The Brothers I Never Had

“Hey Man”
-“What’s up? Do you know where we’re sitting?” I said
“Yeah, I think we’re sitting here”

I was surrounded by people who I haven’t seen since the summer yet the scene felt too familiar. Maybe it’s because I only ever see them when we’re out to dinner. In front of me are family friends I have to call my aunts and uncles and to either side my eerily similar cousins, seemingly meant-to-be brothers that have to make due with an entire branch of the family tree shoved between them. They’re older than me, have lives of their own, jobs, nice cars...they’re where my parent’s expect me to be in ten years.

My cousins Mike and Jay begin talking about computers as food starts coming out of the kitchen. I don’t really give a damn about overclocking this or 9 terabytes of memory that, I’ve learned to just filter out that fluff. I began to take a sip of tea.

“Dude, do you live on campus?”
-“Huh?... Yeah, you and Mike didn’t though right? You went to school near home”
“Yup, how many roommates do you have”
-“Just one” I said as I picked at the roast duck on my plate
“Are the floors co-ed?”
-“Yeah”
“Damn, that’s some awesome shit right there, so do the girls live in the same hall as you?”
-“No, I live in an all-guys branch”
“Damn that sucks, are any of them hot? The girls I mean”
-“uhhh, I guess” I was sliding around a scallion on my plate, trying desperately to avoid eye contact.

I realized then that the next two hours weren’t going to be the casual dinner I had hoped tonight would be. To the rest of my family, and especially my cousins, I will always be the baby, the youngest not only of my generation but of the entire family. I’m like a toy, something to be played around with, questions, questions everywhere, “what classes are you taking?” “Are you eating well?” “Do you have a girlfriend?’

“Wait, do you have a girlfriend?” inquired Mike

My body stiffened

-“haha, no” I said quietly
“Mike, I think he’s hiding something”

I coughed as an icy feeling consumed my body in an instant

-“what?”
“I think you’re right, Jay”
“JP, have you had sex yet?”
-“I guess not”

At that point the soup course came out, I was relieved beyond reason that the conversation would have a break. For a not so brief moment I was afraid they had figured out my secret. Ironically, the most liberal members of my family are among the last people I want to find out that I’m gay. Jay’s the sex crazed party boy while Mike’s well, Mike. I’m closer to him than any of my other cousins. They’re cool guys and I’m sure even if I did come out to them they’d be fine with it but I’m not taking any chances; they’re the brothers I never had.

“Dude, don’t worry about it, be picky with your first, I didn’t fuck until I was 21, after that, the floodgates opened” Jay said with a laugh.

I hoped that wasn't a double entendre.

“JP, you have a ton of girls all over your Facebook page though”
-“Yeah, most of them are friends I’ve known for years”
“Best place to start, they have friends and stuff, they can guide their friends your way, they know you. You should use them, they can’t all be in a relationship”

I was scraping the bottom of my bowl for imaginary broth at this point. I felt like I was watching a table tennis match, except I was the ball, volleyed in conversation between two 28 year olds who are trying to get their little cousin laid. Uncomfortable doesn’t begin to describe it.

-“Haha, I think I can manage my own love life”

Lie.

“Don’t be shy man, at a place like your school there are tons of hot chicks; you’re lucky you get to live on campus”

The next round of food rolled out and thankfully if there is one thing Asian families are even more skilled at than prying that would be eating. It’s been less than an hour since we got to the restaurant but it’s felt like days. The conversations changed topic for the time being, my aunts and uncles began to grill my cousins about their own love lives. “When are you going to get married?”, “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”, “You’re not even trying”, “We want grandchildren”.

Ah, the request that always works its way into family dinners. One good thing about being the young one is that I can dodge this question for the time being, my 28 year old cousins on the other hand, not so much. Jay, the party boy who just spent $500 to restock his bar just wants to have fun and enjoy his twenties, or what remains of it, and Mike’s just not ready yet. I think he enjoys being single.

In a few years I’ll probably will be posed with that same question as increasingly elderly relatives begin to pester me about my lack of a girlfriend. “You’re not even trying” “We want more grandchildren”

“So what do you do on campus in your spare time”
-“I try to go to the gym at least every other day, I can get you in to the complex if you want, they’re family passes”
“Dude, sick, can you do Wednesday? I can find tons of girls for you at the gym”

My eyes rolled

-“I’ll check my schedule, just text me”

My mom calls for us to come over at from the next table. The three of us begin the short walk over when I’m gestured over to Jay.

“Hey, look at the table over there, there are tons of girls you could date”

Would you know it, there were quite a few very pretty Asian girls at the table over at their own party. I think it was a practice wedding reception. They had a photographer. I just nodded in recognition avoiding prolonging the conversation; it worked.

A single candle was lit and we began to sing in the disjointed, out of tune way only a Chinese family can do.

Happy 60th birthday Auntie, may there be many more to come.