Stop it. Please, please just stop it. You’re taunting me, tearing away at me, destroying me slowly.
You don’t read this, and I’m glad you don’t because I wouldn’t want anyone to see me in this state. I’m literally shaking, my heart is pounding, I feel like there’s a pit that has opened up inside me. I’m tired of talking about you to a digital audience, I’m tired of arguing with myself about you in my mind before I go to sleep at night, I’m tired of everything this is causing me.
I have enough of my own issues that I refuse to share with anyone because it’s irrelevant to them; I don't need one more. I’m glad I met you. I wish I hadn’t. You’re brilliant and have a great future, and even if you’re gay, bi, whatever, it won’t change that. Same goes with your family, I hope things will work out. I've feared for ages now that mine's close to splitting in two and I still do, but nobody knows that, we're good at hiding things. I understand your worries whether you believe me or not and you’ll sort them out with time in your own way, I promise. I feel horrible about hearing all of this from a secondary source, like I’m some unwilling bystander in a conversation I should not have heard. I’m guilty. Imprison me.
Please stop telling me it’s all hormones and nothing more. I know what that’s like, this is different. There are things you just know. Things in-built that require no experience to recognize, and this is one of them. You go against so many things I stand for yet it doesn’t bother me, why?
Don’t answer that question.
I want a fairytale sunset ending in my life, but that’s all just fiction, things don’t turn out that way. Things don’t sparkle, mice don’t talk, pumpkins don’t become carriages; things are ugly, decrepit, foul and poisoned. But even in that chaos there are bits of order, and I want one, just to taste it even for a fleeting moment.
I feel like I’m in a low budget soap, the token gay boy tossed in for ratings, longing for what he can’t have so the audience will tune in next time to witness his next downfall or heartbreak, yet also hoping something will work out for him, but just not now.
I wish I could rein in my emotions, to bottle it and put it away on my shelf so I don’t have to deal with it even for a day.
Being surrounded by friends and their happy banter about their love lives makes me sick to my stomach. I’m happy for you, really, now’s just not the right time.
I’m going to go eat and then go for a long walk. I need to clear my head before I see my dad for the first time in a month and a half tonight. Or maybe I’ll just project myself on to movie and TV characters like I have so many times in the past and pretend I live their lives, knowing they will find happiness when their tenure is over.
I try to make other people happier to compensate for what I can't seem to find for myself.
Whatever, I don’t need your sympathy. I’ll sort things out like I have for many other things in the past and life will move on…and on….and on….and on.
I still have feelings for you; I just wish this wasn’t a one-way street.
Hookup: New York Moments Part 2
6 months ago
*hugs*
ReplyDeleteUnrequited love is one of the worst feelings in the world, and it sounds as if that's what you've got. Eventually the pain diminishes, but while it does all you can do is live through it and try to distract yourself with other things. It doesn't help when he's still around and pretty much unavoidable. But even that will change — new housing arrangements next year.
So hang in there. A lot of us have a pretty good idea how you feel.
College was the the worst time in my life. I WAS that guy that couldn't come to terms with not feeling inside the way I was taught I should and it's just a different process for all of us. My first 25 years were miserable and I thought it would never change. Hang in there. It changes BIG TIME.
ReplyDeleteHope you feel a little better and have a nice Thanksgiving.
K
Well Jp, maybe not sympathy but empathy. What you are experiencing is not just peculiar to gays but also applies to str8s too. That is how the sex drive works; infatuation that lasts for many months. But, like in marriage, the infatuation eventually wears off and people change both physically and mentally over the years, and that is the true test of love. The token gay boy needs to be with other gay boys who have no doubt about their sexuality; the 'bi' crap is hard on the head. I also remember as a closeted teen my str8 friends having a love life while I could not without being a hypocrite; I know that feeling well. But today you have the opportunity to cultivate some gay friendships and see where it goes. Either you really go after this guy or realise that there are other wonderful gay guys out there. Are there any sports/swimming/gym activities you can get into? Physical activity is a great high, helps to banish those emotional lows, and you get to have fun with other guys. bfn - Wayne:) (I'm not digital; I'm very real!)
ReplyDeleteI totally get you :( I wish there's something I could do to help you but I can't.
ReplyDeleteBe strong, I'm sure the right boy is waiting!
"...he token gay boy tossed in for ratings, longing for what he can’t have so the audience will tune in next time to witness his next downfall or heartbreak"
ReplyDeleteThat line encapsulates every struggling LGBT teen across the world. Amazing that you could put it into text.
Its easier said than done, but hang in there. It will and does get better.
Entropy, in a sense, is a direction of order.
ReplyDeleteI can't get a complete or even a minor grasp of your situation, which I'm sure is what you prefer... but just remember that you are worthy and deserving of love, how you wish it to be.
I believe in waking up to my future lover's innocent, slumbering face someday. I believe in sharing my world with my future lover until my heart feels like it will tear apart, my voice is hoarse, and my lips are chapped and bleeding. I believe in fairytale love because that belief will get us as close as we can, even if it can't be completely true.
Please don't lose hope. Life is so short and its easy for one to give up, sometimes just by thinking of the fact that it will end someday. But what matters is that we at least tried to achieve/attain/fulfill our wishes to the very end.
Kenny