Une Vie Compliquée: Memories

Monday, October 10, 2011

Memories

Sometimes I wonder how things would be different if I had the courage to say what I wanted to say way back when. Thing like,
"I really like you, Southern, I really like you"

"You really shouldn't be with him, you're better than that and deserve someone who appreciates that"

"Stop trying to be someone you're not, that mask you're wearing isn't making you feel any better, and it's hurting you"

"Matt, Je t'aime"

"Your support made me into the man I am today, thank you"

"You really will change the world, whether you know it or not, you're destined to do great things and touch more lives than you will ever be able to count"

"No."

I guess I will never be able to find out what could have been. Going through life is like working your way back up a family tree, every five seconds reaching another fork, having to decide which way to go, each path taking you into radically different worlds. The power of words has never been fully appreciated I think. It still shocks me how a simple word of encouragement or denial can change how one sees the world. Maybe one day I will get that second chance to say what I wanted to all those years ago and see what could have been and maybe still can be.

Be bold, be proud, and live in the here and now; you never know what the future has in store for you. Live each day as if it were your last.

All the best,

JP

2 comments:

naturgesetzOctober 10, 2011 at 6:21 PM
The lesson is to say what you want to say from now on. The caution is what it always has been: you have to consider the possible consequences before you decide whether you really want to say it.

Maybe hindsight can help you decide whether you're being too cautious sometimes.
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WayneOctober 10, 2011 at 7:03 PM
'the courage to say what I wanted to say.' As a teen how I wished I would not feel ashamed or guilty about my homosexuality. No such thing as Gay Pride parades back then. Yeah a do-over would be a lot different if I could go back! - Wayne :)
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Glossary

Some people I mention in this blog:

Maria - My best friend since kindergarden, I know almost everything about her and she about me. She was the first person I came out to and has been the rock ontowhich I go to when things get rocky in life. She's the only person I can actually speak completely open and frankly with. I don't know what I would do if I never met her all those years ago.

M - A girl I became friends with freshman year of high school, we've become very close friends and continue to be to this very day. We are surprisingly similar personality wise and value each other's opinion very highly. I can talk freely to M almost as much as I can with Maria. She currently attends an ivy-league university up north; I'm really glad we met all those years ago and can only imagine how my high school years would have turned out if we never met.

Miss X- Foodie, blogger, photgrapher, one of my best friends, and someone who can have a delightfully dry sense of humour. We met early on in high school and have been friends ever since. We often go on adventures accross NOVA with our little circle of friends which are occasionally recounted here on this blog.

Christine- Friends since we could barely ride half the roller coasters at theme parks, Christine is a magical being who is one of the few people I could and would talk about anything with for hours on end. She's currently spending much of her time in NYC though we still see each other very often. Her dramas sometimes make my drama seem like childsplay.

Mark -A former dorm mate, and now former crush. He came out as bi to me and Maudry one night which he has been increasingly comfortable with. He's tall, has short brown hair and used to play football. He's ambitious and looks to make a big impact in the world of Politics in the future. I have had a crush on him and we've gotten together a few times. I thought our relationship could have been something more, but in the end it will end up staying as a friendship. I hope only the best for him.

Liz - One of best friends at school. She's funny, charismatic and is someone who I can tell almost anything to. She's friends with Maudry, Mark and is part of the first floor crew who I love and frequently visited during my freshman year, we're still great friends today.

Matt - My now former love, hate, drug, everything. I met him back during my Sophomore year and the crush I developed on him that stuck for the longest time. He's tall, has brown blond hair and the rare but desirable "serious but funny" personality that makes me melt. He also has probably one of the best smiles of any guy I know. He was one of the captains of my high schools cross country team. For quite some time I've tried to end this obsession over him but everytime I seemed to make progress, I'd relapse. He's a great guy but in all liklihood he's straight.

Southern Charm (aka SC) - A guy on the crew team who had moved up from Florida during my senior year. He's charming, tall, and slim with brown slightly wavy short hair. When I first met him I got the thought that he might be gay, a thought I quickly suppressed. Since then, we had become pretty good friends. My friend Jess has a crush on SC. One evening on a car ride home, my friend Dutch told me she thought that SC might be gay, something I had repressed in my mind for months, but was pushed to the front of my mind again. He's now a freshman and is study engineering and comp sci in university.

Ben - A guy I had the pleasure of knowing for one of the best weeks of my life during a cruise over the summer. He's a bit shorter than me but was also a senior who runs cross country. We got to know each other pretty well and had many conversations during that week that I will probably never forget. He has brown hair and the most beautiful light brown eyes. I'm pretty sure he's straight but i couldn't help but get the feeling he could have been bi. He's mostly in my summer 2009 posts.

Dutch - My friend who I met during my junior year on the crew team. She's a fun great person to be around and is someone I could talk about anything with, especially during the private car rides back from practice. We both know of all the crew drama that goes on.

My Family - A network of people who I love with all my heart despite their nuances, quirks and often ridiculous practices. Apart from my mom, I haven't told anyone I'm gay and probably won't for a while. They're not ready for that and don't need the added stress.

Various Single Lettered Friends (L, T, K etc)- Friends I got too lazy to actually come up with an alias for (I gave up after five, how sad haha). They are usually someone from my close group of friends some of which I have come out to. We have a very mutually supportive relationship that fosters great bonds between us as a group.

**Names Changed to Preserve Anonymity**

Monday, October 10, 2011

Memories

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