I Want to Feel Alive

I never really appreciated having no classes Friday until today. It's 72 degrees, sunny, I'm wearing flip flops and a rolled sleeve button down in February for Pete's sake.

Sitting in the dining hall writing this, I realize that maybe what I need to make my life satisfactory isn't a physical object or a person, but rather that I need to realize that I'm in control of my own life. I mean, I have been for the most part of my life after middle school but as I'm older, I've experienced more, I keep getting reminded that it's not my friends, my professors or even my family to an extent who will ultimately steer me where I go; the only person capable of doing that is me.

Last night I called my mom and everything I expected to happen fell into place. It's pretty settled now that my parents are getting divorced. Like I've said before, I'd always expected that this would come some day and indeed that day has arrived. My mom was upset and I'm going home Saturday to spend the day and also Sunday with her. She's a strong person, I've always admired that about her and I know she'll pull through this with time, all I can really do is to be a support system for her until this entire debacle sorts itself out.

For spring break me and my parents were supposed to go on a cruise, but this is no longer the case; everything has already been paid for so I'm curious as to what will happen now. Nevertheless, the loss of a one week holiday isn't what's important right now.

Its already firmly set that I'm staying with my mom and not my dad, we had always been much closer anyways. Seeing as the only thing my mom wants from my dad is that he continue to pay for my university schooling, I am looking to get a job over the summer to help out my mom so I'm less of a strain on her. I'm becoming an adult, more independent than ever before. I wish that it were under different circumstances that I had to realize all of this but I'm glad that it is at least something I am conscious of.

It's a step in the right direction.

I fully intend to have fun this weekend one way or another. My friend Christine is coming down from New York and we're hanging out tomorrow and tonight I'm seeing the theatre department's production of Sweeney Todd, followed then by the midnight show which is going to be a hilarious booze fest...hopefully.

I don't want to forget, but I do want to feel free again. I want to feel the lightness in my step, the breeze on my skin, the warmth of the sun and the the smell of life in a city, sharp and alive with energy.

All the best,

JP