Is it better to have loved than not at all?

I love you.

I wish you knew how much I loved spending every waking moment we've had over the last two months. Cuddling on the couch, having dinner, just spending time with each other has made me feel something that I haven't felt in a very long time. You infuriate me, you annoy me, but I keep coming back because I want to spend time with you. I fucking love having you in my arms, being able to have you fall asleep in my lap, hear you go into your little soliloquies about military history, ships, and weaponry.

I know what we have would probably never work out in the long-term. You live half a country away, our personalities could probably not be any more different, and you say you don't want to jeopardize the friendship we have by taking things too far, but maybe that's why I want you so bad. I know we only have a few days left before you have to leave and it pains me thinking about how I won't see you again probably for almost another year.

Our 12 year+ long friendship has always been something I treasured. It's always been something that I never fully understood how it came to be, but I was so glad it did. We have shared more intimate moments than either of us want to admit or talk about, and I feel like there is something you want to say but won't. Maybe it's because we're both afraid to talk about it or maybe I'm just delusional thinking what we have is more than it really is.

I wish I had the courage to ask you do you feel the same way? Do you think about me before you go to bed? Do you wonder if you could spend every night together like we do when you come over for dinner and we watch a movie and you're curled up in my arms and I give you soft kisses on the back of your neck? Do you want to hold hands while ice skating again? Do you want to keep teasing me over my little obsessions? Do you like it when I joking call you Rozanov and you call me Hollander? Will you miss me in the same way that I will miss you when you leave?

Whatever we are and wherever we land, I hope you know that I love you. I will always cherish whatever we have with each other. Maybe one day our relationship will grow into something more, but I know right now, we will live in this beautiful, painful limbo where our actions may speak louder than our words

I didn’t want to get into this as deep as I did, but I can’t deny what I’m feeling now.

I know we probably won't be anything more than friends. I should appreciate what we have, the beauty of what we share, and move forward and look back fondly on what we have done and what is to come.

But I love you. Do you love me too?

We flew too close to the sun

Heartbreak is something I have rarely experienced before.

To be honest, I had never gotten so emotionally invested with someone and had to break up with them, or have them break up with me until this past week. And to think, we weren't event together. Or at least, sort of.

I've been seeing this guy, let's call him Mike, for over the last year. It started as a friendship - or friends with benefits situationship to be perfectly clear. It was fun, it was lustful, it was something new and exciting.

We would hang out, grab dinner, and have some fun but we kept our feelings out of it mostly, at least until the last few months. Little did either of us know that what was for nearly a year a physical friendship slowly turned into an emotional one.

What embarassingly started as a text where I misread this guy asking me to be his boyfriend, turned out to be an admission that we both had started developing feelings for each other, and what would our future possibly look like. We had an honest conversation which turned into an emotional roller coaster of a week, and is a ride which I still feel like I may be on.

After three days of back and forth, it happened.

He asked for a break. He was becoming too emotionally invested, and through my own secrecy and discomfort of revealing too much about myself, I lost his trust and hurt him. I did not do this on purpose of course - I am a private person and I know, at least for now, I can't pursue a serious relationship with him. But in the process of talking through this with him, he felt like I was holding back too much, and for him to open up and pursue something more serious with me or even keep what we had before, he could not separate his feelings for me knowing that I had been holding back what he felt like was too much.

I feel like shit. I'm sad because, more than anything, I did not want to lose a friend. Yes I started developing feelings for him - he's a kind, beautiful, and smart man. We have amazing chemistry and he makes me smile, but most of all, he is a great person, and those are rare in this world. 

It may sound selfish, but when I meet someone who I genuinely believe to be a good person, I want to keep them in my life. And when he told me he needs to step away from what we have and not see each other for a few months, I felt like a punch in the gut. 

I respect his decision and of course will make sure to respect what he wants, but it doesn't make what happened hurt any less. It's the first time I feel like I've felt true heartbreak.

My first heartbreak at 32. Damn.

I just hope that we can and do find our way back into in each other's lives. 

-JP

Thanksgiving and Therapy

Well I'm back - again deep in my emotions and looking to let things out in one of my corners of the internet.

Being open and honest about my feelings, my emotions, and what makes my happy, sad, angry, or my heart ache has never been something I'm good at. I'm not sure if it's to do with growing up in an Asian household where expressing emotion, especially among men, was rarely done. Heck, there were only a handful of times where I know I truly have let out all my emotions I was feeling at a time - including when I first came out to my mom, but since then, I still keep things bottled up. I had a therapist for a while and she encouraged me to find ways to express myself, to stop bottling things up, and this blog had and continues to be one of those outlets.

God that was a long intro. But I wanted to come back and say - I hope everyone is doing well. If you celebrate American Thanksgiving - I hope you were able to have some time with your parents and enjoyed some well deserved time off. I know Thanksgiving can be a tough time of year for many, and this year especially as it feels things are more divisive than ever. We had a small Thanksgiving this year with my family - just 5 as many were traveling. But nevertheless, it was a cozy evening - full of good food, lazy afternoons, and peace.

But what is a good blog post without me spilling some of my emotions for you to read? 

I'm looking for a new therapist - or I should say, my partner and I are looking for a couples therapist to help us reconcile and understand where we are in our relationship. We've been together now for over 11 years - its been great, but it's also been the only true long, long term relationship I've been in. We've grown together, bought a house, and are living our best lives together, but also, we both know things have cooled over the last few years. We still obviously deeply care for one another, we value each other above all, and he makes me happy, but also we both know something needs to change if we want to stay with each other for the long term.

I know there is no such thing as a perfect relationship - my own, my parents, my family, and my friends all have multiple examples, but taking the step to see what we can do to help us nurture our relationship is important. As someone who struggles with being open and emotional, this is something I am nervous and hesitant about, but I know it's needed. 

Wish me luck.

JP

When is someone in too deep?

 

I wish I had someone I could just fully confide in with no judgement. 

Someone I had no history with. Someone who I could tell my deep dark secrets to. 

Someone I could just just tell all the things in my life which have weighed on me, the feelings I'm experiencing - the guilt and the joy, the thrill and the anger. 

I've had a therapist before, and even then I never felt like I could fully open up. It always felt to clinical. I want a friend without the history - just someone who will listen, provide feedback, and give me a hug.

On the surface everything about my life looks perfect - I have a stable job, I have a nice house, I'm surrounding myself with friends who I love and adore, but underneath it all is a storm.

I'm starting to question so many things. My career, my relationships, and where and what I want my life to be.

I love my boyfriend, but between my post at the end of last year when I reconnected with a long time friend and some new friendships over the last year that have developed into more - physically and emotionally, I'm starting to realize I'm developing feelings for others. Is it just lust? Is it just wanting what you can't have? Is it just my old habits of caring for others too much when I know the should just be friends?

I don't know.

I'm a bad person. I should be honest and end things before they get too serious. But attention and lust is a drug. It makes me energetic. It makes be eager and excited in ways I haven't felt in years. It's the thrill of the chase. It's the thrill of the new, the novel, the exciting. It feels like young love. It feels like missed opportunities. 

It's intoxicating and I crave it.

I don't want to end my relationship, but would that be the right, ethical thing to do? Am I in too deep now?

Merry Christmas

 

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate - this year has been a truly special and unique time. I've heard some people say that the year flew by, some say it it dragged on; for me, I think it was the former. 

I give credit to a lot of changes in my life in the last year and a half which have been thrilling, but also brought me anxiety, nostalgia, joy, and also more questions than I have the capacity to answer anytime soon. I started a new job a little over a year ago, bought a new home, reconnected with old friends for the first time in almost 8 years, and am trying to understand what I am truly looking for my life - in love, in my career, and what I "should" be doing now that I have crested 30.

I'm hoping to return to this platform to share this journey with you, much like I did over a decade ago when I first started writing this blog as a 17 year old in high school figuring out his life, friendships, college, his sexuality, and what it meant to be in the world. The questions, the topics, the things that are on my mind obviously have changed, but I'm still the same boy, arguably now a man, who is typing behind a computer screen sharing his thoughts into a little corner of the internet.

So (re)join me, won't you?

-JP

First Love

Hi there.

It's been a while, eh? I'm sorry it's been over two years since I last shared something here. The pandemic, big life moments, job changes, and more really made the last two years fly by.

But I wanted to return to this now over 10 year old home of my thoughts, feelings, and self reflection because...well, I needed a space to share some things that have been on my mind. Things that have been weighing me down and things that I haven't felt in years.

Being in a relationship for over 10 years now, I forgot what it's like to experience young love. That feeling where you get to know someone for the first time and feel drawn in, and where everything they do, even the most banal things, make you feel excited and giddy. That feeling where you are eager to see that next text, that next Snap, that next notification pop up on the corner of your screen. I forgot what it was like falling in love for the first time where you are chasing the thrill - the thrill of the first kiss, the next conversation, the next time you would be able to hold them in your arms.

I don't know where I am right now. I've met someone. They aren't someone new, but someone I've "known" over over a decade that re-entered my life earlier this year after stars aligned and circumstances worked out. He's a friend who I never had a chance to meet in person, but knew online for now over a decade. A friend who I occasionally kept in touch with over the years - a random text or exchange once a year, sometimes with gaps many years in between. But earlier this year, things changed.

We finally met in person. He was up in DC - we spent a day together, we caught up after over 10 years of anticipation and friendship. And from that, a new, deeper friendship bloomed. We've talked every day since. We flirt, we send pics, we share boring updates about our lives, our sexier moments, and also things like our latest hobby or movie we watched. I started experiencing that first love feeling all over again.

This weekend, we had the chance to see each other again and spend a few precious hours together for only the second time this past year. We cuddled, we kissed, we let out 8 months of anticipation since last had a chance to spend time together. For me at least, sparks flew hotter than ever. We always knew that we wouldn't probably be able to make anything more of our relationship beyond a fiery friendship - he lives half a country away, I have a boyfriend, and realistically, I don't think we are the right fit for each other. But even with all that, I can't help but feel drawn to him. My heart flutters when we talk. I get jealous when I know he's talking and meeting other guys. I dream about him. What am I? 20 again?

I know this isn't good for me, and I know I need to stop what we have. But part of my does not. Part of me thinks, what if our lives getting crossed again for a reason? What if in another life, another time in the future, it's meant to be?

This is bad, but I keep wanting more.

JP

Happy Thanksgiving, Friends

As we approach another Thanksgiving, and the second during a pandemic, I wanted to reflect on some things that I am truly thankful for. 

Despite daily annoyances, stress, and anxiety, I always try to remind myself of just how comfortable and priveleged a life I have, especially when so many others do not.

I'm thankful for a loving family, who for the first time in two years, I will be seeing all together again tomorrow

I'm thankful for friends, who I can be open with and can trust

I'm thankful for a loving boyfriend who I recently celebrated an 8 year anniversary with

I'm thankful for vaccines, and them making it possible for us to exit this pandemic as soon as possible

I'm thankful to have a stable, well paying job that, while it may drive me up the wall at times, affords me to live the life I want

I'm thankful for the roof over my head, and being able to live where I do - somewhere safe, engaging,  and full of life

And I'm thankful for the multicultural mish-mosh of food that will be on our Thanksgiving table tomorrow. I hope my parents, grandparents, and those before me see it as a symbol of their American dream came true.

I hope wherever you are, you have a great Thanksgiving. And if you are not celebrating, can take time to enjoy these coming days with those you care about.

Cheers,

JP

A letter to 04/06/2014 me

Dear 21 year old JP,

You did it, bud. You did it. You're just over one month away from graduating from college - I'm so damn happy for you. You worked hard, you had fun, and you accomplished something many only dream about. You're about to go into the "real world" and I know you're scared. It's ok. That's 100% normal and you will learn soon that being scared and uncertain is just a part of life. Over the next 6 years, you will see and learn so many things and some of it will be scary. You will be nervous and have to face new challenges, push yourself, and step way, way outside your comfort zone. I know you don't like those moments now and hell, you won't like them in 6 years either, but these are the times and challenges that you need to grow. You got this.

This coming month is going to be an exciting time - cherish every second of it. Whether you realize it or not, you will lose touch with many of the people you see every day today. It won't be out of spite, anger, or malice, but just the sheer nature of growing up and starting the next chapter of your life. Take time to say "hi" to these people - it's a small but kind thing to do. Don't worry too much though, some of your closest friends will still be there six years from now. E, Alex, your still pretty new boyfriend, they and many others will all be there and you will still be friends with them many years from now. 

You are probably also consumed with getting ready for what comes next - graduation, your last two finals, your new job - and yes, that is important, but right now, I want you to go out, have a beer, see your friends, chat with the staff of the LGBTQ Center, and just take a walk around campus. You will miss this place more than you think. It's important to make those memories now so you can look fondly back at all the great times, fun times, and sometimes messy times of being a student and seeing the world as your oyster.

Here's 10 things I want you to do in the next week. Yes, some of it may feel weird, but trust me, it'll be fun.

1. Get that booth in the off campus bar and order a few pitchers with your friends
2. Make that loaf of monkey bread for your housemates - they will still be talking about that for years to come
3. Go to Town, see a drag show, and dance your heart out and stay out way too late - in a few years it will be gone, but the memories will last
4. Stop being so damn fussy about drag shows - I know you're still obsessed about trying to come across as masc and "not like those other gays" - it's not a good look. Have fun, let go, and don't worry so much about what others think. 
5. Host that dinner party and throw that house party - yeah, you can cook well, and it will only become a greater passion of yours in the future. You also know how to throw a hell of a party, and yes, Svedka will do.
6. Don't worry about Brandon, he will be fine and is living his best life. Cherish the memories and the time you spent with him. He helped craft who you are (and also your enduring love for Coors Light) as good people do
7. Eat that extra slice of pizza - your metabolism will never be as fast as it is now and your muscles as defined for at least the next 6 years, so indulge, you lucky 21 year old bastard
8. Don't be afraid to tell your boyfriend you love him, spoiler alert, you guys will still be together in 6 years and living together
9. Stop comparing your job offer or how much money you make to others. You have control over your life, and fretting over it doesn't do anyone good and only hurts yourself
10. Call mom and tell her you love her. You don't know it now, but she has done more than you know to make sure you made it this far and give you the opportunities you've had. She is and will always be your hero and #1 fan.

JP, I want you to know that everything is going to be ok. Actually, more than ok; it's going to be great. I don't want to spoil it for you, but if you keep up the work ethic that I know you have and fight through whatever challenges that come up, you will be successful at whatever you put your mind to once school ends. You will have a strong group of friends, a man who loves you and who you will love back, a few jobs which you will excel at, and more over the coming years. But again, today, I don't want you to think about that. I want you to live in the present. Now, text your housemates and go get a beer.

Cheers,

JP, circa 2020 

Boring Gays

Back in college, right now at 8:30pm on a Saturday night, I would be getting ready to go out to a bar, party. or hosting something with friends. Drinks would be flowing, music ramping up, and a night of debauchery not too far away. But tonight, I found myself strolling the aisles of a Harris Teeter, after having gotten dinner with my boyfriend, picking up a box of brownie mix, a pint of ice cream, and caramel sauce. As we were making our way to the check out lane, my boyfriend joking said "We're such boring gays". This isn't the first time we've made that comment, but I think I'm starting to accept that being "boring" and having a night in isn't something to be ashamed of. It's perfectly fine. More than fine actually.

As we now both start to settle in to the later part of our mid-20s, I think we've gotten to the point in our lives when while going out is still fun, I've accepted that being "boring" isn't a bad thing. What is wrong with watching the Corpse Bride on TV, making a pan of brownies, and just going to bed at a reasonable hour (which may or may not be the plan for tonight)? With both of us working nearly 50 hours a week, any moment of respite and relaxation is valuable.

So if you need me, you won't be seeing me at Trade, Number 9, Tombs, or any other bar. I will be on my couch, cuddling with my boyfriend, enjoying some nice dessert. I'm a boring gay, and proud of it.

All the best,

JP

What Sparks Joy?

I almost can't believe it's been nearly1 year since I started my new job. I still feel like I just started yesterday, but looking back, I've travelled across the country most a dozen times, seen numerous new cities, and worked with more people directly than I ever have before in the past 10 months...and it's exhausting just thinking about it.

I took this new job about 10 months ago because I wanted to learn new skills and experience life in a smaller company compared to where I was for 4 years prior. With that goal, I feel like I acheived them and more. I was told when I first started that the company expects a lot of its employees and that everyone upholds a do what it takes attitude. With that, I took the position by the reins and tried my best to dive right in. I basically own the marketing strategy for the division of the company I support, and over the past year, I've definitely had my ups and downs. I've pushed myself harder than I ever have before and as a whole, my manager and team seem happy with what I have been able to deliver to them. 

So I'm happy that I have been able to learn so much in the past year and have a supportive team, but that has come at a cost. I am nervous to even put this in writing, but I am starting to question if I want to stay in the job and my current career path. Let me explain.

My entire life since graduating college almost (gasp) 5 years ago, I have been working at the intersection of two areas - technology and the public sector. While I am blessed to have been successful working in jobs that intersect these two industries, I never truly had a deep rooted passion for either. Yes, I definitely find it interesting on occasion, but neither are areas where I can say I truly am invested in or can see myself supporting as a career for the long term. 

The root of my frustrations is around what I am able to do at work. Doing any form of creative or innovative marketing towards the government is stymed by rules and regulations, meaning while my peers are able to try new ideas and programs, I am stuck executing the same old programs over and over again not because I want to, but because I can't break free. Add onto that the fact that I find supporting government rather soul sucking only wearing me out quicker and quicker.

The more obvious answer to this is 'why not ask to switch teams?' - while that may make sense if I loved working in tech, I'm starting to have my doubts if I want to stay in tech, and especially big tech companies, long term as well. Yes, tech is the future; tech pays well; tech is the hot thing to be in, but after four years, I still just can't relate to it that gets be excited. Furthermore, the company I joined initially got acquired and now is part of one of the largest companies in the tech industry - and the integration has been without much direction, making me very nervous.

This past year is what really made me reflect on what I want to do with my career. I still want to do marketing, but I want to go into an industry that I am passionate about and interested in. I want to get out of tech and get out of marketing toward government and go towards a job where I am marketing towards consumers instead of businesses and on a topic that I care about and love.

As many of you may have noticed over the years, I love to cook and am fascinated with all things food. Now if, just if I can get a job in that industry, maybe I can be happy and passionate about what I do and feel truly invested in the impact of what I help bring to market. Working at a company as part of a consumer facing brand is a dream of mine. I love to learn about what makes people consider what they do, why they act and make the choices they make, and how I can help mold that. That fascination is what pushed me to major in marketing in school and pursue it as a career. The part where I get a job where I can practice, refine, and push towards that goal has escaped me so far.

I'm also afraid that I may be painting a picture of this ideal job and company that doesn't actually exist. I told my mom when I last saw her that I was scared that I would end up where I am now in another year even if I managed to find and accept this 'dream' job. I would be uncertain, unhappy, and wanting to make another move. What if the grass does always seem greener on the other side?

I just want to be happy and excited about my work - I want to do something in my life that makes me wake up in the morning and look forward to what the days has to bring. Hopefully one day that will happen.

In the meantime, out go the job applications one at a time.

All the best,

JP

Adult Life Part 2: The Big Shift

Just over four years ago I wrote this post. Written only a few weeks after going through what was and probably still is the fastest, most hectic period of my life, I was awash with excitement, fear, happiness, and anxiety all at once. I had just graduated college, started my first ever full-time "adult" job, was in California at training, and all while just recently having come out to my greater family and in the dawn of my current relationship. Honestly, even just re-reading what I just wrote makes me uneasy.

Well today, I'm writing part two of that post. Yes, waiting four years for part 2 is nothing compared to the 14 years it took to make the Incredibles 2 (cute movie - you should see it if you enjoyed the original Incredibles), but it took quite a few years to put this story together. So let's begin, shall we?

The Boyfriend: Surprise surprise! The college slut that I was is still with the same boyfriend mentioned in Part 1 today. Joking aside - things with the boyfriend are going well. Back in February we moved in together. After three years of living with roommates (all of whom I loved, by the way), we decided to take the jump and live with each other. We had been dating for 4 years and it made sense to both of us to try it out. I mean, we've made a pretty deep commitment to each other already, so it was time to see if we could tolerate enjoy sharing a space as well.

(If I made the reasons for us moving in with each other sound a little too calculated and business like, I swear that is not what it actually was like. Being able to cuddle more often probably played a larger role than I'm willing to mention)

Anyways.......after a month-long search, we got a 1 bedroom + den in a newer building and so far so good. We like the apartment aside from the building managers being slow with some sloppy maintenance in public spaces and we live in an area which is full of young adults like ourselves. The best perk? We also get to spend more time together than we ever had and that pleasure hasn't worn off.

A New Job: So probably the biggest change to have recently happened was that I got a new job. This was a big shift for me, first and foremost because I left the company I was at since graduating in 2014. I should mention that I absolutely loved my old team. So why the move?

Well, being at a company for four years, and especially in tech, is a long time for most young adults. The decision came own to the fact that I felt that skills-wise I had started to plateau. I tried taking on new projects and try new things, but at the end of the day, there was not much additional progression to be had at the job I was in. So when the opportunity came to join my current company and the recruiter reached out, I decided to take the chance and put my hat in the ring. This all happened in late February of this year.

Fast forward to June and I found out I got the offer for the new job. It's still in tech, but I've changed roles to do more marketing work versus program management like I was doing before. When I first started and even today, I'm reminded all to much of how I felt four years ago when I first started working. To that point, I'm even reminded of 8 years ago (gasp) when I graduated high school. It's crazy, but the below paragraph from 2014 still applies to this very second:

It terrifies me to think that I four years ago, I was going through a similar period of nervous energy and anxiety when I knew my high school graduation was similarly around the corner. Like it was four years ago, graduation will serve as the page turn that opens to a new chapter in my life. Instead of entering my potentially final years of schooling, I will be entering the workforce. Instead of saying goodbye to friends who I knew almost exclusively within the concrete wall confines of my high school or the shell of a boat, I will be saying goodbye to people who I have lived with...

The nervous energy I wrote about is exactly what I feel again now. I'm about 1.5 months in and I'm still scared to fail at this job and that I will get a call from my manager telling me that I am going to be let go. I'm still learning so many new tools and figuring out how to best approach supporting the team I am responsible for. I have more autonomy that I had in my last job. I'm able to make decisions and recommendations that could impact people's lives much more than I had before and that's terrifying to me. I still feel like I'm not doing a good job, and yes, I know 1.5 months is still early on, but that's just who I am. I need to feel like I proficient at my job immediately, even if I know that isn't realistic. I also know I tend to latch on to the negatives, the mistakes, the faux pas of the past versus embracing the successes. It's a hard habit to break. It's a learning experience through and through and I'm trying to embrace that as much as I can.

In a few months time, I hope that I can be writing about how I finally feel comfortable and found my rhythm at this new job. I hope that I an write and proclaim the successes which I had a hand in creating. Until then, I just need to take things one step at a time.

The Friends: I realize it's been a very long time since I had written about my friends as well. They're all still there, but as we have all taken on our careers/grad school/law school etc, things have changed of course. I am happy to say that I still have a core group of friends who I see often and am very close with. We still hang out every week if we can, have meals together, go out together, and even vacation together. My friends are only next to my family in what keeps me level headed in this world. While we are now busy with work and maybe don't see each other as often as we used to, I'm happy we all still make the effort to make what time we do spend together count.

My forever best friends Maria and Christine are also doing well. Maria has moved to New York and graduated law school in the last year. She's also now living with her boyfriend who I am happy to report is still as chill and good to her as I initially predicted years ago. Christine has moved to London after many years in Paris and is excited for her next adventure. Ever since we spent New Years together a few years ago I've wanted to see her and hang out again in person, if only because we can feed off each other's antics for days. My friends mean more to me than most people could ever imagine.

Alright, it's getting late and I should try and get some sleep. I know I've said this too many times, but if you are reading this today, and especially if you have followed this blog since before this post, I want to thank you. I know I have never met any of you in person, but it's a comfort and privilege to know there are some people, even if it is just a few, who enjoy catching up on what in the world that once awkward high school turned college student turned young adult has been up to.

I hope you and your lives have been well.

All the best,

JP

That Summer Night Drive

There are some songs which are so closely tied to specific memories that I can instantly re-live that moment if it comes on. Some are happy, some are sad, but they are all transport me to some key event in my life. Driving earlier tonight, a song came on the radio that I had not heard in years and I had one of these moments.

A little background - my parents lived separately basically my entire life. On the weekends we would stay at my dad's house in Maryland while during the week, I stayed with my mom and grandparents in Virginia. So whenever we left my dad's house on Sunday evenings back to Virginia, it was always when Delilah was on the local soft rock station and we would listen to her program during this ride home. This being the late Nineties, there were many songs which I'm sure were played and I have since long forgotten, but there are two which for whatever reason have linked themselves to this Sunday night drive. The first is Seal's "Kiss from a Rose."

As I was driving home earlier tonight, Kiss From a Rose came on the radio and instantly I was transported back to when I was 8, sitting in the back seat of my mom's burgundy Corolla coming home from my dad's house.  I can see the violet skies transitioning to dark blue as the sun sets behind us. Tall trees surround us with branches hanging over the winding two lane road while peeks of light from the houses tucked away behind the brush glimmered like earthbound stars to my 8 year old eyes. There is the gentle hum of the car's engine revving higher and lower we rolled up and down hills. I can even feel the cool air conditioning on my skin, soothing compared to the humid summer air outside. I'm sitting in the back seat watching the world pass as the song played from the speakers.

This drive itself is not something especially unique. I've probably ridden the route thousands of times since I was a baby, but it is such a significant part of my childhood because of how regular it was. Nearly every weekend until I got my own license, this was the routine. So when Kiss From a Rose song came on during my drive home tonight and I had a flashback to my childhood self, it was honestly a little unsettling but not in an uncomfortable way. It was familiar and warm.

When I got home, I instantly played the other song that I associate with this exact same moment of my early childhood. That song is "I Love You Always Forever" by Donna Lewis. This song was one of my favorites growing up. In fact, my mom would remind me in my teenage years that when I was little, I would always sing along to the song knowing every word like the back of my hand. Even today I remember the lyrics despite not being able to tell you who the singer was until I just looked it up for this post. Like Kiss From a Rose, this song takes me back to the same summer night drive. For whatever reason, both of these songs became linked to this period of my life.

I'm sure you probably have songs which take you back to some key memories and parts of your life much like these two songs do for me. Go listen to them. Hopefully they will bring back some happy memories like these two did for me.

All the best,

JP

Coming Back Home

I don't remember the last time I came home and spent a full weekend with just my mom and myself. The chance doesn't come up often; with my roommate and boyfriend both wanting to do things, usually I stick around my apartment and be social as most mid 20-somethings do. This past weekend however, my roommate was out of town with his girlfriend and my boyfriend was back home in New York with his family. So, I decided to say fuck it, I'm going home. My real home.

Going back to my childhood house is a different experience now compared to even it was during college. Going home felt like a chore to me for a long time. I was too busy having fun with friends, drinking out in the city, or just enjoying something new than to be bothered with trekking back into the familiar and boring suburbs. This time it was different. This time I cleared my schedule and just enjoyed being in the company of family, familiar surroundings, and not having to worry about "what's next?" or "What do you want to do tonight?"

Work the past few weeks has been killing me. I had 10+ hour days most of this last week and the same the week before. Every weekend has been so busy entertaining people in town or throwing parties for friends that I haven't been able to just relax, read, or even sleep soundly. Coming home was my escape, and for the first time in weeks, I actually feel relaxed. I woke up Saturday and made coffee and watched the news. I helped my mom on her Costco run. We cleaned together and enjoyed dinner and catching up. This afternoon I went to my favorite cafe and just read a book for over an hour. It was so nice I felt like I was committing a sin. This whole weekend reminded me of how things used to be, before I had to balance work, maintaining a relationship, and a social life that requires constant travel to and from the city. 

It may sound like I'm long for the past, and to an extent, that is true. I think everyone to some extent wishes they could reclaim a time when adult responsibility and earning a paycheck didn't dictate many of your actions. That being said, this weekend made me remember that I always will have somewhere I can turn and escape if I ever need to. I will never be turned down or away from coming back and just spending some time with my family. Heck, I'm sure my mom would love for me to spend even more weekends with her. This weekend also reminds me it's not just okay to get away, but also something that I should do rather than feel awkward about doing. 

I'm writing this post on the same couch and probably the same spot when I first conceived of this blog over 8 years ago. This morning I woke up in the same bed, in the same room, which bears the same decorations just as I left it when I went to college almost 7 years ago now. It's unnerving to think how much I and the world has changed these past years, yet so comforting that some things will remain so steady.

All the best,

JP

Goodbye Old Friend

I lost one of my best friends this weekend. He and I knew each other for nearly 13 years. He saw me through some of the happiest and tragic moments in my life. His name was Max and he was my dog.

We adopted Max when he was 3 years old from a local shelter here in the DC area. His previous owner had to move and could not bring him so we was put up for adoption. At that time, I had been wanting to get a dog for months. My parents and I had visited multiple shelters, saw many dogs, but had not adopted one yet. I still remember seeing him for the first time. He was in his own run and followed me wherever I was in front of his space. He had an adorable split face - half brown, half white with some light brown and black spots on his hind legs and a black tip on the white side of his face. A man who I assumed worked at the kennel said "He's a bad dog" for reasons unknown but at the point, I know which dog I wanted to give a forever home. We ended up taking Max home the next day, and for the record, that man was wrong.

A funny story was that the moment we got Max home, he bolted out of the car and immediately started running away. I think he thought it was a game, or maybe it was a test to see if we truly were ready to take him into our family. We chased him around the neighborhood for 15 minutes until a man in a truck distracted him long enough for us to catch him. A great start to out relationship, eh?

Over the following years, Max became a part of my family. He was the only dog in the entire family and everyone came to love Max and Max came to love everyone else.

 Max became my best friend from the moment we brought him home. He was mischievous, clever, and had an energy in him that stuck around well until his late adulthood. He always found a way to sneak food off a table, jump on to his favorite perch on the couch, or run upstairs and hide under beds. He knew he wasn't supposed to, but he never turned down a challenge. His energy also translated to his love of games. He was always down for fetch, tug-o-war, or his favorite - playing with his basketball. He would run around pushing it with his body and flip it around on the lawn, staining himself bright green in the process. His energy seemed limitless at times.

He saw me through countless key moment in my life. He was there always willing to listen to me talk when I was too afraid to tell something even to my closest friends. He looked at me with the cute brown eyes and never judged me over the silliest or serious of topics. He was there to help see me through when I came out, 3 graduations, meeting my first boyfriend, and the passings of some of my closest family members. Whenever I needed someone to talk things through with, he was ready to listen to my worries, my excitement, and my stories.

Max lived a good life and saw more of the world than many people do. He traveled all around the DC area and to Florida where he ran around on the beaches and plodded through the Atlantic surf. He went to lakes and parks and loved meeting other dogs wherever we went. He always loved car rides and would perch himself on the center arm rest so he could look out the windshield.

As he got older, he naturally slowed down. His brown spots on his hind legs faded away as he started to go white and he was more and more content with napping in the warm sunlight and cuddling on the couch than the constant running of his more youthful days, but he was still the same loving him. We would chat and he would listen as attentively as always. His brown eyes would always watch whatever I'd do with the clarity and sparkle present since the first day we brought him home. Eventually he went deaf and over time, his voracious appetite also started to decline. Dementia also started creeping in around the time he hit his mid-teens. Things progressed as he approached 16 and his health was declining quicker and quicker. He soon couldn't comfortably walk and he started having stomach issues and sensitivity.

After a series of events and incidents, my mom and I had a talk about Max's future. Max was part of our family and his happiness and comfort was our #1 concern. We knew he wasn't comfortable and he longer loved the things he loved his entire life. It was one of the hardest decisions I had ever had to make and I cried longer and harder than I had for years prior. I was going to be saying goodbye to my best friend and I didn't want to do that. We had to do what was best for him, even if that meant putting us through pain. Max was put to sleep yesterday, Saturday a little before 3pm.

I'm going to miss you, Max. I love you and I hope you're in a better place where you can play, eat, and have the time of your life forever. You're a good boy.

-JP

Climbing Up Into Clouds of Uncertainty

I remember all too clearly when I started my first job right out of college just over 2 years ago today. I was nervous, jittery, working late nights, and all just so I could get ahead and make a good name of myself. I also remember that a few months later, I was dreading everything. I even dedicated an entire post to this period in my life. I felt lost, confused, and was trying to find a way out by any means possible short of getting fired. I hated my job, I felt unfulfilled, and honestly, I missed being at school.

If you told me from a year and a half ago that I would still be at the same company, my from back them would have laughed and probably even felt a little disappointed in myself. "Why didn't you leave? Could you not find another job?" past me would have said. And that may have been the case. A little over a year ago today, I was interviewing with a few places, trying to find a way out. Nothing ultimately panned out.

Fast forward to today. I stuck it out at my job, entered a rotational program with a marketing/strategy type group last fall at the same company, and this past June, I changed jobs again and got promoted from the rotational program. 

So, uhhh.....I'm a manager now. Surprise?

So I don't manage people, well, not directly at least. I tell people in other departments what they need to do and I hold their managers and directors accountable. It's a strange place to be. I'm 23 close to 24, and I have an office, a manager title, and a strong, but not spectacular salary. I work on an equal level with people who manage teams and have years on years of experience over me. I'm invited to executive round tables, have to speak with directors as if they were my peers, and am held to a standard and have responsibilities that I feel are above my experience level.

I feel like a child dressed up in dad's suit and trying to fit in at the adult table the first year I'm allowed to sit there on Thanksgiving. I feel like I'm playing a game or performing in some kind of act, and eventually the illusion will break and people will stop respecting what I tell them. Yes, it's a professional office and people take their jobs seriously enough to not mock me or talk down to me, yet still, it still feels wrong that me, a guy who graduated two years ago and is less than a handful of years past the legal drinking age, has the job I do.

I'm feeling a lot of the same emotions I felt when I hit bottom after I started working right out of school. Maybe it's just the same emotions that come with starting any new job. I'm working late nights again. I constantly worrying that I've done something wrong despite the generally glowing reviews I have heard so far. I'm also caught in the cycle of feeling that despite my best efforts, at the end of the day, people see what I do as mediocre or simply disappointing. Without going too in depth, the nature of my job and team is not a glamorous one. Reps that get the end products of what my team puts out generally don't care much for it or don't think of it much, managers who have to manage those reps see me mostly as a source of extra work and stress, and the directors and VPs see my team as useless, slow moving oafs who are out of touch from what the reps actually need and provide little of value. As someone who thrives on feedback, I think you can see why I may be so anxious all the time and struggle with relaxing and unwinding at the end of the day. I won't say I'm at nearly a low spot as I was a year and a half ago, but the deja vu is real.

If you've made it this far, I wanted to apologize for the constant "I feel/I'm feeling" repetitiveness you have read so far. With any major change that has occurred in my life, there is one thing that I've come to notice about myself and that is that my emotions tend to ramp up before eventually settling back down. So you are seeing me cope right now. I'm trying to find a way to reconcile a few pieces and sides of me.

1. Me, the 23 Year old who is trying to play adult and become comfortable working with others much older and experienced than myself and seeing them as peers

2. Me, the young professional who knows he can do the job and do it well. I know I will always put in my best and triple check all details of what do to put out a quality product.

-and-

3. Me, the person who needs to realize that at the end of the day, I need to take care of myself and realize the world does not revolve around work or pleasing others. 

Where will I end up ultimately in the long term? I don't know. I did just start a new job. My new director saw something in me to request a promotion for me and have me join her team. That being said, I don't know if this is the job that I want to stick with as a career. My coworkers are great people and I do interesting and challenging work. But again, like when I started my first job, that sense of fulfillment is missing. The day I can wake up and be excited to go to work and truly love what I'm doing is when I will stop exploring my career options. That's why even now, I am still searching for jobs.

Who knows, maybe that sense of fulfillment will slowly build the longer I stay in this job. If hindsight has taught me anything, the longer you stick it out, the easier things become.

Wish me luck.

All the Best,

JP

Successful Night

It's been a while since I've seen my friend Maria smile and truly glow with life. After we both graduated high school and then undergrad, I've always hoped I would see her with that spark in her eye again. A spark that says "fuck yeah this is what I'm capable of." It has been a long time since I've seen that smile. School, friend, and boy drama always seemed to drag her down. But tonight was different. I got to see a fire and spark in her again for the first time in what seemed like forever.

Tonight was one of those rare nights where Maria, myself, and Christine were all in town, and tonight, we had a fourth joining us for dinner. Maria, for the first time, had a true boyfriend that made her giddy and truly enthused with the world. Let's call this new man Jack. Maria and Jack met through Tinder and had chatted for months while she was still at law school half way across the country. Jack was in DC, hundreds of miles away. Their romance grew over time, first texting, then nightly face-timing, and now that Maria is back in the DC area for the summer, actually hanging in person. If Tinder needed an example couple for their marketing materials, I think they may have found a prime example. But I digress.

The reason I was so excited for dinner tonight was a simple one. Tonight would be the first time I would meet Jack in person. This meant a lot for me because:

1. Maria has always told me that if I didn't like a potential suitor, she couldn't continue the relationship. Big pressure on him and me to have that male-bond "click"

2. I wanted to size this guy up since I have high standards and expectations for Maria (I'm protective, what can I say?)

3. She's been hyping him up for months so I kinda need to meet this dude in person, y'know?

So the four of us met for sushi in DC and immediately hit it off. He's a pretty soft spoken guy but good looking and charming. He rolled with the punches and the jabs Christine and I made and even made  few jokes back himself. He had a deep voice and muscular arms and protector vibe to him that made me comfortable that Maria would be safe.

We were really starting to get comfortable when I got a call from the BF. Except, it wasn't the BF on the other end of the line. It was one of his coworkers.

He had gone out on a day trip earlier that day with some of his coworkers and was sick. A combination of too much drink and sea-sickness got the better of him (they were out on a boat). His coworker was worried for him and wanted to make sure he made it back safe and that he wasn't alone. Getting that call ended up being the end of the long await night for me. I had gotten through maybe a third of my drink when I got the call and my food wasn't even close to arriving. I asked my waitress to have my food packed to-go, said my hurried good-byes, and I Ubered back to my apartment to await him and his ride.

Was it upsetting that everything came to an abrupt end? Yeah. I had been looking forward to meeting Maria's new boyfriend all week, and after the last few weeks of hell that work has been, I was excited to unwind with some old friends. But that said, even for the short time I was able to see Maria, Christine, and Jack, I could see in Maria's eyes that she had truly found someone that made her happy. That brightness was back, the smiles were genuine, and the laughs at Jack's bad jokes could not be faked. Thankfully my BF is ok as well. He's embarrassed, upset, and will probably have the hangover from hell in the morning, but he too is safe and curled up in my bed. So with the twists, turns, and unexpected bumps, one good thing did some out of tonight, and that is being able to know that my best friend is finally, truly, happy. That made tonight a successful night.

All the best,

JP

Remember Me?

Remember me?

The guy who promised too many times he would be writing more often on this blog but then didn't?

Yeah, I'm kind of an asshole and liar and really over-promised and under delivered on that front. But that being said, I found myself once again browsing through the blog and really getting nostalgic of all the things gone past. I read about my past crushes and loves, the old high school dances and regattas that once consumed my mind and consciousness, and more than that, all the crazy life events I was so sure would alter the path of my life irreparably but never did. This brought so many things into perspective for me, realizing and remembering the lesson that in the long term, everything works out. It also made feel like I should write again (for real this time) to keep this journal going, so one day, I can hopefully look back again and see just how far I came.

Since my last post, things have (predictably) deviated from my expectations. Let's break it down, shall we?

"He's a special guy and we've made it longer than almost all the other gay couples I know have gone, so three cheers to us and many more to come."

Yes! The boy and I are still together. We recently celebrated our two year anniversary and somehow have managed not to kill each other.

Since my last February update, he has since graduated and started working. And while his undergraduate status may have changed, some things don't. I still find ways to embarrass him and he does a damn good job of making me cringe in public. Having hit the two year mark of our relationship and the initial butterflies and giddiness having long worn off, things have calmed down quite a bit and have become pretty routine and even boring at times. Maybe it's just because we're both working now or that we have exhausted much of what DC has to offer, but I am trying to find new ways to make things more interesting again. I still love him and would do anything for him (well, almost anything), but a shot of energy would be great. Any ideas or thoughts?


"In other boyfriend news, we are.....get ready for this.....house hunting." 

No, we are not living together. After a long house hunting process and building tours, we decided it would be best for us to not live together. It came down to wants and needs. He and I work in very different locations and he wanted to live in the city while I wanted to stay outside of DC if possible.

So what happened?

When he graduated, he got an apartment downtown where he wanted while this past June, I moved out of the family home and into an apartment with one of my former coworkers ("former: as he since has moved on to a new job at a new organization. The boyfriend has a studio while I am in a two bed two bath unit in a high rise just outside DC. I got my master bed and bath, garage parking, gym, and location close to my friends, while he gets his city lifestyle and ease of public transport to his job. It was the best compromise and allows us to meet our needs while still being able to easily see each other on the weekends


"I need to figure out my career path and where I want to go once I hit the one-year mark at my current job and if I want to stay or move to a new company at a new location."

The roller coaster of my last few posts where I came to despise my job has taken yet another turn. I am still at the same company but I finally found a way out of the sales team and into marketing. If you have followed my blog from when I was back in college, you would know I majored in Marketing so this move was a big boost for me. I joined a six-month rotational program in the marketing team back in September and am now about half way through. My new manager is very blunt, fun, and talkative and I finally have much more freedom to be creative and do what I studied and love.

That being said, as my rotation only goes officially for another three months or so, soon I will need to once again figure out where I want to go and what I want to do. So, if you know marketing, programs, or analyst positions open in the DC area, holla at me.


So there is once again another snapshot into the life of JP. With the holiday season coming around, I hope everyone has a great December. Stay Warm.

All the best,

JP

Valentines Day, 2015, and Where I've Been

Valentines Day is just around the corner again and for the second year, it looks like I will have someone to actually spend it with. I'm now officially 2 for 22 years which is a solid record for my book, V-Days spent with hookups not withstanding. I've made reservations at the Kennedy Center and if things work out, dessert at Ted's Bulletin is on the agenda. I still don't know what I want to do in terms of a V-Day gift. I think I will make a card for him and see if my crafting skills are in any way near as good as my cooking skills.

Speaking of the BF, unfortunately he was sick earlier this week but since then he's gotten better. I made him a batch of matzah ball soup which I will like to imagine has amazing curative properties, but I'd probably bet my money on the Alka-Seltzer Cold Meds I got for him which kicks Tylenol's ass any day of the week. We've been together now for a few months north of a year, give or take a month or so, and things are going pretty smoothly overall. Yeah, we have out spats and he has his annoying habits, but knowing my own stubbornness and faults, I'd say we're even. He's a special guy and we've made it longer than almost all the other gay couples I know have gone, so three cheers to us and many more to come.

In other boyfriend news, we are.....get ready for this.....house hunting. Yup. He's going to be working in the DC area after he graduates school much like I am currently and we're looking  find a place together. I'm a big fan of Arlington and Court House while he is a huge fan of Dupont and being more down town, but that is a bridge we will have to cross when we get to it. I need to figure out my career path and where I want to go once I hit the one-year mark at my current job and if I want to stay or move to a new company at a new location.

Dupont: So Pretty, So Close to Cobalt, So Expensive....

So how is the job going? Well, it got better and worse in a few ways. Ever since I originally posted about my first real job a few months back in September (Holy Shit, that was September...), I've seen myself kick butt in every quarter I've been in my position. I've blown away all standard metrics and I push myself to reach my stretch goals as well. So by most measures, work has been going pretty well. So why did I say that things are also worse? Well, each passing day just makes me realize that I'm not learning or growing in the job I have. Sure, I can talk about tech like few can and the sales skills I have will probably be useful in some way, but I have hit a plateau in my own knowledge, and it sucks. I hit this plateau many months back. After training and everything concluded, I've applied the things I have known and the methodology I learned in a very cut-paste-repeat sort of way. Sure, sales can be rewarding and the money is definitely good, but there has never been a day where I was actually excited to go into work. I want to be thrilled. I want to wake up and be excited to see what the day has to offer. With each passing day, my enthusiasm wanes, and I've been running near empty for a while now. Probably by the end of the month, I will start looking around for what other options are out there.

So 2015: What's on the Agenda?

Well 2015 is off to a pretty docile start to be honest. Maybe it's because I graduated and "the real world" is inherently less exciting, or maybe it's just because I'm tired of a routine which I find draining and dull. That being said, with the prospect of a new job come June and moving in with the boyfriend, there are many big life changing events in the deck of cards.

I hope to travel this year at some point. Mom and I want to take a week on vacation at some point and a cruise is our go-to option. It would likely be towards Fall or late Summer, but I have zero objections.

So where have I been?

I don't think I mentioned this earlier, but I do hope you guys have been well. I've neglected this blog severely and all I can offer is a few explanations as to why.

1. Twitter - A while back I started getting more involved in Twitter and the convenience of quick, snippy posts and interacting with life minded people really appealed to me. I've made some pretty good friends off of Twitter actually even met a few of the people I met randomly on there in person too. A lot of what I originally funneled here now gets pushed there for convenience's sake.

2. I started a new lifestyle blog which has taken over most of my long-writing efforts and time. It's a cooking and food related blog which has become a pet project of mine. I hope it helps inspire new cooks to break out of their shells and see that cooking does not have to be a scary and confusing endeavor. Unfortunately it links to a number of my private accounts so I won't be linking it here. My apologies.

3. I've become more comfortable talking with my friends. My best friend Maria and I have become even closer in the last few months since I graduated and she moved away to attend law school. Distance makes the heart grow fonder, and if anything, our now 18 year friendship only got stronger after we both started on our new adventures. We talk as often as possible, recounting our successes, failures, happy moments, and our pains. We don't bottle things up as much from each other and that has helped me a lot in expressing what otherwise would wear at me.

Balancing all of these things, plus work, plus working out, plus making sure I still make time for my family and my friends has honestly been a struggle. I'm still finessing the balance as I type this and will likely will continue to do so for a while to come. As the handful of you guys who have followed this blog for a few years knows, I really like stability in my life, and uncertainty can throw me for a spin. Once I get my shit sorted, excuse me for the language, I will find a way to make sure I don't neglect things like this blog which I have so much invested so much time into over these past 6 years. I still read every comment, reply whenever appropriate, and catch up with the blogs I follow on here as well. I realized something as I was going through some of my old posts from back in high school earlier this week. For the few of you who still follow this blog and still take time out of your day to read the scribblings of some now 22 year old guy from Virginia whose graduation was chronicled twice in this blog, you have known me longer than many people who I call friends today.

In all honesty, you guys, as loose a connection and however many degrees away we are from each other, are people and friends who I have known and have seen me grow and mature (sorta) for years now. You have given me advice, provided me with support through my tough times, and for that, thank you.

I hope everyone who is reading this has a great weekend and a happy Valentines Day. Even if you are single, take time to treat yourself to a day of relaxation and fun with friends or even just enjoy time with yourself. Love your boyfriend, love your girlfriend, love your friends and family, and love yourself.

All the best,

JP

Happy Thanksgiving Update

So it has been three months. I guess I have quite a lot to catch up on, eh?

Lots of things have happened: Halloween, Thanksgiving, getting myself a new car, the BF and I celebrated our one-year anniversary, and more. Plenty of stories to be told and plenty of embarassing and triumphant moments to recount.

While I don't know how many of you out in the blog world still check in on my little corner of the internet, I am working on another post that hopefully will be up in the next few days.

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving and I look forward to writing up an update soon. To all the people who have left comments and have been checking in on me, thank you. I really appreciate the support and feedback from the people on here.

All the best,

JP

The Hollow Men

"This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper."

Ends of The Hollow Men by T.S. Elliot

Some say it's one of the most quoted lines in all of poetry and possibly writing itself. It certainly is one of the most recognizable.

Those words have been applied to many a situation, and here I am doing the same.

When I last wrote, I was still caught in the euphoria that was preparing for my grand entry into the adult world. A land of milk and honey. Lavish corporate spending to make me, to make us, the new hires, feel special. Feel appreciated. Feel like we were the shiniest toys on the shelf of FAO Schwarz with dozens of doey eyed children pining for us. In the weeks since, things have changed. A mere week after I wrote that post, I returned home back East. I was excited. I was going to be joining my peers on the battlefront, courting clients, being the invincible warrior they made us believe we were.

I pined to be back East. The West coast was beautiful. It was fun, it was quirky. Sure, the people were slow and living in a hotel grew old, but now I yearn for those moments back. As much as I hated being in training all day with some questionable people in conference rooms with little real sunlight, it was engaging. It was interesting to learn. And as much as I did not recognize it as much then, it was fun.

Sitting in my cube all day makes me realize just star struck and manipulated my view can become. I lost touch with reality. The real world is not day after day of cater lunches, freshly made beds, clean wash cloths, and perfect 75 degree weather. It's hours on the phone, hours building hideously long excel spreadsheets, hours using software and tools you are told are amazing when in reality they make you angry half the time and work properly even less than that. Sure, the benefits are great and I nearly doubled the household income off the bat, but maybe I should have made sure I kept a hold on my expectations. Training is in no way realistic to the what actually happens on a day to day basis. I am not going to have brilliant conversations day in and day out. I will not have the luxury of having contacts and beautiful information to work with, bequeathed to me from my predecessor. Every day will be spent in the monotonous routine of figuring out what I want to do with limited direction and people who I can almost never reach even if they tell me to call them at any time.

I charged into the battlefield ready to take on the world. I hoped to dive into the fray with a bang, instead, I often find myself questioning and whimpering. Maybe I should have slowed down. Maybe I'm still stuck in the bottom bowl of the U-shaped culture shock curve. Not even three months in to my job and I already feel like I may have made a mistake.

I told myself  and others, "No, no, I like doing this stuff." I believed myself then. I genuinely did. But looking back, I have to think, did I just say that so much that I believed in my own lie? It's hard not to sound like a whiny brat when I'm complaining about a having a job when so many in my shoes are jobless. Thousands of college graduates would probably love to be where I am now - employed, meeting my metrics, and being so close to DC. But I always expected I would do more.

I want my career to be in a field and with me doing something that I love, and in the role I am in and in the industry I am in, that is not the case. Sure, there is plenty of room for career development in my company, and if and when I choose to change my line business, maybe it will all suddenly be better. But as of now, all I feel like I'm counting the days until I can move on to a my next adventure. I will kick ass at whatever job I'm at. The only thing that I fear more than failing others is failing myself. I set the bar high for myself because I know that's when I work best.

So maybe I will have to bite the bullet and go along with the cold routine at least until I reach the one year mark. Maybe then I can move to somewhere new. Maybe then I can find that job that clicks. And maybe then that job will also end up being not what I was hoping to do. I may go through three, five, hell, maybe even ten jobs before I find "the one," but one day I know I will find it.

And I will wake up happy and excited to go to work. 

-JP