Back in middle school, I asked a girl out to the 8th grade dance. The weeks prior, I would buy her cookies at lunch and bring them to her at her table. This went on for almost two weeks before the week of the dance, I approached her one last time, this time with a bouquet of roses (such a romantic, I know). When I entered English 7th period, the class stood with applause and cheering while I stood there mortified and blushing brighter red than a Hot Tamale. At that time, I knew that I had been attracted to guys, but I fully believed that I loved her. Granted, it might have been forced slightly on my part, I was in my denial stage at the time so that faux-love could have just been some way of myself trying to convince myself that no, I’m actually straight while the little gay boy in my head shouted at the top of his lungs “YOU’RE GAY, G-A-Y.”
Despite that though, I still don’t know if I really was attracted to her. I’m still friends with this girl today, we don’t talk too often as we ended up going to different high schools though.
When I was in denial, I went through a series of phases, first came the “No, I’m not gay” phase, followed by my “Well, maybe I just have a man-crush on him” phase, fostered due to some desperate search on Urban Dictionary of all places to figure myself out. Following that came the “Fuck, maybe I am gay” phase and finally the “Okay, I’m gay” phase where I am today. I still consider myself to be gay today, I mean, I like guys, physically and sexually, but I still wonder if maybe I could actually be bi.
Some might see this as just another piece of denial, I mean, it is known that many gays have a grudge against bisexuals, thinking they are just in denial or are too scared to actually just admit they’re gay. I believe that bisexuality is real, I mean, in my mind, I think only a very small number of people are truly 100% gay. But who am I to make such claims? I mean, I’m only 17, I’ve barely gotten through one fifth of my life, and with medicine improving, heck, it could be even be less than that. I haven’t experienced so many things in life, I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m still a virgin and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m almost scared that over time, that new parts of me that I never knew existed will surface. Maybe there is some straight in me. Can I picture myself in a relationship with a woman? At the moment, no, but in the future, who knows.
Sexuality, I think, like many things in life is fluid, the way you see yourself can change within a certain range. Sexuality is also not clear cut, it’s two ends of a long rope, straight at one end, gay on the other with so many levels of bi in between. Granted, I know I’m definitely not straight, at least not 100%, I’m at the other end of that long rope but I’m not sure if it’s the very end either. I identify as gay because I very much more heavily favour men over women, but there is still an inkling in me that thinks maybe I could be closer to the middle, maybe 90% gay/10% straight, or 95%/5%, or 80%/20% who knows.
One thing I’m sure of is that no matter how fluid human sexuality is, you can’t jump from one end to the other. You can’t change from being all gay to all straight or vice versa. If anything, this sudden attraction was always built in, you just never knew it was there. Most people who identify as straight probably have some gay in them, it either lies dormant or is simply ignored, just like most gay guys have some straight in them.
No matter how cheesy and elementary school sounding it is, I love myself; I’m not in denial, just curious about the mind and body I have and inhabit respectively. Whether I actually am 100% gay or possibly bi, that doesn’t change who I am and how I view myself, and those who judge have much to learn.
All the best,