Une Vie Compliquée: Taking Back the Reins to My Life

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Taking Back the Reins to My Life

I'm not going to be played like some $20 yard sale violin by someone who will likely never appreciate all I have to offer. Maybe what I needed is some kick in the ass to knock me to my senses, or maybe all I needed was to just realize that it's my life and that I shouldn't be blown around by someone like a leaf in the wind.

I know what I want in my life, and it involves someone who will treat me as well as I would treat them. Will I have to wait? Probably, and maybe this wait will be longer than I want, but I know that it'll be worth it.

My heart says yes. My mind says no. I don't know who's winning, but I feel change in the air.

Take me for who I am. I've had my fun, but everyone needs more than just some fun after a while. There's more to life than physical attraction. Unless you're willing to realize this as well, it's your loss.

I'm currently reading Plato's Symposium in ethics, and in the work there is a speech by the priestess Diotyma to Socrates. In this speech she details something called "the ladder of love". At the bottom, one is obsessed with the physical beauty of one, then of all, and eventually you realize that there is more to love and beautiful than what you can touch. Inner beauty is just as important as physical beauty, and virtue and wisdom is the ultimate manifestation of inner beauty.

Love is something that drives you to make yourself better in order to achieve happiness. I was stuck on that second rung for a while, but I realize that there is much more to love than just a pretty face, you also need to be beautiful on the inside.

Finding someone who can see that beauty inside of me is what I'm looking for now, and better yet, it's something I can take control of and mold with my own hands.

I like feeling powerful; I want it to last. I'm tired of being hurt.

JP

P.S. - yeah, I got the modeling position for the spring fashion show, now it really will be your loss if you screw up. ;)

2 comments:

naturgesetzFebruary 8, 2011 at 8:01 AM
"There's more to life than physical attraction."

Yay!

The ancient Greek philosophers had some important things pretty well figured out.
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WayneFebruary 8, 2011 at 9:24 AM
Sometimes sex is like the jungle; beautiful but cruel and vicious at the same time. Friendship and sex are steps one must take before loyalty and honesty are firmly established. You are looking for a deeper friendship and sometimes that takes time, but the sex drive usually wins over your mind; as the religious people say, 'the flesh is weak'. Get out there and circulate where there are some gay guy possibilities, swimming and the gym come to mind, maybe even the library. I know what you mean, there is nothing better than that close friend/lover in whom you can confide. You want someone who is not shallow. bfn - Wayne :)
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Glossary

Some people I mention in this blog:

Maria - My best friend since kindergarden, I know almost everything about her and she about me. She was the first person I came out to and has been the rock ontowhich I go to when things get rocky in life. She's the only person I can actually speak completely open and frankly with. I don't know what I would do if I never met her all those years ago.

M - A girl I became friends with freshman year of high school, we've become very close friends and continue to be to this very day. We are surprisingly similar personality wise and value each other's opinion very highly. I can talk freely to M almost as much as I can with Maria. She currently attends an ivy-league university up north; I'm really glad we met all those years ago and can only imagine how my high school years would have turned out if we never met.

Miss X- Foodie, blogger, photgrapher, one of my best friends, and someone who can have a delightfully dry sense of humour. We met early on in high school and have been friends ever since. We often go on adventures accross NOVA with our little circle of friends which are occasionally recounted here on this blog.

Christine- Friends since we could barely ride half the roller coasters at theme parks, Christine is a magical being who is one of the few people I could and would talk about anything with for hours on end. She's currently spending much of her time in NYC though we still see each other very often. Her dramas sometimes make my drama seem like childsplay.

Mark -A former dorm mate, and now former crush. He came out as bi to me and Maudry one night which he has been increasingly comfortable with. He's tall, has short brown hair and used to play football. He's ambitious and looks to make a big impact in the world of Politics in the future. I have had a crush on him and we've gotten together a few times. I thought our relationship could have been something more, but in the end it will end up staying as a friendship. I hope only the best for him.

Liz - One of best friends at school. She's funny, charismatic and is someone who I can tell almost anything to. She's friends with Maudry, Mark and is part of the first floor crew who I love and frequently visited during my freshman year, we're still great friends today.

Matt - My now former love, hate, drug, everything. I met him back during my Sophomore year and the crush I developed on him that stuck for the longest time. He's tall, has brown blond hair and the rare but desirable "serious but funny" personality that makes me melt. He also has probably one of the best smiles of any guy I know. He was one of the captains of my high schools cross country team. For quite some time I've tried to end this obsession over him but everytime I seemed to make progress, I'd relapse. He's a great guy but in all liklihood he's straight.

Southern Charm (aka SC) - A guy on the crew team who had moved up from Florida during my senior year. He's charming, tall, and slim with brown slightly wavy short hair. When I first met him I got the thought that he might be gay, a thought I quickly suppressed. Since then, we had become pretty good friends. My friend Jess has a crush on SC. One evening on a car ride home, my friend Dutch told me she thought that SC might be gay, something I had repressed in my mind for months, but was pushed to the front of my mind again. He's now a freshman and is study engineering and comp sci in university.

Ben - A guy I had the pleasure of knowing for one of the best weeks of my life during a cruise over the summer. He's a bit shorter than me but was also a senior who runs cross country. We got to know each other pretty well and had many conversations during that week that I will probably never forget. He has brown hair and the most beautiful light brown eyes. I'm pretty sure he's straight but i couldn't help but get the feeling he could have been bi. He's mostly in my summer 2009 posts.

Dutch - My friend who I met during my junior year on the crew team. She's a fun great person to be around and is someone I could talk about anything with, especially during the private car rides back from practice. We both know of all the crew drama that goes on.

My Family - A network of people who I love with all my heart despite their nuances, quirks and often ridiculous practices. Apart from my mom, I haven't told anyone I'm gay and probably won't for a while. They're not ready for that and don't need the added stress.

Various Single Lettered Friends (L, T, K etc)- Friends I got too lazy to actually come up with an alias for (I gave up after five, how sad haha). They are usually someone from my close group of friends some of which I have come out to. We have a very mutually supportive relationship that fosters great bonds between us as a group.

**Names Changed to Preserve Anonymity**

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Taking Back the Reins to My Life

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