What Could Have Been

Have you ever felt out of place before? You get that weird feeling in the pit of your stomach which makes you uneasy and feel like everyone is watching your every step and breath you take. It's strange and also kind of scary to realize that classes end in only two days for me and then all that stands between me and the end of my first year of college are a few finals. Comparing how things were in high school and now shows brings into view things that should have been obvious form the get go, yet still makes me feel uneasy all the same.

Probably something that I realize which made me feel rather uneasy is how competitive things have been for the few months I've been here. Back in high school things were different to say the least. I was in the top 5% of my class, maybe even in the top 15 or 20 students in the class of 2010 but now the playing field has changed drastically. I may have graduated with the cords, plaques, seals and medals that many others have but our backgrounds and level of work to get all of these is so different from my peers. While I came from a public school, and a pretty competitive one at that, the majority of people I know come from high level private schools where the expectations were likely higher than I had ever experienced. With graduating class sizes of 40, 30 or even 20, a quarter of which are sent to Ivy League schools or Tier 1 private universities, compared to my class size of over 600 and what was considered a great year when maybe a dozen made it to the Ivies, it's a big difference to say the least.

I've talked about this back in the beginning of the year in September or maybe October; I needed to adjust my expectations for myself. I knew I wouldn't be able to pull off the straight A's, 4.4 GPA and juggle extracurriculars like I used to, but just how much I would have to adjust my expectations hadn't become apparent to me until recently. While previously at the top, I'm now middling at best, and likely at the lower range of middling in all honesty. This semester I'm hoping to pull off 3 Bs and maybe, just maybe, two As. Seeing people seemingly float through classes I'm struggling in is like getting a cup of ice water thrown in my face every day; it's a daily wake up call for me and something I'm still not completely used to. My mom has always told me to just do my best and be proud of your work, no matter that grade you get or what other people have to say about it. I work hard and push myself like I always have, sometimes the expectations are just higher than you expect.

It's also fun in some convoluted way to think how if I did go to some of the other state schools I got accepted to how things would be different. I'd probably be closer academically to where I was in high school and I would still see many of my old friends, yet looking at everything I've experienced here in D.C. I also see how I would have been so sheltered. You don't know what you would be missing until after you've experienced it first hand and look back at the memories you've created. Still, I wonder how things would be different. Would it have been easier? simpler? more interesting? less interesting? What would I be like if I hadn't met Maudry, Mark, Liz and the countless others who I'm close friends with now?

Even with the difficulties however, I don't regret one bit choosing to go to the school I'm attending. I've met some great people, made friends with people from all kinds of backgrounds and have had some surprisingly good professors. Plus, even if I'm close to home, I still feel like I'm a world away. It's like beyond the front gates exists a whole new land, oceans and plains away from Northern Virginia even I really am just a metro ride away. It's the little touches that put the icing on the metaphorical cake that is my college experience to far.

Yeah, I've had my breakdowns, my triumphs and my "what the fuck?" moments but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I regret nothing.

JP