Scumbag Brain

I really need to stop having these hot sex dreams. It's actually starting to get out of hand. It's usually a guy I know and someone I can not have for one reason or another. I know it's probably the whole "wanting what you can't have" thing invading my dream sphere coupled with leaving school for the summer but it shouldn't be this often. It's happened three times in the past week already which is a lot for me considering I rarely have much in ways of memorable dreams in the first place.

Even worse is that I know I also occasionally talk in my sleep which can spell all sorts of problems. If you want a comedic interpretation of what's been going on, well, here's a good example:




The thing is that they are not really unpleasant in any way (quite the contrary if I'm totally honest), but it's just really awkward and just a tad disappointing when I wake up and realize it was, alas, just a dream.

Douchebag brain. Sometimes I truely hate what you do to me.

JP

Dreams v3.0

I knew I had woken up, but I kept my eyes shut, hoping that maybe what I had just felt, smelled, heard, tasted and saw was real and not another convoluted construct of my overly excited imagination.

It was too real. I felt, smelled and heard every breath, I felt every movement of his body with mine, I tasted his tongue and felt his lips against mine, all in that rough, passionate way only two testosterone fueled guys could do. We were in a corner of some room, there was talking in the background, maybe it was some party. It was like that Student Senate party I went to with him in January except not. There was less stress from the lack of an unhappy birthday girl, it was just raw and animalistic. I miss that. I didn't want it to end.

In my half awake state, lines between the reality of a new week and my dream world blurred, I tried desperately to cling on to what I thought was real and the light from the sun streaming through the blinds which was real. It wasn't my alarm which woke me up, no it was still too early, and when I checked my clock, indeed, I still had another hour.

Another hour to dream, lost.

If this is what my horoscope meant by "romance rocking my world", that's one cruel, cruel joke.

Curses.

Dreams v2.0

"It's nice seeing you again"

"You have no idea"

"I really missed you, you know"

"SC, you stole the words right out of my mouth"

"JP..."

"shhhh, let's just walk"

The day was coming to an end, the sky, a vivid orange and the air still warm from another summer's day. The trail followed the contours of a slow moving river, trees line the coast.

"How has life been treating you JP? College treating you well?"

"It's been pretty good, quieter than I thought it was going to be"

"Hah, well you're still alive I see so that must be good"

"SC, I still don't know why I can't get you out of my head"

The ground became looser, small rocks studded the trail, crunching slightly with each of our steps.

"JP, come here"

he puts his arm around my waist, I do the same. It felt so good to be so close to him, his body next to mine. We continue to walk in unison, over small hills, wandering in and out of the shade, everything still bathed in a orange light.

"How's your senior year been going?"

"It's been good JP, trying to punch through it as I'm sure you knew too well"

"Crew's been good to you?"

"Yeah, things are much the same, I'm still in the same boat"

"Nice to hear that"

"Yeah"

"SC"

"yes?"

"You know this really isn't right"

"what do you mean?"

"I really don't want to get too attached, especially this close to the end of the year for you. I mean, I'm going to school here in D.C. but you said you were probably going to that school in New York. I'm really not in to that long distance e-relationship stuff"

"You know it could still work"

"I suppose but..."

"You should stop worrying so much about the future sometimes. You're the one who told me I should just enjoy...."

"enjoy the moment...."

By now we had stopped walking. for how long, I have no idea, all I know is that it's just him and me. His blue eyes still locked on to mine. He leans in stopping just short of our lips meeting. "just enjoy the moment" he whispered, and I give in. His warm lips felt so right against mine. We stood there in the tranquil setting, blissfully unaware of anything going on around us. As we stood side by side again and resumed following the beaten path along that lazy river, I felt such a high, like I'd just accomplished the greatest feat in all man kind. I knew this still wasn't how things should have been, but right at that moment I didn't care.

"So how long do you have before you head off to New York?"

"I don't know, a few weeks maybe, maybe more, maybe less"

"Too short a time per usual"
"Well JP, maybe that's all the time we need"

"SC, I want you to stay"
"That impossible"
"I know"

The sky was now getting darker. The sky was no longer orange, the sun had disappeared over the horizon and the dark blue of the quiet night was slowly sweeping over the land. We continued to walk in silence, hand in hand down the riverside trail, then the trail ended. The trail ended at a grand stairway, at the top we could hear cars, the bustle of urban life. What looked to be an office building, lights still decorating the looming grey facade peeked out over the top of the stairs.

"Race you to the top"

"You're on"

And we took off. Him on one end, me on the other, my heart began to race, my breathing deeper and faster as the scenery rushed by.

I opened my eyes. I wasn't on that trail anymore. No, I was on my couch, sprawled across its entire length staring at a white ceiling with pale streams of sunlight peeking from between the folds of the sheer white curtains. I was at home and everything came back into perspective. It was noon, I had just eaten breakfast a few hours ago and I could hear the TV quietly chattering on about the day's news in the adjacent room.

"fuck"

I whispered as I laid my head back down on the pillow.

Dreams are great things. They can transport you to new lands and places you've never imagined. Try as hard as I might, they take my deepest wants, fears, anything and everything and produce grand films in my mind, leaving me powerless to control what's going on, and leaving me confused about the boundaries between reality and imaginary when I wake. I only wish that sometimes they would be less vivid, or that I wouldn't remember them quite so well.

Maybe I should stop taking naps after breakfast

JP

*Happy Memorial Day, my prayers go to all those who have fallen in battle, and thank you to all the soldiers who defend our nation, because freedom isn't free*

Recurring Dreams

Hallelujah the semester is over!! I pushed hard until the very end and I think my work paid off. To my knowledge, I think I pulled off straight A's this quarter which bodes well for my midyear report for colleges, and while I can't technically slack off, I can finally shift up a gear. (for those not car-focused, it means I can finally slow down and worry less about school) And to top off this grand event, I get a four day weekend to cool off and tomorrow is a Jersey Shore themed 18th birthday party for two of my friends. Time to show my inner guido >:D

On a more serious note, (not really) I've been noticing some interesting trends in my nightly dreams. For the past handful of years, I've noticed that many of my dreams have taken place in the exact same location. It's some strange shopping complex, mostly indoors but with some portions outdoors with seemingly no doors or walls dividing the two. There are always people and they all seem cheerful and are all talking but never anyone I know. The place is two stories but there are no stairs or escalators and there is plenty of sunlight coming through what seem to be skylights. Like in many of my dreams, I am always running and I feel like I'm searching for something, I don't know what I'm looking for but I have that feeling. I do not feel tired despite seemingly running forever, and despite there not being any means to travel between floors, I somehow still manage to go between the upper and lower levels. Occasionally I will end up outside but never longer than what would seem to be about 30 seconds. It's quite lush outside, almost greenhouse like but without the glass greenhouse part. There is no particular spot when I wake up, but most of the time when everything goes bright my dream ends.

If you have any knowledge about dream interpretation try and enlighten me, or even if you don't what is your interpretation of this recurring dream of mine?

All the best,

JP

Standing Firm

So I decided to stand my ground in the end about my essay. Based on the support I got from you guys plus my friends and other people I asked, I decided that I thoroughly supported my claims that what I chose was a civic value and that my teacher would have to accept it the way it was and whether it's chosen to be submitted or not is his choice. I wrote a message in the email I sent back with the grammatically corrected essay explaining this and I felt good about it. I was being American through quiet protest lol.

This past weekend went by way to quickly in my opinion. Thanksgiving was a blur, as was Friday. Saturday was just a confusing mess of a day that finished with me working on college applications and today was a homework catch-up day and I partially succeeded but mostly failed. Luckily, most of the work still isn't due for a few days. I also sent out all my SAT score reports, finally finished my Senior Profile for my guidance counselor and teachers, and got about half way done with my Columbia application. If college is like the application process, I think I'd rather just live in a hut in the woods, it'll probably be less mind numbing and draining >.>

Well, calculus homework is still not done (I'm pulling a complete blank on how to do it) and I still have another act in Macbeth to read but I think I'm almost done for the day. I'm not too excited for sleep though since Matt has been working his way into my dreams again as of late. While I love these dreams, I'm also kinda upset that my mind would play such cruel tricks on me considering just how far they are from reality. *sigh* Whatever.

Have a nice week

All the best,

JP

Dreams

Standing at the end of a long hallway, I stared down to see a figure looking at me. I began walking down the long expanse of tile and concrete, the sound of my shoes filling the sterile white-walled and grey tiled space.

As I got closer, I began to jog, faster and faster until I was almost sprinting. The figure at the end of the hall slowly got clearer, it was familiar, all to familiar. His smile was unforgettable, painfully fresh in my mind.

As we reached each other, I grabbed his waist and he grabbed mine, I stared into his eyes as he stared into mine, those beautiful jewel like eyes.

Slowly we got closer and closer, the scent of his breath was intoxicating. As our lips met I felt a feeling of warmth and happiness I had never experienced before. His lips were soft, like the finest silk money could buy, they conformed perfectly to mine and mine to his. I wanted to be there forever in his arms, that one perfect moment, ours, forever.

Then, all went bright. I woke up in my bed, contorted, laying sideways across the entire length of my bed, the sheets and covers half on the floor. The sun was peeking through the small gap in my curtains and I was alone. I felt lost, he was gone, likely never to return.

Ben...