Dreams v3.0

I knew I had woken up, but I kept my eyes shut, hoping that maybe what I had just felt, smelled, heard, tasted and saw was real and not another convoluted construct of my overly excited imagination.

It was too real. I felt, smelled and heard every breath, I felt every movement of his body with mine, I tasted his tongue and felt his lips against mine, all in that rough, passionate way only two testosterone fueled guys could do. We were in a corner of some room, there was talking in the background, maybe it was some party. It was like that Student Senate party I went to with him in January except not. There was less stress from the lack of an unhappy birthday girl, it was just raw and animalistic. I miss that. I didn't want it to end.

In my half awake state, lines between the reality of a new week and my dream world blurred, I tried desperately to cling on to what I thought was real and the light from the sun streaming through the blinds which was real. It wasn't my alarm which woke me up, no it was still too early, and when I checked my clock, indeed, I still had another hour.

Another hour to dream, lost.

If this is what my horoscope meant by "romance rocking my world", that's one cruel, cruel joke.

Curses.

Rock My World

It's flattering to be hit on and being once overed by complete strangers, but only if you knew there would be some chance of reciprocation. I got once overed and hit on quite a few times last night yet all from girls. All I could do was smile and act oblivious which got tiring after a while, especially when all you notice is the hot guy across the room dancing with that rather unattractive girl and wishing you could be there instead.

I'm too shy a person to go up and ask someone to dance. I'll dance by myself hoping someone will ask me but end up just walking back with only the sunken feeling of unfulfilled desires. Yeah, it's mostly all my fault. I wish I was more extroverted.

I talked to Liz about potentially asking Glee Guy to coffee once we get back from spring break which starts next Friday. She said to try and talk to him more online and when we do see each other and once we get back just bring things up and casually ask him out. Simple enough, yet that's still something beyond my usual course of action. I'm not the fairy tale figure riding up on a white horse full of pomp and pageantry to woo the love object, I'm the love-shy semi-dorky cute guy you see but never really approach. It would be stepping outside of my comfort zone to actually ask someone out, but maybe that's something I should try. I have two weeks to figure things out at least.

Speaking of Liz, I can truthfully say I'm really grateful I met her back in the fall. She's really become one of my best friends at college and is someone I can talk about anything with. It's rare that one of friends reaches that stage but she's one of those special few.

I've gone out the last two nights so I'm spending a night in, I have a lot of readings to do so it would do me good to get some work done, listen to some music, and get a good nights rest. I also finally have volunteer position with a tutoring program. I'll be tutoring at a DC elementary school on Friday afternoons which works well since now I'll have something to do on the one weekday I don't have class. It should be pretty cool to be able to do something for the community and it's made evn better since transportation is provided and it's not too large of a time commitment.

I don't want to take up too much of your time so I'll conclude with a fun blurb from my monthly horoscope for February-

"...Romance rocks your world on the 27th and 28th. That's great -- and just what the doctor ordered"

Haha, man, that would be fun, less than two hours to go.

All the best,

JP

I wish you could feel the sting of defeat for once.

Coming Out 553 Times.

I shouldn't chase after things that I obviously cannot have. After all this time I finally realize I'm not the naive one.

You've made me realize that I need to take my own interests to heart for once. I told my mom and I told my friend Maudry this before, and it's a belief I hold close to my heart, it's okay to be selfish sometimes, it doesn't matter how happy everyone else is if you're not happy and enjoying life yourself.

It's time to move on, turn to a new page. Yes, I've said this many times before but I mean it more than ever this time around.

I've toyed with the idea of reviving my Facebook "interested in" status and having it set to "guys" after over a year of ambiguity. I should be proud of who I am, but there are so many things that simply adding one more line to my "info" section can do. I'm not out to everyone at home and I'm friends with many of my cousins on facebook. Same story applies with many of my friends from high school and middle school. If I want to find someone to date I need to increase my exposure somehow. I'm not going to whore myself out but maybe if I came out on the internet, people in the woodwork who've been guessing will have the courage to speak to me.

This all sounds like some silly teenage dream to make myself feel better, but hey, some of the greatest sucesses in history started out as mere dreams.

"Settle down I said to myself, things that come with time
Will always be better"



Joshua Radin - The Rock and the Tide


All the best,

JP

Could Be Worse, Could Be Raining

Maybe rather than looking at what I don't have, I should focus on what I do have.

I have my health, good friends and a well contructed blanket fort to protect me from the monsters that occasionally amble down the road of life.

I'm not usually an optimist but this whole "look at the bright side" deal would do me good.


"Le plus grand faible des hommes, c'est l'amour qu'ils ont de la vie"

-Molière

Lost

Everyone is trying to stay composed.

Like a sheet of false normalcy thrown over a pile of twisted metal and splintered wood

I don't know how much longer everyone's poker faces will hold out for though...





It scares me how unfamiliar my home feels to me right now

I Want to Feel Alive

I never really appreciated having no classes Friday until today. It's 72 degrees, sunny, I'm wearing flip flops and a rolled sleeve button down in February for Pete's sake.

Sitting in the dining hall writing this, I realize that maybe what I need to make my life satisfactory isn't a physical object or a person, but rather that I need to realize that I'm in control of my own life. I mean, I have been for the most part of my life after middle school but as I'm older, I've experienced more, I keep getting reminded that it's not my friends, my professors or even my family to an extent who will ultimately steer me where I go; the only person capable of doing that is me.

Last night I called my mom and everything I expected to happen fell into place. It's pretty settled now that my parents are getting divorced. Like I've said before, I'd always expected that this would come some day and indeed that day has arrived. My mom was upset and I'm going home Saturday to spend the day and also Sunday with her. She's a strong person, I've always admired that about her and I know she'll pull through this with time, all I can really do is to be a support system for her until this entire debacle sorts itself out.

For spring break me and my parents were supposed to go on a cruise, but this is no longer the case; everything has already been paid for so I'm curious as to what will happen now. Nevertheless, the loss of a one week holiday isn't what's important right now.

Its already firmly set that I'm staying with my mom and not my dad, we had always been much closer anyways. Seeing as the only thing my mom wants from my dad is that he continue to pay for my university schooling, I am looking to get a job over the summer to help out my mom so I'm less of a strain on her. I'm becoming an adult, more independent than ever before. I wish that it were under different circumstances that I had to realize all of this but I'm glad that it is at least something I am conscious of.

It's a step in the right direction.

I fully intend to have fun this weekend one way or another. My friend Christine is coming down from New York and we're hanging out tomorrow and tonight I'm seeing the theatre department's production of Sweeney Todd, followed then by the midnight show which is going to be a hilarious booze fest...hopefully.

I don't want to forget, but I do want to feel free again. I want to feel the lightness in my step, the breeze on my skin, the warmth of the sun and the the smell of life in a city, sharp and alive with energy.

All the best,

JP

Flying High

Yeah, I've got one pretty big grin on my face right now.

I want to bottle some of this feeling for later.

JP

*I promise to do a more legitimate post in the near future*

Maybe if I keep telling myself this will be a good week it will indeed be a good week.

That is how it works, right?

Love

To all you couples out there, congratulations, I wish you the very best and may your love grow to new heights on this day.

To us singles, love works in mysterious ways; it eludes us, teases us and tempts us with its siren's song, yet it can seem so hard to capture and hold in our hands. Don't be discouraged though, sometimes you just need to look in the most unexpected areas to find it, and when you do, it will be the most magical feeling in the world. All the searching, waiting and frustration will be all worth it.




Happy Valentines Day y'all.

Power

Wow it's been a while, time to catch up.

The accounting test was absolute hell; I don't think I've ever taken a test where I felt more shot down and degraded than after that test. I reviewed for days, studied with friends and took a practice test which was absolutely nothing like actual test and that was pretty much all for naught. Ugh! I ended up going to the gym afterwards with one of my friends who also took the test to release some of the anger and frustration and then had a Thirsty Thursday night in with my roommate. That helped. A lot. The case presentation the same day in contrast went pretty smoothly.

Friday was calm for the most part, I didn't do much, I went to Safeway, ran some errands, went out to dinner with some friends and then pretty much just hung out before going to bed early.

Saturday was an interesting night. I didn't do crap all day, I went to a meeting for the fashion show and then hung out with Maria who was home for the weekend. I then got dinner with my parents at a Korean barbecue place before heading back to campus. I still felt the drag of the accounting exam, case presentation and all the general work load of the week so I intended to have fun last night. I had a few friends over to my room and we pregamed going out to a party across campus held by the international affairs club and then went to the 21st birthday party of one of my friend's cousin. There were a bunch of guys there but I didn't go after any of them.

I should probably explain that I'm trying my hardest to get over Mark for once and for all; he's a guy looking for a hookup here and a quick fuck there while I'm not for the most part. How I'm trying to get over him might entail some methods that I know might not be the best or wisest in the world. Given how I characterized Mark, it might seem hypocritical then that in my state of emotional confusion, drunkenness and weekend celebratory mood I booty called a guy I hooked up with back in the fall last night. I felt uneasy for doing so but I really think if I could get some of this out of my system I would feel a little better. Well, this guy who we'll call J texted me back to meet him in his room. I showed up and his roommate was at the entrance to the dorm and knew exactly why I was there. It was awkward, haha. We talked for a second, this time me playing the "Mark" role, saying I just wanted this for fun and wasn't looking for much more, he said sure and we got to it. I felt surprisingly powerful in this whole situation; it was nice to be in control.

I don't know what's up with me and power lately but I think I have an inkling why.

not too far from what happened last night...

People keep saying how I'm so sweet and nice and perfect husband/boyfriend material yet nothing works out for me. Constantly hearing this kinda got annoying since hearing it from girls doesn't really mean anything to me apart from being just complements. I don't want to be known only as just the nice guy. Yes, I like being the nice guy and yes again, I think I am a nice guy, but that won't get me anywhere near where I want to reach. Being constantly nice and accommodating makes me feel weak in a way and probably seem weak to others as well.

A little secret I keep tucked away inside is that I'm not as innocent and sweet as I make myself to be. Behind closed doors I'm actually quite a assertive and aggressive individual willing to try almost anything once and am willing to fight for a belief until blood is drawn. It's like having two minds inhabiting the same body, one showing itself during the day and one when the sun sets. For those who only see the sunny side are missing out on half the story; it's like watching Titanic and cutting the movie before the ship hits the iceberg, you miss what is pretty much the most crucial bit to the story.

Maybe I need to let some of this hidden side show more often. The saying goes that nice guys finish last and I think that couldn't be more true in college. I've been Mr. Nice Guy for a while and probably always will be, but it's my dark side that I need to hint at more. Maybe that will get people interested and want to explore more into what I have to offer.

What's gotten into me?

JP

Stop for a Minute and Smile

It's late, I have a case presentation in business statistics in little over seven hours, I need to study for an accounting test, and I technically need to read 300+ pages of a book (not happening, sacrificial lamb of the week).

But you know what? I'm feeling surprisingly calm. I feel...content. I don't understand it, but this is one mystery I'll happily leave unsolved.

Maybe it's because my hell week is almost over; I can feel the weight already start to lift off my shoulders. After my test finishes at 9 tomorrow night I'm going to the gym, coming back, showering, and then watching a movie in my pajamas before going to bed before midnight.

Life's good. I just have to hold on to this feeling nice and tight.

Wow, maybe I can do this.

Jessie J ft. B.O.B.- Price Tag

All the best,

JP

Taking Back the Reins to My Life

I'm not going to be played like some $20 yard sale violin by someone who will likely never appreciate all I have to offer. Maybe what I needed is some kick in the ass to knock me to my senses, or maybe all I needed was to just realize that it's my life and that I shouldn't be blown around by someone like a leaf in the wind.

I know what I want in my life, and it involves someone who will treat me as well as I would treat them. Will I have to wait? Probably, and maybe this wait will be longer than I want, but I know that it'll be worth it.

My heart says yes. My mind says no. I don't know who's winning, but I feel change in the air.

Take me for who I am. I've had my fun, but everyone needs more than just some fun after a while. There's more to life than physical attraction. Unless you're willing to realize this as well, it's your loss.

I'm currently reading Plato's Symposium in ethics, and in the work there is a speech by the priestess Diotyma to Socrates. In this speech she details something called "the ladder of love". At the bottom, one is obsessed with the physical beauty of one, then of all, and eventually you realize that there is more to love and beautiful than what you can touch. Inner beauty is just as important as physical beauty, and virtue and wisdom is the ultimate manifestation of inner beauty.

Love is something that drives you to make yourself better in order to achieve happiness. I was stuck on that second rung for a while, but I realize that there is much more to love than just a pretty face, you also need to be beautiful on the inside.

Finding someone who can see that beauty inside of me is what I'm looking for now, and better yet, it's something I can take control of and mold with my own hands.

I like feeling powerful; I want it to last. I'm tired of being hurt.

JP

P.S. - yeah, I got the modeling position for the spring fashion show, now it really will be your loss if you screw up. ;)

It Happened

Mark got mono, and the birds in the trees say it was from hooking up with a guy during the later part of the past week.

Is this some God sent sign telling me to stay away from him and just say "no"? Or is this just some divinity-free consequence of his own doing?

We ran into him when he opened his door when he heard me, Liz, and my friend Anna talking in the hallway after spending a night in. He looked miserable, sick as a dog, and was unable to sleep. In that doorway, he was so...vulnerable. He's usually a symbol of power and authority, an admirable pillar of confidence and opinions; It shocked me to see him in such a pale, sickly state. Even so, in his robe and leaning against the frame of his door for support, he still was appealing. His brown eyes still cut through me like a freshly sharpened blade through butter and the softness of his features stilled showed through. I wanted him.

I need to stop lying to myself. I've fallen for him again. I tried telling myself he's bad for me, that he's not looking for a relationship and isn't into commitment. I've had three close friends it would only lead to trouble, but even that couldn't stop this from happening.

It's scary to think that months of working to get over him got undone in the span of a few days. It's like how building a sky scraper takes years, but a demolition team can bring it down in seconds. This isn't something I want to repeat; there's too much baggage that comes with it. My friends say I deserve better; I think I deserve someone who wants me just as much as I want him and Mark isn't ready for that, at least to the extent of my knowledge.

It's going to be October and November all over again. I feel it.

JP

Play the Music Low

Happy Chinese New Year everyone!

I met with the head of the LGBTQ center on campus and I'm working on getting a permanent recurring position at the center. I don’t qualify for Federal Work-Study so I won’t be paid but I will now at least have something to do and have the ability to have more of an impact on campus. Plus, I’ll be able to meet some new people as a result. The head is such a nice person, I met her during new student orientation and we chatted about classes and other things I was interested in for a while.

I talked to my friend Liz this morning over bagels and coffee about my situation with Mark and got her opinion of what I should do. I told her about Mark and me, which she already had an inkling about, and my worries that it could be October and November all over again if things go awry. She thinks that Mark’s not a committing type and is still very much “lofty” and on a guy-to-guy basis now. I definately see that point and is the reason I both her, Maria and now increasingly I think I should just end things with Mark before things have the chance to get bad, even if that does mean not even keeping it casual. I still want to be friends though. Liz and Maria don't want to see me hurt, and I really appreciate that from both of them.

After the mess at home, finding out yesterday one of my friend’s tried to commit suicide two days ago and the Mark conundrum, I need to limit the things that will weigh me down and keep me from keeping up with the fast-paced pack. I don’t know what I’ll do about Mark though, I still want to be friends but things are so shaky between us that I don’t know where I want to go. The battle between heart and mind is still raging and probably will for a while before one gives up or is ultimately defeated in some glorious fashion. In the end, I just need to keep up with my studies, that’s what matters right now.

Next week looks to be hell with two tests, a case presentation and an ethics paper all due in the span of three days. I have a feeling this weekend will be mostly work and less fun than usual. It probably will do me good since I’ve had a few very fun weekends and plus I don’t want to put on weight due to drinking, especially since I tried out to be a runway model yesterday for the Spring Fashion Show. Me and a friend both got invited to tryouts and thought it was one of the most ridiculous things ever so we went to check it out. They took a full body shot, a headshot and had us walk, me being shirtless. Haha, man, that was funny; I wish tryouts were later though so I could have hit the gym a little more beforehand. Neither of us expect a callback but I can at least check “tryout to be a model” off my bucket list.

I’ve been lacking on the musical front lately so here are two songs that have been on repeat; I’ve also updated my playlist on the sidebar if you’re interested.


Plain White T’s- Rhythm of Love


Florence + The Machine- Dog Days are Over

All the best,

JP

Everything's fine, just fine.

I'm having a hard time accepting what my mom wants to do. I learned a lot about her Sunday night, more so than probably all previously years combined. Many things that confused me now suddenly make sense, but no amount of preparation probably could have prepared me for what I learned. The 20 year gap in her life before she had me that I never knew about finally showed itself, it wasn't pretty.

If she believes she can save her marriage, more power to her. She's doing it to protect me and the family even though I think what's been done has rendered the whole situation unfixable. She said she would grant one more chance to my dad to make everything right, if that is wasted, she knows what she will have to do.

I have to see my dad and the rest of the family in two days, and like I mentioned I have to pretend everything that happened Sunday night never happened.

I'm living a lie for the next 72 hours.

I can't pretend everything is all rainbows, milk, and honey for long. It makes me sick.