The accounting test was absolute hell; I don't think I've ever taken a test where I felt more shot down and degraded than after that test. I reviewed for days, studied with friends and took a practice test which was absolutely nothing like actual test and that was pretty much all for naught. Ugh! I ended up going to the gym afterwards with one of my friends who also took the test to release some of the anger and frustration and then had a Thirsty Thursday night in with my roommate. That helped. A lot. The case presentation the same day in contrast went pretty smoothly.
Friday was calm for the most part, I didn't do much, I went to Safeway, ran some errands, went out to dinner with some friends and then pretty much just hung out before going to bed early.
Saturday was an interesting night. I didn't do crap all day, I went to a meeting for the fashion show and then hung out with Maria who was home for the weekend. I then got dinner with my parents at a Korean barbecue place before heading back to campus. I still felt the drag of the accounting exam, case presentation and all the general work load of the week so I intended to have fun last night. I had a few friends over to my room and we pregamed going out to a party across campus held by the international affairs club and then went to the 21st birthday party of one of my friend's cousin. There were a bunch of guys there but I didn't go after any of them.
I should probably explain that I'm trying my hardest to get over Mark for once and for all; he's a guy looking for a hookup here and a quick fuck there while I'm not for the most part. How I'm trying to get over him might entail some methods that I know might not be the best or wisest in the world. Given how I characterized Mark, it might seem hypocritical then that in my state of emotional confusion, drunkenness and weekend celebratory mood I booty called a guy I hooked up with back in the fall last night. I felt uneasy for doing so but I really think if I could get some of this out of my system I would feel a little better. Well, this guy who we'll call J texted me back to meet him in his room. I showed up and his roommate was at the entrance to the dorm and knew exactly why I was there. It was awkward, haha. We talked for a second, this time me playing the "Mark" role, saying I just wanted this for fun and wasn't looking for much more, he said sure and we got to it. I felt surprisingly powerful in this whole situation; it was nice to be in control.
I don't know what's up with me and power lately but I think I have an inkling why.
not too far from what happened last night... People keep saying how I'm so sweet and nice and perfect husband/boyfriend material yet nothing works out for me. Constantly hearing this kinda got annoying since hearing it from girls doesn't really mean anything to me apart from being just complements. I don't want to be known only as just the nice guy. Yes, I like being the nice guy and yes again, I think I am a nice guy, but that won't get me anywhere near where I want to reach. Being constantly nice and accommodating makes me feel weak in a way and probably seem weak to others as well.
A little secret I keep tucked away inside is that I'm not as innocent and sweet as I make myself to be. Behind closed doors I'm actually quite a assertive and aggressive individual willing to try almost anything once and am willing to fight for a belief until blood is drawn. It's like having two minds inhabiting the same body, one showing itself during the day and one when the sun sets. For those who only see the sunny side are missing out on half the story; it's like watching Titanic and cutting the movie before the ship hits the iceberg, you miss what is pretty much the most crucial bit to the story.
Maybe I need to let some of this hidden side show more often. The saying goes that nice guys finish last and I think that couldn't be more true in college. I've been Mr. Nice Guy for a while and probably always will be, but it's my dark side that I need to hint at more. Maybe that will get people interested and want to explore more into what I have to offer.
What's gotten into me?
JP
Three blogs of the few that I comment on have been slaughtered by Google and the others haven't posted in 2 days! I might actually have to get a life lol. Yeah sometimes the profs stick you with a really tough exam just to glorify their own ego, but review the test when you get it back, correct the mistakes and keep it in mind for the next one. Good idea to go to the gym after.
ReplyDelete-I remember watching the 'Queer as Folk' tv series a few years back (it was surprisingly explicit). The young and handsome main character was a 'player' like Mark much to the chagrin of the cute young guy who wanted to be his boyfriend. Eventually the cute young guy did become his boyfriend with the agreement that each could mess around on the side as long as they were honest with each other about it, and they stayed shacked up together. I wouldn't be surprised if many homosexual couples have this agreement. Sort of reminds me of st8 guys who really love their gf or wife but occasionally want a strange one on the side. Proof that us humans are closely related to chimpanzees lol.
-You know JP what you are saying about the 'other side' of you is true of a lot of people and nothing to be ashamed of, but be sure to keep things in balance and any sexual activity to be safe sex only. I can imagine the tens of thousands of people on the sex websites (doing nasty and exotic things) being the 'nice' person at work or singing in the church choir lol. Do remember that the nice guy can live with his conscience. bfn - Wayne :)
Maybe sometimes nice guys finish last, but I don't think it's always true. I'm reminded of my college class. Our Class President in junior and senior years was a very assertive, even dictatorial, guy. He went on to a highly successful career as a lawyer in D.C., had his fifteen minutes of fame, and doubtless made a ton of money. Our Student Council Rep. those same two years was a really nice and friendly guy who went back to his home city in the Midwest, got into the p.r. side of a large corporation there, had a highly successful career, and doubtless made a ton of money. Nice guys can succeed, and I think in the Student Council Rep's case he succeeded because he was a nice guy. And I doubt he had to make enemies along the way. I'd much rather be him than the Class President.
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