Thoughts

I'm tired of hiding who I really am, who I am from my friends and more importantly my family. Ever since I first came out to my friends Maria for the first time back on July 22, 2008, I've slowly come out to more of my friends and fortunately most of them have taken it very well, some surprised, some not. I've come out in front of grocery stores, during AP Chem Lab write ups and once at an FBLA competition, but I digress. It feels great to come out and let some of my friends know who I really am and not just me with a mask that I've worn for way to long. But there is still one thing I have yet to do, something that I've known that must happen eventually but have put off due to fear and too many other reasons and excuses, and that is coming out to my family.

I've come to realize that coming out to my family will probably be one of the most difficult things I will ever have to do in my life. Their little boy, someone who they have raised turning out to be gay. I've found help with my situation form the many other blogs I read and follow like Jason Carwin's blog which I feel is one every gay teenager should be reading as it's one of the best written blogs on the web. I'm embarking tomorrow on a cruise that will last one week and I'm hesitant to say this but I want to take at least a first step towards coming out to my family. When i say first step, I don't mean hinting or the like, but I really want to tell at least one person in my family the little but heavy secret I've been carrying now for nearly 17 years.

But now, the question is, who should this be? my mom? my dad? maybe even my cousin who's closer to my age. My mom and I have shared a very close relationship for as long as I remember, we often have little talks in the evening, about random things and like how our days have gone and recent events in the news. We don't really discuss issues pertaining to gay life or news, but she doesn't oppose gays and has stated that she believes that people should be able to live they way they want to which I hope is a good sign. I even believe she might suspect that I might be gay but is just not taking any action and letting me take this whole process at my own pace but I'm not positive of this fact.

My dad is another story and will be hardest person for me to come out to. He isn't what I would call overly traditional but he has some firm beliefs that he adheres to. Unlike my mom, I really doubt he knows or even suspects that I might be gay. He has never expressed any beliefs that outright oppose gay rights or really the gay lifestyle but I haven't seen him outright support them either. But the main thing I'm just worried about, terrified about is how he would react, while I'm not as close with him as my mom, he's still extremely important in my life and need him there like anyone in my family.

The rest of my family is a mish-mosh of folks, many who don't speak fluent English and i doubt carry too much opinion either way in the gay right or gay life debate, I probably will save them for later after I come out to at least one of my parents and maybe some more friends. On the subject of friends, they too are a mish-mosh of people. Like many people, there is the inner circle who I haven known for quite some time and I hold closer to my heart than others and then there other friends who are not quite as close but still are important to me. In this group, there are those on both extremes, I have a few gay friends and I also have friends who I've learned do not exactly carry the most favourable view of gays that I have uncovered over the years. As I will be a senior next year, if I do come out the word will spread fast, high school isn't very well known for secrets being kept quiet for long periods of time, but I'll tackle this later on and go further in depth in a another post.

So I feel that I've reached a point in my life where I feel that secrets, or at least this one should no longer be hidden away. I know this will be a long and possibly difficult process but in the end, I'll have to go through it eventually and I shouldn't keep ignoring this and pushing this aside.

-Finally this will likely be my last post for at least a week because while the ship has internet, paying 55 cents a minute or $28 an hour is rather steep and I doubt my dad will appreciate having this all put onto his credit card in the end haha.

Freedom of the Seas, my home for one week.

FlowRider - if I suddenly have the guts or a burst of spontaneity.

High Seas Shenanigans and a Thank You

If I could take any vacation, it would be in the form of a cruise, so I guess you can see why I am excited for this next week as I will departing for 7 days of unlimited food, live shows, beaches, and hot guys sunbathing by the pool (and maybe erging in the gym as to not get carried away). While this isn't my first cruise (I've been on six) this will be my first on Royal Caribbean so I'm looking forward to the experience and do some inter-cruise line comparisons. I'll be on the Freedom of the Seas, which apart from currently being the biggest cruise ship on the high seas at least until Oasis comes out, apparently features a rock wall, infinite wave machine and an ice skating rink. While I doubt I'll end up trying all of the above maybe I'll have a random burst of spontaneity and hopefully not make a fool of myself.

In other news, my recent obsession with gay story lines in international soaps has grown this week when I was referred by a friend over to a British soap called Hollyoaks and the John Paul and Craig storyline. To put into perspective how addicting this show is, I've watched so far 8 months worth of their storyline in two days on Youtube (and I wonder why I can't get any summer work done...) It's has your everyday gay soap storyline, the whole realization, hesitation, falling in love with a friend, denial, anger, and then coming out phases but so far this is the most realistic and believable portrayal of gay characters and their lives of any show I've watched so far. They aren't camp or stereotypical and they face many normal problems from queer-bashing and normal everyday family drama and for JP in the story, drama associated with having to live with 5 sisters. So I highly recommend watching it if you have the time, kimbaforeva has kinda posted all the episodes JP and Craig are featured in chronological order. Another one I follow would be Verbotene Liebe and the Christian and Olli storyline; it's a German show and if you're interested in that, you can also find it on Youtube painstakingly translated and subtitled by Ichglotzutube.

Finally, I have realized I got my first follower for this blog as well as my first comment on one of my other posts, so I'm very happy to see that people are actually reading my posts and scribblings. I really enjoy reading responses and input on things I write about so all I can say is "Thank You".

Craig Dean and John Paul McQueen from Hollyoaks.

I Feel Like a Terrible Person

With only four weeks of summer left before I have to start heading back to school, I have to get going and finish up all my summer assignments now. Luckily I've gotten most of what I have to do done, but I haven't touched my French journal assignments yet and I still have a book to finish, so I guess you can figure out what I'll be doing after I post this, ugh. In other news I'll be leaving on a cruise this Friday, I'm going to be going to the Caribbean on the Freedom of the Seas which should be fun, but now let me get to the point of this post.

About 4 days ago, I found out that my crush is single again. He had dated his girlfriend for over a year, they even went to prom together last year. He had always been a great guy, funny, charming, and unbelieveably cute, and towards the end of the year we came to be good friends in my AP chem class; so I guess you can imagine that I was shocked when i found out that he broke up with his girlfriend. They always seemed to be so happy, i often saw them together and even my chem teacher knew about them and their relationship. I found out over facebook of all sources and after my initial shock, I was actually kinda happy that they broke up and that he was single again, and I feel absolutely horrible for it. I feel that I really should not be happy over a couple breaking up, both of whom I am friends with, just because they guy I like is now back on the market to put it in a way. So right now, I don't know how to feel, happy? sympathetic? indifferent? I guess I'll have to work through this but things are more complicated than ever as now both of the guys I like are now single, one that I've liked since October of last year and this one since this past winter. I'm just one giant mess right now.

Enjoy the Rest of Your Summer

Time to Make Money

Waking up at 7:30 over the summer is not something I am used to doing or personally enjoy doing, but today was special as today I went to my first day of "work" for my position of Co-Business and Ad Manager for my school's newspaper. I had to get to school by 9 this morning to get ready and learn about what my duties would be and get some preliminary client contact work done, in the end, it turned out to be a grand day made up of database updating, filing, and preparing and licking shut 180 manila envelopes to be sent out to advertisers. The girl who held the position before me and my partner had held the spot for three years and pretty much built up the entire advertising program from the ground up, from a $700 budget three years ago, to over $15,000 last year, so we have quite some big shoes to fill. Our goal is to get $2,000 or so per issue, and there are about 9 or so issues in a year so we need to raise about $18,000 this year, I guess that's hwy we need to get started early.

In other news, I've gotten back to Eastern Time and am no longer set onto Pacific time which is good since I set a new record for myself when I got up at 11:30 two days ago, I pretty much wasted my entire morning. But one thing though I still have not gotten used to again would be how horrible the heat is here in Virginia. In Nevada it easily gets above 110 degrees during the summer, but it's such a dry heat it's pretty bearable. Now here, it gets to about 88 or so now during the August but it's terribly humid and muggy so it's that much worse. The next time it storms, I'm going to dance my heart out in the rain.

"No, I won't give you $3": Adventures in Vegas

So i have finally gotten back from a week in Vegas with my parents, aunt, and cousin to celebrate my mom and dad;s 10th anniversary and I miss it already. So you might be wondering how a 16 y/o could possibly have anything to do in a city like Vegas where things pretty much center around gambling and plenty of booze par gratis, well I have discovered there is plenty of things to do to keep myself entertained. During our week long holiday, we succeeded in visiting every major hotel on the strip except for maybe Treasure Island, but I don't know if that honestly really even counts and I discovered some stores where i ended up buying crap that I honestly have no need for. But there was one thing I bought that I am really too proud of, and that would be my new Ferrari key chain/lanyard things, I got it at the Ferrari store at the Wynn Las Vegas and it cost me $10, and now i have something every true petrolhead should own, and that is a piece of Ferrari swag. But probably one o fthe weirdest thing that happened to me was when I was sitting and taking a break at the Miracle Mile Shops at Planet hollywood, some creepy guy came up to me and asked me for $3 saying that he was on a date with his "girlfriend" at PF changs and that he was short on cash and it was really embarassing for him. Okay I don't even know how many flaws i could have possibly pointed out in his story or the fact that he was wearing a torn white t-shirt and an open red flannel button up on a "date" of all things, but god that was creepy, and in such a public place it almost frightens me with his level of audacity. So yeah, pedo alert.

So other things I did on the trip included visiting Red Rock Canyon, dad had to stop at EVERY last "scenic overlook" and take pictures or film, which wouldn't b so bad except for that it was 112 degrees every day. Talking about the weather, it's actually weird thinking that I've gotten used to the hot but very dry heat in Nevada compared to the cooler, but still hot and muggy heat here in Virginia, I honestly now prefer the hot dry heat, humidity does not do any wonders for my comfort.

Ugh, I honestly can't concentrate at the moment and I've actually been working on this post for about 2 hours now, so yeah, this post sucks to be honest but hopefully it'll get better when I can actually focus.

-also, if you like punk-pop-rock sort of music like I do, go out and buy "A Shipwreck in the Sand" by Silverstein, it's pretty good, maybe not their best but it's definitely worth checking out. My personal favorite Silverstein album would be "Discovering the Waterfront"

A Shipwreck in the Sand here! - http://www.ashipwreckinthesand.com/