I told myself that I would spend the night working. I have too much work to be fooling around online, blogging, or watching TV, yet, I still manage to break all my rules. Why am I such an unmotivated mess of a student?
Is it because I have so much on my plate that I’m unconsciously just scooting it along in hopes that maybe my work will just do itself? Or is it because there’s too much running through my mind to focus on what’s actually important right now? It’s 1AM now and I still have much to do, yet I’m typing this post instead of working on anything in the laundry list of assignments I have.
I’ve drunken about half a pot of coffee in the past 30 minutes, half a pot to go.
What has been bothering me? Things that shouldn’t bother me. Things that aren't permanent but annoyingly come and go like a mosquito on a summer's evening. Things that should have stopped being the center of my attention long ago. Things that shouldn’t bother me but do because I’m a silly, childish Romeo that’s stuck in the past. Those sentences were all fragments; I’m sorry. I need to stop apologizing so much; I’m sorry.
I guess I shouldn’t have expected that I would be able to let go so easily; I’ve never been good at that. I shouldn’t have expected that I'd be able to move on like nothing had ever happened, it comes naturally to some people, but not to me. It’s not worth it, it is worth it.
No, it isn’t worth it, you’re not the right person for me. Your selfish, hedonistic ways go against my core principles. Figure yourself out without leaving such a large wake behind you dammit. You’ve reduced me to ranting, something I loathe yet find so delightfully cathartic at the same time. Sometimes I wish I never got your number that day. If I wasn’t sitting in the lobby that afternoon I could have avoided all of this, we would have just been acquaintances. You would have been another face on the first floor like all the others.
Why did we meet? Coincidence? Fate? Give me an answer or at least a hint. You’ve brought me great happiness while also bringing me pain; I wish we never met yet I’m so glad we did. God damn this entire situation.
I’ve finished an entire pot of coffee. I won’t be sleeping tonight.
It’s already 1:30, I definitely won’t be sleeping tonight.
I thought avoiding you would help, it did, but only temporarily, the placebo effect quickly wore off. I hate grasping for what isn’t there.
I need to stop moping about this; I need to grow a pair and move on. “If you’re always stuck in the past you can never work towards the future” as I once said to a friend, I should follow my own advice sometime. I need to do this for my own good and so that you guys can stop reading about this silly teenage drama.
My handwriting is sloppier than it was earlier in the paragraph, the caffeine is kicking in.
I got a care package from my parents (meaning mom) today. It brightened my day. Dad’s on one of his secretive trips to Florida; he never tells us what he’s actually doing down there. I don’t want to know. He’s already been gone for a week, one more to go. I wish I had a stronger (aka closer) relationship with him.
My roommate's sick again, he's used up more of my own medicine that I have.
I want some excitement in my life; I want to do something daring, something I might regret but right now could care less about.
The cautious want to take risks! My how things have changed.
JP
P.S. - Shout-out to Pazecrit, he's a relatively new blogger and is definately worth reading.
Hookup: New York Moments Part 2
6 months ago
It's called the sex drive JP. That flood of testosterone consumes your mind and squeezes out responsibility (it's the same for animals in the wild!). They say us guys think about sex every 15min but at your age I think it is every minute lol. Some advice; ffs draw off a batch occasionally so you can focus on your work! You are burning the candle at both ends and it will catch up to you. DO NOT short-change your sleep; you need 8-9hrs consistently every night for energy and memory the next day. I guess you are talking about Mark, but why not keep him as a friend with benefits and not expect any more if he is always 'leaving a trail of destruction behind him'? PLEASE find some self-dicipline and put your education at the top of the priority list (education is expensive!); manage your time and stick to it. Do something daring on the weekend when you have some slack time; I'm sure there are some other interesting gay guys on that campus. bfn - Wayne :) (nice that you are looking after your roommate)
ReplyDeleteI'm not looking for another hookup or even a friends with benefits sort of thing, I'm just annoyed by the amount of drama it has caused me and probably a few of my close friends I've talked about it with. In reality, the situation isn't nearly as grave as it seems.
ReplyDeleteIt's probably fairly common for people to find ways to avoid doing what needs to be done until the deadline. Not good, but tolerable if you actually get it done on time. Better if you can work up some self-discipline, as wayner says. Maybe go to the library to study, if you can't do it in your room.
ReplyDelete