Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Sometimes to help clear your mind and get over something you just need to escape. “Take a trip somewhere; go home, even if it is just for a few hours” my friend said. It was so simple, so clear, so obvious I didn’t even bother to consider it an option.
I need to escape, get away from this campus, even if it just for a few hours. I miss my dog, my mom, my house, my bed. I miss the food, the greenery of suburbia. I miss the lawns, the familiar faces I saw and knew as I grew up. I miss a lot of things.
I’m going home, just for the evening. I’ll be back by night. I need to stop worrying, stop debating with myself, stop trying to rationalize anything and everything I do and just go back to my safe zone.
I’m going home, just for a few hours. I’m going to sit down to dinner, play with my dog, take in the clean air.
I’m not going to worry, I’m not going to fret, I’m going to be content.
I miss that too.
-Worth the trip in every way.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
A song I've become addicted to lately. Something about it just makes me calm down, even if my mind is running at a mile a minute, this song reins me in and makes me take a breath.
I really want to see Cartel live one day; they sound amazing in concert from the videos I've seen, a tall order when talent is often the product of clever computer programs.
I only have one class tomorrow at 3, I can finally sleep in.
Mark's working on Arabic; he's exhausted but probably won't be sleeping for a while. I want to give him a hug, but I won't for too many reasons.
He's still on my mind.
It's not worth it. It is worth it.
Il n'y rien que je peux faire de lui aider, et ca me blessé
Sunday, October 24, 2010
A lot of things have been racing through my mind lately. Maybe it's because it's autumn, and like the seasons being in transition so am I also in a transition period. Then again it could be because it was the full moon two days ago and the discredited psychologists are right and it does have an effect on the human mind. Regardless of all of this, I wasn't myself this morning and I simply needed some outlet, thus the rather downhearted, despondent post.
Simply writing it served its purpose though, I felt better, much better in fact after being able to put my frustrations into words. Things have been hectic to say the least, I really wish I could go into more detail but it's something I don't think I'm ready to tell, even to complete strangers.
I've saved that post though, and maybe I'll look back on it and see that it was just a silly venting exercise, or, that maybe it actually is worth sharing. As for now, I'm going to put it away; it really did show me at one of my true lows.
One part of that post I would keep is the ending. My recent string of posts have been rather depressing in nature and I'm sorry about that. I started this blog as a way to be able to express what I otherwise couldn't or wouldn't to people in real life, strangers or my best friends, and so far it has helped. One and a half years on, I still think this was one of the best decisions I've made in a while.
Here's a small excerpt from this morning that explains why I have this blog.
"For years, I came to be the person my friends would turn to talk to whenever something was on their mind. I took all those words and emotions without a word of complaint even though sometimes they would end up weighing me down as well. Why? Because I know that if they could just talk things out with someone who would actually listen, they would feel better and go about their lives that much happier, and if I have to carry those concerns for them for that to happen, I would, because that’s all I know to do, and if my friends are happier, I’m happier.
When I look back at what I’ve said on this blog, I realize that pretty much everything said here is what I’ve always wanted to say in person but never could."
As I said, maybe in the future I'll re-post the whole thing in its entirety, but now is not the time for that.
I recently also told a second friend about my blog. She's a good friend of mine and has one of the biggest hearts I've ever come across. She's also good friends with Mark as well as a few other people I've mentioned. If you're reading this, and you know who you are, thank you.
I should get started on my work.
All the best,
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Are you okay, alright.
Mark, what has happened to you? The way you’ve been the last few weeks.
No, this isn’t about my stupid school boy crush on you. It’s about you.
You’ve changed Mark, and I’m sorry, but it wasn’t for the better. You’ve really hurt me Mark and I don’t know why.
When I first met you, you were drunk out of your mind. I just happened to run into you with a group of friends as you were stumbling up the hill to the front lawn in front of the upperclassmen apartments.
I didn’t know your name, who you were, which floor you lived on, heck, I didn’t even know you were a freshman. All I knew was, you needed help. We (me and my friends), rounded you up and calmed you down. It was mid September at that time and you were wearing that blue checked shirt I still see you wear from time to time. We got you to sit down, I learned your name and then after you insisted about wanting to go out more, I helped you up, and then back down a flight of metal stairs at that apartment complex. You had to lean on me down those stairs because you had had so much already. You commented on how I “had a nice back and shoulders” that night too, you were a funny drunk.
I still even remember those words you said that night “I’ve only had twelve, I need at least fifteen to blackout” and when I asked where you were going, you said “I’m lone wolfing it, I always do”
Granted, I see now that wasn’t probably the best first impression I got of you, but that was how we first met.
Two weeks later, I went to the first pregame in your room. Afterwards we went out. I had six shots after you sort of forced me into doing them with you but I obliged thinking nothing of it.
What I didn’t know at that time, Mark, was that my opinion of you would change forever that night.
That night you came out to me and Maudry, and we talked about it all the way until 5:30AM. We talked about how your homophobic high school experience scarred you for life, how stereotypes annoy you more than they even annoy me, and how you wanted a fresh start in College, to come out as who you were and not have to hide, but you were afraid you were just going to keep postponing it, over and over again.
But what struck me the most about that night, however, wasn’t that you came out to me, but that in that couch, talking to me and Maudry, I saw who you truly were. You were so genuine, candid, so inexplicably real I almost forgot how human emotion could exist at such levels. It was beautiful. It was heartbreaking.
That night, Mark, changed how I looked at you forever. I saw the real Mark, and I was glad.
That same night, you also said how much you hated “fakes”, how much you wanted people to just be real, genuine, to just take off their mask and present themselves to the world not as what you say yourself to be, but rather who they really were. Those words resonated with me as I too yearn for the day people would just stop pretending and be genuine for once in this airbrushed, painted over world.
That night I was happy for two reasons. One was because I thought I has finally found someone who was genuine in this world, and two, because I had thought I had made a great friend.
Mark, do you know why I wanted to talk?
It’s because I’m frustrated, Mark, frustrated with myself and disappointed with you. No, disappointed is the wrong word, I’m not disappointed, I’m…I don’t even know.
The Mark I met that night is gone. Hidden behind a mask. Why? Well, you’d have to answer that question.
Mark, what happened? You’ve changed, and not for the better. What happened to the genuine, sweet person I met that September night?
When we got together Wednesday, you called me a “slut”, you know what, that’s not cool with me. First, I’m not, and while I realize you probably said it in jest, it still hurt. I ignored it, but I don’t know if I can. The first night we got together, I was so happy, happy, because you felt so comfortable around me to do something like that. But now I see that you were just using me, those library get togethers, “fortune favouring the unbold” after my roommate turned the corner when we were in the doorway of my room about to kiss for the first time and how you were glad we delayed it as much as we did. Those were all lies, you just wanted to use me like some toy, something to play around with, to use to solve your own frustrations.
Last night, I went to your room to pregame again, I gave you your space, I warned you that your room was loud enough to hear form down the hall and that for your own sake it should be quieted down a little, little things to make sure you wouldn’t get in trouble in the end.
As 10:30 rolled around, and things started to wind down, you asked me how many drinks I had, I had five, “hah, you’re Asian, you can’t hold your liquor” you replied. No Mark, trust me, I can hold my liquor, and coming from someone who I found hunched over his sink vomiting one night, I wouldn’t be talking. I respect my limits, unlike some people who don’t.
But the boldest thing you did last night was to abandon me and my friend in his dorm so you could go to a party with two other people. Your “secret conversation” in your dorm, hah, I call bullshit.
We ended up going to a theatre production where I met up with true friends, people who don’t judge, don’t abandon, and actually enjoy each other's company. I had a ball, and when I found out that your little party failed and wouldn’t let you guys in, I felt a sense of victory. And afterwards, as I was coming back to the dorms and I saw you guys heading out again, I hoped that your search would prove fruitless. When I saw you an hour later, I realized I was right, and I laughed, because it’s the small victories that count.
Mark, I’m not angry at you, I’m frustrated at myself, frustrated that I can never seem to find anything that will just give me some sense of happiness and satisfaction for just one fleeting moment.
You’re a great guy, I just wish that one day you will look back at this and realize that you’re better than this. I want the real Mark back, not this image you feel you need to conform to unconsciously or not.
I wish you the best as I always have, because I’m not a spiteful individual, I’m a friend as I always have been, I just hope you recognize that.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
In my last post about a week ago I talked about how me and Mark had a talk and I admitted that I had a grade-school crush on him and that went on so that we both said how neither of us were really each others type. Well, I felt a little bummed but nevertheless I wasn't totally crushed after. Well, what I left out was that after out conversation we ended up hooking up. Yeah, I know. Talk about taking the whole "let's be friends" things and fucking around with it 10 seconds later.
That whole situation confused the heck out of me but I ended up just seeing it as the end of whatever could have been between us. I gave him some space the next few days.
Well, yesterday I ended up having a quiet night in terms of homework as did Mark and we ended up chatting on Facebook. After some time of awkwardly saying how his roommate would be out for some time and that we both weren't busy, he asked if I wanted to come over to his room. Well, I guess you can imagine I accepted. When I got there we chatted for a while and he said that he felt slutty for always ending up meeting each other but then said how we both benefited as well (he used an international relations analogy, it was strangly appealing and so nerdy at the same time). He mentioned again that I wasn't really his type and him mine but we both digressed. We ended up hooking up again, this time in his room, he was being really cautious, afraid his roommate would come back despite his word he wouldn't be back for a while, and turned on music to create background noise but that ended up making things more exciting in the end. Damn, did that just happen? Now I feel slutty.
I asked him if he would consider going further with a guy but he said he wasn't at that point yet. After all was done, he admitted in a really cute way that after he finishes, he always looks stoned since he turns bright red and his eyes become slightly bloodshot. He then said he would find me a date which I then retorted that he should find himself one first. I laughed and said goodnight at that point.
I'm so confused by this all. Even though we both have said that neither of us were each other's type and that we would probably just stay friends, we always manage to find ourselves together. I'm so tempted to just say "hey, I know that this might be a stretch for you and also for me, but why don't we give it a try and go out some time, and if things don't work out, we can go back to being friends?" I'm afraid that if he accepts but things don't work out, things will just end up being awkward and that I will have residual feelings for him.
So many traps!
Anyways, in other news, things have been going pretty well. I got back what I thought was a truly crappy paper but got an A- on it, yay! I also recently turned in a theology paper and took my first Calc test, hopefully things will go well for those as well. Last night I also went to go see the theatre group's production of Arsenic and Old Lace which was hysterical, especially since a few of my friends were in the show itself. Things have calmed down a little finally after a few days of work overload so I'm enjoying having some down time though I should get a jump on next week's work.
Enjoy your weekend,
Thursday, October 14, 2010
I'm not going to lie and say that I'm not a little disappointed and upset that things had to turn out like this way, but life goes on. At least I now know this now and can try and move on, rather than staying put and digging myself a deeper and deeper hole of false hope. I do wish him all the best, he's a great guy and I only want the best for him, with whoever that may be in the end.
As a result of this exchange, I have gotten thinking myself about my priorities. Like Mark, I never really actually have acted on my true feelings before coming here to college and maybe I'm rushing into trying to find a boyfriend a little too quickly. I mean, in a way, I've just come out again for the first time, there's a whole new world out there, ready to be seen. There are so many things to try and fail or succeed at, and with each success or failure, I will take away something that will make me that much wiser. So, maybe, I should take a page out of Mark's book and put finding a relationship on hold and just live life and have some fun. There are thousands of new people all around me I haven't met. Maybe I should just go out and have a few flings, it sounds cliché but that is part of the college experience.
I've helped Mark learn a lot about himself and he's helped me learn a lot about myself as well. Maybe things haven't worked out, but I can safely say we've both taken away a lot from this experience. We ended on good terms and friends we will remain, so maybe, one day, our paths will cross again, and if not, I'll be perfectly content.
All the best,
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Yesterday I tried inviting him to dinner with me and my friend but it kinda stalled out, he was asking a lot of questions and seemed really unsure. I want to talk to him one on one and see what's going on. I'm getting really tired of falling into this problem of falling for guys I can't have but that's exactly what I feel now, and the worst thing is, he was the one who started the whole bit.
I just don't know. I haven't done anything very productive all day (though it is a three day weekend thank god) and I'm hoping that going out to dinner with Maria (my visiting friend) will help me take my mind off things. We're going to a Tapas restaurant.
Enjoy the rest of your weekend and don't do anything you'll regret ;)
All the best,
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
1. I got a 95 on my first Psychology exam and a 94 on my Theology exam :D
2. I had a bisexual guy come out to me; I did not expect that at all. He's terribly insecure which makes me feel so bad since he's the biggest sweetheart ever - see "Mark" in the sidebar for more details.
3. Me and Mark have been hanging out more - he admitted to me he is attracted to me, and I'm also attracted to him, we've been flirting behind closed doors.
4. Last week we kissed and shared an intimate moment for the first time (no sex) - it's the first time he's done anything with a guy, it was beautiful.
5. My friend had an ambulance called for her because she went overboard with the alcohol, it scared the shit out of me.
6. I went too far with the alcohol myself and threw up for the first time, it, along with the terrible hangover the next morning was one of the most unpleasant experiences I've ever had, and is something I do not intend to repeat for quite some time.
7. In an attempt to help resolve and mediate a roommate feud between two of my friends, I ended up mothering them too far, I was brought back into line and realized that I couldn't/shouldn't "mother", I realize this now. It the wake-up call I needed
8. I ended up mothering Mark as well, checking up on him a little too much the past weekend, I realize I went to far and should give him his space. This too was a wake-up call.
9. I turned in my first college paper, I might be getting it back tomorrow, I'm terrified.
10. It dropped below 50 degrees for the first time, plus it rained a decent amount for the first time. I laughed at the people freaking about how cold it was and also at the surprising number of rubber rainboots. I can't wait to see how they will respond to winter.
11. My friend came down from New York, we went out for dinner in DC, it was a great reunion.
12. Me and my roommate got a 32 inch LCD TV for our dorm, it looks gorgeous on our shelf, we're in the process of getting cable to complement the Xbox.
13. One of my friends thinks I'm hooking up with one of my other (girl) friends. We think this is hilarious and decided we would play along with this when the first friend is around and fall all over each other.
14. I've started watching Glee, it's not very well written but I can't stop watching
15. My Sporcle addiction is coming back, this does not bode well for my studies.
I'll try to post more if I get more time. Plus, it's been some time since this happened but I've reached 40 followers! I love you guys!
All the best,