First Love

Hi there.

It's been a while, eh? I'm sorry it's been over two years since I last shared something here. The pandemic, big life moments, job changes, and more really made the last two years fly by.

But I wanted to return to this now over 10 year old home of my thoughts, feelings, and self reflection because...well, I needed a space to share some things that have been on my mind. Things that have been weighing me down and things that I haven't felt in years.

Being in a relationship for over 10 years now, I forgot what it's like to experience young love. That feeling where you get to know someone for the first time and feel drawn in, and where everything they do, even the most banal things, make you feel excited and giddy. That feeling where you are eager to see that next text, that next Snap, that next notification pop up on the corner of your screen. I forgot what it was like falling in love for the first time where you are chasing the thrill - the thrill of the first kiss, the next conversation, the next time you would be able to hold them in your arms.

I don't know where I am right now. I've met someone. They aren't someone new, but someone I've "known" over over a decade that re-entered my life earlier this year after stars aligned and circumstances worked out. He's a friend who I never had a chance to meet in person, but knew online for now over a decade. A friend who I occasionally kept in touch with over the years - a random text or exchange once a year, sometimes with gaps many years in between. But earlier this year, things changed.

We finally met in person. He was up in DC - we spent a day together, we caught up after over 10 years of anticipation and friendship. And from that, a new, deeper friendship bloomed. We've talked every day since. We flirt, we send pics, we share boring updates about our lives, our sexier moments, and also things like our latest hobby or movie we watched. I started experiencing that first love feeling all over again.

This weekend, we had the chance to see each other again and spend a few precious hours together for only the second time this past year. We cuddled, we kissed, we let out 8 months of anticipation since last had a chance to spend time together. For me at least, sparks flew hotter than ever. We always knew that we wouldn't probably be able to make anything more of our relationship beyond a fiery friendship - he lives half a country away, I have a boyfriend, and realistically, I don't think we are the right fit for each other. But even with all that, I can't help but feel drawn to him. My heart flutters when we talk. I get jealous when I know he's talking and meeting other guys. I dream about him. What am I? 20 again?

I know this isn't good for me, and I know I need to stop what we have. But part of my does not. Part of me thinks, what if our lives getting crossed again for a reason? What if in another life, another time in the future, it's meant to be?

This is bad, but I keep wanting more.

JP

Happy Thanksgiving, Friends

As we approach another Thanksgiving, and the second during a pandemic, I wanted to reflect on some things that I am truly thankful for. 

Despite daily annoyances, stress, and anxiety, I always try to remind myself of just how comfortable and priveleged a life I have, especially when so many others do not.

I'm thankful for a loving family, who for the first time in two years, I will be seeing all together again tomorrow

I'm thankful for friends, who I can be open with and can trust

I'm thankful for a loving boyfriend who I recently celebrated an 8 year anniversary with

I'm thankful for vaccines, and them making it possible for us to exit this pandemic as soon as possible

I'm thankful to have a stable, well paying job that, while it may drive me up the wall at times, affords me to live the life I want

I'm thankful for the roof over my head, and being able to live where I do - somewhere safe, engaging,  and full of life

And I'm thankful for the multicultural mish-mosh of food that will be on our Thanksgiving table tomorrow. I hope my parents, grandparents, and those before me see it as a symbol of their American dream came true.

I hope wherever you are, you have a great Thanksgiving. And if you are not celebrating, can take time to enjoy these coming days with those you care about.

Cheers,

JP

A letter to 04/06/2014 me

Dear 21 year old JP,

You did it, bud. You did it. You're just over one month away from graduating from college - I'm so damn happy for you. You worked hard, you had fun, and you accomplished something many only dream about. You're about to go into the "real world" and I know you're scared. It's ok. That's 100% normal and you will learn soon that being scared and uncertain is just a part of life. Over the next 6 years, you will see and learn so many things and some of it will be scary. You will be nervous and have to face new challenges, push yourself, and step way, way outside your comfort zone. I know you don't like those moments now and hell, you won't like them in 6 years either, but these are the times and challenges that you need to grow. You got this.

This coming month is going to be an exciting time - cherish every second of it. Whether you realize it or not, you will lose touch with many of the people you see every day today. It won't be out of spite, anger, or malice, but just the sheer nature of growing up and starting the next chapter of your life. Take time to say "hi" to these people - it's a small but kind thing to do. Don't worry too much though, some of your closest friends will still be there six years from now. E, Alex, your still pretty new boyfriend, they and many others will all be there and you will still be friends with them many years from now. 

You are probably also consumed with getting ready for what comes next - graduation, your last two finals, your new job - and yes, that is important, but right now, I want you to go out, have a beer, see your friends, chat with the staff of the LGBTQ Center, and just take a walk around campus. You will miss this place more than you think. It's important to make those memories now so you can look fondly back at all the great times, fun times, and sometimes messy times of being a student and seeing the world as your oyster.

Here's 10 things I want you to do in the next week. Yes, some of it may feel weird, but trust me, it'll be fun.

1. Get that booth in the off campus bar and order a few pitchers with your friends
2. Make that loaf of monkey bread for your housemates - they will still be talking about that for years to come
3. Go to Town, see a drag show, and dance your heart out and stay out way too late - in a few years it will be gone, but the memories will last
4. Stop being so damn fussy about drag shows - I know you're still obsessed about trying to come across as masc and "not like those other gays" - it's not a good look. Have fun, let go, and don't worry so much about what others think. 
5. Host that dinner party and throw that house party - yeah, you can cook well, and it will only become a greater passion of yours in the future. You also know how to throw a hell of a party, and yes, Svedka will do.
6. Don't worry about Brandon, he will be fine and is living his best life. Cherish the memories and the time you spent with him. He helped craft who you are (and also your enduring love for Coors Light) as good people do
7. Eat that extra slice of pizza - your metabolism will never be as fast as it is now and your muscles as defined for at least the next 6 years, so indulge, you lucky 21 year old bastard
8. Don't be afraid to tell your boyfriend you love him, spoiler alert, you guys will still be together in 6 years and living together
9. Stop comparing your job offer or how much money you make to others. You have control over your life, and fretting over it doesn't do anyone good and only hurts yourself
10. Call mom and tell her you love her. You don't know it now, but she has done more than you know to make sure you made it this far and give you the opportunities you've had. She is and will always be your hero and #1 fan.

JP, I want you to know that everything is going to be ok. Actually, more than ok; it's going to be great. I don't want to spoil it for you, but if you keep up the work ethic that I know you have and fight through whatever challenges that come up, you will be successful at whatever you put your mind to once school ends. You will have a strong group of friends, a man who loves you and who you will love back, a few jobs which you will excel at, and more over the coming years. But again, today, I don't want you to think about that. I want you to live in the present. Now, text your housemates and go get a beer.

Cheers,

JP, circa 2020 

Boring Gays

Back in college, right now at 8:30pm on a Saturday night, I would be getting ready to go out to a bar, party. or hosting something with friends. Drinks would be flowing, music ramping up, and a night of debauchery not too far away. But tonight, I found myself strolling the aisles of a Harris Teeter, after having gotten dinner with my boyfriend, picking up a box of brownie mix, a pint of ice cream, and caramel sauce. As we were making our way to the check out lane, my boyfriend joking said "We're such boring gays". This isn't the first time we've made that comment, but I think I'm starting to accept that being "boring" and having a night in isn't something to be ashamed of. It's perfectly fine. More than fine actually.

As we now both start to settle in to the later part of our mid-20s, I think we've gotten to the point in our lives when while going out is still fun, I've accepted that being "boring" isn't a bad thing. What is wrong with watching the Corpse Bride on TV, making a pan of brownies, and just going to bed at a reasonable hour (which may or may not be the plan for tonight)? With both of us working nearly 50 hours a week, any moment of respite and relaxation is valuable.

So if you need me, you won't be seeing me at Trade, Number 9, Tombs, or any other bar. I will be on my couch, cuddling with my boyfriend, enjoying some nice dessert. I'm a boring gay, and proud of it.

All the best,

JP

What Sparks Joy?

I almost can't believe it's been nearly1 year since I started my new job. I still feel like I just started yesterday, but looking back, I've travelled across the country most a dozen times, seen numerous new cities, and worked with more people directly than I ever have before in the past 10 months...and it's exhausting just thinking about it.

I took this new job about 10 months ago because I wanted to learn new skills and experience life in a smaller company compared to where I was for 4 years prior. With that goal, I feel like I acheived them and more. I was told when I first started that the company expects a lot of its employees and that everyone upholds a do what it takes attitude. With that, I took the position by the reins and tried my best to dive right in. I basically own the marketing strategy for the division of the company I support, and over the past year, I've definitely had my ups and downs. I've pushed myself harder than I ever have before and as a whole, my manager and team seem happy with what I have been able to deliver to them. 

So I'm happy that I have been able to learn so much in the past year and have a supportive team, but that has come at a cost. I am nervous to even put this in writing, but I am starting to question if I want to stay in the job and my current career path. Let me explain.

My entire life since graduating college almost (gasp) 5 years ago, I have been working at the intersection of two areas - technology and the public sector. While I am blessed to have been successful working in jobs that intersect these two industries, I never truly had a deep rooted passion for either. Yes, I definitely find it interesting on occasion, but neither are areas where I can say I truly am invested in or can see myself supporting as a career for the long term. 

The root of my frustrations is around what I am able to do at work. Doing any form of creative or innovative marketing towards the government is stymed by rules and regulations, meaning while my peers are able to try new ideas and programs, I am stuck executing the same old programs over and over again not because I want to, but because I can't break free. Add onto that the fact that I find supporting government rather soul sucking only wearing me out quicker and quicker.

The more obvious answer to this is 'why not ask to switch teams?' - while that may make sense if I loved working in tech, I'm starting to have my doubts if I want to stay in tech, and especially big tech companies, long term as well. Yes, tech is the future; tech pays well; tech is the hot thing to be in, but after four years, I still just can't relate to it that gets be excited. Furthermore, the company I joined initially got acquired and now is part of one of the largest companies in the tech industry - and the integration has been without much direction, making me very nervous.

This past year is what really made me reflect on what I want to do with my career. I still want to do marketing, but I want to go into an industry that I am passionate about and interested in. I want to get out of tech and get out of marketing toward government and go towards a job where I am marketing towards consumers instead of businesses and on a topic that I care about and love.

As many of you may have noticed over the years, I love to cook and am fascinated with all things food. Now if, just if I can get a job in that industry, maybe I can be happy and passionate about what I do and feel truly invested in the impact of what I help bring to market. Working at a company as part of a consumer facing brand is a dream of mine. I love to learn about what makes people consider what they do, why they act and make the choices they make, and how I can help mold that. That fascination is what pushed me to major in marketing in school and pursue it as a career. The part where I get a job where I can practice, refine, and push towards that goal has escaped me so far.

I'm also afraid that I may be painting a picture of this ideal job and company that doesn't actually exist. I told my mom when I last saw her that I was scared that I would end up where I am now in another year even if I managed to find and accept this 'dream' job. I would be uncertain, unhappy, and wanting to make another move. What if the grass does always seem greener on the other side?

I just want to be happy and excited about my work - I want to do something in my life that makes me wake up in the morning and look forward to what the days has to bring. Hopefully one day that will happen.

In the meantime, out go the job applications one at a time.

All the best,

JP