Coming Out to My Mom

I really shouldn't be blogging when I have so much work to do but I feel this is worth my time and worth sharing. Today I did something I had been too afraid to do for far too long. This afternoon, I came out to my mom. Let me backtrack a little first, I had been trying to think of some way to come out to her for quite some time, for weeks in fact and with my dad out of town, this week seemed to me like a good time to finally do so. I pondered how I would do it, would I just tell her, would I write a letter, or perhaps some other way. In the end, my decision to come out this evening was completely a spontaneous decision I made after waking up form a short nap. As to why I woke and suddenly decided I didn't want to hide my true self from someone who knows me better than anyone else in the world I do not know (maybe it involved the yogurt I ate this afternoon?)but it ended up going down like this- In the end, I realized that if I were to tell my mom outright in conversation, I would stumble my words so much that the message would become simply too complex and she might not get it, making things 10x more difficult in the long run. Who knew two little words could be so hard to say? I decided then to simply write a letter. Written simply on a piece of loose leaf with blue ink, I explained how all I wanted was her acceptance and love and that nothing would change, I was still her son and she was still my mom and that I loved her and hoped she would still feel the same way back (expand that one one page written and in much more eloquent fashion and you'll get the idea.) I placed the letter on the bathroom counter for her to find when she got home and then waited for the longest 15 minutes of my entire life.

I ended up going out and getting the mail after waiting for 10 minutes and lo and behold, my mom arrives home just as I am making my way back from the mailbox. How I didn't just collapse then and there I don't know but we chatted on the way inside and I quietly went back to working on homework while she went upstairs to change. After spending twice as long upstairs as she normally does, she finally comes down. I'm still at my computer typing up a French essay when she comes over a gives me a big kiss and a giant hug. She explained that of course she loves me and always will and that we could talk about it more later on, I began to cry a little and we had a night heart to heart moment right then and there. I ended up going for a walk by myself around the neighborhood afterwards to collect my thoughts but immediately I knew this was probably one of the best decisions of my life. I felt like a massive boulder had finally been lifted from my back and that I could literally walk on forever.

I feel so fortunate to have a mother who is so loving, caring and accepting like she is. I know that things might not return to exact normal for a little while but it was well worth it to finally let someone in my family know. I wouldn't want anyone else to be my mother.

Thoughts

I'm tired of hiding who I really am, who I am from my friends and more importantly my family. Ever since I first came out to my friends Maria for the first time back on July 22, 2008, I've slowly come out to more of my friends and fortunately most of them have taken it very well, some surprised, some not. I've come out in front of grocery stores, during AP Chem Lab write ups and once at an FBLA competition, but I digress. It feels great to come out and let some of my friends know who I really am and not just me with a mask that I've worn for way to long. But there is still one thing I have yet to do, something that I've known that must happen eventually but have put off due to fear and too many other reasons and excuses, and that is coming out to my family.

I've come to realize that coming out to my family will probably be one of the most difficult things I will ever have to do in my life. Their little boy, someone who they have raised turning out to be gay. I've found help with my situation form the many other blogs I read and follow like Jason Carwin's blog which I feel is one every gay teenager should be reading as it's one of the best written blogs on the web. I'm embarking tomorrow on a cruise that will last one week and I'm hesitant to say this but I want to take at least a first step towards coming out to my family. When i say first step, I don't mean hinting or the like, but I really want to tell at least one person in my family the little but heavy secret I've been carrying now for nearly 17 years.

But now, the question is, who should this be? my mom? my dad? maybe even my cousin who's closer to my age. My mom and I have shared a very close relationship for as long as I remember, we often have little talks in the evening, about random things and like how our days have gone and recent events in the news. We don't really discuss issues pertaining to gay life or news, but she doesn't oppose gays and has stated that she believes that people should be able to live they way they want to which I hope is a good sign. I even believe she might suspect that I might be gay but is just not taking any action and letting me take this whole process at my own pace but I'm not positive of this fact.

My dad is another story and will be hardest person for me to come out to. He isn't what I would call overly traditional but he has some firm beliefs that he adheres to. Unlike my mom, I really doubt he knows or even suspects that I might be gay. He has never expressed any beliefs that outright oppose gay rights or really the gay lifestyle but I haven't seen him outright support them either. But the main thing I'm just worried about, terrified about is how he would react, while I'm not as close with him as my mom, he's still extremely important in my life and need him there like anyone in my family.

The rest of my family is a mish-mosh of folks, many who don't speak fluent English and i doubt carry too much opinion either way in the gay right or gay life debate, I probably will save them for later after I come out to at least one of my parents and maybe some more friends. On the subject of friends, they too are a mish-mosh of people. Like many people, there is the inner circle who I haven known for quite some time and I hold closer to my heart than others and then there other friends who are not quite as close but still are important to me. In this group, there are those on both extremes, I have a few gay friends and I also have friends who I've learned do not exactly carry the most favourable view of gays that I have uncovered over the years. As I will be a senior next year, if I do come out the word will spread fast, high school isn't very well known for secrets being kept quiet for long periods of time, but I'll tackle this later on and go further in depth in a another post.

So I feel that I've reached a point in my life where I feel that secrets, or at least this one should no longer be hidden away. I know this will be a long and possibly difficult process but in the end, I'll have to go through it eventually and I shouldn't keep ignoring this and pushing this aside.

-Finally this will likely be my last post for at least a week because while the ship has internet, paying 55 cents a minute or $28 an hour is rather steep and I doubt my dad will appreciate having this all put onto his credit card in the end haha.

Freedom of the Seas, my home for one week.

FlowRider - if I suddenly have the guts or a burst of spontaneity.