One More Thing I Don't Need Right Now

The heart says yes. The mind says no. Who will win?

So I found out my dad's been cheating on my mom, they're going to futilely attempt to try and fix their loveless marriage, I was indeed an accident, my mom has so many skeletons in her closet you couldn't fit a single pencil more into it, I fucked up my last sociology exam, and to top it all off, I have to pretend none of this ever happend because "happy-happy Chinese New Year" is coming up.

So how was your evening?

Friday (A Scary Weekend Part I)

I’ve fucked up. This whole weekend has probably been one of the scariest and dizzying roller coaster rides in recent memory and likely in my life, and I’m kind of a wreck on the inside as a result. There’s too much to say in one post so I’ll probably have to split it up. Let me elaborate from the beginning.

Friday was my friend H’s birthday and we had all chipped in so she would have a good time. We had a champagne toast before dinner and went out to a Thai restaurant. We went back to campus afterwards, enjoyed cake (red velvet, which still scares me even if it does taste pretty good) and then the libations began flowing in her room. Mark had bought plenty of drinks for us and we played a few rounds of kings with Franzia and vodka which was fun but got boring after a while. I don’t why I drank so much Franzia as it tasted like a hybrid of diluted Welch’s grape juice with a splash of Burnett’s added for fun.

Sorry for going off track.

H was getting pretty drunk and was being kind of reckless with her drinking, purposefully losing rounds of Kings so she could have more. Around 11, Mark had to go to a Student Senate party and he could bring a handful of us with him. Apparently Mark convinced H to go by telling her Maudry was kicking her out of the room in order to hook up with a guy (not true). It ended up being me, Mark, H and another girl Nel who went to the party which was a couple of blocks away.

H was getting increasingly uncomfortable the entire walk over and kept wanting to turn back. She kept saying how everyone abandoned her and weren’t her true friends even though they simply didn’t feel like going out and that Mark could only bring a certain amount of poeple. Nel and I convinced her each time to at least stick around for a little while more and we eventually got her inside. It was a small gathering as Mark had said and while he went off talking to the other senators, Nel, H and I stood to the side until H said she wanted to go again. Nel and I walked her over to the living room where she began to get very upset that she wasn’t having a good time and just wanted to go to bed. I went to go talk to Mark about trying to get the others to come talk to her and make her feel better but unknown to me, as we were talking, H had convinced Nel to leave and they slipped away unnoticed.

By this point I was upset because H was an emotional mess and I felt horrible for having unintentionally abandoning her. Since they left, only me and Mark were left at the party, alone in the living room trying to figure out what to do. In a matter of seconds however our conversation slipped from H to Mark telling me that he didn’t want a relationship yet but still being physically attracted to me. After a brief back and forth, we found ourselves behind a corner of a wall making out like it was nobody’s business. When we pulled ourselves apart, he told me he would text me when he got back to the dorm. He had to go back to the other senators and I went back to the dorms.

I found Nel and the others in my friend L’s room and she was still visibly upset. I talked to her for a second before she left to talk to Nel in her room. I stayed in L’s room for a while and told them about what happened during the walk which upset them and became one of the main topics of conversation. For about two hours we sat and talked in the common room before Mark came back from the multiple parties he ended up attending that night. He went to hang out with his friends for a while before I split off and went back to my room.

He came up after a while and after an exchange of “hi”s we starting going at it. This was the first time I had hooked up with anyone since the end of October and the last person I hooked up with was Mark again, before I became an emotional wreck over him. During and after we were hooking up, we talked about how a hookup can just be a hookup and that we should just leave it at that. He wasn’t in to hooking up too often but said he wouldn’t mind getting together occasionally for some fun. I obviously agreed, and at that note we said goodnight.

When my roommate came back, I told him I thought he knew who I was with. After some prodding, he guessed Mark and I told him yes. I asked if he was okay with it and being the chill guy he is, he said of course and that was that. Mind you, he hadn’t had a thing to drink all night so this wasn’t some drunken exchange, well at least on his end. Coming out to him this way probably wasn’t the best idea in the world but the fact that it turned out as well as it did makes me feel better.

The next day I went home to meet up with Maria for lunch and to hang out and I told her about what had happened and my worries about what’s next. If you guys knew about my situation with Mark back in the fall, you know I fell for him and fell for him hard. In fact, I only recently got over him and accepted the fact that we probably wouldn’t go any further than just being friends. I still question today though whether I really did get over him all the way. I realize I most likely still do harbor residual feelings for him and always will. After getting together with him again, I worry that it will be the October fiasco all over if I become emotionally attached again, which, to be honest, is a very real possibility.

Yes, I would love a relationship, and yes I would love for that to be with Mark, but I know that won’t happen, at least for a long while. I’m trying to keep what I have with Mark as light on the emotional baggage as possible while letting the physical run rampant. Maria said that getting back together with Mark would be bad for me on many levels and I can see where she is coming from since I’ve told her almost everything and she knows me better than I know myself.
Another thing that worries me is that Mark can be rather hedonistic at times and he’s said he wouldn’t mind “being a piece of ass” for the senior guys over at where he works. That shouldn’t bother be since it’s his life and he can do whatever he wants, but it’s something that’s sticking in my head more than it probably should.

What I want to do is seemingly impossible- get together with a guy I had fallen head over heels with on a exclusively just for fun basis. The only advantage I have on my side that I didn’t before is that I know this time that I shouldn’t pursue him like I did before. Back then I thought I had a chance with Mark, but now I know better. As long as I keep that fact in my mind I think I should be fine and be able to just enjoy the moment. I think.

If you’ve gotten to this point, thanks, this was a terribly long post. I just really needed to get this off my chest. Plus, I promise my Saturday story is even worse (better?).

Yikes, I’m scaring myself just thinking about it.

All the best,

JP

What a Night

Dry spell? Over.

I came out to my roommate; he's cool with it.

Damn. Eventful night.

I'll elaborate when I'm more sober.

Night,

JP

Love/Hate

You're everything I want to be and everything I can't be; that's why I love you and that's why I hate you all the same. This hate isn't a bad hate though, it's a kind of hate which causes frustration and pain while also making me want to better myself. Maybe one day I can reach some of those goals.

I love you.

I hate you.

So, uhhh, do you feel the same way?


Maybe what you have been looking for has been right under your nose this whole time.

Big Wheel Keep On Turnin'

Well, I tried but didn't get the job. Dissapointed? Sure, but I was also dissapointed that I once thought 32+12 = 54 on a calculus test. Well, actually, that was more of a *headdesk* or *facepalm* moment but it hurt me on the inside nonetheless.

In short, I'm feeling kinda down but it'll pass with time, the weekend looks to be fun and there is the potential for a healthy amount of snow coming up soon so that'll give me something to look forward to. Anyways, I'm happy for those who did make the cut, it was a difficult, selective process, congratulations, I truly mean that whether you believe me or not.

As I wait out the blahs in the meantime, I'll be here, at my desk doing homework and looking again for a job or volunteer position, maybe this time off-campus.

It's probably a good thing that text doesn't convey tone very well, otherwise this whole thing would probably feel much heavier than you currently take it to be.

Ah fuck it.

JP

I want it so badly it hurts

Dreamscape

I feel like I’m constantly in a dream-like state. It all seems fuzzy around the edges, the people, the feel of the wind on my skin, the sounds, everything feels dulled. I feel as if I'm not part of my life, but watching it play before me on a screen, vignetting and all for those photography inclined. The last two days came and went so quickly that barely anything has registered, yet in those two days yet so much has happened.

After my last class Thursday I went to walk around the neighborhoods surrounding campus for the first time since fall. I missed how tranquil it was, being able to have music quietly playing in my ears and taking in the brick row houses as the sun slowly sets. It was cold, but not an uncomfortable cold, but enough to keep you alert and let you know it really was winter. When I got back on campus, I laid down on a bench and just watched the sky change from blue, to navy and finally to black, it was about 6 when I finally went back inside. After dinner and going to the gym I found out I had made the first cut in the job I applied for, my interview is Sunday. I’m excited and nervous; I’ve never applied for a job before and I know I’m going up against people whose credentials and work experience far outpace mine. Another added stress is that I found out that Mark is one of my competitors for the job. He’s actually going for three jobs while I’m going for one. Hopefully we both get hired, but if I don’t, I probably will be disappointed but not crushed.

Thursday night we went out to the gay club for college night. It was a blast, Me, Mark, Maudry and a bunch of people from the first floor went and stayed from about midnight until 2. I danced with a guy who I recognized from campus but didn’t know the name of. He was cute and smelled like sex but he’s a senior. He’s a great dancer though haha, I got his name after we danced twice. As if the club itself wasn’t enough excitement for the night, when we left I thought I had lost my dorm and house key and had a panic for a while. When I got back to my room however I found my key, it turns out I had left it on my desk the whole time…fail.

I don’t have class Fridays so I just met people for breakfast this morning and ended up staying in the dining hall for two hours. My friend “A” had been trying to court Zach for quite some time and as usual he was there. A was worried though that Zach is uninterested or just really oblivious since she had been obviously very blatant about her intentions yet he doesn’t seem to be responding. Honestly I just think he’s a bit too intense with his studies and his love life has been put on the far back burner. That afternoon I went for another walk today but I cut it short since it was just too cold and windy today for another long walk. Tonight I spent the night with people from the 4th floor and we played Kart and watched The Hangover. It was good but while everyone was laughing I merely smiled for the most part. The humour in that movie just didn’t really appeal to me for some reason.

I don’t know what the rest of the weekend holds in store. Me and a few friends are going to Baked and Wired for a dinner and cupcake outing tomorrow night and I don’t know what I want to do for the night. Sunday will probably be spent excited/terrified until 2:40 when I have my interview. I want this job so bad! I must stay relaxed, I don’t think they want to hire a panicked mess which I am on the inside right now.

I think what’s causing me all this restless energy is just that it’s too much stuff all at once. Everything is moving so fast yet I don’t feel it. Being able to grasp the idea of time was one thing I always held on dearly to. It keeps be grounded, organized and comfortable, now that some of it has been removed I’m restless and anxious.

Nevertheless, it’s time to step up to the plate; problem is, I don’t know if I’m ready even though I know I need to be.

Wish me luck,

JP

Coffee, Books, and Time

Five things around me right now:

1. My Glasses
2. A Coffee Shop
3. My Business Statistics Textbook
4. Overachieving students studying in the library at 7PM
5. A hot Lacrosse player wearing a Buffalo Bills sweatshirt

Five things I want right now:

1. Aforementioned hot lacrosse player to sit at my table
2. A pair of Sennheiser HD202 headphones
3. For my homework to just do itself
4. For someone to notice me beyond the “friends” sense, and if there is someone, for them to come out of the woodwork and say “hi”.
5. Snow, and none of that “dusting to an inch” crap


Dashboard Confessional - Stolen

Ten things about me (idiosyncrasies, habits, favorites, etc):

1. I have to wear a watch, otherwise my wrist feels naked
2. I have to wear my crew ring, otherwise my finger feels naked
3. I’m becoming increasingly lactose intolerant, it sucks since I love dairy products
4. I like dorky guys, but cute or hot dorky guys (example – hot nerdy jock with black rimmed glasses sitting at the next table over yesterday in the library…I couldn’t concentrate on accounting at all)
5. I’ve put on 6 pounds of muscle in the past month and a half, I’m hoping to reach 10 pounds by spring break.
6. I’m wearing a horse shaped silly band Maria gave to me on new year’s eve
7. I love pickles, especially the “zesty” variety with red pepper and garlic
8. I’m not as innocent as I come across as
9. I’m over Glee Guy and Zach and I’m better with Mark
10. I could live a happy life eating only fried chicken, mashed potatoes and nutella.

One thing on my bucket list:

1. To have a kiss in the pouring rain The Notebook style.



Ryan Gosling optional, but preferred.

I’m procrastinating my work if you can’t tell...

JP

Reservation for "Fail"?

People can be bitches; that’s something I’ve known and just accepted as a part of life for years. Friday was supposed to be an elementary school reunion for my sixth grade graduating class. A few weeks back my friend Maria sent out an invitation to about 30 or so people and the response was a healthy 20 or so saying they were attending. The weeks passed and the excitement grew; I was going to see people I haven’t heard from in 7 or 8 years. Have they changed? Will I recognize them? Those questions were in my mind and Maria’s.

As the date drew near however I became more skeptical, Facebook events, especially those posted weeks prior are notorious to initial excitement and last minute cancellations. The initial reservation at Maggiano’s Tysons Galleria was for 25, which was then reduced to 18 though I was expecting even less. I expressed my concerns but who knows, maybe people will actually be excited to show up.

The evening of, I donned my new suit, tossed on a coloured shirt and a pair of chucks so it wouldn’t be too formal and headed to dinner. Maria and I carpooled and were the first to arrive. The hostess told us to come in when 12 people had arrived so we waited. At 8 who friends did arrive, we were excited to see each other, there were plenty of “hi”s and hugs but then the waiting continued. We waited, waited and waited until it was 8:40. 40 minutes after our initial reservation we realized that no more people had shown up. We called some people and the bullshit began to flow like a river.

“Something came up” – wow, aren’t you creative?

“I forgot” – uhhh, unless you’ve cut off communication for the last five days, enough messages were sent that even the most unobservant person in the world would have known.

“Ummmm, errr, yeah…” – yeah, keep struggling.

It was decided that we weren’t going to Maggianos and instead we went to the Olive Garden (down-grade much? lol). I wanted to tell the hostess that we have to cancel but I didn’t in the end; I felt so guilty afterwards, it was horrible. They have my number too from when I initially made the reservation so I’m probably blacklisted on their server now. Yikes.

Dinner among the four of us was nice though; I learned that four people had gotten pregnant and that a surprising number of people had gone to community college or not at all. I knew that my elementary school was “ghetto” by county standards but that still caught me off guard. We talked, dined and shared a few laughs, it was nice, but it would have been nicer if people didn’t flake out on us.

With the reunion a disappointment I went back to campus and with the guys out at a movie I joined the girls in their room who were all drunk or very tipsy at that point. I brought my bottle from my room and joined them in their revelry, by midnight we were all laughing and playing “never have I ever” while they tried to pry secrets out of a drunken me, thankfully that’s hard to do. Around 12:30 the guys returned and we went to my room for drunken Mario Kart. We polished off a bottle of wine and half a bottle of gin by 1:30. We were having a great time and everything was fantastically carefree, just like how hanging out with friends should be. Nobody got sick and by 2:30 everyone went back to their own rooms.

Saturday was a continuation of Friday night sans the alcohol. That afternoon we went out to the Spy Museum, the National Archives to see the Constitution, Declaration of Independence and Bill of Rights and ended up walking around the national mall. We had a night in and watched SNL and played more Mario Kart that night, we had enough from the night before.

*shit, I started this post this afternoon and now it’s 5AM*

My roommate went out tonight and went hard. He’s passed out on his bed with the lights still on and the TV still loud and blaring. I’m pretty sure he smoked something in addition to drinking tonight, and I'm not talking about tobacco, gah. Well, his life choices aren’t in my responsibility and he can do whatever he wants, he'll just have to deal with the results of hid actions on his own later.

I need to finish up a job application tomorrow and do a good amount of readings for Tuesday and Wednesday, not looking forward to it.

Night Y’all.

A Fresh Start

I arrived back on campus Tuesday to a nice coat of snow on the ground and to the start of a new semester. I've met 4 of my 5 professors so far and things seem pretty good so far. They don't seem to quite have the unique personalities and openness last semester's professors did, but it's too early to tell or pass judgement. From what I've seen, there's lots more reading this time round compared to the fall so I have a feeling I'll be in the library a lot. My course load this time around is sociology, ethics, intro to critical methods and a few business courses.

I had my first accounting class yesterday and my first Business statistics class today and it's interesting to see just how these classes will likely form the basis for my future and career. If I asked myself when I was 5, 10 or even 15 I never would have said that I wanted to go into business and finance but now that I'm in college things have changed. I don't have to declare a major until the end of my sophomore year so I if I feel that the current route I'm on doesn't suit me I still have the chance to alter my final decision.

Why do I want to study business? I want to go into it not only because it deals with money but I have dreams to actually make an impact and change the idea that businesses are cold, pressed and starched entities willing to trample over friends and enemies alike in search of a profit. In my mind, the purpose of businesses is to give back to society, whether it be services or charity; even the biggest business wouldn't be where they are without some sort of trust from its clients. With people and the news only focusing on corruption and failings of companies, the view people have of such an important part of society is terribly tarnished, and I feel it's now up to my generation to help clean that up.

Hey, everyone has to have dreams, no? Why else are my parents spending $50K+ a year to send me to school? I think they're expecting some villa in the South of Spain one day...

I'm hoping to use this semester to refine my study habits and myself as a whole. Unlike high school I now get the opportunity to get a whole new set of classes every 5 months or so which will keep me on my toes; I'm hoping for a good spring semester.

Now that I'm finally settled in I should give you guys a peek into my life here at college. I've been blogging from my room a lot mostly when my roommate is out so I should probably show you the headquarters of the guy whose writing you're reading.

My desk, I'm so glad there's plenty of shelving

My desk again. I'm taking sociology this semester; the books are yet to be unwrapped though.

My roommate's desk and our TV. It was gift from my roommate's aunt to us. I brought my GameCube from home after break; my roommate and I have promised each other we're going to play drunken Mario Kart Double Dash one day.

My bed

I saw this magnetic board at IKEA and had to get it. The mask is from Halloween; I went as a masquerade baller.

Hoped you enjoyed the tour!

All the best,

JP

Dammit

Fuck. No no no no no, I will not let this happen. I refuse. I've worked too hard for everything to fail so quickly.

Begone tempter, your song shall not make me steer my ship off course onto your rocky shore and to a certain end.

Relapsing is not an option.

The Brothers I Never Had

“Hey Man”
-“What’s up? Do you know where we’re sitting?” I said
“Yeah, I think we’re sitting here”

I was surrounded by people who I haven’t seen since the summer yet the scene felt too familiar. Maybe it’s because I only ever see them when we’re out to dinner. In front of me are family friends I have to call my aunts and uncles and to either side my eerily similar cousins, seemingly meant-to-be brothers that have to make due with an entire branch of the family tree shoved between them. They’re older than me, have lives of their own, jobs, nice cars...they’re where my parent’s expect me to be in ten years.

My cousins Mike and Jay begin talking about computers as food starts coming out of the kitchen. I don’t really give a damn about overclocking this or 9 terabytes of memory that, I’ve learned to just filter out that fluff. I began to take a sip of tea.

“Dude, do you live on campus?”
-“Huh?... Yeah, you and Mike didn’t though right? You went to school near home”
“Yup, how many roommates do you have”
-“Just one” I said as I picked at the roast duck on my plate
“Are the floors co-ed?”
-“Yeah”
“Damn, that’s some awesome shit right there, so do the girls live in the same hall as you?”
-“No, I live in an all-guys branch”
“Damn that sucks, are any of them hot? The girls I mean”
-“uhhh, I guess” I was sliding around a scallion on my plate, trying desperately to avoid eye contact.

I realized then that the next two hours weren’t going to be the casual dinner I had hoped tonight would be. To the rest of my family, and especially my cousins, I will always be the baby, the youngest not only of my generation but of the entire family. I’m like a toy, something to be played around with, questions, questions everywhere, “what classes are you taking?” “Are you eating well?” “Do you have a girlfriend?’

“Wait, do you have a girlfriend?” inquired Mike

My body stiffened

-“haha, no” I said quietly
“Mike, I think he’s hiding something”

I coughed as an icy feeling consumed my body in an instant

-“what?”
“I think you’re right, Jay”
“JP, have you had sex yet?”
-“I guess not”

At that point the soup course came out, I was relieved beyond reason that the conversation would have a break. For a not so brief moment I was afraid they had figured out my secret. Ironically, the most liberal members of my family are among the last people I want to find out that I’m gay. Jay’s the sex crazed party boy while Mike’s well, Mike. I’m closer to him than any of my other cousins. They’re cool guys and I’m sure even if I did come out to them they’d be fine with it but I’m not taking any chances; they’re the brothers I never had.

“Dude, don’t worry about it, be picky with your first, I didn’t fuck until I was 21, after that, the floodgates opened” Jay said with a laugh.

I hoped that wasn't a double entendre.

“JP, you have a ton of girls all over your Facebook page though”
-“Yeah, most of them are friends I’ve known for years”
“Best place to start, they have friends and stuff, they can guide their friends your way, they know you. You should use them, they can’t all be in a relationship”

I was scraping the bottom of my bowl for imaginary broth at this point. I felt like I was watching a table tennis match, except I was the ball, volleyed in conversation between two 28 year olds who are trying to get their little cousin laid. Uncomfortable doesn’t begin to describe it.

-“Haha, I think I can manage my own love life”

Lie.

“Don’t be shy man, at a place like your school there are tons of hot chicks; you’re lucky you get to live on campus”

The next round of food rolled out and thankfully if there is one thing Asian families are even more skilled at than prying that would be eating. It’s been less than an hour since we got to the restaurant but it’s felt like days. The conversations changed topic for the time being, my aunts and uncles began to grill my cousins about their own love lives. “When are you going to get married?”, “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?”, “You’re not even trying”, “We want grandchildren”.

Ah, the request that always works its way into family dinners. One good thing about being the young one is that I can dodge this question for the time being, my 28 year old cousins on the other hand, not so much. Jay, the party boy who just spent $500 to restock his bar just wants to have fun and enjoy his twenties, or what remains of it, and Mike’s just not ready yet. I think he enjoys being single.

In a few years I’ll probably will be posed with that same question as increasingly elderly relatives begin to pester me about my lack of a girlfriend. “You’re not even trying” “We want more grandchildren”

“So what do you do on campus in your spare time”
-“I try to go to the gym at least every other day, I can get you in to the complex if you want, they’re family passes”
“Dude, sick, can you do Wednesday? I can find tons of girls for you at the gym”

My eyes rolled

-“I’ll check my schedule, just text me”

My mom calls for us to come over at from the next table. The three of us begin the short walk over when I’m gestured over to Jay.

“Hey, look at the table over there, there are tons of girls you could date”

Would you know it, there were quite a few very pretty Asian girls at the table over at their own party. I think it was a practice wedding reception. They had a photographer. I just nodded in recognition avoiding prolonging the conversation; it worked.

A single candle was lit and we began to sing in the disjointed, out of tune way only a Chinese family can do.

Happy 60th birthday Auntie, may there be many more to come.

All Gay Guys Are Weaklings

Stereotypes fascinate me. I hate them as much as I want to learn more about them whenever I can. Being an amalgamation of many different minority and cultural groups (First generation Asian, Gay, only child and “Southern American” to name a few) I’ve personally heard and experienced many ideas and notions attributed onto me. What makes stereotypes so interesting to me is seeing the history of how the stereotype evolved, following it from its genesis to the present day. Many stereotypes that exist today have roots that date back decades or centuries, so the fact that such anachronistic notions can continue to exist and even thrive in the 21st century baffles and intrigues me.

Probably the most memorable experience I’ve had regarding stereotyping was when I was on the National Mall. I was with some of my friends when a Midwestern family approached me and the father asked me with a nasally drawl reminiscent of a congested elephant, “Doooo youuu knowww wu-aire-r theee Na-turr-ull Heee-stuuur-y Mu-see-um eees?” (translation – “do you know where the Natural History Museum is?”, one of the museums that is part of the Smithsonian complex that border the National Mall here in DC). After giving a blank stare back for a second in shock and the family exchanging a brief “maybe he doesn’t speak English” shrug, I responded with “It’s down the national mall and will be on your left; it’s the somewhat austere building with the grand stairway and the inevitable long line going down the sidewalk.” followed then by a laugh while the parents shuffled away somewhat flustered. The best part of that exchange however was the apology by the teenage daughter to me for her parents, apparently they do that all the time; that made me smile.

Thankfully that whole exchange ended on a positive note but that’s not how things always end. Since first coming out a few years ago, I’ve become increasingly interested in stereotypes that affect the LGBTQ community. I personally disagree with many stereotypes on a personal level because I feel that they don’t apply to me, yet I realize that every stereotype has some basis in truth so I also decided I should take a more objective approach to things as well.

The stereotypes I tend to focus on are those pertaining to gay males since I’m part of that group. I’ve narrowed it down to my top 5 stereotypes that I find to be the most important or influential for whatever reason. Yes, there are many, many more, but those will be relegated to another day or post.

Stereotype 1 – Gay men are promiscuous and only think about sex: True. As can be said of all adolescents, 99% of young adults and 98% of all other males. We're all horny mofos. Okay, so maybe not all the time but you get my point. Sex is in-built into the human mind; our biological goal in life is to pass on our genes to the next generation. It’s that drive that also explains why parents are willing to sacrifice their own lives for their children, why it’s been proven that men are more open to sexual encounters with multiple partners and why humans are constantly obsessing over physical attractiveness – it supposedly indicates fertility and “good genes”. Whether people want to admit it or not, we all think about sex every day, multiple times a day. So why is the gay community and specifically gay men attributed this stereotype above so many others? Well, like how when a celebrity eating a burger makes the front page or anything political gets blown out of proportion, I blame the media. We like to be shocked; the taboo draws our attention like a flame draws a fly to an impending doom, so when reporting on the gay community it’s not about community outreach or new businesses but the skin fest at clubs, drag queens and sex. It isn’t that prostitutes and promiscuity doesn’t exist in the heterosexual community, it’s just not equally acknowledged. Things have improved lately however, partially for good reasons partially for bad. The media has become more objective in their views but recently anything “gay” is about the fight for equal rights and unfortunately the suicides of gay teenagers. I have a feeling that this stereotype will continue well into the future but things are changing.

Stereotype 2 – Gay men are pansies: Okay, I won’t lie that I’ve known some pretty wimpy gay guys; guys who are afraid of the tiniest bugs, haven’t touched a piece of sports equipment in their lives and refuse to get a little dirty for the purpose of achieving some goal, but they are in a very small minority. I’ve met gay and bi football players, lacrosse players and I’m a former gay rower. Any sport requires more effort as well as mental and physical toughness than people seem to recognize, so calling those people pansies is just sad. Most gay guys I know also don’t blink an eye at spiders and bugs; sure, I’ll look and say “ew”, but I’ll then proceed to obliterate the bastard with a 10 lb. statistics textbook. The stereotype that gay guys are weaklings and pansies is mostly false in my mind. Sure, some gay guys might have differing interests but same can be said of any group, gay or straight.

Stereotype 3 – Gay guys have lisps, limp wrists and elbows and say “fierce” and “fabulous” a lot: Some guys do, but for the most part no. I don’t personally. I actually a bit of a vendetta against the world “fierce” since I heard it so much in middle school I wanted to plug my ears with wax. I will say that these traits are a good compass to finding very openly gay guys but for most guys, you will need to be much more perceptive, we all aren’t Christian Siriano. Moving on.

Stereotype 4 – Gay guys are obsessed with appearance: Okay, I’ll give way here somewhat. If I’m going out or meeting with friends I do like to make sure I look clean and well put together. I don’t obsess over small details but giving a good impression of myself is important to me. I don’t obsess much over the details though, mostly it’s things that I do as part of a normal routine; I want to be clean shaven, my hair to not be in disarray and my clothes to look like I didn’t just toss on what was on my bedroom floor (if I’m just hanging around at home all rules no longer apply lol). Obsess is a strong word for what I think is something that everyone should be doing anyways. Your appearance matters a lot, people judge you very heavily based on initial contact (It's called the primacy effect for those interested in Psychology) so looking put together is something that should be a second thought for everyone. It does seem that gay guys do place a greater emphasis on appearance though from what I’ve seen.

Stereotype 5 – Gays are horrible parents and are all child molesters: I grouped two stereotypes into one here because they are relatively closely linked. This stereotype bothers me the most out of all the ones given to the LGBTQ community. Many arguments have been made that gay families are dysfunctional or cannot effectively raise children because of the lack of a father or mother figure; well, that’s wrong in my mind. Saying that gay families can’t raise children for that reason means that single parents, many military families and some families with professional backgrounds that require constant travel also can’t properly raise children. Sure, a mom and a dad are good, but it isn’t the determining factor as to whether or not a child grows up to be “normal”. What’s more important is that children have a loving family and environment to grow up in regardless of the sexuality of those raising them. Having a stable family with two moms or two dads is infinitely better than a traditional heterosexual family that’s plagued with drug problems, feuding parents or even worse, apathetic parents. Studies have been conducted and have shown that children raised by gay families don’t turn out any different than those raised by heterosexual parents or turn out “gay” like some have suggested. The second part of this stereotype confuses me even more than the first. Yes, there are pedophiles who happen to be gay, but aren’t there straight pedophiles too? Why is this image placed on the gay community and not on the straight community? Pedophiles are pedophiles and they're disgusting no regardless. It’s likely due to the media in my mind but it’s something I want to look into some more historically.

These five stereotypes barely scratch the surface of ones that are given to LGBTQ folk but are just the ones I find to be most interesting for personal reasons. These were just my thoughts on some of these stereotypes and reflect only my personal views and convictions. Given how fascinating I think stereotyping is I’m contemplating turning this into a possible set of posts. I want to hear your opinions though; what do you think of some of the stereotypes I’ve mentioned and also those I have not? Are they justified? Which one do you like or dislike the most?

Keep it classy,

JP

Dance With Me

Spending hours sharing funny youtube links = the most laughs I've had in weeks. I love my friends.

Late night music?

Taio Cruz and Travie McCoy - Higher (remix)

Oh, and have a few laughs as well

A Reintroduction

It’s officially a new year, and for many of us that means a fresh start. I want to take this opportunity to reintroduce myself. Lots has changed since the last time I did one of these reintroductions but now is probably one of the better times to do so. In the five or so months I’ve reached the 50 follower mark, started school and embarked on a journey into new, uncharted waters, namely leaving home and going to college. I’ve matured, met many new people and have done things I never had previously ever imagined I would be doing. So please, come get to know this enigma of a teenager through his eyes and then hopefully you shall form your own views of him on your own as well.

Hi, my name’s JP. I’m a 20 year old student currently attending university in the Washington DC area. A little about myself, I was born in DC way back in the early 90s and lived there for the first 4 or so years of my life before moving into the suburbs. I attended school in some of the top public schools in the US where I made friendships and memories that will hopefully last a lifetime. High School saw the biggest change for me developmentally and emotionally; it was during these years that I came to recognize and more importantly accept myself.

I did a lot of things during my high school years; I joined crew and rowed for two years, something I miss doing today though hopefully will change come spring. I had my first crush; I took challenging courses that pushed me to the limits of my sanity, and I graduated near the top of my class and as a scholar athlete for the 09-10 season. Most importantly though, it was during high school that I came out to myself, a select group of friends, and my mom. My coming out to my mom probably wasn’t the best in the world, but you can dig around the archives if you want to learn more about that. She deserved to know sooner to later, it probably should have been later in retrospect.

As for my family, I’m an only child in an Asian household apart from our adopted Jack Russell Terrier “Max”. He is a lazy bum most of the time but that just makes him even more adorable. I have a good relationship with my mom; we do many things together and like to talk about a lot of things with each other. Sure, we argue from time to time as is mandated in all teenager-parent relationship contracts but in the end we’re still very good friends. My relationship with my dad has always been more distant. For the most part I only saw him 3-4 days a week and now that I’m in college that has shrunk to maybe once or twice a month. We’re close, but more of a silently recognized close rather than one expressed through throwing a football on the lawn (never happened) or building things in the garage (also never happened).

So, who am I, the boy whose scribbling on life you’re reading about? I’m admittedly hard to describe. Something that hasn’t changed in the past 5 months since I last did a reintroduction post is how I view myself and I think I best summed it up last August – “Personality wise I’m a bit of a mish mosh of southern hospitality, northern wit and attitude with a dash of courtesy seemingly pulled from a time of yore. Some would say this hospitality is anachronistic in this day and age, but hey, it’ll never go out of fashion as far as I’m concerned. I respect all as long as you respect me. I’m a generally quiet person, in fact, you might even go as far as call me shy if you were just meeting me but get past this stage and you’ll find me to be actually pretty engaging. While hardly a party animal, I can, will, and do let loose when the time is right. "Work hard, play harder" is my motto. I love to laugh and make other people laugh, anything to brighten the day of someone who needs some brightening.” Brilliant use of copy-paste, eh? Haha

An edit I would make to that though is that I feel that I have become more open and social since entering college. I’ve been exposed to so many new people and views that being more direct and holding back less on my opinions is pretty much mandatory now.

As for who I am physically, well that shall remain a mystery apart from a few details I’m willing to share. I’m around 5’9”-5’10” (I still don’t know which to be honest) and am slim to a moderately athletic build. I’m hoping to be more towards the second by spring. Considering my mom is only 5’1”, I’m quite glad I turned out as tall as I did haha. I have short to medium black hair and am rather tan than due to many years of being outdoors and for the last two years, crew. I’m a bit of a night owl (lies, I’m a total night owl, it’s 2:32 AM right now) and I do my best work after 10PM at night. Sure, it isn’t very healthy but whatever.

I don’t know what I would classify myself as in the social groupings of teenage or collegiate society. Am I a nerd? Am I a prep? Am I a jock? Well, none of the above. I’m a mix of many things I guess, despite how clichéd that sounds. I don’t limit myself by classifying myself into a group since I’m not exclusively anything. I’m friends with people from multiple clusters of society since I befriend people for who they are rather than what they represent. In the days of yore (aka elementary, middle, and early high school) I was more heavily a nerd than anything, and I think, or rather I know that I still am at heart.

So what are some of my interests? The two main things that get me the most excited would have to be cars and cooking. I still don’t know when my love for these two began but whether I like it or not they both play a large role in my life. I find cooking to be especially important to me as not only does it allow me to de-stress, but it’s also something I can continually cultivate and grow. There’s an entire globe with billions of people whose cultures can be seen through their food and that’s something I’m really in to. I like cooking as much as I do because not only does it provide a window into the lives of those who prepare it, but also because I get such a sense of accomplishment from seeing piles of raw ingredients almost magically transform through meticulous cutting, mixing, sprinkling and cooking into some finished product that I can look at and say, “wow, I made that”. It’s those moments of accomplishment found in cooking, school or whatever that get me through life and make it worth living.

As for my love of cars and all things automotive, the connection between man and machine that driving provides is exhilarating to me. I’m not sure why but I just love it. Some of my other interests include music, reading, going to the gym, and business, which is also what I’m studying in school.

One thing that hasn’t changed in the past five months is that I still haven’t been in a relationship. I’m still not out to everyone though I have become more open about my sexuality since going to college. I’ve met a few guys, had my crushes, and had my heartaches, but in the end, you just have to push through them no matter how much it hurts or how badly you want to cling to the past. I still would love to be in a relationship though; it’s something I’ve always wanted and still do. I like guys who are slightly taller than me (5’10” to about 6’1” give or take a few inches) and are slim or athletic in body type (again, flexible to a point). I like someone who has a sense of humour, is smart, can carry on a conversation, and most importantly has a sense of being their own person and not feel that they have to conform to the demands of society that tell him who he has to be. I also have a thing for slightly dorky guys, someone who is in touch with their nerdy intellectual side. Glasses are also hot if they suit the him well. Someone who shares some of my interests also would be nice but I think that someone who has a good amount of differing interests is good since that can open up many new things and ideas for both of us.

Wow, this is getting to be quite a lengthy post. Well, whether you’re a long term follower or a brand new reader, I hope that reading this has helped you get a better idea as to who I am. I started this blog back in 2009 as a way of expressing in writing things that I wouldn’t tell to anyone in real life. It was an outlet for me and it remains so to this day. I don’t want this post to be how you see me exclusively though. It’s best for you to create your own view as to who I am through my writings and things I share over time. I’m like a kaleidoscope that way in a sense. I’m a different person to different people, and with each slight movement or rotation the beads of who I am rearrange themselves into a new intriguing pattern. In the end however, I’m still those beads no matter which way they fall and how they are reflected. View me from whatever angle you would like, the multiple facets to my personality and who I am as a person are what makes me unique, and hopefully in your mind makes my blog worth reading.

So once again, welcome to my blog, or if you’re a returning reader, welcome back. I hope you will enjoy going on this voyage with me into uncharted waters as we discover whatever surprises lie waiting up ahead. I look forward to sharing with you my life experiences and views on this extraordinary world as I hope you will with me as well.

Thanks for reading, and I hope you hear more from you in the future.

All the best,

JP