It's not you, it's me

I've been in the emergency room twice in the past day, not for myself, but because of others. Today, to say the least, will be a memorable one, and not necessarily for the best reasons. I got up at 6:45 after a call from my aunt telling me my mom was hospitalized after having chest pains the night prior. It terrified me and I was with her until almost 4PM at that point. She's okay now and has been discharged from the hospital but things still left me rather shaken up.

Tonight was the "End of Show" party for the theater production I've been doing publicity for. Things were fun for the most part; it was crowded, hot and full of unwarranted affection (both friendly and less appropriate) but tonight will probably go down in my memory, or at least in this written form, as the night I got my first true rejection in a long while. Dorky-cute theater freshman and I had to call campus emergency medical services on a girl after the party tonight. She had wayyy to much to drink, was stumbling everywhere and we had to essentially carry her back to her dorm. By the time we got there, I made to decision to call the med service on her to get them to check her out. In the end, they took her to the ER where she is passed out tonight. While me and dorky cute freshman were waiting for her in the waiting room, we got to talking. Things quickly turned to our love lives and what we've done, if we'd had met people on campus and more in general.

During our talks, I had the slightest feeling of hope, the slightest feeling that maybe, just maybe, me and him had a connection. Maybe it was the many looks we exchanged or just how comfortable the conversation was between us; it was amazing. Then I learned two facts, that creeper guy from my previous posts that won't leave me alone was trying to get with him, and that he had the hots for the roommate of a guy who has been hitting on me but just really isn't my type. He talked about how they were both really shy around each other and how he thinks the roommate likes him back and it was cute and uncomfortable at the same time. We also talked about creeper and I kept telling him I felt that something was off about him (which I do feel honestly). We kinda volleyed back and forth conversation for about half a hour until finally, one of the med service people came up to us.

We were told that we could go back to our rooms and that our friend would be okay, we got to talking on the way back. I told him he should try out for the next play we were putting on while he tried to figure out what song he would use. The topic of creeper came back up and eventually he said that I really should tell him what I'd been withholding from him whether or now it had to do with creeper. At this point, the dialog went almost movie like.

As we approached his dorm, I finally eeped out what I had been holding in the whole time.

"I really don't want things to be awkward"

"Why, what do you mean?"

"Dorky cute freshman, you're really cute and sweet, and I kinda like you"

"I'm really flattered JP, but I just don't feel the same way in that sense about our friendship"

"I know" I said, bummed

We hugged at this point and we parted ways to go back to our respective dorms.

Needless to say, it hurt. I had been hoping, after this long night of helping a drunken freshman girl back to her dorm, calling in an ambulance and medical services to her and waiting in an ER for almost an hour would produce some good, but in the end it didn't work out quite that way. Needless to say, words cannot convey the level of emotion that was present when we exchanged those brief sentences but it was really nerveracking for me. I hoped something amazing would come out of this, but alas, the world just had different plans.

That's actually a lie though, if I didn't turn back and decide to help dorky-cute freshman bring the drunken friend back to her dorm (and by that I mean carry), she very well could have ended up being in very, very bad shape. You know what, maybe that's just how things were meant to turn out. Maybe me and dorky-cute freshman were just not meant to be. What matters in the end us that in spite of all my petty personal problems, someone I cared about was safe and sound in the end. Maybe I'll get karma point for this, who knows.

Man, I never realized how much rejection actually hurts. I get the distinct impression that right now, at this very moment at 4:48 AM, I still am not realizing or feeling the full extent of this pain, that tomorrow morning, I will understand things more. I'm tired, still kinda of drunk and honestly disillusioned from everything that transpired today. I really should have gone to bed a hour ago but I really wanted to get this down before I fell asleep.

Dorky-cute freshman was a really nice guy, sure, I will probably end up seeing him around campus in the future but I guess he'll always be special in a strange way. He wasn't my first rejection, but something about what happened tonight will make this memorable. I definitely want to stay friends with him, he's a wonderful guy and I truly hope we will stay in touch even after the show ends. I just wonder now how long it will take for me to get over him.

All the best,

JP