Fighting Myself

Was there not enough pain and frustration the first time round that I seem to unconsciously feel the need to seek the one feeling I dread the most? It's been over a year now. Over a year since I began my college life where people, many of whom are now my friends, first entered my life and exposed me to a world with levels of acheivement and brilliance that I never once thought were possible apart from in a work of fiction....

It's the ludicrous levels of imagination, such profound creativity and deep, analytical thought that the trivial squeaks about the topic of the day pouring out of my mouth seem more like baby babble rather than coherent thoughts. There are people, friends with skills and knowledge that far surpass mine and go to the point where they understate their abilities on resumes and job applications to make them seem more human. I like to tell myself that comparing my abilities and views to them and theirs is wasteful. Time better spent would be on Microeconomics, Managerial Accounting or whatever other "useful" class that will one day earn me more money (because we all know that's what people in business care about...) I should just sit at my desk and read. Why waste time comparing myself to someone who is simply better?

When I started my freshman year, I knew that I would be entering a different world, one where "top of the heap" now meant "middle of the road". I felt lost in a pool of hundreds, all who fought for their spot to attend this school and got in with merits equal or probably better than mine. After my crisis last year about this very same problem I'm facing now, I felt that I finally made amends with myself. I accepted that we all have our own skills that make us better at something compared to our peers. It sounded childish then, like something my kindergarden teacher would tell me when Ben over there would colour within the lines better than I could, and it still sounds lubby dubby now.

It's only mid September, I just turned 19 and I still have so much ahead of me. Do I have to do what I did last year and just keep telling myself "It's Okay" when I know that deep down I will always have some nagging feeling whenever that someone passes by me on the way to class, reminding me "you're only average"? I don't want to be average. I will not settle for average. I don't want a Hershey's Bar when a Godiva truffle is right next to it. I don't want a Camry or Accord when I can have an E-Class or S80. I want to find that fighting spirit I once had when I knew I was close to the top just a handful of years ago. I don't think I lost it; I just tucked it away, something I regret doing. That fighting spirit got me here in the first place, if I can get it back, maybe I can do it again.

Sophomore Year: It's on.

Birthday

19 never felt so good

Awkward....

So I found out one of the guys I've been talking to on Grindr is actually one of my friends. I know without a doubt it's him and he knows the guy he's been talking with is me. I'm not terribly surprised this guy was into guys in retrospect but he's really closeted and I think he might be really freaked out right now that I found out in the way I did.

We haven't spoken since this incident occured a few hours ago.

This is awkward....

Week 1

Sup Guys! I realize it's been a while since I last wrote but I've been a bit too busy to keep up with writing here but I finally found some. Let's catch up:

First week of classes: I met all my professors and I'm optimistic about this semester. Most of my professors seem pretty chill. I know they were probably trying to be all personable and funny but there's a surprising amount of young blood (comparatively speaking) in the staff. My Managerial Accounting professor is a really chill guy; it's his first year teaching and he cracked his fair share of jokes. The only thing which was kinda funny to me was that his suit was a size or two too big and looked kind of odd on him haha. My microeconomics class is my first true lecture style class. Before this year, the biggest class I was in had about 80 people (ethics this past Spring) and this time it's about 300. German is interesting to say the least; one of my classmates, a freshman, went to a school really close to mine in VA which was a nice surprise. Otherwise, it's staring from scratch for me, almost nothing transfers from my French classes in high school so finding out what all the umlauts and what "ß" sound like. It's pretty cool though; the professor is this young guy who's really in touch with us.

Welcome Week: This first week has been pretty much one giant last bash before classes take over our lives. The Student Activities fair was held yesterday on the front lawn and I joined the Grilling Society and the International Relations Club. I still think I'm going to continue with tutoring and also with the campus Pride organization as well. I don't know if I'm going to pursue a job this time around. The Grilling Society sets up a stand every Friday and sells burgers on one of the Plazas. I don't have classes Friday (apart from an Econ recitation for 45 minutes) so I'm going to dedicate myself to getting in to the crowd. It's really a get yourself known and help out until they like you and then they might promote you to "grillmaster". I already talked to a bunch of the members and the President of the club so I'm on my way I hope.

Fun: I've been going out almost non stop this past weekend but I think that's the point for the first week back. Friday I went to see Don't be Afraid of the Dark with a few of the guys; it wasn't particularly scary but was creepy enough and it made me jump a few times. I love Guillermo del Toro's work though and there were so many Pan's Labyrinth similarities too (favorite movie ever, stream it if you can) Saturday was the midnight fair on the front lawn, I rode a mechanical bull for the first time (fail) and bumped myself up on a few obstacle courses (double fail) but it was really fun in a stumbling-around-drunk and having stuff to climb on way. Last night was the IRC kickoff and welcome party as well. There were a ton of freshmen still on their "I'm in college" high but after a while it cleared out to being mostly upperclassmen. We were at an apartment for a while before eventually ending up at a townhouse around 1:30. Overall, good night.

Today is mostly a catch-up on work day. I worked on German homework for almost two hours and I still need to get some reading done for other classes but I'll probably do most of it tonight. I only have one class tomorrow anyways so I have more time if I need it. I'm also trying to stick with my summer workout program so I'm aiming to keep with going to the gym four or five days a week. I want to put on about three more pounds before I level off and just maintain. The only sad thing now is that looking on the workout memories of the ergs I'm so fucking slow compared to the varsity crew guys it's kinda depressing.


Still better than this guy though....

Alright, that's a decent enough recap of what's been going on. I'll try to start writing more often/regularly and talk about more interesting topics again. Also, there's a new blog I'm following here that I think you guys will find interesting so check him out. He's a freshman tennis player which is pretty cool since I'm thinking of picking up tennis in addition to boxing with my friend Alex soon. Go check him out.

All the best,

JP

Grindr

Have you ever gotten that uncomfortable sinking feeling when you realize that you've stumbled upon something you probably shouldn't have? Well, that seems to be happening quite a lot recently. On my ipod touch I have an app called Grindr, now if you don't know what Grindr is (and based on the readers and audience of this blog I expect that most have at least heard of it) it's a app for gay guys to find each other using the GPS function on an iphone or ipod touch with wifi. The tame use is for finding friends while the more scandalous use of Grindr is that it's used for hookups and sex. A few months ago I downloaded Grindr and put up a profile; I got a lot of responses from creepy old guys and eventually just deleted it. A few days ago after I got back on campus, I decided to reinstall the app and see what would pop up, well, I found some interesting things.

First would be one of the RAs from my freshman year dorm. Now, he was openly gay and had a strange relationship with a thirtysome year old guy (repeat: STRANGE). But just seeing him on there is funny enough. Someone else I found is one of Liz's friends who I've asked before whether he was gay or not. He's not my type or anything but it was a curiosity I had, he was campy. Well, Liz told me that he wasn't and that he was a bit of a Casanova, well, this guy shows up as well. Even stranger is that he used his actual name which I thought broke Grindr rule no.1....

In addition to those I found a few other people who were only a few hundred feet away from me, one of whom messaged me this morning. Some I'm pretty sure are freshmen at the dorm next door while a few are probably in the upper classmen quad I'm part of. I don't have anything specific on my profile, I don't use a face pic (breaking Grindr rule no. 2...) and I try to just use it as a way to see what's going on around campus...okay, maybe I'll also use it for the occasional hookup but it's more of a "just for kicks" sort of thing for me...I promise.

JP