Tick. Tick. Tick.

Holy Crap. It's Friday, that means I move in tomorrow. I knew this day was coming, but it was only a few hours ago did it finally hit me. No, not the hours of packing and shopping that have been going on for the last few weeks, nor is it the many times my mom has told me she's going to miss me and almost cry, rather, it was the simple ticking of a clock.

It's a nice clock, a mechanical, spring driven wind-up alarm clock. I bought it at a thrift store a few months ago, the alarm bit is broken I admit, probably why it only cost me 90 cents. It has it's charm though, more than a little anachronistic in a time of ever more accurate solar-powered, radio-atomic timed, one-millionth of a second accuracy time pieces. In fact, if you forget to wind it up every two days, it'll die altogether, stuck, at least until you wind it back to life and the little but distinctive tick-tick-tick echos through a quiet home again. It sat on top of the TV in the living room the whole time, never causing a fuss, but as the number of boxes grew around me, and the suitcases came out of the basement, it remained, unfailingly tick-tick-ticking day and night.

This afternoon, the final belongings were packed away, labels on their tops, lavender of all colours, reminding the reluctant sophomores volunteers why they wasted away their freshman year the way they did, yearning for a second chance to do it all over again. It was this afternoon that the little black clock was placed into a box, ready to start a new life in my new home. Yet even in this box, it's tick-tick-ticking can be heard, muffled, but letting me know it's still soldiering on.

I'm about to embark on a new chapter of life, leaving the nest that I've called home for the past twelve years, the bed and sheets that protected me from monsters when I was five, and I like to believe still do today. This will likely be my last post from behind the door, for the next time you hear from me, I would have opened this door and entered into a new chapter of my life, and I'm terrified.

All the best,

JP

Mon Dieu!

What to do. what. to. do.

I’ve got a dilemma on my hands, something that’s been bugging for quite some time now, and it’s only getting worse as school approaches closer. The dilemma involves my roommate and telling him about my sexuality. It’s kinda sad how this is actually such a big deal and how much stress it’s causing me but I digress. So as you guys do or do not know, doesn’t matter now, I’ve been talking to my roommate for some time now. He’s awesome, essentially a more athletic, black version of me. He loves to laugh and even though we haven’t met, we’ve been talking about all sorts of things and have room planning all under control. And yes, he’s straight and he has a girlfriend who I said wouldn’t mind having over from time to time and that I’ll respect their privacy if they respect mine.

Awesome then, right? Well, if you’ve followed my journey through my roommate search process, you possibly know of my difficulties finding a roommate. My school has a “roommate dating service” where you fill out a questionnaire about yourself and can anonymously chat with possible close matches. Well, the first two people I chatted with didn’t work out so well. Actually, the first guy went really well at first, we chatted and found out we had a ton in common, he even talked about his family and little siblings. But as time wore on, the time came where I felt like I should tell him about me being gay. Well, I got a clue about his possible reaction when I found out that he was a devout Catholic and went to Catholic Prep School but I decided to take my chances. Well, I messaged him in a rather long winded manner that I’m gay but it isn’t a defining feature and all that jazz, but after a few days of no response I sorta got the idea…we were through. Understandable, but it hurt nevertheless.

Number two went along the same path, things looked good and I tried to possibly softening the blow by telling him I was bi instead, well that didn’t work either lol.

Finally, there were a few final guys but I’ll skip those until we reach my current roommate. He was also a cool guy but this time, I made no mention of my sexuality, the deadline was approaching quickly and I really wanted this whole debacle to be over with. Fast forward a few months and we end at the present day. I’ve ignored the elephant in the room but now it’s time to face the issue, at least in the near future. So I don’t really know how to tell him. I feel like he deserves to know and so does my best friend Maria. I don’t feel like being upfront about it will work too well, it will probably freak him out more than anything. I could also leave subtle hints, like about how I support gay marriage and am taking part in a LGBT-oriented orientation presentation. Another possibility is that I could chicken out and tell him through some long winded letter. Then again, I could just not tell him, but that leaves open the possibility of him finding out from someone else, or even worse finding me with some guy...in the dorm. To my knowledge he isn’t a terribly religious person, he went to a public school like me and he grew up in the area as well, hopefully that could play into my favour. In spite of all of this though, I don’t know what to do. I feel lost.

So I ask for your advice,

What should I do?
Qu’est-ce que je dois faire?
¿Qué debo hacer?

All the best,

Goodbye and Good Luck

Wow, things have been going by so fast lately. This past week, my William and Mary friends have all left and next week my UVA friends leave. It’s all just flying by so quickly it’s almost dizzying. Today I said goodbye to my best friend Maria who left for her college this afternoon. I went to her house before she left and helped her finish up her packing and helped load the car. It’s strange having to say goodbye, even though I know I will be seeing her relatively often since she’s coming back to the area every so often to visit her parents. I think it’s the general idea that we all are going our separate ways that makes this whole process so tiring.

Anyways, today was actually a pretty busy day and I was on the move for most of it. I just got back from a barbeque honouring the class of 2014 in Maryland. It was actually a very fun get together, the host family pretty much is one massive legacy family with three kids currently going to my university. I thought it was going to be this smallish event, maybe 20 people or so, but actually it turned out to be over 100. The house was packed but that made things good for meeting and greeting my fellow classmates. The people were really nice and social, we ended up talking mostly about which dorms we were in, sports and what stuff we were interested in. The dean also spoke at the barbeque and we learned about what to expect during orientation. The whole event was pretty tame, but hopefully I will now recognize a few faces on move-in day. (Oh, great news! I found out we can’t use the elevators on move in day….and I live on the fourth floor! Woot!)

Update on the college front – I move in next week but I still haven’t started packing! Yay haha. I’ve bought my bedding and I’ve got my towels and stuff but the suitcases still sit dormant in the basement. I still need to make a few more trips to Bed Bath and Beyond and IKEA before school starts though, my roommate and I also need to decide if we want a TV or not. We’ll see how this works out. I also still have an essay I need to write up as a summer reading type assignment though to my knowledge it isn’t graded since it isn’t even for a class per-se. The evil procrastination monster is still ever-present it seems :P

Well, to all fellow class of 2014ers and everyone else returning to school soon, good luck and remember to have fun in between all those hours of studying!


All the best,

JP

The Stereotype Game

Stereotypes usually are offensive in one way or another. Often born out of fear, misunderstanding, lack of understanding and a variety of other reasons, they can hurt, but with a different point of view and a pinch of dark humour, it can turned into something fun. This round, I’ll focus on the most obvious trait of me and the one that is stereotyped the most often by strangers, my Asian-ness

Let's play the (Asian) stereotype game. Check all that apply and their point values and total up your score at the end. And don’t worry if you’re not Asian, you never know, you could be a giant Hello Kitty doll at heart. ;)

1 Point each

1. You’re good at math
2. You’re an overachiever
3. You’re bad at sports
4. You or your parents drive a Toyota or Honda
5. You have really small eye openings

5 Points each

1. You do any martial art (Kung Fu, karate etc)
2. You have installed a noisy after-market exhaust on your car
3. Rice features a part in your meal at least 5 times a week
4. You speak an East Asian Language
5. You have a Buddha statue in your house somewhere
6. You have Pokémon paraphernalia apart from cards and games
7. Your family actually owns a dry-cleaners or tailor shop
8. You suck at driving
9. You can use chop-sticks
10. The only knife you need is a big cleaver
11. You won't throw something away unless it is absolutely dead and useless, and even then you'll try to fix it.

10 points each

1. You have a heavy accent (Korean, Canto etc)
2. You’re stingy (in any sense, good or bad)
3. You wear slippers in your home
4. You drink tea regularly
5. You love anime
6. You play the violin, piano or flute. (20 pts for two or more)
7. You know how to and can drift your car
8. You work at a nail salon
9. You drive a Honda Civic (in addition to above)
10. Your parents try to dictate every aspect of your life (thanks Drew!)

Deductions (-5 for each)

1. Chinese Food to you means General Tso’s chicken, Lo Mein and Fried Rice or take-out
2. You can’t use chopsticks (-30 if you’re Asian)
3. You drive a big SUV

Scoring

0-15 – As Asian as General Tso’s Chicken
16-25 – Watch some more Naruto
26-35 – Getting there, or you could be Asian-American
36-45 – Maybe you’re actually Asian, you probably drive a Honda Civic
46+ - Either you’re actually Asian or were meant to be born one.

Okay, so the scoring and points system is totally arbitrary but hey, I hope you had fun, no offence was intended by this.

All the best,

JP

(btw, I scored 53 if you're curious)

My Life in Grayscale

I’ve always wondered if I’m actually gay. I mean, I know I’m gay, but like most things in life, there is a middle ground, a gray space where an infinite number of combinations could exist. I’ve wondered if I’m in that space, that I’m not gay, straight or even 50/50 bi. Alfred Kinsey developed a scale where people were ranked from zero to six, six being fully gay and zero being fully straight but even that scale couldn’t fully explain just how complex I think human sexuality is.

Back in middle school, I asked a girl out to the 8th grade dance. The weeks prior, I would buy her cookies at lunch and bring them to her at her table. This went on for almost two weeks before the week of the dance, I approached her one last time, this time with a bouquet of roses (such a romantic, I know). When I entered English 7th period, the class stood with applause and cheering while I stood there mortified and blushing brighter red than a Hot Tamale. At that time, I knew that I had been attracted to guys, but I fully believed that I loved her. Granted, it might have been forced slightly on my part, I was in my denial stage at the time so that faux-love could have just been some way of myself trying to convince myself that no, I’m actually straight while the little gay boy in my head shouted at the top of his lungs “YOU’RE GAY, G-A-Y.”

Despite that though, I still don’t know if I really was attracted to her. I’m still friends with this girl today, we don’t talk too often as we ended up going to different high schools though.

When I was in denial, I went through a series of phases, first came the “No, I’m not gay” phase, followed by my “Well, maybe I just have a man-crush on him” phase, fostered due to some desperate search on Urban Dictionary of all places to figure myself out. Following that came the “Fuck, maybe I am gay” phase and finally the “Okay, I’m gay” phase where I am today. I still consider myself to be gay today, I mean, I like guys, physically and sexually, but I still wonder if maybe I could actually be bi.

Some might see this as just another piece of denial, I mean, it is known that many gays have a grudge against bisexuals, thinking they are just in denial or are too scared to actually just admit they’re gay. I believe that bisexuality is real, I mean, in my mind, I think only a very small number of people are truly 100% gay. But who am I to make such claims? I mean, I’m only 17, I’ve barely gotten through one fifth of my life, and with medicine improving, heck, it could be even be less than that. I haven’t experienced so many things in life, I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m still a virgin and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m almost scared that over time, that new parts of me that I never knew existed will surface. Maybe there is some straight in me. Can I picture myself in a relationship with a woman? At the moment, no, but in the future, who knows.

Sexuality, I think, like many things in life is fluid, the way you see yourself can change within a certain range. Sexuality is also not clear cut, it’s two ends of a long rope, straight at one end, gay on the other with so many levels of bi in between. Granted, I know I’m definitely not straight, at least not 100%, I’m at the other end of that long rope but I’m not sure if it’s the very end either. I identify as gay because I very much more heavily favour men over women, but there is still an inkling in me that thinks maybe I could be closer to the middle, maybe 90% gay/10% straight, or 95%/5%, or 80%/20% who knows.

One thing I’m sure of is that no matter how fluid human sexuality is, you can’t jump from one end to the other. You can’t change from being all gay to all straight or vice versa. If anything, this sudden attraction was always built in, you just never knew it was there. Most people who identify as straight probably have some gay in them, it either lies dormant or is simply ignored, just like most gay guys have some straight in them.

No matter how cheesy and elementary school sounding it is, I love myself; I’m not in denial, just curious about the mind and body I have and inhabit respectively. Whether I actually am 100% gay or possibly bi, that doesn’t change who I am and how I view myself, and those who judge have much to learn.

All the best,

JP