Dear 2010,

Dear 2010,

You’ve been a very interesting year. Did I ask for all the interesting things you presented to me? No, but everything that did happen had a reason, and I’ve taken everything I’ve learned to heart.

You’ve brought me plenty of firsts…

My first kiss, my first hookup, my first true heartache

My first time I’ve actually felt comfortable with coming out and just being myself

My first time living independently, at least as independent as humanly possible

My first drink, my first college party and my first time getting sick from too much partying

And countless more.

You’ve brought me victories; I’m at one of the nation’s most prestigious universities, something my mom never got to do and my dad had to quit.

...and you’ve brought me losses; I lost my uncle to cancer and a friend I first met during freshman year.

I’ve met people who have changed my outlook on life and I’ve met those who are trying to figure out which path to take in life. I’ve made many new friends and very few enemies, and hopefully some of those friendships will be lifelong. I’ve become exposed to so many stories that no length of book could ever record the raw emotion and feeling associated with them.

And I have some regrets. You, 2010, were supposed to be the year I wanted to be more open with myself which I am, yet I still haven’t come out to my roommate. I also regret letting my connection with my dad become as loose as it has. I should have been nicer to him, spent more time with him rather than pushing him away.

Nevertheless, 2010, the surprises and triumphs you’ve presented to me far outweigh the downsides.

I’m more mature, I’m stronger, I’ve taken off more masks than I have in years and it feels awesome.

Thank you 2010, you’ve been one of the best years in all my life. 2011 has a lot to live up to but I have a feeling that 2011 could be just as good if not better.

Finally, I’d like to thank all of my readers, if it weren’t for you guys I never would have been able to achieve even remotely closely the amount of growth I have. I’ve revealed things here that I’ve never shared with anyone in person. The support you guys have provided is something I truly appreciate and can never thank you enough for.

Ring in the new year with some music

Two Door Cinema Club - I Can Talk

I wish everyone a very happy and prosperous new year.

All the best,

JP

Looking Towards The Future

I want to make something of my time at college. I want more than just an education, more than the thrill of meeting new people or living independently. I want to take control of my life. Next semester I’m going to get involved in more clubs; I’m going to get a job and I’m going to get myself out there and become part of campus life.

One thing that I’ve never done in my life is hold an actual job. I’ve worked before, neighbors needing help, housework and the like, but for the most part nothing that pays a steady wage. I’ve wanted to get jobs over the summer before, but my parents want to travel too often that I’d be out so much and be inconcsistent iwth attendance. It would be more of a hassle for me and any prospective employer that it would be worth. I’ve never really had a true impetus that would force me to get a job either. I fear sounding conceited or snooty but the truth is that money for the most part never had been a issue. My family isn't rich but I’d budget Christmas and birthday money throughout the year, spend frugally and my parents would give me money whenever I asked so in the end, spending money was always on hand.

I’ve lived a comfortable life and I’ve felt guilty about that before and occasionally still do.

Now that I’m gaining more control of my future I feel one thing that will do a lot for me developmentally would be to find a job and earn money for myself. Even if I can’t make a meaningful impact on my admittedly outrageous tuition and housing I can at least earn spending money on my own. A step forward is a step forward anyway you look at it. There’s a student run business at school that I’m considering getting a job with; they own a chain of coffee shops, a convenience store, a grocery store, do catering and more. I’m also planning to look off-campus and see if any shops are be hiring. I dream of one day starting my own business or climbing to the top of an established corporation so getting a job now will get me some hands-on experience and help lay the groundwork for whatever comes in the future.

I also need to get involved in more clubs. I did fencing for a few weeks but dropped it after not feeling as passionate about it as I thought I would be. Sure it was fun, but just because something is fun doesn’t mean I want to commit to it. Crew was the only sport I committed to in high school because I felt passionate about it. It was a team sport; everyone was putting in 110% in perfect synchronization to achieve a central goal, and even if we didn’t succeed we still had the time of our lives. I sorely miss that feeling of togetherness, of camaraderie.

How not to row:

"Being beautiful doesn't make you a good rower, being a good rower makes you beautiful."

I am somewhat involved however; I'm part of my school’s LGBT pride organization but it feels disconnected to its members. Sure they organize plenty of events but I’ve never felt like I wanted to participate. I think it’s because they’re very “loud” on the pride part. I’m not a fan of how in-your-face some of their events are. I understand that they’re trying to get people to recognize their efforts and their message about being gay and proud but there are better, more reasonable ways in my mind.

Finally I need to get more involved with volunteering. I’ve been in contact with the LGBTQ center on campus and I’ve known the administrator for the center since I first arrived on campus. I’m on their volunteer email list and plan to help out as much as I can when I return. I’m looking at trying to get a regular returning spot in the center too. This is the kind of environment where I think progress towards getting people to accept gays can make the most progress. It's somewhere where people can get help and also a way to show gay pride while also showing that we're normal, everyday people and friends as well.

So those are my goals for the Spring semester; sure, this will be a lot on my plate but I think I should be good. I’m into the rhythm of things now and have gotten over the initial freshman terror period so I think I can handle it.

This just in! final grades have been posted and while I don’t completely agree with all my grades I still averaged between a B+ and A- so I shouldn’t complain. This isn’t high school anymore so things are definitely harder; nevertheless, I feel that the only direction I can go now is up. Three cheers for optimism? Maybe?

Well, here’s my latest musical addiction. I loved her single Chasing Pavements when Adele first burst into the spotlight a few years ago but this song just proves her talent.


Adele- Rolling in the Deep

All the best,

JP

Movie Night

Ingredients:

-1 lb. Strawberries
-Plain yogurt
-Brown Sugar
-Dark Chocolate
-White Chocolate
-DVD of mutual choosing

Optional:

-Popcorn and any other snack foods

Serves: 2

Directions:

1. Melt dark chocolate and white chocolate and pour into separate bowls,
2. Serve yogurt and brown sugar in individual dishes
3. Wash and dry strawberries and serve with chocolate and yogurt and brown sugar to dip
4. Play movie, actually watching the movie is optional.
5. Throw caution into the wind and let things happen as they will
6. Enjoy each other's company and the night in.

Love is like a drug; once you've experienced it, you keep craving for more. I want someone to share this recipe with.

I think I'm going to watch a movie by myself tonight. I already watched Black Swan this afternoon and Inception last night but I need more. I need to escape again, just for a little while.

This world isn't as exciting as it used to be.

It's too real.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas everyone. I hope you're home safe and sound this evening.

Christmas isn't about the presents or food, or about worrying about bills, work and tests, but rather simply reveling in the company of family and friends you love and care about. So this Christmas, raise a glass to life; be thankful for what you have and remember that happiness can be found in even the smallest of things and the most obscure of places.


Darlene Love - Christmas (Baby please come home)

Merci pour vos amitié; Je vous adore.

JP

Shelter

After living in a dorm with 400 other people, I’ve really come to appreciate the quiet and solitude that spending time alone late at night provides. I’m free from the distractions of life and bustle of work and can let my mind wander wherever it will. I really enjoy having quiet movie nights by myself especially; the ability to turn off the lights, light a candle and have a bowl of grapes by my side as I gaze at my laptop screen really makes me content with life, even if things around me aren't quite as beautiful.

I’ve been trying to avoid the everyday blockbuster type film and focus more on independent features. I’ve expressed my love for well made gay themed flicks like Were the World Mine and Latter Days, but I think I’ve found one more film that ranks right up there with these and my all time favorites of Pan’s Labyrinth and 12 Angry Men. Shelter (2007) is a movie that never got full theatrical release as many gay themed movies I’ve watched haven’t either. Starring Trevor Wright as Zach and Brad Rowe as Shaun, the movie follows the life of Zach, a 22 y/o aspiring artist as he tries to figure out his plans for the future while taking care of his nephew Cody and sister all while coming to terms with his homosexuality.

Wright does a superb job of portraying his character as both believable and dynamic with a very good performance. His ability to convey the deep emotions and inner struggles his character faces is done so deftly one could feel as if this wasn’t a movie but stock footage shot in an actual home. Complementing Wright is Rowe’s excellent job of being a guiding figure in such a turbulent period in Zach’s life.

The movie itself runs very smoothly, mixing the two stories of Zach’s aspirations to become an artist and his own search for love and who he really is. At only 88 minutes long, it’s a great movie to watch if you have an evening to spare or just need a break; plus, the story moves along relatively quickly so you’ll never be caught waiting for the next exciting part or mini-climax. I don’t want to give away too much of the plot but I’m sure there are parts where you could easily identify with one or more of the characters like I did when I watched.

Here’s the trailer:


On the home front things are going pretty well,

I’ve turned in my papers and I’m officially on winter break. Today I took Ms. X and her friend along M St. and later got cupcakes with M in RTC. Tomorrow I’m getting breakfast with C and afterwards visiting my high school to say “hi” to some teachers and some seniors who I’m close friends with. After that I need to do some Christmas shopping and maybe some clothes shopping while I’m at it. That's a lot on my plate so we’ll see how that pans out.

J'ai trouvé des joies dans les trucs simples en vie, et ca me sourie.

All the best,

JP

50

Nothing says "Welcome Home" like a family trip to Costco.

Well yeah, I'm home. I actually came home yesterday to my dad's house but now I'm back home home. I still need to write one more essay and turn that in but then I'm officially done with my first semester of college!

In other news, I've reached 50 followers! I still can't believe my eyes but all I can say is thank you to everyone. I don't think I ever could have made it this far without all the support you guys have provided and all the advice and kind words you've shared. I really feel like we've become true friends and have become one as a community.

In other, other random news, I have realized that on the right (aka hot) guy and with the right twang, southern accents are sexy as hell. Plus, if everything is just right, it might even beat the British accent in my mind :O

Anyways, I'm off to punch out a few more paragraphs. I'll do a legitimate post soon.

All the best,

JP

5 Parts Gin, 1 Part Vermouth Mk II

I woke up this morning feeling strangely powerful, like a breath of fresh air had refreshed my entire body overnight. I feel like I can do anything; I don’t know why, but I like it. I still have two finals and a paper to go but they don’t scare me a much as they did these past few days. I’m steaming along full speed ahead.

I think I’m feeling good because things have just been going right lately. I think I’ve found my niche and group of people who I feel comfortable around, I’ve made good progress on work and I’ve gotten my priorities straight for the most part. Yesterday I got lunch with Glee Guy for the first time and we just chatted the whole time, it’s was casual and fun in a let's-get-to-know-eachother way. He has a great smile.

I’m heading home tomorrow after my Psych exam to a much anticipated three and a half weeks of relaxation and friends I haven’t seen since August, to say I’m excited would be the understatement of the year. I’m mostly looking forward to home cooked food, my dog and being able to have a kitchen to myself again. Cooking had always been my favorite stress reliever and how I pass my time,so now with so much time I plan to be cooking up quite a storm.

*fun fact: I started this post around noon before my calc final and it’s now after 1AM*

I just got back from hanging out at a friend’s room; we had a martini night and I had one very dry martini which was nice but I’d like to try a sweeter version for comparison. My roommate joined us which I was very happy about since he hadn’t really done much with people from the fourth floor much so it was a good casual way to break the ice and meet some of my friends and people from our floor. He seems to have changed in the past few weeks, he’s mellowed out a bit and seems happier. I have a feeling it could have to do with the fact that he's been hanging out with old friends lately with whom he can act normally around, he's been talking about acting genuine and true a lot lately so this helped a lot I imagine.

I need to study for another hour or so before I go to bed so I’ll end this here.

One more final to go, I can do this.

All the best,

JP

Come with Me...

...and dance the night away




We the Kings - Skyway Avenue

-Sorry, it's still finals until Saturday so no comments on this one either-

I feel like crying. I want to curl up in a ball and just be by myself. I've never had that question posed to me before. I can write damn it. I make mistakes but that gives you no right to ask me a question like that. Is it just because I'm not white that you think it's okay to ask if English is my first language when all I ask is for a little feedback? I don't even know why I'm so upset over this; why would this strike such a nerve? Fuck you. Fuck you to hell.

I know I'm not the next Thoreau, Rowling, Heller or Dickens but I'm not a fucking FOB immigrant either. I never intended to be an English major for a reason.

How the hell am I supposed to focus now?

Join Me, Won't You?

I'm going to take a break, a break from constant fretting and searching. My problem is that I need to stop jumping on every small hint or glimmer of hope whether it be love or opportunity. It's so childish and doesn't make any headway in terms of progress or making me a better person.

Love isn't something you search for. Love is something that will happen when the time is right. It will come at the most unexpected of times and in the most unexpected of places. This constant search I've been on hasn't produced fruit because I've adopted such a self-centered me-me-me attitude towards it. I'm wrong and I'm actually happy to admit to that. I'm single and it's nothing to be ashamed of. With only 18 years under my belt there is lots of time to experience new things and meet new people; it's exciting.

I will find him, or he will find me. I can never know when or where because that's all part of the big scheme of things. Life's like riding a roller coaster for the first time; you can see all its twists and turns, crests and troughs while waiting in line and imagine the sensation of flying through every one of them, but until you reach them, you will never feel that lightness in your seat or those butterflies in your stomach. Heck, that corkscrew could turn out to be as exciting as you expected or more than you ever could have imagined. Right now I'm on the slow climb up; the top of the first hill is near yet I don't know exactly what lies on the other side. It's probably going to be a wild ride up ahead but I'm ready.

Join me, won't you?

We're in for the ride of a lifetime.

Goodbye Zach

Well things have a habit of working out this way but Zach is now out of the picture. I had suspected that Zach was gay and I still do but I've decided to back down on anything I had or would have planned. My friend AV has expressed interest in him and I'm convinced, as is the rest of the group, that the feelings are mutual. They both have super similar personalities, are in the same school, are in multiple classes tomorrow and would be adorable together. Whenever she asks him to study together, he will walk all the way across campus multiple times just so they could study, and she absolutely glows when they are together. They really do seem that they are meant to be together.

AV has been having problems with a super clingy and emotional boyfriend back at home and things today went very downhill when he wouldn't leave her alone. He was texting every few minutes complaining about how she had to cancel their video chat because it's finals week and she needs to study. He's also still in high school back in Boston which makes distance a major problem. In short, this would seem like the perfect time for her to get a fresh start.

I do believe that Zach and AV were made for each other and would be great together if they were in a relationship. AV thinks she's going to go for it and I hope things will turn out well.

As for me, Zach will be another good friend. A funny, intelligent guy whose company I'll greatly enjoy and will make me smile.

Gah, I have finals to study for and essays to write. Back to work.

All the best,

JP

It's All Gone Cold

Guilt is a terrible thing, it eats away at you slowly, unaware of and indifferent to your pleads for mercy or claims to have learned your lesson.

I feel guilty for finding pleasure in the confusion and turmoil of others. I recently found satisfaction in seeing others in situations where I once stood and was scoffed and laughed at. I now seeing them face the same distress I had to deal with and occasionally still do and I smiled. For that brief moment, the sense of self-satisfaction was intoxicating; I felt powerful. Yet that sensation quickly wore off, replaced by guilt over having found pleasure in that at all, my insides went cold. Indeed, it was a classic battle between my id and superego. I felt guilty since I know the confusion and turmoil at hand yet I was so happy that finally the tables had turned. Even worse is that it’s all happening to a friend. I’m an asshole.

I need a shot. I need five shots. I just want to numb this feeling, just for a little while.

I don’t know how to feel right now. I’m caught in between and will probably just sit here. A little while ago M told me to “just be selfish, we’ve done our part, it’s time to just focus on yourself” and I can’t help to think of that now. But if I follow that mindset I’m taking her words way out of context, this isn’t what it means to be selfish. I just want things to make sense, I’m waiting for karma to finally swing back around and present me with a gold envelope like I have for years but my patience is starting to wear thin.

It’s finals time and I’m behind in my studying and essay writing. I hope to make up for some of this today and Monday however. I still don’t think it has hit me that the semester is essentially over, it’s too soon, things have moved by too quickly and all I want to do is press the rewind button and do many things over again. I can’t do that now though so I’m now here trying to finish off the year strong. I’ve made my mistakes and I’ve had my victories, but now isn’t the time to reflect; I should focus on my studies. I’ll place my emotions and guilt on the back burner, at least for now.

Only one week stands between me and over three weeks of home, friends and comfort.

I can do this...I hope.

JP

P.S. - I'm turning comments back on for this post, feedback would be appreciated.

Baby I'm a Fool

Coffee is flowing through my veins as I continue to work into the wee hours of the morning. I've spent my entire night in the library re-writing a theology paper which still feels like a piece of crap to me but there really isn't much I can do now.

It's past 3:30 and the rest of the study group has left, leaving me the lone ranger but there have been a few bright spots to the night. I got to talk one-on-one with Zach when we went to get some coffee and food together; he's a really comfortable person to be around and he waited for me to get my drink before heading back to the table. I also got his number tonight though it was more of a friend-exchange thing than anything. We're beginning to feel more and more comfortable around each other and that's a good thing.

Tomorrow (nee Today) is the last day of classes for this semester. I have my International Business final tomorrow in class and my final calc and theology classes and then I'm done. Some people on the first floor were possibly going to a gay club to dance and celebrate the end of the semester tonight but I'm not really in the clubbing mood though so I don't think I'm going. Rather, I'm going to an IRC-UNICEF winter gala tomorrow instead which ends at 10 so I guess if I wanted to go clubbing afterwards I could. Thing is, I'm feeling more in the hanging with good friends and spending the night in kind of mood so we'll see.

Well, it's technically Thursday but hey, it's time for music.




Melody Gardot- Baby I'm a Fool

It's a really nice song to just relax, read or study to and the tranquil nature of the song reflects the sense of general calm I'm feeling too. Nice!

All the best,

JP

Be My Teenage Dream Tonight

It’s been a while, eh? Finals week is approaching and pretty much I’ve been finding myself locked in the library until the wee hours of the morning trying to churn out papers and work of questionable quality.

I’ve had some strange things happen to me lately, whether or not it is due to stress I cannot know but it’s a likely suspect. Strangeness however is something I have gotten used to and there is actually much to discuss and tell. Shall we begin?

Something somewhat foreign to me has entered my life and I’m not particularly sure how to react. I’ve developed some sort of quiet hatred for someone, a friend actually. This isn’t hatred out of jealousy but more simply over who the person is and their personality. While I would never say this is outright, I get the impression that the reason I harbor such a quiet anger is that I think “subject Y” is in my mind a selfish, whiny, two-faced individual simply seeking sympathy and attention. Thing is, Y is a truly nice person on the outside, Y comes across as kind and gentle yet nevertheless I get the distinct impression there is an act being put on, that it’s all ingenuine and is meant to lull others into a sense of false security. I know Y has a habit of talking about others behind their backs which just adds to the problem. While it could be just me, Something just seems off about Y which makes the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

As I’ve said many times recently I’ve been staying on my home floor much more lately and working with them and hanging out with them. It was last week during the night we watched Love Actually that I met a new guy from a different dorm named Zach. He’s friends with one of my other friends and a few other people on my floor and that’s how we all initially met through acquaintance. Zach’s a very cool guy, he’s tall, has gorgeous blue eyes, brown hair and sings in an acapella group here on campus; I also think he could be gay. For the past few nights I’ve been studying in the library when he joins us to work and I’ve sat next to him each time. We chat and talk and sometimes tease and just get along well; he’s a cute/hot nerd and just a nice guy in general. I honestly don’t know if he’s gay or not nor do I plan to ask but hey, the future can hold many surprises, maybe he could play a large role in my future.

I haven’t been able to talk to Glee guy much lately, he’s been doing lots of stuff off campus and he missed Glee tonight for a dance related class elsewhere in DC. I wish I could get to know him a little better than the brief handful of sentences we’ve exchanged. If I could get to know him through interaction like I have with Zach things would likely be much easier to get a read on how well we actually get along.

Mark has been busy himself lately with political work and trying to get reform passed on campus and normally when I run into him it’s due to him working. I’ve gotten better since my little fallout over him a few weeks ago.

I just want an honest relationship…

Blah, this feels like such a filler post but I’m not terribly in the mood for deeper writing. I think finals is causing me to become less expressive in general, too much stress.

Oh, finally, I think I’m going to disable comments for a little while. I realize that while I love getting comments on my posts I find myself constantly looking for notices saying one has posted. So in need to reduce distraction and to return to simple writing, I’m going to disable comments for the foreseeable future. I’ll definitely reopen them in the future however, probably after finals are done would be my best guess.

It’s almost 3:30AM, time for bed.

All the best,

JP

A New Page

I’ve decided to take initiative. If I want to move forward with my life I need to stop lingering in the past and being nostalgic about days which I know I cannot and will not return to. I’ve realized a lot of things in the past few hours and I think that it’s time for me to make a change.

Last night I had a heart to heart with my roommate. He had gone out that night and I stayed in with a bunch of people from the fourth floor to watch Love Actually in my room since we have the nice TV so when he came back he was still rather drunk. Despite this, we talked about how our nights were and eventually our conversation evolved to things much deeper than just the drinking escapades of the night.

My roommate has had a lot on his mind lately as he revealed, including his girlfriend, friends, “friends” and life in general. He felt like he didn’t deserve to have such a kind understanding girlfriend; as he put it, if he were in her shoes he would have broken up long ago and that he feels unworthy of someone as loving as her. He talked about how he feels that he doesn’t have any “true” friends apart from me and his friend from high school, and rather he has a group “friends” who are really just acquaintances of which he is just an outlier. He’s tired of being at the bottom of an hierarchy of “friends” where people are given such obvious preferential treatment it’s almost painful to hear about. He’s tired of having his view that friends should all be on an equal level being trampled upon and he’s tired of being put down and ignored. I know exactly what he means.

I love my roommate, he’s a rational, caring person whose trying to fit in yet keeps getting pushed away by two faced people who I think in reality sometimes see him as more of a nuisance than anything. It’s horrible; it’s freshman year of high school all over again, but this time the people are older, the words sharper and the emotions even greater. I hate seeing him in such turmoil when he really shouldn’t be since there is no reason to be. I really do appreciate that he is willing to say all this to me, I felt it made out relationship that much stronger. We had a roommate bro hug afterwards.

Because of this talk I’ve decided to try and rid my life of negative energy and people who weigh me down; fake people with painted on smiles who secretly could care less. I just need genuine, content people who are comfortable with themselves and aren’t afraid to just do what they want, not caring about that other people think of them. Those are the people who I should surround myself with. I realize that I already have these people in my life, indeed, these people don’t talk behind your back or judge but take you for who you are. These people are friends I have made since I arrived on campus but never truly differentiated from everyday acquaintances until recently. I just feel comfortable around them. It’s refreshing.

Continuing on this route I decided to take initiative and talk to Glee guy outside of Glee and get to know him better. I saw him at the basketball game I went to today and since I left early I sent him a message on Facebook asking if anything exciting happened in the closing minutes. I plan to use that as a base for more conversation and eventually maybe ask him to hang out in the future.

I think I need to get myself out there to move on and make progress with my life. You can’t move forward if you’re stuck in the past.

Here’s to turning to a new page, and here’s to the light at the end of the tunnel, because it is worth it in the end to persevere through the darkness to reach it.

All the best,

JP

La Vie en Rose

Things have been quieting down lately. I've been spending less time on the first floor than before and been enjoying the company of people from the fourth floor and also my boyfriend named music. Heck, I remember how I used to almost live on the first floor but I've been lone wolfing it more lately.

I went on another walk today, mostly because I needed to withdraw money from the ATM but taking in the cold air and sounds of a busy street calm me down better than any massage ever could. I've been trying to give other people their space and give myself time to take back the reins of my life and get myself back on track; I apologize for being so emotional and moody lately, I've had too much stuff going through my mind in the past few days I kinda needed somewhere to spill it all and that place ended up being here on my blog.

I had a little moment with Glee guy yesterday, as I left my room he was getting a drink from the water fountain in my hall which is really far away from the room where we watch Glee. I told him about the closer fountain and he said something but sounded like a bunch of words jumbled together before looking away and blushing. haha, cute.

The idea of getting a piercing or small tattoo has popped up again, so what is this, 3rd time in the past 4 months? If I get a tattoo it would be a short French phrase on my inner bicep while a piercing would probably be my left nipple since everything else would be too obvious and my mom would probably freak; plus, I've been working out and my pecs finally have some definition so they might benefit from a little ornamentation haha. A piercing there is really gay though and I think is too "loud" for me. Wanting a piercing or tattoo again is probably another passing urge that will be gone by the end of the week but if this has come back so many times already maybe it means I really do want this. I don't intend to tell anyone if I get either a piercing or tattoo, well apart from the people I've told about this blog, rather it'll be something personal for me to enjoy.

Alright, enjoy some music-




Edith Piaf - La Vie en Rose

J'adore les chansons Francaise

All the best,

JP