Tuesday, November 30, 2010


Je veux juste être heureux

Yo sólo quiero ser feliz

Ich will einfach nur glücklich sein

मैं तो बस खुश रहना चाहता हूँ


أريد فقط أن تكون سعيدا

Voglio solo essere felice

...for once.


Dear self, It will come with time, I promise.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Breathe Me

A moment of silence please, for my GPA.

I knew when I entered college that things would be difficult, that there wouldn’t be a safety net to catch me if I slipped up here or there. That there wasn’t a “+1 AP bonus” or “+.5 Honours course bonus”, hell, everything is an AP course times two here. The fact that there are only 5 grades in the entire course doesn’t help either. Well, maybe I just need to keep reminding myself about that. I finally got out of my last class for the day and I’m back in my dorm listening to Christmas music on the radio cooling off after a long first day back.

Finals are coming up very soon, only a little more than two weeks separate me from what is essentially my last chance to swing my grade one way or the other, and hopefully in the positive direction. I will admit that I think I slacked off a little more than I should have this semester. The lack of receiving multiple assignments to keep me on my toes and my mind ready to go has made me less motivated.

Currently I stand to earn around a 3.55-3.7 GPA for this first semester if things keep on track as they are which isn’t bad but not up to my personal standards either. I’m used to being at the top of my class; I graduated in the Top 10 of my class of 600+ but now I’m competing with people who are at that level or even higher, it’s a whole new playing field. I stand a comfortable chance of pulling off an A in Calc, and if I do my essay re-write and an extra credit essay I can get an A- in humanities. I need to do well on my final in psychology but I’ll be happy with a B+ in that class. My theology class is a crapshoot to call right now, I still have a paper and a final, but if I do well on both I can get an A- or with a heavy dose of luck a low A. My international business class is the biggest unknown right now, there are only four grades, none of which I have any idea on, in reality, I think I can expect something between a B or an A, bleh, not a fan.

While I don’t want to lower my standards for myself, I feel I need to learn to be more satisfied with not getting straight-As or the like anymore. What matters is that I try my hardest and whatever I get is what I deserve. Bleh, why do numbers have to mean so much, in ten or twenty years none of them will even matter anymore. Ha!

God, did I really just do an entire post about grades? Fuck, I really am Asian.

I had three friends personally contact me about my last post saying they'd be open to talking with me if I ever needed to, I was so touched I teared up.

I realized yesterday I never did a Music Wednesday last week so here’s a belated one.

Sia – Breathe Me

I first heard this on a German Soap called Verbotene Liebe, it’s a hauntingly beautiful song.

All the best,


Saturday, November 27, 2010

Getting it off My Chest

I have two things to confess, two things I never really talked about before, at least until yesterday. I probably never talked about it because I was scared that if I did talk about it my fears would come true, or maybe it's because I had thought about it for such a long time now that It doesn't even have enough worth to be discussed anymore.

I think my parents are on the edge of divorce.

"Ah, but they've been married for 11 years JP, doesn't that mean anything?"

No, actually. Their wedding took place in a Las Vegas chapel with only my grandparents in attendance. I was the ring bearer and the kiss was just a peck on the cheek from my dad to my mom. Heck, if I knew better I'd think it was some joke.

Not once in their entire relationship have my parents ever lived together. My dad stayed in his house in Maryland while I lived with my mom in Virginia. The only time I'd see my dad would be on the weekends and when he'd visit occasionally on Mondays. When I was 18 months old I accidentally spilled a cup of hot water on myself and was badly burned, my dad didn't talk or even look at my mom for over a year. My mom became a single parent at that point, and it was my fault. I've quietly harboured anger over my dad's betrayal since I learned about that a few years ago, but I digress.

It was because of this awkward living situation that I've become so annoyed about having to explain that my parents are not separated whenever I say "I'm going to my dad's house" even though they might as well have been. That's how it has always felt like for as long as I remember.

Looking back, I realize I never had a permanent father figure, I'd become so used to that routine that I just assumed it to be normal.

It's because of this separation that I'd always felt a much stronger connection with my mom than with my dad. He's felt like a complete stranger to me many times over the years. Their love isn't love, it's business, cold, soulless, business

As time progressed, my parents have grown even further apart. With me now in college, my mom has stopped going to stay with my dad on Fridays, staying only on Saturday and Sunday before leaving again. My dad has turned inward, becoming increasingly testy about the most trivial of things. I've had so many conversations with my mom about how dad doesn't seem to care about her and how he never tells us what's going on when he will disappear for weeks at a time to Florida or New York.

"he treats me like a dog, no, not even that, I swear he loves Max more than he loves me"

A dull toddler can see things are heading downhill. I talked with Maria about this yesterday, the first time I've discussed this with anyone, and she said she always thought my parents never had a good relationship. Great, so it was that obvious and I'm just blind.

So why are my parents still together? Personally I think it's guilt, guilt over me. What do I mean? Well that requires another story and thought that has haunted me since I was a young teenager.

Since I was fifteen, I realized that I could very well be an accident baby. Born 7 years before marriage and never having lived in a unified home, it fits the circumstances. The only reason my parents stayed together is because they needed to raise me, and with my dad having the bulk of the wealth in the family, he felt obliged to put me to college. Is this is suspicion? Probably, and my parents would never admit whether I was a surprise, even If I was.

Strange thing is, none of this bothers me as much I think it should, and it scares me.

I feel so callous, desensitized to what should be such terrible things. If some big fight broke out and they did decide to separate I wouldn't be surprised in the least. It feels so wrong to think this way.

Getting this off my chest feels good; but I also feel guilty for believing what I do. By all standards I have lived a very good life. I'm going to one of the premier universities in the world and don't have to worry about financial strife like so many others do. Yet by saying all of this, I feel like I'm entering some locked off zone where the glitter and gold all falls off and the third world level construction underneath is revealed, threatening to crumble at the next strong gust of wind.

I'll never talk about anything I have just said with my parents, my personal "don't ask, don't tell".

All I know is, I hope everything will work out in the end; damn, I hate that exhausted old phrase.


Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Lock Me Up and Throw Away the Key...for my own sake

Stop it. Please, please just stop it. You’re taunting me, tearing away at me, destroying me slowly.

You don’t read this, and I’m glad you don’t because I wouldn’t want anyone to see me in this state. I’m literally shaking, my heart is pounding, I feel like there’s a pit that has opened up inside me. I’m tired of talking about you to a digital audience, I’m tired of arguing with myself about you in my mind before I go to sleep at night, I’m tired of everything this is causing me.

I have enough of my own issues that I refuse to share with anyone because it’s irrelevant to them; I don't need one more. I’m glad I met you. I wish I hadn’t. You’re brilliant and have a great future, and even if you’re gay, bi, whatever, it won’t change that. Same goes with your family, I hope things will work out. I've feared for ages now that mine's close to splitting in two and I still do, but nobody knows that, we're good at hiding things. I understand your worries whether you believe me or not and you’ll sort them out with time in your own way, I promise. I feel horrible about hearing all of this from a secondary source, like I’m some unwilling bystander in a conversation I should not have heard. I’m guilty. Imprison me.

Please stop telling me it’s all hormones and nothing more. I know what that’s like, this is different. There are things you just know. Things in-built that require no experience to recognize, and this is one of them. You go against so many things I stand for yet it doesn’t bother me, why?

Don’t answer that question.

I want a fairytale sunset ending in my life, but that’s all just fiction, things don’t turn out that way. Things don’t sparkle, mice don’t talk, pumpkins don’t become carriages; things are ugly, decrepit, foul and poisoned. But even in that chaos there are bits of order, and I want one, just to taste it even for a fleeting moment.

I feel like I’m in a low budget soap, the token gay boy tossed in for ratings, longing for what he can’t have so the audience will tune in next time to witness his next downfall or heartbreak, yet also hoping something will work out for him, but just not now.

I wish I could rein in my emotions, to bottle it and put it away on my shelf so I don’t have to deal with it even for a day.

Being surrounded by friends and their happy banter about their love lives makes me sick to my stomach. I’m happy for you, really, now’s just not the right time.

I’m going to go eat and then go for a long walk. I need to clear my head before I see my dad for the first time in a month and a half tonight. Or maybe I’ll just project myself on to movie and TV characters like I have so many times in the past and pretend I live their lives, knowing they will find happiness when their tenure is over.

I try to make other people happier to compensate for what I can't seem to find for myself.

Whatever, I don’t need your sympathy. I’ll sort things out like I have for many other things in the past and life will move on…and on….and on….and on.

I still have feelings for you; I just wish this wasn’t a one-way street.

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

And it Shall Rain Gravy and Stuffing

I’m only a handful of hours away from heading home for Thanksgiving and I’m absolutely giddy. Facebook has been flooded by countless statuses (stati?) of people announcing their mass exoduses homeward to the DMV. I’m going to have to eat dinner on campus since mom needs to make dinner at home for my grandpa but that’s fine with me. I’ll be heading over to my friend B’s house (who I haven’t seen since I graduated, how sad is that?) to watch Glee with her, Ms. X and H tonight. Tomorrow I’ll be spending the day at home until I head over to my dad’s house for Thanksgiving day preparations.

It’s been many weeks since I last saw my dad and I’m looking forward to spending time with him and mom for once. Thanksgiving is looking to be a pretty big gathering this year, with about 18 people from the fam and then the one or two people I’ve invited from school who can’t make their way home for Thanksgiving. I love big gatherings haha.

My Friday is completely booked with getting together with Maria where we’re going to go grocery shopping and then make an Indian food lunch and bake a cake. We’re going to enjoy the feast while watching Bollywood movies, why are my friend’s so awesome? Haha. Friday night is my friend C’s birthday dinner and I’ll get to see many more friends there too that I hadn’t seen since August which I’m really excited for.

My weekend will be dedicated to time with the family. I owe them a full weekend to ourselves and I intend to a good amount of quality time with both of them. Maybe I can coax out a winter wardrobe shopping trip while I’m at it :P

Ahhh, the joys of a relaxing break.

I hope you all have a fantastic Thanksgiving and a safe trip home if you’re travelling; and if you’re not celebrating Thanksgiving a wonderful rest of the week.

All the best,


P.S. I just realized this is my 200th post. Thanks so much to all of you guys for coming along this journey with me. Back when I first started this blog I simply saw it as a means of escape and a place to record my thoughts. Now I see it as much more than that, It's a community I have become a part of and a world where I've come to know of so many extraordinary people. Here's to 200 more posts or even more than that. Love Y'all :)

Saturday, November 20, 2010


The best moments in life are those spent with friends and those you care about and yesterday night was a testament to the veracity of that statement.

Me and my friends held a dinner for my friend Hanna since one year ago she lost her father. We all made some home cooked food for the dinner; Maudry made a chicken and mushroom dish flavoured with Indian spices, my friend Liz made pasta with ricotta and Parmesan, my friend Sun made a Chinese stir-fry, Ann made brownies and I made a strawberry orange and spinach salad and brought drinks.

We toasted with a glass of sparkling cider and just enjoyed each others company as we ate and chatted around the common room dining table. The glances of curious passer-bys made things that much more fun.

Dinner was a success; I've really come to see these people as true friends and even family.

I plan to spend the day working on my paper with christmas music playing in the background. I will be productive so I can enjoy my Saturday later tonight and tomorrow.

All the best,


Friday, November 19, 2010

My Date

I took myself on a date just now. It was great, just me, myself and my thoughts; no argument about where to go or what to eat just a quiet afternoon. I walked down a street of small shops mostly removed of the tourist bustle that will surely begin tomorrow.

I visited a used book store but resisted the urge to buy a $25 1899 collection of Revolutionary War poems in addition to a wide selection of Mark Twain works. I also visited two art galleries; one a photo gallery for a travelling photographer with photos from Australia to Vietnam, to Amsterdam and Egypt, they were breathtaking but alas I need to save money and again resisted the urge to plop down a couple of twenties for one of her works. The other was an antiques store full of old advertisements from classic Coca Cola to more interesting pieces like a sign for a now long gone drug store named Hildred’s.

I didn’t think too much during my date, I just soaked in the sun drenched scene around me; the couples sitting on the patios of sidewalk cafés with their drinks, the trees dancing in the breeze like it was nobody’s business, and the people nonchalantly doing exactly what I was doing- escaping from the bustle of everyday life and just letting our minds wander.

I’m now back in the park sitting on a bench enjoying the sun on this cool, breezy day. I like having a hiding place I can call mine, sure, I’m positive that there are plenty of other people who know about this place, but in my mind, this place is mine. It’s early in the afternoon and only one dog is running around, but still, it’s as joyful as ever. It’s tail twirling in the air, excited like a small child on Christmas morning and a noticeable bounce in its step. Another dog has now joined, they’re almost exactly alike, people must like Golden Retrievers here.

I’m quite glad this week is finally over; I know I say that every week but with last night and now, just sitting in the park, this week is coming to a happy close. Last night I went with my friend Liz to dinner, she wanted to get off campus just as much as I wanted to so we went on a date. We walked over to Qdoba where we sat and just talked for the first time in as long I can remember. I think that was the first time I’ve actually gone out with her without Maudry or other people from the first floor. We talked about what’s been weighing us down, the events of the past few weeks and all the dramas of college life. We talked about the night before in the common room and how some people can be so ridiculous you want to smack them across the head. We talked about how talked behind people’s backs is just childish and rude. It was cathartic to just get that off my mind. Afterwards we got cupcakes and headed back to campus. Simple, and good.

Rounding out my Thursday was seeing Harry Potter at midnight; it was crowded as expected but the warnings of freaks and weirdos spoiling the fun never came to fruitition as I expected. The movie itself was good, it’s purpose was to lay the groundwork for the second part coming out next year. I didn’t enjoy the movie quite as much as I wanted to and some bits were just too cheesy. Another problem was the sheer number of cheap laughs tossed in to add interest to what honestly would have been an otherwise dull film, especially if you hadn’t read the book before.

I don’t know what this weekend is going to entail, many people partied hard over Mark’s birthday weekend and are taking it easy this week. I’ve had my two weeks at home, now I want to let loose a little but not too much since I do have a paper to write.

Next week is Thanksgiving and people are already heading home. I had planned to leave after my class Wednesday but now with two of my three classes cancelled, I’m leaving Tuesday instead. I get to spend an extra day at home and have a long weekend with the old gang as people flock back to Northern Virginia. I’ve promised Maria a full day together; we’re going to go shop, dine, bake and whatever else comes to our mind. I’ve also promised my friend Miss X. that I would go see Harry Potter with her as well. She’s inviting a friend from high school who she’s had a crush on for a while now and has finally gathered the courage to ask out.

I hope Thanksgiving weekend will go by smoothly, it should be refreshing to go home again, but it will be strange not seeing everyone for what’s a comparatively long period of time. Regardless, I plan to enjoy my time off, so far my teachers have been reasonable about not spoiling my time off with excessive work which hopefully means calm seas ahead.

It’s still early so I think I’ll go walk around some more before heading back to campus; I need to go on personal dates more often.

Enjoy your weekend,


Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Magical World

Damn your smile, damn your charm, damn.....ugh

Happy Music Wednesday :)

I hope your speakers have good bass.

Bassnectar - Magical World (ft. Nelly Furtado)

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Call Me

It’s a rainy, grey day but that's okay because I got my paper turned in and my presentation done. I felt nervous during my presentation but that doesn’t matter now, I’m just glad it’s done; plus, I have a break until a Calc test Thursday. 50% of my International business grade was just determined, how exciting!

I think I’m going to take a break from writing about my life and indulge myself and make myself sound shallow because, let’s face it, we all are. Well, maybe shallow isn’t the right word but I think you get the idea. Ima make a personal ad!


5’8”-6’2” male, blond or dark brown hair, well dressed, slim or athletic build, but not too bulky. Must be funny but also can be serious and can carry on a conversation; romantic would also be a plus, I’m a bit of a romantic myself. I’m not in to guys who are very flamboyant. Must enjoy going out on intimate outings but also enjoy group outings and partying from time to time. Shared interests would be a plus, especially a love for cars and cooking/good food. Also desirable is the quality of not being jealous, I know I can be the jealous type myself but I’m trying to change that. Non smoker please, not drugs either, both are just gross. I’m a bit of a coffee and tea addict so if you are too that’s a plus :)

If you fit that description, give me a holler, k?

All the best,


Monday, November 15, 2010


God knows no greater evil than what is called MyITLab...

I have a paper and a presentation tomorrow in my International Business class which will together make up 50% of my class grade. If you can't tell, I'm so excited I can barely contain myself. >.>

Just one more day...one.more.day.

**non sequitur alert**

I never mentioned this in the past but there's a guy I'm interested in named Nick, he lives in the same dorm I do albeit a different floor, but he watches Glee on my floor. We haven't talked much but both me and some of my friends have caught him sneaking glances my way and we've been trying to talk more outside of Glee for the past few weeks. I'll go into more detail in the future.

I need to get back to work,


Sunday, November 14, 2010


It's one of those days where you just sit around in sweatpants with a bag of marshmallows and simply study. The day feels to be flowing by slowly, and I like that.

I came home to help those who were hurt. Did I end up proactively going to their homes and give them counseling? No. Did joining them in just walking around and sharing a meal provide them with a welcome distraction from what's going on? I think so. Maybe that's all they needed; maybe that's what I needed too.

I'm basking in the sunlight coming in from the window in my mom's bedroom, Christmas music playing in the background and psychology notes in front of me. It's more soothing than any massage or spa treatment could ever be.

I missed Mark's birthday weekend, technically his birthday isn't until Monday but I missed his weekend of partying and I think that was all for the better; I haven't gone out with him in a few weeks now. I'm sure he had plenty of fun and that's what matters. I'm planning to give him his gift on Monday, and no, there is no double entendre in that.

Things feel so simple right now, I don't want to go back. I have to though, it's a busy week ahead.

I wish everything could be this simple.

I hope you enjoyed your weekend,


Thursday, November 11, 2010

My Little Secret

Earlier this afternoon I wrote a post about how things never seem to work out for me- My own personal issues, the loss of friends, the family drama that I’ve tried to escape but always find myself getting back in to no matter what I try to do to hide from it all. I wrote it and then deleted it without posting it.

The past few days have been rough. I’d be lying if I said I’ve been happy or even content with what has been going on but I’m trying to change that all starting now. Sometimes the best way to feel better is to just get away from what’s causing you the problems. It seems childish to run away and hide but sometimes it makes sense. I’ve tried going home to get this sense of escape and it does help, but only for so long. As long as I stay on campus I will always be surrounded by or reminded of what’s been causing me stress and anxiety. Before heading off to Theology, I went for a walk in the neighborhoods surrounding the campus. The brick sidewalks and golden trees served to remind me of a simpler life. The quiet suburbia where everyone knows who you are, and just being surrounded by people you would go out of your way to help in a time of need.

It was on this walk that I found a small park. Tucked away among the cobblestone streets and barely larger than one square block, it would easily be overlooked by the casual walker-by; yet, I kept it in mind as I made my way back to campus to go to class. That class is now over and I find myself back here in that very park.

The sun is starting to set and the air is cooling. Dog owners have brought their companions and set them free to run and play with their four-legged comrades. A cluster of birds in the tall bushes next to me are chirping their merry song. They complement the gleeful barking in the field in front of me. Two people are playing tennis in the courts to my left, absorbed by their game.

A woman has brought what looks like a miniature corgi into the field where my picnic table stands. It’s an energetic little thing, turning on a dime to retrieve a tennis ball. Just now, a golden retriever just stole the corgi’s ball and a chase has begun, the pair has now been joined by a black lab. The scene is too ideal to be real. It’s too perfect, I feel like I’m in some photo shoot for DC Living Magazine.

I think I’ve found a place to unwind. Somewhere to escape whenever I need to. Maybe I don’t need all the fanfare of going home but rather just have somewhere I can just be by myself and think, somewhere I can type and let my ideas flow free rather than keeping them bottled up. I love it here, why didn’t I find this place sooner?

There is still much to attend to once I get back to campus and even more to attend to back at home. Mom’s upset because of Dad, I’m waiting to hear about funeral arrangements for my friend, my friend Cristina has come down from New York upon hearing the news yesterday and we plan to meet tomorrow.

I’m going home again this weekend. I’m leaving tomorrow and coming back Sunday afternoon. I don’t care about partying, going out to another overpriced dinner or anything like that. I don’t feel like drowning my problems in a sea of beer and cheap vodka. I can find happiness in other places.

I’m going to get drunk off the company of my friends. I’ll get high off consoling those who have been hurt by everything that has been going on. I will get high off being the listening ear for those who just need someone to talk to. I will be happy just being me. Maybe some will see me as overbearing or overly concerned but screw them. I’ve tried to change for you all but it’s in built in me and always will be. If you can’t accept me for who I am you don’t deserve my trust or my friendship.

More dogs have joined in the merrymaking in the field ahead. Their barks now overwhelm the quieting chatter of the birds in the bush next to me. It’s gotten colder, and slowly the night is creeping in. Why didn’t I find this place sooner?

I will have to leave soon; the park closes at dusk and soon the sky will no longer be the gradiated shades of orange it is now. Life has ways of surprising you. Little pockets of calm can be found even in the most chaotic of places. I plan to come back here many times in the future. Just me, my laptop and my music, putting my thoughts, emotions and ideas into words rather than keeping them bottled up in my mind.

For the first time in a while I’m content, and it feels good.


Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Today I lost one of my good friends. She was a bright, funny, generous person who never deserved anything less than the best in life. Why she had to leave our world so soon is something we will never know, but all I can say is that you, my friend, will be sorely missed. May angels guide your way to eternal happiness and bliss, and may your memory last forever in our minds and hearts.

We all love you.

Let's Go

I'm going to start something new called Music Wednesdays. I know, it's not nearly as catchy as Music Mondays but whatever.

Cartel - Let's Go

Also - I realize that some people might perceive that I'm in much more turmoil than I actually am in based on my writings. I would just like to say that despite how things might look or sound, I'm not in a state of distress or helplessness; I'm in control and always will be. Anyways, this blog was and is meant to be a safe place for me to vent and talk in general so I guess some dramatization comes with the territory. I appreciate all your concern, but really, I'm fine.



I told myself that I would spend the night working. I have too much work to be fooling around online, blogging, or watching TV, yet, I still manage to break all my rules. Why am I such an unmotivated mess of a student?

Is it because I have so much on my plate that I’m unconsciously just scooting it along in hopes that maybe my work will just do itself? Or is it because there’s too much running through my mind to focus on what’s actually important right now? It’s 1AM now and I still have much to do, yet I’m typing this post instead of working on anything in the laundry list of assignments I have.

I’ve drunken about half a pot of coffee in the past 30 minutes, half a pot to go.

What has been bothering me? Things that shouldn’t bother me. Things that aren't permanent but annoyingly come and go like a mosquito on a summer's evening. Things that should have stopped being the center of my attention long ago. Things that shouldn’t bother me but do because I’m a silly, childish Romeo that’s stuck in the past. Those sentences were all fragments; I’m sorry. I need to stop apologizing so much; I’m sorry.

I guess I shouldn’t have expected that I would be able to let go so easily; I’ve never been good at that. I shouldn’t have expected that I'd be able to move on like nothing had ever happened, it comes naturally to some people, but not to me. It’s not worth it, it is worth it.

No, it isn’t worth it, you’re not the right person for me. Your selfish, hedonistic ways go against my core principles. Figure yourself out without leaving such a large wake behind you dammit. You’ve reduced me to ranting, something I loathe yet find so delightfully cathartic at the same time. Sometimes I wish I never got your number that day. If I wasn’t sitting in the lobby that afternoon I could have avoided all of this, we would have just been acquaintances. You would have been another face on the first floor like all the others.

Why did we meet? Coincidence? Fate? Give me an answer or at least a hint. You’ve brought me great happiness while also bringing me pain; I wish we never met yet I’m so glad we did. God damn this entire situation.

I’ve finished an entire pot of coffee. I won’t be sleeping tonight.

It’s already 1:30, I definitely won’t be sleeping tonight.

I thought avoiding you would help, it did, but only temporarily, the placebo effect quickly wore off. I hate grasping for what isn’t there.

I need to stop moping about this; I need to grow a pair and move on. “If you’re always stuck in the past you can never work towards the future” as I once said to a friend, I should follow my own advice sometime. I need to do this for my own good and so that you guys can stop reading about this silly teenage drama.

My handwriting is sloppier than it was earlier in the paragraph, the caffeine is kicking in.

I got a care package from my parents (meaning mom) today. It brightened my day. Dad’s on one of his secretive trips to Florida; he never tells us what he’s actually doing down there. I don’t want to know. He’s already been gone for a week, one more to go. I wish I had a stronger (aka closer) relationship with him.

My roommate's sick again, he's used up more of my own medicine that I have.

I want some excitement in my life; I want to do something daring, something I might regret but right now could care less about.

The cautious want to take risks! My how things have changed.


P.S. - Shout-out to Pazecrit, he's a relatively new blogger and is definately worth reading.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Just be Selfish

The therapeutic and enlightening abilities of simple everyday activities in life never cease to amaze me. Who knew a simple day out to coffee and dinner with friends would prove to be one of the most cathartic and enriching experiences of my life?

It had been a while since I’d come home for a weekend; I’m actually overdue, past the every-two-weeks guideline I set back in September. I metroed home early this afternoon and immediately set back out again to meet up with Maria for coffee. We chatted about what had been going on in our lives, things have been relatively calm in both us, she has a guy who she’s at least semi fallen for who she thinks is beyond her reach despite calling him a “once in a lifetime kind of guy” even though he isn’t. I’ve been telling her to see that she really is worth it and is a much better catch than she sees herself as so hopefully things will work out. If only I found it quite so easy to reflect my own advice and words into my own life.

Last night I went out to dinner with M and some now-seniors from my high school. It had been forever since we actually got to say “hi” and hang out since our brief 10 minute jaunt Halloween weekend and was something I was really looking forward to. Dinner itself was rather eventful, well, that’s almost a lie, it was more shocking than anything. What happened to that group of mostly quiet, reserved juniors I knew back in the Spring? Well, nowhere to be seen at least in those two hours we ate.

The ones who were normally quiet had become loud, the modest had become boisterous, the stressed had become downright snappy and what was once only friendship had become backhand comments and behind the back gossip of hatred, and me and M were caught in the crossfire. Were these the people I knew back in high school? I can barely tell, and beyond the “I missed you!” hugs and “tell me about college” questions, I never would have known these were the people I had known for up to three years beforehand.

Was I like this my senior year? I wouldn’t be surprised if I too felt the excitement induced effects of finally reaching the top of the high school ladder but seeing who were and still are my friends scares me. I talked to M later that night as we walked the streetlight lit streets of her neighborhood and agreed that we probably were like those seniors, we reveled in things “finally being almost over”, but now we realize that the world doesn’t end with graduation, you just turn a page and start writing the next chapter of the multi-volume book called your life. We’ve entered the real world, not the hallway-confined, block-scheduled life we lived in for the better part of 13 years. We’ve seen things they can only imagine about, partaken in things they still consider taboo, and just have taken off the nanny-censor goggles we had been wearing all this time.

As I mentioned earlier, me and M walked around her neighborhood after dinner, the air was crisp, the moon was a mere sliver of itself in the sky and for once I saw stars, stars not flushed out my the glare of city life. We talked about a lot of things, the dinner we had just enjoyed, her life at an ivy-league university and our general lives. One thing we both learned was that we both were known for something in college that we were trying to shed. Regrettably, and somewhat annoyingly, we’re both known to mother, and despite both of our efforts to try and change that image, it irks both of us that we will likely be stuck with that stigma for quite some time. Unlike me, M doesn’t drink, but we both try to take care of others in life sober or in my case occasionally drunk as well. She’s tired of having to take care of herself in addition to others. Both M and I served similar roles in our circles back before college, we were both the listeners, the problem solvers who people went to to unload things to, and for advice on how to proceed in life. We’ve both had it engraved in our heads that helping=good no matter the context and we carried that with us when we parted ways for our respective universities.

Our situations continued to mirror each other as now we see that despite our roles in high school, they don’t translate well to this new chapter, it’s like when there’s a major technology shift leaving all the old equipment either crippled or almost useless. We’re both working to shed this image of mothering others and made a pact between each other to do so. As I told her about trying to shed that stigma she said something peculiar but makes sense; “be selfish”, that’s the simple way she put it. We’ve both done more than our fair share of playing the role of listener and rock to which others cling to, it was time to stop worrying about them and just have some me-time, to take care of ourselves, our wants, our desires for comfort, for friendship, for love, for anything.

College was supposed to be a new chapter, and with being more open about my sexuality I’ve made progress; well, maybe shedding this role among friends is just another page I still need to write. I will never stop being the rock or listening ear people can come to talk to and unload on, but rather carrying their burdens on my already bowed back, I’ll just neatly pack them away in storage, bringing it out only if those people want me to. I’ll still find pleasure in making people feel better through being able to unload, but now it will be a quiet process with less follow-through.

Nighttime walks and meetings with friends like I had are the exact reasons I miss coming home. I’ve known these people for years; they know my secrets, seen me at my best, seen me at my worst, and have seen me at every stage in between. These people know me for who I am and I know them for who they are. I love my college friends, but at least for now, I will never feel that level of connection with them, I will continue to hold secrets, censor my thoughts and words, and lie through my teeth if I need to. I’ve only known them for about two months compared to the years of friends back home, maybe one day I will feel the same level of connection I feel with M, Maria and my close circle, but time will sort things out for me in the end.

Tomorrow, me, Maria, and M will all be going back to our respective schools and I don’t know when we will get back together, hopefully over Thanksgiving; I’ve already promised Maria we would hang out for a full day Saturday of Thanksgiving weekend, we hadn’t done that since the summer and is something I sorely miss. We plan to bake a cake, something we hadn’t done together since I came out to her at her house back in 2008.

I never truly appreciated my home until leaving for college, the familiarity of everything, being able to fall asleep on the couch and waking up to a full blanket my mom had covered me with to keep me warm. I also miss taking late-night naps, and strangely, another thing I miss is being able to dream. My dreams have been much less vivid since I left. My dreams usually involve all my senses, it feels real, but I hadn’t experienced that in a while. I just woke up from one of these late-night naps, and I just had a strange and somewhat unsettling dream. For the first time I can remember, I had a narrated dream, there was actually a voiceover. What I also didn’t expect was that one of my friends was in my dream, but we were more than just friends. The narrator said “and then there was a kiss that only a straight guy would refuse”, he didn’t refuse, he jumped up and we just looked at each other afterwards but I woke up at that point. My id can be so evil sometimes. I’ll try not to go too deep in trying to interpret the meaning of it all. We’ll see.

Anyways, I’ll be working tomorrow and then shall be headed back to campus. I don’t look forward to the next few days.

Hell Week, I shall defeat you.

All the best,


Friday, November 5, 2010


The atmosphere around me seems to have lightened, and not in that “oh I’m feeling light headed” kind of way some literalists always manage to see things but in the happy way. My roommate has been very cheerful lately, he’s had a good week and now that we’ve finally we got our cable TV sorted out he has his soccer channel and I have my Food Network so all is right in this world haha. Unfortunately for me the next week looks to be hell week in terms of work so I’ll revel in the calm before the storm so to speak as long as I can.

The evil procrastination monster is rearing its ugly head into my life so all that work I had earlier this week is still staring at me not having been done. Tonight I really just want to go out and have fun since I’m going home tomorrow to get together with Maria for a while and spend the night. I’m going to try and get some work done but that amount of progress I will make will likely be limited I fear.

I’m hoping for this to be a refreshing one, have some fun Friday and take it easy in familiar surroundings Saturday would seem to do that.

Well, other than that it doesn’t seem to be too much to say. Everything is just flowing along on autopilot with me being on standby until I need to take the reins again, let’s hope for a smooth flight.

Enjoy your weekend,


Wednesday, November 3, 2010


I feel like I’m running in circles. Every time I feel like I’ve gone so far I end up arriving back where I started, that I’m not making the kind of progress in my life that I had hoped. My only comfort is knowing that it’s Wednesday and that there are only two more days before the weekend. Maria is coming up this weekend and we’re definitely getting together to hang out. She’s been terribly homesick and I’ve been needing to get away for some time now so I can’t wait until we can finally see each other again and just have another one of our dates.

I don’t know why I feel like I’m stuck in place. I guess I’m just stuck in this routine of wake up, go to class, eat, gym (maybe) and work and then sleep. Sure, the weekends are fun, but even going to parties is losing its charm. I think what I want is a different kind of weekend, not a massive group outing but an intimate outing. That’s why I’m looking forward to going out with Maria, I can finally talk about everything, and everything in its purest form, not some diluted, disguised version I sometimes spurt out just to satisfy the curious ears who occasionally stop by. But what do I do when Maria isn’t here? I still crave those easy going weekend nights. I want to find someone so badly. Many of my friends say I’m a nice guy and all that jazz but that doesn’t get you far. Really, “nice guys finish last” has quite a bit of truth behind it. While a random fling might be fun, you end up wanting more than that in the end.

I wish I was more assertive and extroverted.

I wish I could stop whining about this.

God I’m horny.

I need something to occupy my time that is not school work for once. I should find somewhere to volunteer, join more clubs, get a job, something to add some Jackson Pollack style fun and whimsy to my life. Going to the gym has helped somewhat, I mean, it’s a great way to release excess energy and plus I can get back into shape again; I miss my old rowing season body haha but I digress.


Yesterday was Election Day and I voted for the first time in my district’s election. Unfortunately there were some equipment issues at some of the precincts so the results are still not in, all I know is that there are less than 500 votes separating the two candidates. I spent all night trying to get work done but I ended up watching the TV for results as they came in. Mark and his friends were in the common room and they were arguing/discussing back and forth all night which was distracting but I tried my best to drown them out. The republicans have regained control of the House and the democrats still hold the Senate so I foresee much gridlock in the future.

Speaking of Mark, Maudry told me that he’s going to come out soon, apparently first to close friends, then to his roommate which will then diffuse from there. Good for him.

I found out today that I have two major papers, a presentation and a major exam all on the same day in about two weeks. I’m fucked.

The weekend cannot come any sooner.

All the best,


P.S.- Has anyone noticed the recent influx of feel-good anthems lately? I mean there's Katy Perry with Firework, Bruno Mars with Just the Way You Are, Ke$ha with We R Who We R and P!nk with Raise Your Glass. hmmmm, strange.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Halloween Weekend

Boys and girls of every age, would you like to hear something strange?

I had a good weekend.

I said it, I had what I would call a good weekend. Given it wasn’t glittery and perfect but the past few days have been good to me, and I’m feeling that much more buoyant as a result. My drive to write fizzled out for the past few days but now I’m back, and hopefully will return to a more regular schedule.

Thursday, I ended up coming out to about a dozen people in the course of an evening. I went to a gay club for their college night with a bunch of people from the first floor and by the end of the night, three people ended up coming up to me and asking if I was gay, promising myself at the end of senior year I would be honest if asked that question, I said yes every time. Apparently I was a topic of conversation on some cab rides back.

Am I glad I said yes? Well, I guess I should be. I want to be more comfortable with myself, to not try and have to hide everything, but even now, I feel hesitant to say one simple word. The fact that every time someone asked it was preceded by “Not to be offensive of anything….” or “I’m not judging you but…” made everything that much harder and that much worse. I know why they do that, that just in case, they don’t want to offend me, but in their attempts to be calm about everything I end up just being more stressed. Now though, I look back and feel a little more comfortable about saying what I did. It was hard, but it does show progress for me that I actually am becoming more comfortable with myself.

On Friday afternoon, I went trick-or-treating down on embassy row with friends and other people from my school. The promise of ethnic candies was for the most part a bust (exception: the three Korean embassies/cultural centers, they rocked and had Asian candy). It was a good time though, I got to meet up with my friend M who was visiting from Princeton for a conference this weekend and we had the best semi-reunion one could wish for in front of the embassy for Cote d’Ivoire.

Friday night I decided to stay away from Mark and give him his space as well as give myself some space. I went out with people from my old orientation group and we actually had a blast, probably one of the best nights I’ve had so far. Three of us were in costume, I was a masquerade baller, my OA friend was a flight attendant and her friend was a bunny (the playboy kind). We first got in to a sophomore/junior party thanks to the sweet talking of my friend and then later on to another party where I met this really cute guy from Georgia who was up visiting. His name my Taylor and his costume was “dick in a box” from SNL haha. We talked for a while but then me and my friends left. Finally, we hit up our old Orientation group leader’s apartment for a party he was holding and that was really cool as well since none of us had seen him in almost a month. When I got back to my dorm the scene wasn’t quite as pretty unfortunately, the guy Mark has been trying to get with drank too much and was sick and him and Maudry along with the first floor RA were attending to him along with many other people. It put a little damper on the evening overall but in full, it was a good night.

Given the festivities of Friday, I decided to take it easy Saturday. My friend D had a friend visiting from Cornell and with both D and her friend being international students, D’s friend wanted to see DC and all the monuments. We took her around DC, hitting up the Georgetown neighborhood, the national mall, the White House, down town and the Washington Monument. We spent an entire day out in the city and it felt great to just get around and walk. Plus, I got to see things I haven’t seen since I was in elementary school despite being a local, heck I don’t even remember seeing the White House in person.

After we sent D’s friend back to her bus stop, me and D headed back to campus. Earlier that day the Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart rally was held on the National Mall and the metro was absolutely packed and delays were everywhere, it was miserable, but by that evening things had calmed down a bit. I had a movie night in Saturday, me and a few people watched Slumdog Millionaire in my room and had candy and chips. We went back down to the common room afterwards and chatted. It was a surprisingly calm evening for a Saturday and the regular drunken parade didn’t appear for the most part. Near 2AM, Mark arrives back with the guy he’s interested in and not to subtly intimates he was getting some that night. Given he isn’t out and that there were a number of us in the common room, I’m hoping it was the alcohol that made him to blatantly open in his intentions. When his roommate came back later, he told us he got a text from Mark saying he was “talking with a friend until three and needed the room”. Well another guy in the room called bullshit and ratted Mark out regarding coming back with the other guy. The first floor RA (who is openly gay himself) caught wind of this and asked Mark’s roommate if he was bi which he replied with a “I don’t know”. Now Mark and his roommate hadn’t been getting along very well since Mark accused his roommate of being gay (truthfulness unknown) and recent inflammatory statements about how straight guys shouldn’t go to gay clubs. Mark’s roommate decides to head back and wait outside the room before three to see what was going on. I fire Mark a text warning him which he got later and said all was fine and I also warned him about the loose-lipped guy in the common room. He was pissed saying the guy “didn’t know him” and the like and I tried to calm him down a bit but also told him that things have the possibility of getting complicated in the near future.

I hope he took everything I said seriously. He can blame it on the alcohol all he wants but if he really does want to remain in the closet he might need to do some damage control now or end up coming out under imperfect conditions. Hopefully the actual answer will be that this whole thing will fall off the face of the earth and he will have to do nothing except be more cautious. I was able to get his back this time, I don’t know if I will be there the next time.

I think I’m making progress in getting over Mark. While time definitely is a factor, I’ve been trying more to separate myself from his dramas and give him space as well as give myself more “me time”. My friend Anna said that the best way to get over someone is to fall for someone else, the only problem is, that despite there being more potentially available guys around me than ever, I can’t seem to find them. Maudry finds them in spades much to her displeasure but my luck is decidedly low.

This upcoming week looks relatively busy, I have a theology quiz tomorrow I need to study for, I have a tutorial paper I need to start along with a presentation I need to work on. Also, Tuesday is Election Day and I intend to vote for the first time back in VA for my House representative.

I hope you had a fun and safe Halloween weekend and be sure to get out and vote come Tuesday, you actually do make a difference.

All the best,