through a rough patch in his life and could really use some friendly support, so go pay him a visit if you can.

All the best,

-Phil

I just realized Autumn is just about to or has already started so Happy Autumn!

Hello, Little Freshmen

So today was the last first day of school and thankfully, it was pleasantly surprising. I ended up with many teachers that I've had in the past, like my 9th grade English Teacher who is now teaching AP English Lit, and my French teacher who I've had now for the fourth year in a row. Actually, most people in my French class have had our French teacher all four years as well, she knows us all very well and is fully aware of each of our own little quirks and habits, so hopefully this will be a good year. Of course, there is the mandatory strange/awkward/moody teacher and this year it's my Physics teacher who seemed rather out of it first thing this morning. In a side note: I swear I'm like only one of four seniors who is taking Physics this year, I just need one more Science credit so I ended up in a first period physics class with almost all juniors, none of whom I know. Fortunately though, I did get lucky with many of my classes peer wise. I have friends that I've known for at least a year in the majority of my classes and this year I somehow got 5 classes with Matt (clouds part, cue angel chorus), I hope I won't be too distracted during all the lessons lol. Anyways, all my other teachers seem really nice, I didn't really get much in terms of homework quite yet, mostly a lot of forms I need to get signed which I'll probably get done tonight.

Now being at the top of the dangerous and trap ridden high school food chain, it's fun to see the little freshmen and think that that was me only a few years ago. Time really does go by so fast but in these few years there are a few bits of wisdom I'd like to pass along to the underclassmen.

Freshmen - I know you're probably terrified, heck, this is probably the biggest congregation of teenagers you've ever seen, but there's no need to worry. If you need help, whether it be finding a class or how to do well in a class or an assignment, just ask us, the junior or senior class. I know we look imposing but most of us are friendly and will gladly help you out, we've had to go through everything you're going through and you can learn from our mistakes.

Sophomores - So you've survived freshman year and have moved up one step on the high school food chain, good for you. This is the year to start getting more involved in the school, join some clubs, find a sport to do if you haven't yet or start building up your resume by getting a part time job. Just be sure you don't lose sight of your assignments.

Juniors - Work hard this year, and I really mean it. Junior year will probably be the year where you either break it or make in in high school. You should be taking some AP or IB courses this year in order to challenge yourself, sure it might be a lot of work, but it's probably be the best year to prepare yourself for the real world before the dreaded disease known as Senioritis sets in as laziness and sloth seep into your brain. Get looking at colleges too, soon you'll be working on college applications and before you know it you'll be packing your bags and setting off for your dorm! Keep it up this year, and you'll be greatly rewarded for all your effort in the near future.

.

In other news, my friend Maria decided that she would take me out to dinner on Friday for my 17th birthday which is actually on Thursday. I think the place is a Brazilian Barbecue restaurant in the area which should be fun and different, I haven't had that in quite some time. The original plan was supposed to be Saturday but I'm going to UPenn for a college visit that day so it wouldn't have worked out, oh well.

So overall today went well, got some nice teachers, met up with many old friends, and I got a lot of classes with someone I truly care about. Hopefully this will be a good year.

Oh, finally, Question of the day-

If you could re-do or change one thing during your high school years, what would it be?

If you'd like, you can explain why. I love hearing other people's stories and experiences.