What to do. what. to. do.I’ve got a dilemma on my hands, something that’s been bugging for quite some time now, and it’s only getting worse as school approaches closer. The dilemma involves my roommate and telling him about my sexuality. It’s kinda sad how this is actually such a big deal and how much stress it’s causing me but I digress. So as you guys do or do not know, doesn’t matter now, I’ve been talking to my roommate for some time now. He’s awesome, essentially a more athletic, black version of me. He loves to laugh and even though we haven’t met, we’ve been talking about all sorts of things and have room planning all under control. And yes, he’s straight and he has a girlfriend who I said wouldn’t mind having over from time to time and that I’ll respect their privacy if they respect mine.
Awesome then, right? Well, if you’ve followed my journey through my roommate search process, you possibly know of my difficulties finding a roommate. My school has a “roommate dating service” where you fill out a questionnaire about yourself and can anonymously chat with possible close matches. Well, the first two people I chatted with didn’t work out so well. Actually, the first guy went really well at first, we chatted and found out we had a ton in common, he even talked about his family and little siblings. But as time wore on, the time came where I felt like I should tell him about me being gay. Well, I got a clue about his possible reaction when I found out that he was a devout Catholic and went to Catholic Prep School but I decided to take my chances. Well, I messaged him in a rather long winded manner that I’m gay but it isn’t a defining feature and all that jazz, but after a few days of no response I sorta got the idea…we were through. Understandable, but it hurt nevertheless.
Number two went along the same path, things looked good and I tried to possibly softening the blow by telling him I was bi instead, well that didn’t work either lol.
Finally, there were a few final guys but I’ll skip those until we reach my current roommate. He was also a cool guy but this time, I made no mention of my sexuality, the deadline was approaching quickly and I really wanted this whole debacle to be over with. Fast forward a few months and we end at the present day. I’ve ignored the elephant in the room but now it’s time to face the issue, at least in the near future. So I don’t really know how to tell him. I feel like he deserves to know and so does my best friend Maria. I don’t feel like being upfront about it will work too well, it will probably freak him out more than anything. I could also leave subtle hints, like about how I support gay marriage and am taking part in a LGBT-oriented orientation presentation. Another possibility is that I could chicken out and tell him through some long winded letter. Then again, I could just not tell him, but that leaves open the possibility of him finding out from someone else, or even worse finding me with some guy...in the dorm. To my knowledge he isn’t a terribly religious person, he went to a public school like me and he grew up in the area as well, hopefully that could play into my favour. In spite of all of this though, I don’t know what to do. I feel lost.
So I ask for your advice,
What should I do?
Qu’est-ce que je dois faire?
¿Qué debo hacer?
All the best,
First I'd suggest that you reconsider whether he deserves to know. Maybe you want him to know, but it isn't anything he needs to know unless something happens to make it an issue, such as his being naked in the dorm causing you unwanted distractions. Even then, you could just say his nudity makes you uncomfortable. There are people who are entitled to know, like fiancees and directors of vocations for seminaries you are applying to. But for the mass of humanity, including friends and acquaintances, they aren't entitled to know. It is personal information which you are entitled to reveal or not as you deem fit.
ReplyDeleteIf it hadn't been for the negative reaction from the previous potential roommates, I'd have suggested just letting yourself make some casual remark that implies "gaiety" when it fits naturally in conversation. Now, I'd suggest saying nothing and being de facto closeted. If he finds out or guesses, I wouldn't lie, but the longer before that happens, the less likely it is to be a big problem, because you can point out that you are the person you've been all along. But if you decide to come out to him, I think the casual remark route is best. It says it's no big deal to you, just one of those "random facts."
If he's Catholic, like the other guy, and begins to take it badly, put a copy of "Always Our Children" in his hands as soon as possible, and have him discuss his feelings with a Catholic chaplain to get an at least semi-official take on how to deal with it.
Wish I knew what to tell you.
ReplyDeleteIt was luck that my roommate was ok with me being gay
I say slip it in a conversation and see how he reacts.
Good luck though
(A black version of you? lol)
From the gay black guy ;) and still your friend
Ethan
I only came out to some of my roommates in junior year. By then, we were really good friends and they did their best to be understanding and supportive of me. There's two guys though who I never told and I kind of regret that, like it sucks living with someone with whom you can't be totally honest.
ReplyDeleteI like your idea of referring to it subtly when you get the opportunity. I guess that's the safest way to begin.
Good luck! :)
I think it sucks that you have to agonise over your sexuality, but a lot of black guys these days are more accepting of homosexuality; there is lots of gay black sex on the Internet. And black guys know what discrimination is about. I guess you need to see if he is homophobic or not; keep in mind the occasional 'gay' comment does not mean a guy hates gays but that he is trying to affirm his 'masculinity'. From what you are saying he sounds like an intelligent guy so coming out to him might go over ok. Make it plain to him that you are not interested in a guy sexually if he is str8. If I know a guy is str8 then it is a sexual turn-off for me but a lot of str8 guys don't know this about homosexuals. Of course if the guy turns out to be a nasty homophobe that no amount of rational discussion will turn around, then it is time to find a new roomie. But he doesn't sound like that type of guy. I can't guarantee you anything but you would certainly feel more comfortable if he knows about your sexuality. bfn - Wayne :)
ReplyDeleteI find it kind of amusing how much people are focusing on my roommate's ethnicity. I didn't mean for it to be such a point of focus and honestly I couldn't care less whether he was black, white, asian, hispanic whathaveyou. Thanks for all the advice so far though!
ReplyDelete