Getting it off My Chest

I have two things to confess, two things I never really talked about before, at least until yesterday. I probably never talked about it because I was scared that if I did talk about it my fears would come true, or maybe it's because I had thought about it for such a long time now that It doesn't even have enough worth to be discussed anymore.

I think my parents are on the edge of divorce.

"Ah, but they've been married for 11 years JP, doesn't that mean anything?"

No, actually. Their wedding took place in a Las Vegas chapel with only my grandparents in attendance. I was the ring bearer and the kiss was just a peck on the cheek from my dad to my mom. Heck, if I knew better I'd think it was some joke.

Not once in their entire relationship have my parents ever lived together. My dad stayed in his house in Maryland while I lived with my mom in Virginia. The only time I'd see my dad would be on the weekends and when he'd visit occasionally on Mondays. When I was 18 months old I accidentally spilled a cup of hot water on myself and was badly burned, my dad didn't talk or even look at my mom for over a year. My mom became a single parent at that point, and it was my fault. I've quietly harboured anger over my dad's betrayal since I learned about that a few years ago, but I digress.

It was because of this awkward living situation that I've become so annoyed about having to explain that my parents are not separated whenever I say "I'm going to my dad's house" even though they might as well have been. That's how it has always felt like for as long as I remember.

Looking back, I realize I never had a permanent father figure, I'd become so used to that routine that I just assumed it to be normal.

It's because of this separation that I'd always felt a much stronger connection with my mom than with my dad. He's felt like a complete stranger to me many times over the years. Their love isn't love, it's business, cold, soulless, business

As time progressed, my parents have grown even further apart. With me now in college, my mom has stopped going to stay with my dad on Fridays, staying only on Saturday and Sunday before leaving again. My dad has turned inward, becoming increasingly testy about the most trivial of things. I've had so many conversations with my mom about how dad doesn't seem to care about her and how he never tells us what's going on when he will disappear for weeks at a time to Florida or New York.

"he treats me like a dog, no, not even that, I swear he loves Max more than he loves me"

A dull toddler can see things are heading downhill. I talked with Maria about this yesterday, the first time I've discussed this with anyone, and she said she always thought my parents never had a good relationship. Great, so it was that obvious and I'm just blind.

So why are my parents still together? Personally I think it's guilt, guilt over me. What do I mean? Well that requires another story and thought that has haunted me since I was a young teenager.

Since I was fifteen, I realized that I could very well be an accident baby. Born 7 years before marriage and never having lived in a unified home, it fits the circumstances. The only reason my parents stayed together is because they needed to raise me, and with my dad having the bulk of the wealth in the family, he felt obliged to put me to college. Is this is suspicion? Probably, and my parents would never admit whether I was a surprise, even If I was.

Strange thing is, none of this bothers me as much I think it should, and it scares me.

I feel so callous, desensitized to what should be such terrible things. If some big fight broke out and they did decide to separate I wouldn't be surprised in the least. It feels so wrong to think this way.

Getting this off my chest feels good; but I also feel guilty for believing what I do. By all standards I have lived a very good life. I'm going to one of the premier universities in the world and don't have to worry about financial strife like so many others do. Yet by saying all of this, I feel like I'm entering some locked off zone where the glitter and gold all falls off and the third world level construction underneath is revealed, threatening to crumble at the next strong gust of wind.

I'll never talk about anything I have just said with my parents, my personal "don't ask, don't tell".

All I know is, I hope everything will work out in the end; damn, I hate that exhausted old phrase.

JP