Friday, August 13, 2010

My Life in Grayscale

I’ve always wondered if I’m actually gay. I mean, I know I’m gay, but like most things in life, there is a middle ground, a gray space where an infinite number of combinations could exist. I’ve wondered if I’m in that space, that I’m not gay, straight or even 50/50 bi. Alfred Kinsey developed a scale where people were ranked from zero to six, six being fully gay and zero being fully straight but even that scale couldn’t fully explain just how complex I think human sexuality is.

Back in middle school, I asked a girl out to the 8th grade dance. The weeks prior, I would buy her cookies at lunch and bring them to her at her table. This went on for almost two weeks before the week of the dance, I approached her one last time, this time with a bouquet of roses (such a romantic, I know). When I entered English 7th period, the class stood with applause and cheering while I stood there mortified and blushing brighter red than a Hot Tamale. At that time, I knew that I had been attracted to guys, but I fully believed that I loved her. Granted, it might have been forced slightly on my part, I was in my denial stage at the time so that faux-love could have just been some way of myself trying to convince myself that no, I’m actually straight while the little gay boy in my head shouted at the top of his lungs “YOU’RE GAY, G-A-Y.”

Despite that though, I still don’t know if I really was attracted to her. I’m still friends with this girl today, we don’t talk too often as we ended up going to different high schools though.

When I was in denial, I went through a series of phases, first came the “No, I’m not gay” phase, followed by my “Well, maybe I just have a man-crush on him” phase, fostered due to some desperate search on Urban Dictionary of all places to figure myself out. Following that came the “Fuck, maybe I am gay” phase and finally the “Okay, I’m gay” phase where I am today. I still consider myself to be gay today, I mean, I like guys, physically and sexually, but I still wonder if maybe I could actually be bi.

Some might see this as just another piece of denial, I mean, it is known that many gays have a grudge against bisexuals, thinking they are just in denial or are too scared to actually just admit they’re gay. I believe that bisexuality is real, I mean, in my mind, I think only a very small number of people are truly 100% gay. But who am I to make such claims? I mean, I’m only 17, I’ve barely gotten through one fifth of my life, and with medicine improving, heck, it could be even be less than that. I haven’t experienced so many things in life, I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m still a virgin and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m almost scared that over time, that new parts of me that I never knew existed will surface. Maybe there is some straight in me. Can I picture myself in a relationship with a woman? At the moment, no, but in the future, who knows.

Sexuality, I think, like many things in life is fluid, the way you see yourself can change within a certain range. Sexuality is also not clear cut, it’s two ends of a long rope, straight at one end, gay on the other with so many levels of bi in between. Granted, I know I’m definitely not straight, at least not 100%, I’m at the other end of that long rope but I’m not sure if it’s the very end either. I identify as gay because I very much more heavily favour men over women, but there is still an inkling in me that thinks maybe I could be closer to the middle, maybe 90% gay/10% straight, or 95%/5%, or 80%/20% who knows.

One thing I’m sure of is that no matter how fluid human sexuality is, you can’t jump from one end to the other. You can’t change from being all gay to all straight or vice versa. If anything, this sudden attraction was always built in, you just never knew it was there. Most people who identify as straight probably have some gay in them, it either lies dormant or is simply ignored, just like most gay guys have some straight in them.

No matter how cheesy and elementary school sounding it is, I love myself; I’m not in denial, just curious about the mind and body I have and inhabit respectively. Whether I actually am 100% gay or possibly bi, that doesn’t change who I am and how I view myself, and those who judge have much to learn.

All the best,



  1. I agree with you.
    (hmm trouble getting my thoughts across right now)
    I too am physically and mentally attracted to guys and though I feel I always will be I may find that one woman who I fall in love with for a time.

    I for one don't see what the big deal about being bi is. I mean I see it like this; bi people have the most fun. They can date both guys and girls so never short on finding someone to love.

    I know being bi is being abused by some and I do know that certain people aren't too thrilled at the idea of a person who is bi and is quick to "set the record straight" but I'm not the one to judge b/c I hate when people do it to me

    Your right sexuality isn't something so easy to pin down. It never has been and it never will be either.

    In the end I think what people SHOULD be seen as how they act and NOT who they do in bed or spend the rest of their life with


  2. Ok, I've already told you that I am an old gay guy (not quite senior yet lol) but I will give you my two cents worth on sexuality. What you have expressed so well here were my feelings exactly when I was a gay teen. I kind of thought that if I had sex with a girl that some magic 'switch' would activate and I would become straight. (keep in mind that this was back in the 60's and there was no such thing as 'coming out') I did eventually have sex with a girl and I really tried going straight for 2yrs. Although I could have sex with her, the passion really wasn't there and it felt forced. All I could think about sexually was guys. I was greatly relieved when we finally broke up cos the guilt was getting to me.
    -I came to realize that a lot of the sexual confusion and the 'bisexual' claims come from people failing to separate emotional attraction from sexual attraction in their minds or are in denial. As I have stated in some other blogs, I feel that one's TRUE sexuality is for whom you have the greatest SEXUAL URGE (what gives you a rock-hard erection) NOT emotional attraction or someone who you enjoy being with. Lots of homosexuals enjoy the company of women but the sex is always with guys. I believe that your sexuality is hard-wired after puberty and trying to change it does great psychological harm. I also think that true bisexuals, who have an EQUAL sexual urge for both sexes, are relatively rare. A great many 'bisexuals' are failing to make the separation of emotional attraction from sexual attraction. As an example I have been following a blog about an 18yr old guy who says he is 'bi' and has a girlfriend. He talks about daily activities with his girlfriend but never enthusiastically about sex with her. His blog is full of teen boy pics (at one point he had two blogs dedicated to males). He is completely in love with her brother and even had an intense orgasm when the tried on her bro's underwear and masturbated. He got a little angry with me when I tried to explain the problems he could have with his gf in the future because of his obvious sexual urge for guys. Well don't say he wasn't warned!
    -I might add that a great many homosexuals and 'bisexuals' who married women out of denial and had families, eventually went through expensive and nasty divorces in court after the husband was caught messing with guys. Hell hath no fury as a woman scorned, and these guys are left with barely a pot to piss in after their lesbian man-hating lawyers got through with them. So you see in the long term why it is so important to be honest with yourself about your sexuality for your own happiness and security, not to mention the guilt and stress of deceiving others. Remember also that there are many variables besides sexuality that affect happiness in life and there are no guarantees. But a little foresight and honesty can save you a lot of grief. I hear you. bfn - Wayne :)

  3. You are an amazing writer, and this was a really good post.

    I feel that for most straight guys that little bit of gay doesnt come out until there under the influence of copious amounts of alcohol. It seems that many are afraid, maybe afraid of liking it?

    And I like the fact that you like yourself :)

  4. I think you're more mature on this matter than many others much older than you. Suffice it to say, I agree with you 100%. I think so many gay men (I can't speak for the experience of women) project an image of themselves that would indicate they are far "more" gay than they are willing to admit. Asserting one is absolutely gay and straight is convenient, and it makes it easier for us to know our place in life.

    I think I feel much as you do. While I can't immediately say that I would ever want to be with a girl, I can't say I would never want to be so, either. My first serious "crush" was with a girl (Asian, of course, lol), and I don't believe that it was at all forced or fake, although it was admittedly convenient for my stage of denial.

    Whatever you decide, don't be bullied by anyone in having to claim anything about your sexuality. Of course you can inform yourself, talk with friends, etc. But you are ultimately figuring it out as you go, and I think that is the best thing to do.

  5. I think that your stance on the issue is the best stance to take, and only wished I knew that much about myself.

  6. Sorry James; sexuality is just admitting what you already know; there is nothing to decide. After puberty every guy knows what gets his dick hard; it is no great mystery. I will only call a guy bisexual if he HONESTLY has an equal sexual urge for both sexes. If you have a mild sexual urge for a girl but a strong sexual urge for a guy then you are homosexual, as many gay guys have found out in divorce court. Platonic love is not your sexuality. bfn - Wayne (and you will never convince me otherwise; I have spent too many years on this planet!)

  7. Well, everyone is entitled to their own beliefs and it isn't my role to judge who's right and who's wrong. You guys have heard my stance lol.