Two Weeks Until a New Chapter: Graduation and The Future

If you were to tell me that I would one day be less than two weeks from graduating from college I would have laughed in your face. Well, that day has arrived. In less than two weeks, I will be walking across that stage. In less than two weeks I will be going to my final senior formal. In less than two weeks, I will be saying my goodbyes to some of the people who have shaped me in my most malleable of times - when I first entered the collegiate world.

The only things that stand between me and that day is when I will no longer be an undergrad are a three page group write up and two cases, that, and time.

It terrifies me to think that I four years ago, I was going through a similar period of nervous energy and anxiety when I knew my high school graduation was similarly around the corner. Like it was four years ago, graduation will serve as the page turn that opens to a new chapter in my life. Instead of entering my potentially final years of schooling, I will be entering the workforce. Instead of saying goodbye to friends who I knew almost exclusively within the concrete wall confines of my high school or the shell of a boat, I will be saying goodbye to people who I have lived with...

people I have seen every day for years

people I took my shot of alcohol with

people who have seen me at my very highs

people who I have seen in the lowest of lows

people who I have gotten lost in foreign countries with

people who have made me more mature

and people who have made me embrace the times to let loose.

But beyond just saying goodbye, I will still be able to stay close with many people who I'm proud to call now some of my best friends.

The job I was able to get will keep me in the DC area. Many of my closest friends, people I have known since the first day I moved in to my freshman dorm, are also going to be working in the DC area at least for a few years. If there is one lesson that graduating from high school taught me, it's that to keep your most trusted friends close to you. I made many friends in HS, but I equally lost contact with nearly as many people once we went to our ways for college. I know that many relationships I have today will also likely end in the same way. It's the unavoidable consequence of meeting countless people but eventually crafting a close group of those who you really trust. My close circle today is smaller than it was in high school, which I think is for the better. We've experienced more together and have bonded at a level which I think is deeper than my relationships were in the past.

I will also not have to say goodbye to my boyfriend in the same way I expected I would have to. He too will be interning in the DC area this summer. While I don't want to sound selfish, I can't say that I was not a little excited when I found out he will be here. While we both will be working, I hope to still spend time together over the next few months and once he returns for his final year at school as well.

I'm scared. I'm excited. I still don't know what I'm really doing with my life.

I guess I will just have to take things one step at a time.

-JP

Jealousy/Awe

Sometimes I'm jealous of everything he does. His passion and love for everything he is involved in makes me feel inadequate...

...but that just drives me to push myself harder, to pursue what makes me happy and make myself the best I can be at that craft. It feels odd at times to realize that I say that I desire someone that does things and has passions that differ from mine, yet once I'm with someone who has those qualities, I'm stuck with a feeling that can only be described as the on the border of jealousy and awe. But I guess I just need to work on realizing that I shouldn't be jealous about something just because he can do it while I can't. Sure, I wish I could dance better, lift more, or have the joie de vivre he can display in a heartbeat, but I'm also not going to be someone I'm not.

In some ways, though, I'm still the cooking loving, car crazed, pseudo French speaking, hopeless romantic that I was when I first started this blog now nearly five years ago. It was that dorky and semi awkward wannabe bro he was attracted to when he met me, and he is the sexy, brilliant, and caring stud I fell for. We share enough interests to make things between us real and have enough differences to prove our relationship is not just fleeting. 

He's.....special.

-JP

Into The Woods

I recently went on a retreat  that was organized by the LGBT center here on campus in the mountains of Northwestern Virginia. I initially was hesitant to go; retreats never felt like something I would be interested in. Since my freshman year, they always felt to me like they were only done for those take unusual pleasure in extended self introspection and storytelling, things I never were truly interested in. I also didn't intend to go on this trip because my boyfriend was hesitant to push me, a senior, go, because it was targeted more towards lower years. In the end, however, I decided to apply and give it a shot.

We left on a cold, rainy morning and arrived at the retreat headquarters a little over an hour later. I knew there would be a busy and well followed schedule on this retreat and this turned out to be true. We had a quick lunch and and soon the icebreakers and discussions began. I thought I would hate or at least dislike having to look at myself in such a deep way. I have never been one who enjoys facing my inner demons or even my inner strengths. It makes me uncomfortable. That said, however, I came to enjoy hearing the stories, the talks, the bonding with my fellow LGBT peers. It grew slowly but surely, and the next thing I knew I was starting to tell my story, my experiences, and my fears. That initial peeking over the fence soon led to me climbing over entirely and diving head first into the retreat.

The day which started so early in the morning flew by quicker than I ever imagined. Soon the sun set and the lights were turned down low. As students, alumni, and faculty read their reflections, I felt tears start to well up on multiple occasions. Tears of joy, tears of sympathy, tears of fear. As we broke off again and again into our small group reflections and meetings, I found myself talking more openly than I had in what felt like years. It was moving. It was liberating. It was terrifying.

That first night, after all planned activities had come to an end, I wandered off on my own into the dark. I stood in the middle of the road and breathed in the cold, mountain wind. I listened to the silence, punctuated by the occasional sound of wind whistling through the branches of the bare trees. I stood in the pale glow of moonlight and stood in wonder of the stars above. I felt small.

The next morning the talks continued. The theme of the day was to look towards the future. Where did I wan to go? What do I want to do to better myself? I heard the stories of an Alumni and the director of the center. An individual who I had known and met back during the very first week of my freshman year. She had helped see me though my time of fear and hardship when I didn't know what I wanted to do. She had continued to help me all those years since and today, I finally got to show her my appreciation. I hugged her harder than anyone else I knew on that retreat.

Her story, the stories of my peers, and my experience over those past 24 hours left me confused, anxious, but also reflective. In my last post, I talked about how I felt regret, sadness, and even jealousy over just how little I feel like I had done over the past four years. What if I had done more? What if I took that extra step? What if I just had the courage to take charge and not hold back? These talks, however, helped me realize one thing. While I may have only less than one semester left at my school, I should not waste time looking at what I hadn't done with my time at college, but I should work to embrace and take advantage of what time I have left instead.

A weak man spends his whole life wondering about the past and regretting his missed opportunities, but a brave man takes those regrets and turns them into action moving forward. I want to be a brave man. My time at my school as a student may be limited, but the opportunities to make those most of my time are almost endless. If I can make even the tiniest positive change on campus, the LGBT community, and the lives of those I have touched, I will be satisfied.

JP

Regret and Hope

It's an odd feeling being a second semester senior. Whenever I've been asked by people about how I feel, I always give the same "bittersweet but excited for what the future holds" response. It is bittersweet knowing a place that I have called home for the last three and a half years will soon be over. I will be leaving with a treasure trove of memories, experiences, knowledge, and friends that I hope to keep for the rest of my life, but I will also be leaving with something else: a sense of regret.

Life always operates by us looking backwards and reflecting on our past. The "what ifs" of my lives will always follow us like a shadow. Looking back, I wonder about what I would have done differently, what I would have tried sooner, what I would have not tried at all, and what I would things be like if I just decided to talk to this group versus that  the first days I arrived on campus. I wonder about what things might have been like if I said "hi" to my boyfriend when I first met him over two years ago instead of just getting to know him better within the last year like I did. I wonder about how things would be different if I just got more involved in a club more. 

I regret having burned some bridges while I was here. If I could go back and stopped myself from ever doing what I did, I would. Many of these bridges have been mended, but many no longer remain.

For all my regrets and "what ifs", I am hopeful for what the future holds. I recently received an offer from a company that I really like for a job that would have me doing something that I love. I would also be able to stay in the DC area which was one of my top criteria when looking for jobs. I'm pretty sure I'm going to accept the offer once I figure out some last details. 

My boyfriend and I are still together and it feels like each day I care about him more and more. He's had a positive effect on my life that very few people ever have. He makes me laugh, he makes me think, he challenges my thoughts, and he makes me happy. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I feel like the luckiest man in the world.

I'm thankful for what I have and where I am right now. I'm not just content with the world and myself like I usually am, I'm legitimately happy. 

All the best,

JP

Winter has Come. Happy 2014!

I've made more promises than I have been able to keep when it comes to this blog. From when I first started writing back in 2009, this became my way medium for expressing things I could otherwise not say and also as a chronicle of my everyday life. Today, it's been neglected. I'm sorry, Une Vie Compliquee, I have let you fall into disrepair. Here, then, is m latest attempt to revive you.

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Soon 2013 will be coming to an end. It seems crazy that it's happening so soon. Over a year ago I returned from Denmark and possibly the best semester of my life. I have completed another semester of college and now only have one left. Heck, I remember talking about how I though graduating high school was crazy on this blog; now, heck, I'll be entering the real world. 2013 has, in fact, flown by.

Nostalgia aside, many things have changed since I last wrote in October:

1. I finally found a job for the Spring semester. The search that I began back in October bore fruit in late November. I'm currently working at the university over winter break and will be working the same job in the Spring as well. I'm dropping to part-time student status in my final semester since I only need two more classes. It will be nice to be able to earn some money while I look for a permanent job as well.

2. I rocked this last semester. I pulled off the amazing my first semester of senior year. I ended up getting the highest grades I have ever gotten at college, pulling off straight As for the first time ever. I worked hard and it all paid off in the end.

3. The guy I mentioned in my last post, the junior who I have known for a few years now, we're now together. I don't know how much I will write in the future on this blog (I'm not gonna say I will because, well, we know how that turned out last time), so I'm hesitant to give him a name, but I will. We'll call him Clark. Clark and I bonded over his hospital stay, and since then, things have really progressed. We went on many dates and we made things official during this past finals period of all times. He's a fun, smart, hot, and all around amazing guy. If there is a way to sum it up, he makes me happy. He is, I guess, also my first official boyfriend. 

4. I got a smartphone. Yes, my few remaining readers, I only just got a smartphone. I broke off from my dad's cell plan and will now be paying for everything myself since I have a source of income, and well, because I think it's the responsible things to do. No, I did not get an iPhone; i'm an Android kind of guy.

2013 ended up being a pretty great year. I'm still really excited to see what 2014 has in store and the new adventures that await. Hopefully it will involve a job, Clark, and happy memories.

So, my dear readers, at least for those of you who have stuck around and listened to the ramblings of a now 21 year old near college graduate from since he was in high school. I wish you the happiest of new years and good health.

All the best,

JP