Heartbreak is something I have rarely experienced before.
To be honest, I had never gotten so emotionally invested with someone and had to break up with them, or have them break up with me until this past week. And to think, we weren't event together. Or at least, sort of.
I've been seeing this guy, let's call him Mike, for over the last year. It started as a friendship - or friends with benefits situationship to be perfectly clear. It was fun, it was lustful, it was something new and exciting.
We would hang out, grab dinner, and have some fun but we kept our feelings out of it mostly, at least until the last few months. Little did either of us know that what was for nearly a year a physical friendship slowly turned into an emotional one.
What embarassingly started as a text where I misread this guy asking me to be his boyfriend, turned out to be an admission that we both had started developing feelings for each other, and what would our future possibly look like. We had an honest conversation which turned into an emotional roller coaster of a week, and is a ride which I still feel like I may be on.
After three days of back and forth, it happened.
He asked for a break. He was becoming too emotionally invested, and through my own secrecy and discomfort of revealing too much about myself, I lost his trust and hurt him. I did not do this on purpose of course - I am a private person and I know, at least for now, I can't pursue a serious relationship with him. But in the process of talking through this with him, he felt like I was holding back too much, and for him to open up and pursue something more serious with me or even keep what we had before, he could not separate his feelings for me knowing that I had been holding back what he felt like was too much.
I feel like shit. I'm sad because, more than anything, I did not want to lose a friend. Yes I started developing feelings for him - he's a kind, beautiful, and smart man. We have amazing chemistry and he makes me smile, but most of all, he is a great person, and those are rare in this world.
It may sound selfish, but when I meet someone who I genuinely believe to be a good person, I want to keep them in my life. And when he told me he needs to step away from what we have and not see each other for a few months, I felt like a punch in the gut.
I respect his decision and of course will make sure to respect what he wants, but it doesn't make what happened hurt any less. It's the first time I feel like I've felt true heartbreak.
My first heartbreak at 32. Damn.
I just hope that we can and do find our way back into in each other's lives.
-JP
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