Meeting Other Gay Guys

I got the following email from an Australian reader of mine asking me for some advice regarding his current situation, and while I cannot claim I'm an expert in the field in any ways, here's my best swing at answering it:

Hello JP,

Originally I was going to ask for advice about some sort of problem I think I have but I kinda think I just have to speak to my friend about it and see what he thinks. Anyway a bit of background information on me. I'm 19, living in Sydney and studying. I've read your blog for quite a bit I think (maybe a year) and all the older bits too because other people's lives are always more interesting than study haha. I think you're about roughly the same age as me but it seems like you've got a lot more things going on in your life than I do! Anyway I'm wondering how many other gay people do you know an how'd you meet them? I'm asking this because in my immediate and not so immediate group of friends there's actually no one I know is gay which can feel a bit isolating. You don't sound like you're a depressed, think they'll be forever alone kinda guy so I'm assuming you're not as cut off from the gay community as I am (not saying I think I'll be forever alone or whatnot... whatever). I'm not too eager to use internet methods to meet other guys as it seems kinda seedy and the university LGBT group, well I've gotten up the lift but never really made it past the corner haha. So yeah... that's basically it.

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Now of course there are a lot of different variables which can influence what you should and should not do in a situation such as this but here's my take. I hope it's helpful for you if you have a similar dilemma:

Regarding your first question, I would say that I know quite a large number of gay individuals at my school. It would be difficult to put a solid number on it but more than two dozen would be safe. I don't necessarily know all these people well or personally, but I know most of them to be considered at least acquaintances. Despite this big number, it wouldn't surprise me if there are many closeted individuals that I know but who I just haven't come out to me or anyone else for that matter.

When it comes to how I met them, I would say the majority is through just everyday interaction and chance and happenstance. I didn't go out seeking them per se, it usually just ended up just being us hanging out and then something came up in conversation that ended up with us coming out to each other. Since I quietly "came out" during my freshman year, all my close friends know that I'm gay and a good amount of people outside my core groups know as well. I'm not really flamboyant or anything so some people who I have met recently don't know and it can get a little awkward if they start talking about the hot chick at the party or something but it's never bad. My personal policy is to not toss around "hey, I'm gay" unless someone actually asks me or unless the situation really calls for it. Since you never know somebody's reaction, I like to keep things as drama free as possible and assess the situation before I do anything like come out to someone I've just met or recently met.

I've also met a few other gay guys through my friends and some of the clubs I've involved in (Pride included). Since I do publicity work for one of the theatre groups, I've met my fair share of gay guys there, though none of them are really my type. My campus Pride organization of course was a good way to meet others. My campus Pride holds general body meetings every few weeks where there is a discussion topic. Last meeting was just after the Superbowl here in the US and it focused on the gay community and sports and the relationship between the two. Of course, this is probably the most direct way to meet with certainty other gay guys at school. As I mentioned, my friends have also led me to meet a few other gay guys. I like to keep a few circles of close friends rather than just one but through my circles, I've become close friends with a few individuals and they will be like - "Hey, did you know ____was gay?" which of course spurs conversation and such and even occasionally an introduction to that other person. What I like about this is that everything is kept very casual and comfortable which is something I really enjoy.

Now I don't know how out or semi-out you are at school but the first step I would say is to find a really good, close friend you can come out to if you haven't already. This breaks the ice and gets everything rolling. From then on, you can start looking out to meeting other gay people. My first piece of advice to you on meeting other gay guys would be to not push yourself beyond what you're comfortable doing. It's a rather sensitive subject and taking things slowly would be best. The environment in Australia is generally more liberal than the area where I attend school which I think could work into your favour. If you're afraid of attending a pride meeting, maybe I would suggest bringing said close friend as an "ally" to the meeting with you. This could help calm any nerves you have about going alone. Second, I don't know how big your school is, but it wouldn't surprise me if you asked someone you know well whether they know of any other gay people on campus that they would tell you "yes". Often it's someone you never knew was gay because they never fit into any of the established stereotypes that usually tip you off. If that person is comfortable with his/her sexuality, maybe you could find some way to talk to them and get their input about LGBTQ life at your school as I'm sure they would know much more about it than I would. This would be a great way to start meeting other people and branch out. Finally, if your school has a LGBTQ resource center of some sort, I've found those to be a great resource in general. They often put on events that aren't as "loud" as general Pride events which could be good for you.

Best of Luck!

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As I said, your situation and environment can vary but in my view, I think this is a good broad overview.

If you have any questions you would like to ask me please feel free to write; I love to hear from my readers :)


All the best,

JP