Guilt is a terrible thing, it eats away at you slowly, unaware of and indifferent to your pleads for mercy or claims to have learned your lesson.
I feel guilty for finding pleasure in the confusion and turmoil of others. I recently found satisfaction in seeing others in situations where I once stood and was scoffed and laughed at. I now seeing them face the same distress I had to deal with and occasionally still do and I smiled. For that brief moment, the sense of self-satisfaction was intoxicating; I felt powerful. Yet that sensation quickly wore off, replaced by guilt over having found pleasure in that at all, my insides went cold. Indeed, it was a classic battle between my id and superego. I felt guilty since I know the confusion and turmoil at hand yet I was so happy that finally the tables had turned. Even worse is that it’s all happening to a friend. I’m an asshole.
I need a shot. I need five shots. I just want to numb this feeling, just for a little while.
I don’t know how to feel right now. I’m caught in between and will probably just sit here. A little while ago M told me to “just be selfish, we’ve done our part, it’s time to just focus on yourself” and I can’t help to think of that now. But if I follow that mindset I’m taking her words way out of context, this isn’t what it means to be selfish. I just want things to make sense, I’m waiting for karma to finally swing back around and present me with a gold envelope like I have for years but my patience is starting to wear thin.
It’s finals time and I’m behind in my studying and essay writing. I hope to make up for some of this today and Monday however. I still don’t think it has hit me that the semester is essentially over, it’s too soon, things have moved by too quickly and all I want to do is press the rewind button and do many things over again. I can’t do that now though so I’m now here trying to finish off the year strong. I’ve made my mistakes and I’ve had my victories, but now isn’t the time to reflect; I should focus on my studies. I’ll place my emotions and guilt on the back burner, at least for now.
Only one week stands between me and over three weeks of home, friends and comfort.
I can do this...I hope.
JP
P.S. - I'm turning comments back on for this post, feedback would be appreciated.
Happy Thanksgiving!
3 weeks ago
I know that feeling, is a guilty pleasure.
ReplyDeleteBut over all a bad feeling, one shouldn't get happy if someone is suffering, no matter what the asshole mother f*cker did to you :p
Good Luck in your tests!
And now for some insight from Daria Morgendorffer...
ReplyDeleteBrittany - Yeah! It's like, I feel bad, but I think I should feel worse, and not feeling worse makes me feel bad all over again.
Daria - The truth is, Brittany, is that you are nice, or you wouldn't be feeling bad at all right now.
Brittany - So... you're saying that feeling bad about not feeling worse is good?
(pause as Daria lets that one sink in)
Daria - Yes. Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying.
Brittany - Thanks, Daria! (runs off)
Daria - (writing on notepad) "Feeling bad... not feeling worse... good."
I hope that reference was caught by at least someone...
Good luck on finals =)
I think KFC pretty well nailed it.
ReplyDeleteThat initial feeling of pleasure at seeing someone else suffer what you've suffered is spontaneous and therefore, morally speaking, neither right nor wrong. Therefore, it should not induce guilt, since guilt should only come with an awareness that we have done wrong.
The moral question arises when you make a free and deliberate choice. It sounds to me as if you are basically making the right choice, namely, that you do not wish to take pleasure in the evil that befalls others (even if they deserve it). You may still be having trouble getting your feelings to line up with your will, but that's okay.
So, as the occasion arises, keep telling yourself, "I shouldn't enjoy what's happening to them," but don't knock yourself out over it.
Good luck on everything that remains for the semester.
The Germans have a word for what you are talking about (no equivalent in English) called schadenfreude which means being smug or feeling pleasure at the misfortune of others. I think it is a characteristic of us humans that we will not admit. However you should stand by your friend and offer support if you have experienced his/her situation. A little schadenfreude might be ok if it concerns a person you don't like, but not ok if concerns a friend. No one wants to be dissed (as the rappers say) and the world would be a much better place if people just remembered the Golden Rule in social discourse; this will always give you the moral high ground. You say you feel guilty and this tells me that you are a moral man of conscience JP. But none of us is perfect and Jesus said 'let he who is without sin cast the first stone' (I'm not very religious but I love that quote!) bfn - Wayne :) (you are right, this is no time for drama so focus on those exams!)
ReplyDeletei don't think this is something that you should scoff at. if anything, it's something you should work out with the person, and help them. obviously you're in a better place, and they aren't. you made it through, and they're working through it. i mean, what are friends for, anyway?
ReplyDeleteFirst, to reply to wayner's comment, there is an English equivalent to schadenfreude: sadism. It may have a negative mainstream connotation, but simply it means finding pleasure in the pain and/or misery of others. Is this something to worry about? I don't think so, everyone had at least a tinge of a sadistic impulse in them.
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with naturgesetz. The fact of the matter is, you felt guilt because you know/believe that it is wrong to feel pleasure from such a situation. I'd be more worried if you found pleasure in your friend's misery without feeling any sort of remorse for it.
It is not our impulses that identify who we are, but more so the ideas and will we manifest through conscious effort.