You Slut.

Surprise, surprise, my Spring break plans have changed once again. As I've mentioned a few weeks ago, I was supposed to go on a cruise this week but that got canceled because of my parent's getting separated....well, apparently it's back on.

What the hell is going on? I don't even know anymore. I haven't spoken or seen my dad in about a month and my mom hadn't spoken to my dad until two days ago. He doesn't want to waste the holiday so despite how obviously awkward it's going to be I reluctantly/was guilt tripped into going. I honestly think it's a bad idea but my mom needs to get away from home and wants to take advantage of the time to talk with dad about how things are going to proceed. They've turned a Caribbean holiday into a business trip. I'll let them do what they do, maybe this will be a productive holiday for them. I hope so at least.

As for what I'm going to do? Well, I've been granted an unprecedented level of freedom by my mom to spend time on the ship as I please. She doesn't want me to have to deal with the inevitable drama so she said I should go off and do whatever and try to enjoy myself...whatever that means. We are still staying in the same room and we're probably going to eat together for dinner and such but otherwise I'm going to preoccupy myself with the GT of the GTL the Jersey Shore has made so popular, in addition to other things. I'm still modeling for the Spring fashion show so the gym will be my best friend for the week but I also need to socialize.

It is Spring break for many schools in the US so there will be plenty of college aged people on board so I need to make sure to make an effort to meet and talk to them. There's a club on board and the casino where I can probably meet a bunch of people so as long as I don't become too engrossed in not being awkward and thus come across as too shy, I think I should be fine. I've met some amazing people on cruises before so hopefully this will be repeated this time 'round as well.

Spring break also brings up another thing I'm looking forward too, guys, and lots of them. Yes, I do intend to scope out some guys to get together with during my holiday, and yes, I am going to let loose and have some fun over the course of the week. I don't want to completely whore myself out, but Spring break is supposed to be fun and getting some is part of that. I don't have much in ways of work and when there are so many possibilities to meet guys I'm going to milk it for all its got.

God, I sound like a slut ;)

Speaking of milking things for all they've got...I'm still not on good terms with my dad but in keeping with the spirit of a no-holds-barred Spring break, I plan to take advantage of my dad's credit card and try my hand at blackjack, poker, drinks on shore and jet skiing. It sounds like I'm taking advantage of the situation (and I sorta am to be honest) but at this point, I don't care as much as I probably should. To give you another idea about this weird relationship I have with my dad right now, I've talked to my mom about getting a job at the local Wegmans this summer and since we both need a car, she told me to talk my dad into buying me one. Essentially she said he has the money, use it while you can. It's very passive aggressive and back handed in all honesty. If that gives you a flavour about what the relationship between me, my mom and my dad have right now you can only imagine what the overall situation is like.

Well, we'll see how this week turns out. I'm going to try to have fun and if I get some Internet access I'll do some updates and hopefully some photos for you guys as well.

Smooth seas ahead captain...I hope.

JP

I Want to Feel Alive

I never really appreciated having no classes Friday until today. It's 72 degrees, sunny, I'm wearing flip flops and a rolled sleeve button down in February for Pete's sake.

Sitting in the dining hall writing this, I realize that maybe what I need to make my life satisfactory isn't a physical object or a person, but rather that I need to realize that I'm in control of my own life. I mean, I have been for the most part of my life after middle school but as I'm older, I've experienced more, I keep getting reminded that it's not my friends, my professors or even my family to an extent who will ultimately steer me where I go; the only person capable of doing that is me.

Last night I called my mom and everything I expected to happen fell into place. It's pretty settled now that my parents are getting divorced. Like I've said before, I'd always expected that this would come some day and indeed that day has arrived. My mom was upset and I'm going home Saturday to spend the day and also Sunday with her. She's a strong person, I've always admired that about her and I know she'll pull through this with time, all I can really do is to be a support system for her until this entire debacle sorts itself out.

For spring break me and my parents were supposed to go on a cruise, but this is no longer the case; everything has already been paid for so I'm curious as to what will happen now. Nevertheless, the loss of a one week holiday isn't what's important right now.

Its already firmly set that I'm staying with my mom and not my dad, we had always been much closer anyways. Seeing as the only thing my mom wants from my dad is that he continue to pay for my university schooling, I am looking to get a job over the summer to help out my mom so I'm less of a strain on her. I'm becoming an adult, more independent than ever before. I wish that it were under different circumstances that I had to realize all of this but I'm glad that it is at least something I am conscious of.

It's a step in the right direction.

I fully intend to have fun this weekend one way or another. My friend Christine is coming down from New York and we're hanging out tomorrow and tonight I'm seeing the theatre department's production of Sweeney Todd, followed then by the midnight show which is going to be a hilarious booze fest...hopefully.

I don't want to forget, but I do want to feel free again. I want to feel the lightness in my step, the breeze on my skin, the warmth of the sun and the the smell of life in a city, sharp and alive with energy.

All the best,

JP

The Brothers I Never Had

“Hey Man”
-“What’s up? Do you know where we’re sitting?” I said
“Yeah, I think we’re sitting here”

I was surrounded by people who I haven’t seen since the summer yet the scene felt too familiar. Maybe it’s because I only ever see them when we’re out to dinner. In front of me are family friends I have to call my aunts and uncles and to either side my eerily similar cousins, seemingly meant-to-be brothers that have to make due with an entire branch of the family tree shoved between them. They’re older than me, have lives of their own, jobs, nice cars...they’re where my parent’s expect me to be in ten years.

My cousins Mike and Jay begin talking about computers as food starts coming out of the kitchen. I don’t really give a damn about overclocking this or 9 terabytes of memory that, I’ve learned to just filter out that fluff. I began to take a sip of tea.

“Dude, do you live on campus?”
-“Huh?... Yeah, you and Mike didn’t though right? You went to school near home”
“Yup, how many roommates do you have”
-“Just one” I said as I picked at the roast duck on my plate
“Are the floors co-ed?”
-“Yeah”
“Damn, that’s some awesome shit right there, so do the girls live in the same hall as you?”
-“No, I live in an all-guys branch”
“Damn that sucks, are any of them hot? The girls I mean”
-“uhhh, I guess” I was sliding around a scallion on my plate, trying desperately to avoid eye contact.

I realized then that the next two hours weren’t going to be the casual dinner I had hoped tonight would be. To the rest of my family, and especially my cousins, I will always be the baby, the youngest not only of my generation but of the entire family. I’m like a toy, something to be played around with, questions, questions everywhere, “what classes are you taking?” “Are you eating well?” “Do you have a girlfriend?’

“Wait, do you have a girlfriend?” inquired Mike

My body stiffened

-“haha, no” I said quietly
“Mike, I think he’s hiding something”

I coughed as an icy feeling consumed my body in an instant

-“what?”
“I think you’re right, Jay”
“JP, have you had sex yet?”
-“I guess not”

At that point the soup course came out, I was relieved beyond reason that the conversation would have a break. For a not so brief moment I was afraid they had figured out my secret. Ironically, the most liberal members of my family are among the last people I want to find out that I’m gay. Jay’s the sex crazed party boy while Mike’s well, Mike. I’m closer to him than any of my other cousins. They’re cool guys and I’m sure even if I did come out to them they’d be fine with it but I’m not taking any chances; they’re the brothers I never had.

“Dude, don’t worry about it, be picky with your first, I didn’t fuck until I was 21, after that, the floodgates opened” Jay said with a laugh.

I hoped that wasn't a double entendre.

“JP, you have a ton of girls all over your Facebook page though”
-“Yeah, most of them are friends I’ve known for years”
“Best place to start, they have friends and stuff, they can guide their friends your way, they know you. You should use them, they can’t all be in a relationship”

I was scraping the bottom of my bowl for imaginary broth at this point. I felt like I was watching a table tennis match, except I was the ball, volleyed in conversation between two 28 year olds who are trying to get their little cousin laid. Uncomfortable doesn’t begin to describe it.

-“Haha, I think I can manage my own love life”

Lie.

“Don’t be shy man, at a place like your school there are tons of hot chicks; you’re lucky you get to live on campus”

The next round of food rolled out and thankfully if there is one thing Asian families are even more skilled at than prying that would be eating. It’s been less than an hour since we got to the restaurant but it’s felt like days. The conversations changed topic for the time being, my aunts and uncles began to grill my cousins about their own love lives. “When are you going to get married?”, “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”, “You’re not even trying”, “We want grandchildren”.

Ah, the request that always works its way into family dinners. One good thing about being the young one is that I can dodge this question for the time being, my 28 year old cousins on the other hand, not so much. Jay, the party boy who just spent $500 to restock his bar just wants to have fun and enjoy his twenties, or what remains of it, and Mike’s just not ready yet. I think he enjoys being single.

In a few years I’ll probably will be posed with that same question as increasingly elderly relatives begin to pester me about my lack of a girlfriend. “You’re not even trying” “We want more grandchildren”

“So what do you do on campus in your spare time”
-“I try to go to the gym at least every other day, I can get you in to the complex if you want, they’re family passes”
“Dude, sick, can you do Wednesday? I can find tons of girls for you at the gym”

My eyes rolled

-“I’ll check my schedule, just text me”

My mom calls for us to come over at from the next table. The three of us begin the short walk over when I’m gestured over to Jay.

“Hey, look at the table over there, there are tons of girls you could date”

Would you know it, there were quite a few very pretty Asian girls at the table over at their own party. I think it was a practice wedding reception. They had a photographer. I just nodded in recognition avoiding prolonging the conversation; it worked.

A single candle was lit and we began to sing in the disjointed, out of tune way only a Chinese family can do.

Happy 60th birthday Auntie, may there be many more to come.

Meet the Family

Meet the Family

JP’s Mom – Ah my mom, best friend in the world. According to my friends she’s one of the sweetest moms they know and I wholeheartedly agree. I really don’t know what I would do without her. When I came out to her she took it kinda hard, there was a long awkward period which culminated with a long, teary heart to heart. To this day, things are getting better, I think she might be finally getting that me being gay isn’t a choice but then again, I’m not positive either. She’s the only one in my family who I’ve come out to.

JP’s Dad – I have an interesting relationship with my dad. Admittedly not as close of a relationship with my mom but I still love him nonetheless. We argue from time to time and I’m often rather snarky with him but we rarely have a fallout. He can get rather moody for the strangest reasons and he’s a secretive person. There are a surprising number of things I don’t know about my dad and his personal dealings but I just see those as a part of everyday life. I don’t think he would take it well if I came out to him.

Extended Family

Cousin N. – A fun loving workhorse of a guy. He’s really into technology but isn’t outwardly nerdy. I have a strong relationship with him and he’s always been there for me when I needed help for anything. He’s surprisingly naïve about many things about life like the specs of his own car. Apart from computers, as long as it works, he’s not going to ask any questions. He loves Abercrombie and Fitch and to be taken care of by his mom.

Cousin J. – The brilliant but foul mouthed jokester. He’s done very well for himself and enjoys the finer things in life. He loves to party, gamble, and drink. He also loves to pamper his mom though which I admire, recently hosting a $2000+ banquet room dinner for her, the family and some friends. He’s the definitive Asian “Bro” and playboy, and definitely the most so of anyone in the family.

Cousin D. – Kinda the awkward duck of this generation of family. We used to hang out a ton when I was little but since then we’ve grown apart as he’s become more recluse. He loves his video games as is a big papa’s boy. I’m 90% he’s never been in a relationship (he’s older than me) and is so awkward around girls it’s funny in a depressing kind of way. He’s really kind though.

Cousin A. – When I was little I never had much of a relationship with him, much less so than the other cousins, but this has changed in recent years. We often vacation together as we often bring him and my aunt with us whenever we travel. We have surprisingly similar personalities. We both have a semi dry sense of humour but love to laugh nonetheless and we are both very competitive. He too likes the finer things in life and has done with himself. We hang out a lot when on holiday, he’s a cool guy.

Aunt H. – Cousin N’s mom, she’s the aunt I have the most contact with. Actually, I see her almost every day since she helps with taking care of my elderly grandpa. She’s the sweetest person ever. She has worked hard all her life but she has done it all with a smile. She and the rest of my aunts and uncles on my mom’s side are really close, which comes with being part of a family of six kids I reckon. She tries to speak English with me and I reciprocate with Chinese, it’s mutually beneficial.

Aunt C. – The oddball of the family. Cousin A’s mom, she doesn’t seem to have lost her FOB-ness despite moving here ages ago with my dad. She thinks everything is dangerous (riding a bike, roller coasters etc), is blissfully unaware of her surroundings, and doesn’t know how to tip at a restaurant ($90 check? $5 will do, Lord have mercy!). Nevertheless, she means well.

Uncle Y. – Recently deceased after a battle with cancer, he’s a prime case of someone you never truly appreciated enough until they’re gone. He would come over a least once a week and eat with us for dinner. He lived alone in a condo he viewed as his prized treasure, he was so proud when he finished renovating the place just a few months ago. He was kinda weird as most uncles tend to be but he had a huge heart and always put someone’s needs else before his own. He was married and had a child but after a divorce, he hadn’t seen his kid, I don’t even know if the kid (who is older than me) even knows who his father even was.

Extended-extended family

Maxwell-Carnegie (aka Max) – Our adopted family Jack Russell Terrier. A lazy bum of a supposedly hyperactive breed which is probably for the better. We got him when he was three, he’s a good bit older now. He’s a sweet little dog but has frequent mischievous bouts. He likes to steal unattended to food on the table and loves to hide under beds. He acts tough around other dogs but is the biggest wimp when the first sign of a storm arrives, shaking uncontrollably in the most pathetic, sympathy inducing way. He likes to hide under beds when he is scared but also for no particular reason at all sometimes. His favorite activities include eating, sleeping on his pillow and rides in the car. I’ll really miss him in college.

There are many more members in my family but that would take way too long. These are just some of the most influential people in my life and helped mold me into the person I am today.

I love my family

JP

Thoughts

I'm tired of hiding who I really am, who I am from my friends and more importantly my family. Ever since I first came out to my friends Maria for the first time back on July 22, 2008, I've slowly come out to more of my friends and fortunately most of them have taken it very well, some surprised, some not. I've come out in front of grocery stores, during AP Chem Lab write ups and once at an FBLA competition, but I digress. It feels great to come out and let some of my friends know who I really am and not just me with a mask that I've worn for way to long. But there is still one thing I have yet to do, something that I've known that must happen eventually but have put off due to fear and too many other reasons and excuses, and that is coming out to my family.

I've come to realize that coming out to my family will probably be one of the most difficult things I will ever have to do in my life. Their little boy, someone who they have raised turning out to be gay. I've found help with my situation form the many other blogs I read and follow like Jason Carwin's blog which I feel is one every gay teenager should be reading as it's one of the best written blogs on the web. I'm embarking tomorrow on a cruise that will last one week and I'm hesitant to say this but I want to take at least a first step towards coming out to my family. When i say first step, I don't mean hinting or the like, but I really want to tell at least one person in my family the little but heavy secret I've been carrying now for nearly 17 years.

But now, the question is, who should this be? my mom? my dad? maybe even my cousin who's closer to my age. My mom and I have shared a very close relationship for as long as I remember, we often have little talks in the evening, about random things and like how our days have gone and recent events in the news. We don't really discuss issues pertaining to gay life or news, but she doesn't oppose gays and has stated that she believes that people should be able to live they way they want to which I hope is a good sign. I even believe she might suspect that I might be gay but is just not taking any action and letting me take this whole process at my own pace but I'm not positive of this fact.

My dad is another story and will be hardest person for me to come out to. He isn't what I would call overly traditional but he has some firm beliefs that he adheres to. Unlike my mom, I really doubt he knows or even suspects that I might be gay. He has never expressed any beliefs that outright oppose gay rights or really the gay lifestyle but I haven't seen him outright support them either. But the main thing I'm just worried about, terrified about is how he would react, while I'm not as close with him as my mom, he's still extremely important in my life and need him there like anyone in my family.

The rest of my family is a mish-mosh of folks, many who don't speak fluent English and i doubt carry too much opinion either way in the gay right or gay life debate, I probably will save them for later after I come out to at least one of my parents and maybe some more friends. On the subject of friends, they too are a mish-mosh of people. Like many people, there is the inner circle who I haven known for quite some time and I hold closer to my heart than others and then there other friends who are not quite as close but still are important to me. In this group, there are those on both extremes, I have a few gay friends and I also have friends who I've learned do not exactly carry the most favourable view of gays that I have uncovered over the years. As I will be a senior next year, if I do come out the word will spread fast, high school isn't very well known for secrets being kept quiet for long periods of time, but I'll tackle this later on and go further in depth in a another post.

So I feel that I've reached a point in my life where I feel that secrets, or at least this one should no longer be hidden away. I know this will be a long and possibly difficult process but in the end, I'll have to go through it eventually and I shouldn't keep ignoring this and pushing this aside.

-Finally this will likely be my last post for at least a week because while the ship has internet, paying 55 cents a minute or $28 an hour is rather steep and I doubt my dad will appreciate having this all put onto his credit card in the end haha.

Freedom of the Seas, my home for one week.

FlowRider - if I suddenly have the guts or a burst of spontaneity.