Une Vie Compliquée: Regret and Hope

Monday, February 3, 2014

Regret and Hope

It's an odd feeling being a second semester senior. Whenever I've been asked by people about how I feel, I always give the same "bittersweet but excited for what the future holds" response. It is bittersweet knowing a place that I have called home for the last three and a half years will soon be over. I will be leaving with a treasure trove of memories, experiences, knowledge, and friends that I hope to keep for the rest of my life, but I will also be leaving with something else: a sense of regret.

Life always operates by us looking backwards and reflecting on our past. The "what ifs" of my lives will always follow us like a shadow. Looking back, I wonder about what I would have done differently, what I would have tried sooner, what I would have not tried at all, and what I would things be like if I just decided to talk to this group versus that the first days I arrived on campus. I wonder about what things might have been like if I said "hi" to my boyfriend when I first met him over two years ago instead of just getting to know him better within the last year like I did. I wonder about how things would be different if I just got more involved in a club more.

I regret having burned some bridges while I was here. If I could go back and stopped myself from ever doing what I did, I would. Many of these bridges have been mended, but many no longer remain.

For all my regrets and "what ifs", I am hopeful for what the future holds. I recently received an offer from a company that I really like for a job that would have me doing something that I love. I would also be able to stay in the DC area which was one of my top criteria when looking for jobs. I'm pretty sure I'm going to accept the offer once I figure out some last details.

My boyfriend and I are still together and it feels like each day I care about him more and more. He's had a positive effect on my life that very few people ever have. He makes me laugh, he makes me think, he challenges my thoughts, and he makes me happy. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I feel like the luckiest man in the world.

I'm thankful for what I have and where I am right now. I'm not just content with the world and myself like I usually am, I'm legitimately happy.

All the best,

1 comment:

Hetero-ChallengedFebruary 4, 2014 at 2:15 AM
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Glossary

Some people I mention in this blog:

Maria - My best friend since kindergarden, I know almost everything about her and she about me. She was the first person I came out to and has been the rock ontowhich I go to when things get rocky in life. She's the only person I can actually speak completely open and frankly with. I don't know what I would do if I never met her all those years ago.

M - A girl I became friends with freshman year of high school, we've become very close friends and continue to be to this very day. We are surprisingly similar personality wise and value each other's opinion very highly. I can talk freely to M almost as much as I can with Maria. She currently attends an ivy-league university up north; I'm really glad we met all those years ago and can only imagine how my high school years would have turned out if we never met.

Miss X- Foodie, blogger, photgrapher, one of my best friends, and someone who can have a delightfully dry sense of humour. We met early on in high school and have been friends ever since. We often go on adventures accross NOVA with our little circle of friends which are occasionally recounted here on this blog.

Christine- Friends since we could barely ride half the roller coasters at theme parks, Christine is a magical being who is one of the few people I could and would talk about anything with for hours on end. She's currently spending much of her time in NYC though we still see each other very often. Her dramas sometimes make my drama seem like childsplay.

Mark -A former dorm mate, and now former crush. He came out as bi to me and Maudry one night which he has been increasingly comfortable with. He's tall, has short brown hair and used to play football. He's ambitious and looks to make a big impact in the world of Politics in the future. I have had a crush on him and we've gotten together a few times. I thought our relationship could have been something more, but in the end it will end up staying as a friendship. I hope only the best for him.

Liz - One of best friends at school. She's funny, charismatic and is someone who I can tell almost anything to. She's friends with Maudry, Mark and is part of the first floor crew who I love and frequently visited during my freshman year, we're still great friends today.

Matt - My now former love, hate, drug, everything. I met him back during my Sophomore year and the crush I developed on him that stuck for the longest time. He's tall, has brown blond hair and the rare but desirable "serious but funny" personality that makes me melt. He also has probably one of the best smiles of any guy I know. He was one of the captains of my high schools cross country team. For quite some time I've tried to end this obsession over him but everytime I seemed to make progress, I'd relapse. He's a great guy but in all liklihood he's straight.

Southern Charm (aka SC) - A guy on the crew team who had moved up from Florida during my senior year. He's charming, tall, and slim with brown slightly wavy short hair. When I first met him I got the thought that he might be gay, a thought I quickly suppressed. Since then, we had become pretty good friends. My friend Jess has a crush on SC. One evening on a car ride home, my friend Dutch told me she thought that SC might be gay, something I had repressed in my mind for months, but was pushed to the front of my mind again. He's now a freshman and is study engineering and comp sci in university.

Ben - A guy I had the pleasure of knowing for one of the best weeks of my life during a cruise over the summer. He's a bit shorter than me but was also a senior who runs cross country. We got to know each other pretty well and had many conversations during that week that I will probably never forget. He has brown hair and the most beautiful light brown eyes. I'm pretty sure he's straight but i couldn't help but get the feeling he could have been bi. He's mostly in my summer 2009 posts.

Dutch - My friend who I met during my junior year on the crew team. She's a fun great person to be around and is someone I could talk about anything with, especially during the private car rides back from practice. We both know of all the crew drama that goes on.

My Family - A network of people who I love with all my heart despite their nuances, quirks and often ridiculous practices. Apart from my mom, I haven't told anyone I'm gay and probably won't for a while. They're not ready for that and don't need the added stress.

Various Single Lettered Friends (L, T, K etc)- Friends I got too lazy to actually come up with an alias for (I gave up after five, how sad haha). They are usually someone from my close group of friends some of which I have come out to. We have a very mutually supportive relationship that fosters great bonds between us as a group.

**Names Changed to Preserve Anonymity**

Monday, February 3, 2014

Regret and Hope

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