Une Vie Compliquée: Coming Out 553 Times.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Coming Out 553 Times.

I shouldn't chase after things that I obviously cannot have. After all this time I finally realize I'm not the naive one.

You've made me realize that I need to take my own interests to heart for once. I told my mom and I told my friend Maudry this before, and it's a belief I hold close to my heart, it's okay to be selfish sometimes, it doesn't matter how happy everyone else is if you're not happy and enjoying life yourself.

It's time to move on, turn to a new page. Yes, I've said this many times before but I mean it more than ever this time around.

I've toyed with the idea of reviving my Facebook "interested in" status and having it set to "guys" after over a year of ambiguity. I should be proud of who I am, but there are so many things that simply adding one more line to my "info" section can do. I'm not out to everyone at home and I'm friends with many of my cousins on facebook. Same story applies with many of my friends from high school and middle school. If I want to find someone to date I need to increase my exposure somehow. I'm not going to whore myself out but maybe if I came out on the internet, people in the woodwork who've been guessing will have the courage to speak to me.

This all sounds like some silly teenage dream to make myself feel better, but hey, some of the greatest sucesses in history started out as mere dreams.

"Settle down I said to myself, things that come with time
Will always be better"

Joshua Radin - The Rock and the Tide

All the best,

JP

3 comments:

naturgesetzFebruary 22, 2011 at 6:40 PM
Are your Facebook friends the people you need/want to be out to? It sounds as if maybe there would be a better venue — maybe something irl rather than on the internet. But the line you quote is good advice.

word verification: gramp — a guy named steevo who used to be around a lot said I seemed grandfatherly in my advice. I guess this proves it. LOL
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WayneFebruary 22, 2011 at 7:43 PM
I guess the sexuality thing is a process. I'm not on FB, I guess most guys my age are a little paranoid about putting personal info out there especially with all the baggage we accumulate over the years lol. Employers quite often check websites for info on potential applicants, so I don't know if some info would work against you. I suppose 'gay' status on FB would increase your chances for meeting that guy who understands you, but would family members see this also? bfn - Wayne :)
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PierreFebruary 24, 2011 at 10:20 PM
I'm totally having this dilemma too! Ugh I have no clue either, I'm thinking it might happen after high school, im not too sure...
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Glossary

Some people I mention in this blog:

Maria - My best friend since kindergarden, I know almost everything about her and she about me. She was the first person I came out to and has been the rock ontowhich I go to when things get rocky in life. She's the only person I can actually speak completely open and frankly with. I don't know what I would do if I never met her all those years ago.

M - A girl I became friends with freshman year of high school, we've become very close friends and continue to be to this very day. We are surprisingly similar personality wise and value each other's opinion very highly. I can talk freely to M almost as much as I can with Maria. She currently attends an ivy-league university up north; I'm really glad we met all those years ago and can only imagine how my high school years would have turned out if we never met.

Miss X- Foodie, blogger, photgrapher, one of my best friends, and someone who can have a delightfully dry sense of humour. We met early on in high school and have been friends ever since. We often go on adventures accross NOVA with our little circle of friends which are occasionally recounted here on this blog.

Christine- Friends since we could barely ride half the roller coasters at theme parks, Christine is a magical being who is one of the few people I could and would talk about anything with for hours on end. She's currently spending much of her time in NYC though we still see each other very often. Her dramas sometimes make my drama seem like childsplay.

Mark -A former dorm mate, and now former crush. He came out as bi to me and Maudry one night which he has been increasingly comfortable with. He's tall, has short brown hair and used to play football. He's ambitious and looks to make a big impact in the world of Politics in the future. I have had a crush on him and we've gotten together a few times. I thought our relationship could have been something more, but in the end it will end up staying as a friendship. I hope only the best for him.

Liz - One of best friends at school. She's funny, charismatic and is someone who I can tell almost anything to. She's friends with Maudry, Mark and is part of the first floor crew who I love and frequently visited during my freshman year, we're still great friends today.

Matt - My now former love, hate, drug, everything. I met him back during my Sophomore year and the crush I developed on him that stuck for the longest time. He's tall, has brown blond hair and the rare but desirable "serious but funny" personality that makes me melt. He also has probably one of the best smiles of any guy I know. He was one of the captains of my high schools cross country team. For quite some time I've tried to end this obsession over him but everytime I seemed to make progress, I'd relapse. He's a great guy but in all liklihood he's straight.

Southern Charm (aka SC) - A guy on the crew team who had moved up from Florida during my senior year. He's charming, tall, and slim with brown slightly wavy short hair. When I first met him I got the thought that he might be gay, a thought I quickly suppressed. Since then, we had become pretty good friends. My friend Jess has a crush on SC. One evening on a car ride home, my friend Dutch told me she thought that SC might be gay, something I had repressed in my mind for months, but was pushed to the front of my mind again. He's now a freshman and is study engineering and comp sci in university.

Ben - A guy I had the pleasure of knowing for one of the best weeks of my life during a cruise over the summer. He's a bit shorter than me but was also a senior who runs cross country. We got to know each other pretty well and had many conversations during that week that I will probably never forget. He has brown hair and the most beautiful light brown eyes. I'm pretty sure he's straight but i couldn't help but get the feeling he could have been bi. He's mostly in my summer 2009 posts.

Dutch - My friend who I met during my junior year on the crew team. She's a fun great person to be around and is someone I could talk about anything with, especially during the private car rides back from practice. We both know of all the crew drama that goes on.

My Family - A network of people who I love with all my heart despite their nuances, quirks and often ridiculous practices. Apart from my mom, I haven't told anyone I'm gay and probably won't for a while. They're not ready for that and don't need the added stress.

Various Single Lettered Friends (L, T, K etc)- Friends I got too lazy to actually come up with an alias for (I gave up after five, how sad haha). They are usually someone from my close group of friends some of which I have come out to. We have a very mutually supportive relationship that fosters great bonds between us as a group.

**Names Changed to Preserve Anonymity**

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Coming Out 553 Times.

3 comments:

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