It's not a choice

I promised I would go deeper on what happened at the party and whatnot but I have to place it on the back burner at least for the moment.

I got into a semi-argument with my mom just now. I say semi-argument because it was mostly a one-sided lay-on-the-guilt spree with my mom complaining that I never open up or talk about anything with her anymore. Well, I normally just stay quiet during these "arguments" and ride it out with a summer storm, but today things got a little different. After some time of saying how I never open up anymore, she stated that we "needed to have another one of those talks about that 'choice' you made..." O how I wish those words were never spoken.

Now, while I didn't exactly blog about it, about a week or so after I came out to my mom, we had a talk. It was strange moment for me, because it was then that my mom showed her true feelings about having a gay son. She cried and blamed herself and asked if I had gay friends who turned me gay and whatnot which is all obviously nonsense (the turning me gay part). She was obviously upset and it made me sad that things weren't going nearly as smoothly as I hoped. By the end of what was a long, emotional, question-heavy, and teary heart-to-heart, she said she was glad we discussed it and we shared a nice hug. Since then, the subject of my sexuality sorta disappeared off the radar, right up till just now.

So, right after she said those words, my immediate thought was "Fuck Dammit! It's not a choice, we talked about this for over two hours, I thought you finally understood me and accepted this!" which was immediately followed by the thought "Please don't make me go through one of those 'talks' again." I guess when she said this a switch clicked in my brain because what was just standing around in the kitchen suddenly became me blurting out "It's not a choice" with a rather angry tone and me angrily walking away. The quasi-argument sorta ended then but I ended up angrier but also really upset that things didn't progress. The one person in my family who I thought I could trust and had the courage to actually tell is turning out to be the exact kind of person I would have avoided telling altogether if I had foresight of what was to come. I ended up crying while sitting on the bathroom floor for a good 30 minutes afterwards and I'm still really upset right now.

I still have one more day off before second semster starts but what was seemingly an excellent weekend turned out not being quite as bright as I hoped.

JP

p.s. - I promise I'll eventually get back to the Jersey Shore themed Birthday party, just give me some time.