Pantsless

So I spent the better part of last night at a Grilling Society party with no pants on....and tonight, I'm going "bowling with the gays" on a University Pride organized group bowling trip...

...I plan on owning all of them hehehehe.

Actually having free time leads to such good life choices.

Also, I kinda like Jessie J's new single...it's a little too Katy Perry ish for my tastes but still quite catchy.


Jessie J - Domino

On another note, I had a dream all about Mark last night and not to get me wrong, it was a great dream but I'm baffled as to why he would feature as the "lead role" in one of my dreams at this time. I woke up this morning with a very strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, kind of a mix of confusion and nostalgia. I'm probably looking too deeply into it as I often do...

Any inputs and thoughts?

Also, I've been looking for some new workout songs. I've been cycling through essentially the same playlist for the past month and a half and I'm starting to get bored. I like newer music (post 2004) and something that I can blast and keep my energy up when running/erging/lifting etc. All suggestions are greatly appreciated.

Plase excuse my extravagant use of ellipses and the word "also" in this post, I really didn't feel like thinking of other transition words.

Have a great weekend,

JP

Dreams v3.0

I knew I had woken up, but I kept my eyes shut, hoping that maybe what I had just felt, smelled, heard, tasted and saw was real and not another convoluted construct of my overly excited imagination.

It was too real. I felt, smelled and heard every breath, I felt every movement of his body with mine, I tasted his tongue and felt his lips against mine, all in that rough, passionate way only two testosterone fueled guys could do. We were in a corner of some room, there was talking in the background, maybe it was some party. It was like that Student Senate party I went to with him in January except not. There was less stress from the lack of an unhappy birthday girl, it was just raw and animalistic. I miss that. I didn't want it to end.

In my half awake state, lines between the reality of a new week and my dream world blurred, I tried desperately to cling on to what I thought was real and the light from the sun streaming through the blinds which was real. It wasn't my alarm which woke me up, no it was still too early, and when I checked my clock, indeed, I still had another hour.

Another hour to dream, lost.

If this is what my horoscope meant by "romance rocking my world", that's one cruel, cruel joke.

Curses.

It Happened

Mark got mono, and the birds in the trees say it was from hooking up with a guy during the later part of the past week.

Is this some God sent sign telling me to stay away from him and just say "no"? Or is this just some divinity-free consequence of his own doing?

We ran into him when he opened his door when he heard me, Liz, and my friend Anna talking in the hallway after spending a night in. He looked miserable, sick as a dog, and was unable to sleep. In that doorway, he was so...vulnerable. He's usually a symbol of power and authority, an admirable pillar of confidence and opinions; It shocked me to see him in such a pale, sickly state. Even so, in his robe and leaning against the frame of his door for support, he still was appealing. His brown eyes still cut through me like a freshly sharpened blade through butter and the softness of his features stilled showed through. I wanted him.

I need to stop lying to myself. I've fallen for him again. I tried telling myself he's bad for me, that he's not looking for a relationship and isn't into commitment. I've had three close friends it would only lead to trouble, but even that couldn't stop this from happening.

It's scary to think that months of working to get over him got undone in the span of a few days. It's like how building a sky scraper takes years, but a demolition team can bring it down in seconds. This isn't something I want to repeat; there's too much baggage that comes with it. My friends say I deserve better; I think I deserve someone who wants me just as much as I want him and Mark isn't ready for that, at least to the extent of my knowledge.

It's going to be October and November all over again. I feel it.

JP

Play the Music Low

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!

I met with the head of the LGBTQ center on campus and I'm working on getting a permanent recurring position at the center. I don’t qualify for Federal Work-Study so I won’t be paid but I will now at least have something to do and have the ability to have more of an impact on campus. Plus, I’ll be able to meet some new people as a result. The head is such a nice person, I met her during new student orientation and we chatted about classes and other things I was interested in for a while.

I talked to my friend Liz this morning over bagels and coffee about my situation with Mark and got her opinion of what I should do. I told her about Mark and me, which she already had an inkling about, and my worries that it could be October and November all over again if things go awry. She thinks that Mark’s not a committing type and is still very much “lofty” and on a guy-to-guy basis now. I definately see that point and is the reason I both her, Maria and now increasingly I think I should just end things with Mark before things have the chance to get bad, even if that does mean not even keeping it casual. I still want to be friends though. Liz and Maria don't want to see me hurt, and I really appreciate that from both of them.

After the mess at home, finding out yesterday one of my friend’s tried to commit suicide two days ago and the Mark conundrum, I need to limit the things that will weigh me down and keep me from keeping up with the fast-paced pack. I don’t know what I’ll do about Mark though, I still want to be friends but things are so shaky between us that I don’t know where I want to go. The battle between heart and mind is still raging and probably will for a while before one gives up or is ultimately defeated in some glorious fashion. In the end, I just need to keep up with my studies, that’s what matters right now.

Next week looks to be hell with two tests, a case presentation and an ethics paper all due in the span of three days. I have a feeling this weekend will be mostly work and less fun than usual. It probably will do me good since I’ve had a few very fun weekends and plus I don’t want to put on weight due to drinking, especially since I tried out to be a runway model yesterday for the Spring Fashion Show. Me and a friend both got invited to tryouts and thought it was one of the most ridiculous things ever so we went to check it out. They took a full body shot, a headshot and had us walk, me being shirtless. Haha, man, that was funny; I wish tryouts were later though so I could have hit the gym a little more beforehand. Neither of us expect a callback but I can at least check “tryout to be a model” off my bucket list.

I’ve been lacking on the musical front lately so here are two songs that have been on repeat; I’ve also updated my playlist on the sidebar if you’re interested.


Plain White T’s- Rhythm of Love


Florence + The Machine- Dog Days are Over

All the best,

JP

Friday (A Scary Weekend Part I)

I’ve fucked up. This whole weekend has probably been one of the scariest and dizzying roller coaster rides in recent memory and likely in my life, and I’m kind of a wreck on the inside as a result. There’s too much to say in one post so I’ll probably have to split it up. Let me elaborate from the beginning.

Friday was my friend H’s birthday and we had all chipped in so she would have a good time. We had a champagne toast before dinner and went out to a Thai restaurant. We went back to campus afterwards, enjoyed cake (red velvet, which still scares me even if it does taste pretty good) and then the libations began flowing in her room. Mark had bought plenty of drinks for us and we played a few rounds of kings with Franzia and vodka which was fun but got boring after a while. I don’t why I drank so much Franzia as it tasted like a hybrid of diluted Welch’s grape juice with a splash of Burnett’s added for fun.

Sorry for going off track.

H was getting pretty drunk and was being kind of reckless with her drinking, purposefully losing rounds of Kings so she could have more. Around 11, Mark had to go to a Student Senate party and he could bring a handful of us with him. Apparently Mark convinced H to go by telling her Maudry was kicking her out of the room in order to hook up with a guy (not true). It ended up being me, Mark, H and another girl Nel who went to the party which was a couple of blocks away.

H was getting increasingly uncomfortable the entire walk over and kept wanting to turn back. She kept saying how everyone abandoned her and weren’t her true friends even though they simply didn’t feel like going out and that Mark could only bring a certain amount of poeple. Nel and I convinced her each time to at least stick around for a little while more and we eventually got her inside. It was a small gathering as Mark had said and while he went off talking to the other senators, Nel, H and I stood to the side until H said she wanted to go again. Nel and I walked her over to the living room where she began to get very upset that she wasn’t having a good time and just wanted to go to bed. I went to go talk to Mark about trying to get the others to come talk to her and make her feel better but unknown to me, as we were talking, H had convinced Nel to leave and they slipped away unnoticed.

By this point I was upset because H was an emotional mess and I felt horrible for having unintentionally abandoning her. Since they left, only me and Mark were left at the party, alone in the living room trying to figure out what to do. In a matter of seconds however our conversation slipped from H to Mark telling me that he didn’t want a relationship yet but still being physically attracted to me. After a brief back and forth, we found ourselves behind a corner of a wall making out like it was nobody’s business. When we pulled ourselves apart, he told me he would text me when he got back to the dorm. He had to go back to the other senators and I went back to the dorms.

I found Nel and the others in my friend L’s room and she was still visibly upset. I talked to her for a second before she left to talk to Nel in her room. I stayed in L’s room for a while and told them about what happened during the walk which upset them and became one of the main topics of conversation. For about two hours we sat and talked in the common room before Mark came back from the multiple parties he ended up attending that night. He went to hang out with his friends for a while before I split off and went back to my room.

He came up after a while and after an exchange of “hi”s we starting going at it. This was the first time I had hooked up with anyone since the end of October and the last person I hooked up with was Mark again, before I became an emotional wreck over him. During and after we were hooking up, we talked about how a hookup can just be a hookup and that we should just leave it at that. He wasn’t in to hooking up too often but said he wouldn’t mind getting together occasionally for some fun. I obviously agreed, and at that note we said goodnight.

When my roommate came back, I told him I thought he knew who I was with. After some prodding, he guessed Mark and I told him yes. I asked if he was okay with it and being the chill guy he is, he said of course and that was that. Mind you, he hadn’t had a thing to drink all night so this wasn’t some drunken exchange, well at least on his end. Coming out to him this way probably wasn’t the best idea in the world but the fact that it turned out as well as it did makes me feel better.

The next day I went home to meet up with Maria for lunch and to hang out and I told her about what had happened and my worries about what’s next. If you guys knew about my situation with Mark back in the fall, you know I fell for him and fell for him hard. In fact, I only recently got over him and accepted the fact that we probably wouldn’t go any further than just being friends. I still question today though whether I really did get over him all the way. I realize I most likely still do harbor residual feelings for him and always will. After getting together with him again, I worry that it will be the October fiasco all over if I become emotionally attached again, which, to be honest, is a very real possibility.

Yes, I would love a relationship, and yes I would love for that to be with Mark, but I know that won’t happen, at least for a long while. I’m trying to keep what I have with Mark as light on the emotional baggage as possible while letting the physical run rampant. Maria said that getting back together with Mark would be bad for me on many levels and I can see where she is coming from since I’ve told her almost everything and she knows me better than I know myself.
Another thing that worries me is that Mark can be rather hedonistic at times and he’s said he wouldn’t mind “being a piece of ass” for the senior guys over at where he works. That shouldn’t bother be since it’s his life and he can do whatever he wants, but it’s something that’s sticking in my head more than it probably should.

What I want to do is seemingly impossible- get together with a guy I had fallen head over heels with on a exclusively just for fun basis. The only advantage I have on my side that I didn’t before is that I know this time that I shouldn’t pursue him like I did before. Back then I thought I had a chance with Mark, but now I know better. As long as I keep that fact in my mind I think I should be fine and be able to just enjoy the moment. I think.

If you’ve gotten to this point, thanks, this was a terribly long post. I just really needed to get this off my chest. Plus, I promise my Saturday story is even worse (better?).

Yikes, I’m scaring myself just thinking about it.

All the best,

JP

Be My Teenage Dream Tonight

It’s been a while, eh? Finals week is approaching and pretty much I’ve been finding myself locked in the library until the wee hours of the morning trying to churn out papers and work of questionable quality.

I’ve had some strange things happen to me lately, whether or not it is due to stress I cannot know but it’s a likely suspect. Strangeness however is something I have gotten used to and there is actually much to discuss and tell. Shall we begin?

Something somewhat foreign to me has entered my life and I’m not particularly sure how to react. I’ve developed some sort of quiet hatred for someone, a friend actually. This isn’t hatred out of jealousy but more simply over who the person is and their personality. While I would never say this is outright, I get the impression that the reason I harbor such a quiet anger is that I think “subject Y” is in my mind a selfish, whiny, two-faced individual simply seeking sympathy and attention. Thing is, Y is a truly nice person on the outside, Y comes across as kind and gentle yet nevertheless I get the distinct impression there is an act being put on, that it’s all ingenuine and is meant to lull others into a sense of false security. I know Y has a habit of talking about others behind their backs which just adds to the problem. While it could be just me, Something just seems off about Y which makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

As I’ve said many times recently I’ve been staying on my home floor much more lately and working with them and hanging out with them. It was last week during the night we watched Love Actually that I met a new guy from a different dorm named Zach. He’s friends with one of my other friends and a few other people on my floor and that’s how we all initially met through acquaintance. Zach’s a very cool guy, he’s tall, has gorgeous blue eyes, brown hair and sings in an acapella group here on campus; I also think he could be gay. For the past few nights I’ve been studying in the library when he joins us to work and I’ve sat next to him each time. We chat and talk and sometimes tease and just get along well; he’s a cute/hot nerd and just a nice guy in general. I honestly don’t know if he’s gay or not nor do I plan to ask but hey, the future can hold many surprises, maybe he could play a large role in my future.

I haven’t been able to talk to Glee guy much lately, he’s been doing lots of stuff off campus and he missed Glee tonight for a dance related class elsewhere in DC. I wish I could get to know him a little better than the brief handful of sentences we’ve exchanged. If I could get to know him through interaction like I have with Zach things would likely be much easier to get a read on how well we actually get along.

Mark has been busy himself lately with political work and trying to get reform passed on campus and normally when I run into him it’s due to him working. I’ve gotten better since my little fallout over him a few weeks ago.

I just want an honest relationship…

Blah, this feels like such a filler post but I’m not terribly in the mood for deeper writing. I think finals is causing me to become less expressive in general, too much stress.

Oh, finally, I think I’m going to disable comments for a little while. I realize that while I love getting comments on my posts I find myself constantly looking for notices saying one has posted. So in need to reduce distraction and to return to simple writing, I’m going to disable comments for the foreseeable future. I’ll definitely reopen them in the future however, probably after finals are done would be my best guess.

It’s almost 3:30AM, time for bed.

All the best,

JP

Relapse

I told myself that I would spend the night working. I have too much work to be fooling around online, blogging, or watching TV, yet, I still manage to break all my rules. Why am I such an unmotivated mess of a student?

Is it because I have so much on my plate that I’m unconsciously just scooting it along in hopes that maybe my work will just do itself? Or is it because there’s too much running through my mind to focus on what’s actually important right now? It’s 1AM now and I still have much to do, yet I’m typing this post instead of working on anything in the laundry list of assignments I have.

I’ve drunken about half a pot of coffee in the past 30 minutes, half a pot to go.

What has been bothering me? Things that shouldn’t bother me. Things that aren't permanent but annoyingly come and go like a mosquito on a summer's evening. Things that should have stopped being the center of my attention long ago. Things that shouldn’t bother me but do because I’m a silly, childish Romeo that’s stuck in the past. Those sentences were all fragments; I’m sorry. I need to stop apologizing so much; I’m sorry.

I guess I shouldn’t have expected that I would be able to let go so easily; I’ve never been good at that. I shouldn’t have expected that I'd be able to move on like nothing had ever happened, it comes naturally to some people, but not to me. It’s not worth it, it is worth it.

No, it isn’t worth it, you’re not the right person for me. Your selfish, hedonistic ways go against my core principles. Figure yourself out without leaving such a large wake behind you dammit. You’ve reduced me to ranting, something I loathe yet find so delightfully cathartic at the same time. Sometimes I wish I never got your number that day. If I wasn’t sitting in the lobby that afternoon I could have avoided all of this, we would have just been acquaintances. You would have been another face on the first floor like all the others.

Why did we meet? Coincidence? Fate? Give me an answer or at least a hint. You’ve brought me great happiness while also bringing me pain; I wish we never met yet I’m so glad we did. God damn this entire situation.

I’ve finished an entire pot of coffee. I won’t be sleeping tonight.

It’s already 1:30, I definitely won’t be sleeping tonight.

I thought avoiding you would help, it did, but only temporarily, the placebo effect quickly wore off. I hate grasping for what isn’t there.

I need to stop moping about this; I need to grow a pair and move on. “If you’re always stuck in the past you can never work towards the future” as I once said to a friend, I should follow my own advice sometime. I need to do this for my own good and so that you guys can stop reading about this silly teenage drama.

My handwriting is sloppier than it was earlier in the paragraph, the caffeine is kicking in.

I got a care package from my parents (meaning mom) today. It brightened my day. Dad’s on one of his secretive trips to Florida; he never tells us what he’s actually doing down there. I don’t want to know. He’s already been gone for a week, one more to go. I wish I had a stronger (aka closer) relationship with him.

My roommate's sick again, he's used up more of my own medicine that I have.

I want some excitement in my life; I want to do something daring, something I might regret but right now could care less about.

The cautious want to take risks! My how things have changed.

JP

P.S. - Shout-out to Pazecrit, he's a relatively new blogger and is definately worth reading.

Halloween Weekend

Boys and girls of every age, would you like to hear something strange?

I had a good weekend.

I said it, I had what I would call a good weekend. Given it wasn’t glittery and perfect but the past few days have been good to me, and I’m feeling that much more buoyant as a result. My drive to write fizzled out for the past few days but now I’m back, and hopefully will return to a more regular schedule.

Thursday, I ended up coming out to about a dozen people in the course of an evening. I went to a gay club for their college night with a bunch of people from the first floor and by the end of the night, three people ended up coming up to me and asking if I was gay, promising myself at the end of senior year I would be honest if asked that question, I said yes every time. Apparently I was a topic of conversation on some cab rides back.

Am I glad I said yes? Well, I guess I should be. I want to be more comfortable with myself, to not try and have to hide everything, but even now, I feel hesitant to say one simple word. The fact that every time someone asked it was preceded by “Not to be offensive of anything….” or “I’m not judging you but…” made everything that much harder and that much worse. I know why they do that, that just in case, they don’t want to offend me, but in their attempts to be calm about everything I end up just being more stressed. Now though, I look back and feel a little more comfortable about saying what I did. It was hard, but it does show progress for me that I actually am becoming more comfortable with myself.

On Friday afternoon, I went trick-or-treating down on embassy row with friends and other people from my school. The promise of ethnic candies was for the most part a bust (exception: the three Korean embassies/cultural centers, they rocked and had Asian candy). It was a good time though, I got to meet up with my friend M who was visiting from Princeton for a conference this weekend and we had the best semi-reunion one could wish for in front of the embassy for Cote d’Ivoire.

Friday night I decided to stay away from Mark and give him his space as well as give myself some space. I went out with people from my old orientation group and we actually had a blast, probably one of the best nights I’ve had so far. Three of us were in costume, I was a masquerade baller, my OA friend was a flight attendant and her friend was a bunny (the playboy kind). We first got in to a sophomore/junior party thanks to the sweet talking of my friend and then later on to another party where I met this really cute guy from Georgia who was up visiting. His name my Taylor and his costume was “dick in a box” from SNL haha. We talked for a while but then me and my friends left. Finally, we hit up our old Orientation group leader’s apartment for a party he was holding and that was really cool as well since none of us had seen him in almost a month. When I got back to my dorm the scene wasn’t quite as pretty unfortunately, the guy Mark has been trying to get with drank too much and was sick and him and Maudry along with the first floor RA were attending to him along with many other people. It put a little damper on the evening overall but in full, it was a good night.

Given the festivities of Friday, I decided to take it easy Saturday. My friend D had a friend visiting from Cornell and with both D and her friend being international students, D’s friend wanted to see DC and all the monuments. We took her around DC, hitting up the Georgetown neighborhood, the national mall, the White House, down town and the Washington Monument. We spent an entire day out in the city and it felt great to just get around and walk. Plus, I got to see things I haven’t seen since I was in elementary school despite being a local, heck I don’t even remember seeing the White House in person.

After we sent D’s friend back to her bus stop, me and D headed back to campus. Earlier that day the Stephen Colbert and Jon Stewart rally was held on the National Mall and the metro was absolutely packed and delays were everywhere, it was miserable, but by that evening things had calmed down a bit. I had a movie night in Saturday, me and a few people watched Slumdog Millionaire in my room and had candy and chips. We went back down to the common room afterwards and chatted. It was a surprisingly calm evening for a Saturday and the regular drunken parade didn’t appear for the most part. Near 2AM, Mark arrives back with the guy he’s interested in and not to subtly intimates he was getting some that night. Given he isn’t out and that there were a number of us in the common room, I’m hoping it was the alcohol that made him to blatantly open in his intentions. When his roommate came back later, he told us he got a text from Mark saying he was “talking with a friend until three and needed the room”. Well another guy in the room called bullshit and ratted Mark out regarding coming back with the other guy. The first floor RA (who is openly gay himself) caught wind of this and asked Mark’s roommate if he was bi which he replied with a “I don’t know”. Now Mark and his roommate hadn’t been getting along very well since Mark accused his roommate of being gay (truthfulness unknown) and recent inflammatory statements about how straight guys shouldn’t go to gay clubs. Mark’s roommate decides to head back and wait outside the room before three to see what was going on. I fire Mark a text warning him which he got later and said all was fine and I also warned him about the loose-lipped guy in the common room. He was pissed saying the guy “didn’t know him” and the like and I tried to calm him down a bit but also told him that things have the possibility of getting complicated in the near future.

I hope he took everything I said seriously. He can blame it on the alcohol all he wants but if he really does want to remain in the closet he might need to do some damage control now or end up coming out under imperfect conditions. Hopefully the actual answer will be that this whole thing will fall off the face of the earth and he will have to do nothing except be more cautious. I was able to get his back this time, I don’t know if I will be there the next time.

I think I’m making progress in getting over Mark. While time definitely is a factor, I’ve been trying more to separate myself from his dramas and give him space as well as give myself more “me time”. My friend Anna said that the best way to get over someone is to fall for someone else, the only problem is, that despite there being more potentially available guys around me than ever, I can’t seem to find them. Maudry finds them in spades much to her displeasure but my luck is decidedly low.

This upcoming week looks relatively busy, I have a theology quiz tomorrow I need to study for, I have a tutorial paper I need to start along with a presentation I need to work on. Also, Tuesday is Election Day and I intend to vote for the first time back in VA for my House representative.

I hope you had a fun and safe Halloween weekend and be sure to get out and vote come Tuesday, you actually do make a difference.

All the best,

JP

Shelter Me Oh Genius Words

A song I've become addicted to lately. Something about it just makes me calm down, even if my mind is running at a mile a minute, this song reins me in and makes me take a breath.

I really want to see Cartel live one day; they sound amazing in concert from the videos I've seen, a tall order when talent is often the product of clever computer programs.

I only have one class tomorrow at 3, I can finally sleep in.

Mark's working on Arabic; he's exhausted but probably won't be sleeping for a while. I want to give him a hug, but I won't for too many reasons.

He's still on my mind.

It's not worth it. It is worth it.

Il n'y rien que je peux faire de lui aider, et ca me blessé

A Letter.

Mark, I want to talk. Please, just give me ten minutes, then you can be on your way. It’s been something that has been building up inside me for quite some time but now, I feel, is the time it should be addressed.

Are you okay, alright.

Mark, what has happened to you? The way you’ve been the last few weeks.

No, this isn’t about my stupid school boy crush on you. It’s about you.

You’ve changed Mark, and I’m sorry, but it wasn’t for the better. You’ve really hurt me Mark and I don’t know why.

When I first met you, you were drunk out of your mind. I just happened to run into you with a group of friends as you were stumbling up the hill to the front lawn in front of the upperclassmen apartments.

I didn’t know your name, who you were, which floor you lived on, heck, I didn’t even know you were a freshman. All I knew was, you needed help. We (me and my friends), rounded you up and calmed you down. It was mid September at that time and you were wearing that blue checked shirt I still see you wear from time to time. We got you to sit down, I learned your name and then after you insisted about wanting to go out more, I helped you up, and then back down a flight of metal stairs at that apartment complex. You had to lean on me down those stairs because you had had so much already. You commented on how I “had a nice back and shoulders” that night too, you were a funny drunk.

I still even remember those words you said that night “I’ve only had twelve, I need at least fifteen to blackout” and when I asked where you were going, you said “I’m lone wolfing it, I always do”

Granted, I see now that wasn’t probably the best first impression I got of you, but that was how we first met.

Two weeks later, I went to the first pregame in your room. Afterwards we went out. I had six shots after you sort of forced me into doing them with you but I obliged thinking nothing of it.

What I didn’t know at that time, Mark, was that my opinion of you would change forever that night.

That night you came out to me and Maudry, and we talked about it all the way until 5:30AM. We talked about how your homophobic high school experience scarred you for life, how stereotypes annoy you more than they even annoy me, and how you wanted a fresh start in College, to come out as who you were and not have to hide, but you were afraid you were just going to keep postponing it, over and over again.

But what struck me the most about that night, however, wasn’t that you came out to me, but that in that couch, talking to me and Maudry, I saw who you truly were. You were so genuine, candid, so inexplicably real I almost forgot how human emotion could exist at such levels. It was beautiful. It was heartbreaking.

That night, Mark, changed how I looked at you forever. I saw the real Mark, and I was glad.

That same night, you also said how much you hated “fakes”, how much you wanted people to just be real, genuine, to just take off their mask and present themselves to the world not as what you say yourself to be, but rather who they really were. Those words resonated with me as I too yearn for the day people would just stop pretending and be genuine for once in this airbrushed, painted over world.

That night I was happy for two reasons. One was because I thought I has finally found someone who was genuine in this world, and two, because I had thought I had made a great friend.

Mark, do you know why I wanted to talk?

It’s because I’m frustrated, Mark, frustrated with myself and disappointed with you. No, disappointed is the wrong word, I’m not disappointed, I’m…I don’t even know.

The Mark I met that night is gone. Hidden behind a mask. Why? Well, you’d have to answer that question.

Mark, what happened? You’ve changed, and not for the better. What happened to the genuine, sweet person I met that September night?

When we got together Wednesday, you called me a “slut”, you know what, that’s not cool with me. First, I’m not, and while I realize you probably said it in jest, it still hurt. I ignored it, but I don’t know if I can. The first night we got together, I was so happy, happy, because you felt so comfortable around me to do something like that. But now I see that you were just using me, those library get togethers, “fortune favouring the unbold” after my roommate turned the corner when we were in the doorway of my room about to kiss for the first time and how you were glad we delayed it as much as we did. Those were all lies, you just wanted to use me like some toy, something to play around with, to use to solve your own frustrations.

Last night, I went to your room to pregame again, I gave you your space, I warned you that your room was loud enough to hear form down the hall and that for your own sake it should be quieted down a little, little things to make sure you wouldn’t get in trouble in the end.

As 10:30 rolled around, and things started to wind down, you asked me how many drinks I had, I had five, “hah, you’re Asian, you can’t hold your liquor” you replied. No Mark, trust me, I can hold my liquor, and coming from someone who I found hunched over his sink vomiting one night, I wouldn’t be talking. I respect my limits, unlike some people who don’t.

But the boldest thing you did last night was to abandon me and my friend in his dorm so you could go to a party with two other people. Your “secret conversation” in your dorm, hah, I call bullshit.

We ended up going to a theatre production where I met up with true friends, people who don’t judge, don’t abandon, and actually enjoy each other's company. I had a ball, and when I found out that your little party failed and wouldn’t let you guys in, I felt a sense of victory. And afterwards, as I was coming back to the dorms and I saw you guys heading out again, I hoped that your search would prove fruitless. When I saw you an hour later, I realized I was right, and I laughed, because it’s the small victories that count.

Mark, I’m not angry at you, I’m frustrated at myself, frustrated that I can never seem to find anything that will just give me some sense of happiness and satisfaction for just one fleeting moment.

You’re a great guy, I just wish that one day you will look back at this and realize that you’re better than this. I want the real Mark back, not this image you feel you need to conform to unconsciously or not.

I wish you the best as I always have, because I’m not a spiteful individual, I’m a friend as I always have been, I just hope you recognize that.

3

Mon Dieu, Pourquoi ce debacle n'ira pas finir?! Things between me and Mark keep getting more effing confusing. Before I explain, I should provide a warning that I may get into more detail than some would prefer and also that what I'm going to say may not reflect well on me personally. Okay, all set? good.

In my last post about a week ago I talked about how me and Mark had a talk and I admitted that I had a grade-school crush on him and that went on so that we both said how neither of us were really each others type. Well, I felt a little bummed but nevertheless I wasn't totally crushed after. Well, what I left out was that after out conversation we ended up hooking up. Yeah, I know. Talk about taking the whole "let's be friends" things and fucking around with it 10 seconds later.

That whole situation confused the heck out of me but I ended up just seeing it as the end of whatever could have been between us. I gave him some space the next few days.

Well, yesterday I ended up having a quiet night in terms of homework as did Mark and we ended up chatting on Facebook. After some time of awkwardly saying how his roommate would be out for some time and that we both weren't busy, he asked if I wanted to come over to his room. Well, I guess you can imagine I accepted. When I got there we chatted for a while and he said that he felt slutty for always ending up meeting each other but then said how we both benefited as well (he used an international relations analogy, it was strangly appealing and so nerdy at the same time). He mentioned again that I wasn't really his type and him mine but we both digressed. We ended up hooking up again, this time in his room, he was being really cautious, afraid his roommate would come back despite his word he wouldn't be back for a while, and turned on music to create background noise but that ended up making things more exciting in the end. Damn, did that just happen? Now I feel slutty.

I asked him if he would consider going further with a guy but he said he wasn't at that point yet. After all was done, he admitted in a really cute way that after he finishes, he always looks stoned since he turns bright red and his eyes become slightly bloodshot. He then said he would find me a date which I then retorted that he should find himself one first. I laughed and said goodnight at that point.

I'm so confused by this all. Even though we both have said that neither of us were each other's type and that we would probably just stay friends, we always manage to find ourselves together. I'm so tempted to just say "hey, I know that this might be a stretch for you and also for me, but why don't we give it a try and go out some time, and if things don't work out, we can go back to being friends?" I'm afraid that if he accepts but things don't work out, things will just end up being awkward and that I will have residual feelings for him.

So many traps!

Anyways, in other news, things have been going pretty well. I got back what I thought was a truly crappy paper but got an A- on it, yay! I also recently turned in a theology paper and took my first Calc test, hopefully things will go well for those as well. Last night I also went to go see the theatre group's production of Arsenic and Old Lace which was hysterical, especially since a few of my friends were in the show itself. Things have calmed down a little finally after a few days of work overload so I'm enjoying having some down time though I should get a jump on next week's work.

Enjoy your weekend,

JP

Adieu

Ah, hello again. Well, I have some news I should probably share, things between me and Mark have probably come to an end. We talked this afternoon and in the end the feelings were decidedly one-sided. How it worked out was that while he thought I was a nice guy he wasn't ready to start the whole boyfriend search. It was still too early. He had never really acted on any of his feelings before coming here and talking about it with me and Maudry, and the only things he's done with a guy was with me, and now he wants to go and figure himself out, and I'm fully supportive of that.

I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not a little disappointed and upset that things had to turn out like this way, but life goes on. At least I now know this now and can try and move on, rather than staying put and digging myself a deeper and deeper hole of false hope. I do wish him all the best, he's a great guy and I only want the best for him, with whoever that may be in the end.

As a result of this exchange, I have gotten thinking myself about my priorities. Like Mark, I never really actually have acted on my true feelings before coming here to college and maybe I'm rushing into trying to find a boyfriend a little too quickly. I mean, in a way, I've just come out again for the first time, there's a whole new world out there, ready to be seen. There are so many things to try and fail or succeed at, and with each success or failure, I will take away something that will make me that much wiser. So, maybe, I should take a page out of Mark's book and put finding a relationship on hold and just live life and have some fun. There are thousands of new people all around me I haven't met. Maybe I should just go out and have a few flings, it sounds cliché but that is part of the college experience.

I've helped Mark learn a lot about himself and he's helped me learn a lot about myself as well. Maybe things haven't worked out, but I can safely say we've both taken away a lot from this experience. We ended on good terms and friends we will remain, so maybe, one day, our paths will cross again, and if not, I'll be perfectly content.

All the best,

JP

Because you are hot and cold, yes and no

I think things between me and Mark have gone awkward. We haven't really talked since last Thursday's encounter and I feel like he's been avoiding me or ignoring me for some reason. He said in Thursday he didn't want things to be awkward between us but that's exactly how it is now. I don't know if that was his way of cutting things off between us but I'm really confused and frustrated right now.

Yesterday I tried inviting him to dinner with me and my friend but it kinda stalled out, he was asking a lot of questions and seemed really unsure. I want to talk to him one on one and see what's going on. I'm getting really tired of falling into this problem of falling for guys I can't have but that's exactly what I feel now, and the worst thing is, he was the one who started the whole bit.

I just don't know. I haven't done anything very productive all day (though it is a three day weekend thank god) and I'm hoping that going out to dinner with Maria (my visiting friend) will help me take my mind off things. We're going to a Tapas restaurant.

Enjoy the rest of your weekend and don't do anything you'll regret ;)

All the best,

JP

15 Days, 15 Facts

Yikes, it's been a while. School's ramped up and I've been terribly busy so blogging has been pushed to the back burner for the time being. Fortunately, I have found some time, so here's a little update for what's gone on in the last 15 days.

1. I got a 95 on my first Psychology exam and a 94 on my Theology exam :D

2. I had a bisexual guy come out to me; I did not expect that at all. He's terribly insecure which makes me feel so bad since he's the biggest sweetheart ever - see "Mark" in the sidebar for more details.

3. Me and Mark have been hanging out more - he admitted to me he is attracted to me, and I'm also attracted to him, we've been flirting behind closed doors.

4. Last week we kissed and shared an intimate moment for the first time (no sex) - it's the first time he's done anything with a guy, it was beautiful.

5. My friend had an ambulance called for her because she went overboard with the alcohol, it scared the shit out of me.

6. I went too far with the alcohol myself and threw up for the first time, it, along with the terrible hangover the next morning was one of the most unpleasant experiences I've ever had, and is something I do not intend to repeat for quite some time.

7. In an attempt to help resolve and mediate a roommate feud between two of my friends, I ended up mothering them too far, I was brought back into line and realized that I couldn't/shouldn't "mother", I realize this now. It the wake-up call I needed

8. I ended up mothering Mark as well, checking up on him a little too much the past weekend, I realize I went to far and should give him his space. This too was a wake-up call.

9. I turned in my first college paper, I might be getting it back tomorrow, I'm terrified.

10. It dropped below 50 degrees for the first time, plus it rained a decent amount for the first time. I laughed at the people freaking about how cold it was and also at the surprising number of rubber rainboots. I can't wait to see how they will respond to winter.

11. My friend came down from New York, we went out for dinner in DC, it was a great reunion.

12. Me and my roommate got a 32 inch LCD TV for our dorm, it looks gorgeous on our shelf, we're in the process of getting cable to complement the Xbox.

13. One of my friends thinks I'm hooking up with one of my other (girl) friends. We think this is hilarious and decided we would play along with this when the first friend is around and fall all over each other.

14. I've started watching Glee, it's not very well written but I can't stop watching

15. My Sporcle addiction is coming back, this does not bode well for my studies.


I'll try to post more if I get more time. Plus, it's been some time since this happened but I've reached 40 followers! I love you guys!

All the best,

JP