My Life in Grayscale

I’ve always wondered if I’m actually gay. I mean, I know I’m gay, but like most things in life, there is a middle ground, a gray space where an infinite number of combinations could exist. I’ve wondered if I’m in that space, that I’m not gay, straight or even 50/50 bi. Alfred Kinsey developed a scale where people were ranked from zero to six, six being fully gay and zero being fully straight but even that scale couldn’t fully explain just how complex I think human sexuality is.

Back in middle school, I asked a girl out to the 8th grade dance. The weeks prior, I would buy her cookies at lunch and bring them to her at her table. This went on for almost two weeks before the week of the dance, I approached her one last time, this time with a bouquet of roses (such a romantic, I know). When I entered English 7th period, the class stood with applause and cheering while I stood there mortified and blushing brighter red than a Hot Tamale. At that time, I knew that I had been attracted to guys, but I fully believed that I loved her. Granted, it might have been forced slightly on my part, I was in my denial stage at the time so that faux-love could have just been some way of myself trying to convince myself that no, I’m actually straight while the little gay boy in my head shouted at the top of his lungs “YOU’RE GAY, G-A-Y.”

Despite that though, I still don’t know if I really was attracted to her. I’m still friends with this girl today, we don’t talk too often as we ended up going to different high schools though.

When I was in denial, I went through a series of phases, first came the “No, I’m not gay” phase, followed by my “Well, maybe I just have a man-crush on him” phase, fostered due to some desperate search on Urban Dictionary of all places to figure myself out. Following that came the “Fuck, maybe I am gay” phase and finally the “Okay, I’m gay” phase where I am today. I still consider myself to be gay today, I mean, I like guys, physically and sexually, but I still wonder if maybe I could actually be bi.

Some might see this as just another piece of denial, I mean, it is known that many gays have a grudge against bisexuals, thinking they are just in denial or are too scared to actually just admit they’re gay. I believe that bisexuality is real, I mean, in my mind, I think only a very small number of people are truly 100% gay. But who am I to make such claims? I mean, I’m only 17, I’ve barely gotten through one fifth of my life, and with medicine improving, heck, it could be even be less than that. I haven’t experienced so many things in life, I’ve never been in a relationship and I’m still a virgin and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. I’m almost scared that over time, that new parts of me that I never knew existed will surface. Maybe there is some straight in me. Can I picture myself in a relationship with a woman? At the moment, no, but in the future, who knows.

Sexuality, I think, like many things in life is fluid, the way you see yourself can change within a certain range. Sexuality is also not clear cut, it’s two ends of a long rope, straight at one end, gay on the other with so many levels of bi in between. Granted, I know I’m definitely not straight, at least not 100%, I’m at the other end of that long rope but I’m not sure if it’s the very end either. I identify as gay because I very much more heavily favour men over women, but there is still an inkling in me that thinks maybe I could be closer to the middle, maybe 90% gay/10% straight, or 95%/5%, or 80%/20% who knows.

One thing I’m sure of is that no matter how fluid human sexuality is, you can’t jump from one end to the other. You can’t change from being all gay to all straight or vice versa. If anything, this sudden attraction was always built in, you just never knew it was there. Most people who identify as straight probably have some gay in them, it either lies dormant or is simply ignored, just like most gay guys have some straight in them.

No matter how cheesy and elementary school sounding it is, I love myself; I’m not in denial, just curious about the mind and body I have and inhabit respectively. Whether I actually am 100% gay or possibly bi, that doesn’t change who I am and how I view myself, and those who judge have much to learn.

All the best,

JP

Latter Days

I just watched the movie Latter Days and my eyes are still watery from the ending. It was such a brilliant movie that made me that blew away all my expectations for what this small independant film was going to be. (Caution, possible spoilers ahead!)

I've watched a few gay-oriented flicks before (Eating out series, Were the World Mine etc) and with the exception of one, most of them have been only "meh" in terms of quality. I mean, the movies themselves, or more specifically the actors, were all pretty to look at but they were all cinematic fluff on the inside, the movie equivalent of a marshmallow peep (completely stole that from the movie haha). This movie was different though, it actually had depth, the characters believable if you gave them time to develop, and there were just enough surprises to keep me hooked.

Aaron (played by Steve Sandvoss), a closeted Mormon missionary who recently moved to Los Angeles as part of a mission, was delightfully innocent and cute but also complex and deep. Finding himself falling for the party boy next door, he begins on a journey of discovering himself which takes him on a roller coaster ride of happiness, deep despair and even to the verge of death. His struggle to accept his sexuality and the fallout he endured after he was caught kissing Christian (played by Wes Ramsey who I will discuss later) was absolutely heartbreaking. Sandvoss came across as very natural and authentic in his controversial role which itself deserves recognition.

In contrast to Aaron, Christian (Wes Ramsey), is your stereotypical SoCal gay party boy, he's gorgeous and decidedly shallow and free spirited at the start of the film but you soon realize that he is actually much more than that. He only realizes that he is more than what his outward persona shows after meeting Aaron. As he finds himself falling for Aaron, he realizes that he himself had never felt this way for someone else his entire life. Following the fallout of being caught with Aaron, he goes on a frantic search for the love who he believes could be his one-in-a-million. Much like Sandvoss in his role as Aaron, Wes Ramsey does an excellent job of being so natural in his role, you really see him take on the persona of Christian and give the level of performance that few movies, major and independent, I have ever seen.

Latter Days takes cues from many movies of the past and also classic formulas for what a good story should be. The two semi-star crossed lovers Aaron and Christian mirror Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and the familial animosity furthers this similarity. The chemistry between the two characters is laudable, something sorely missing from many a modern day romantic drama. Unlike Shakespeare's famous play however, the movie itself has a happy ending; more comedy than tragedy in the Elizabethan sense, meaning things end well rather than poorly, though in many points of the film, it really does seem that the movie very well could be on the verge of being a tragedy. I credit this to director C. Jay Cox's excellent story writing which is actually based on his own experiences as a closeted Mormon who eventually came out and was excommunicated from the church. While not autobiographical, I feel that it was the influence of his own experiences which made the film so believable.

It's important to recognize the film is not a stab at the Mormon church, rather it's just a very well made film on a very touchy subject, the fact that the film even made it into light surprises me. Made on a shoestring budget of less than a million dollars, it comes across as something much more. The other characters, including the motherly restaurateur Lila (Jacqueline Bisset), Christian's singer-songwriter roommate Julie (Rebekah Johnson), and homophobic fellow missionary Ryder (Joseph Gordon-Levitt) all play a very important supporting role in making the movie into the emotional piece of work it is.

I strongly recommend seeing this movie if you haven't already. It doesn't matter if you're gay, straight or bi, this well crafted romance is a standout in what is an otherwise lacklustre field of gay-oriented films. Few movies have left such a strong impression on me as this has and this is the only film in recent memory to have elicited a tear from my normally steadfast eye.

The film can be found for free online, through youtube, or on DVD.

All the best,

JP

A Reintroduction

It’s been a while since I’ve done one of these posts, in fact, it’s been almost a year now. When I wrote my last introductory post, I had less than 20 followers and was still trying to repair the fallout after the discovery of my blog by someone I’d rather not have know about it. Today I can proudly say that things have changed, and for the better too. I just hit the 35 follower mark and I’ve become much more open about myself and my life since that time. So if you’re new, may I first extend a warm “Welcome” and also hopefully answer a few questions you might have about this pokey 18 y/o from the land known around here as the DMV.

I was born in Washington D.C. and having lived there for the first four or so years of my life. I am the youngest member of my entire family and am an only child. When I was almost five, my family moved to the suburbs surrounding D.C. and I have lived there ever since. I recently graduated from high school and will be a freshman in college this fall to study business. I plan to continue to chronicle my adventures as I enter this strange new world.

Personality wise I’m a bit of a mish mosh of southern hospitality, northern wit and attitude with a dash of courtesy seemingly pulled from a time of yore. Some would say this hospitality is anachronistic in this day and age, but hey, it’ll never go out of fashion as far as I’m concerned. I respect all as long as you respect me. I’m a generally quiet person, in fact, you might even go as far as call me shy if you were just meeting me but get past this stage and you’ll find me to be actually pretty engaging. While hardly a party animal, I can, will, and do let loose when the time is right. "Work hard, play harder" is my motto. I love to laugh and make other people laugh, anything to brighten the day of someone who needs some brightening.

As for what I look like I will not reveal too much (no pictures, sorry) but I can tell you this. I’m 6’2”, athletic build, 36” chest… Okay, well maybe not. Actually, it’s closer to 5’9”, only mildly athletic build and with black hair. Not bad for being Asian I gotta say considering my mom barely breaks the 5’ mark. I’m quite tan (courtesy of crew!) for an east Asian. I consider myself to be slightly above average looks wise. I do have two sides, my nerdy appearance with my glasses and my “other” side without them. I love both sides but I'm a giant nerd at heart.

I have a bunch of interests, many of which I developed when I was still little. One of my main passions has always been cooking; not only is the precision aspect of it appealing, but rather seeing how a pile of raw ingredients can transform into a completed dish is astonishing to me. I also rowed for two years on my schools crew team, getting me into much better shape than I was before, and while I probably will not touch another racing shell or oar again for a while, rowing will always have a place in my heart. Some of my other interests include cars, music and reading good books.

So far I’ve never been in a relationship. There have been a few guys I’ve liked (all likely straight and most of them being runners), and I never really went anywhere with a few guys who’ve expressed interest in me (not my type). I would love to be in a relationship, it’s actually towards the top of my to-do list but I’ll take things as they flow by. For the record, I’m not out quite yet. While I am out to about 15 people plus my mom, I haven’t publicly come out as gay yet, though this might change come this fall. I like guys who are slightly taller than me though that’s hardly a requirement. The first things I look for is a nice smile and also a good personality. I need someone who is friendly, sharp witted and can carry on a conversation. **know someone like that? send them over will ya? ;)**

Once again, welcome to my blog, or if you’re a long term follower, welcome back. I hope you’ll find my ramblings about my life and this crazy world around us to be as entertaining for you as it is for me, I really do appreciate you embarking on this ongoing journey with me.

All the best,

JP

Closet Case

I think I’ve mentioned Kevin in the past. You know, the junior-now-senior crew mate who I secretly think is gay and isn’t doing a very good job at convincing people otherwise? No? Well, for those who feel lost, I’ll recap.

Kevin is a guy I met about two years ago when I first joined the crew team at my high school. He was a weird jokester kind of dude, when I first met him he was greeting people with a heavy fake Scottish accent. Over time though I would become better friends with him and we were even in the same journalism class last year.

While not immediately, I later developed the impression that Kevin could be gay. He always dressed quite well, he liked his well fitted clothing, perfectly trimmed sideburns (sounds weird, but they work on him), organized hair and never left the house without a spray of his favorite cologne. Okay, so maybe he could just be metrosexual, that giant trend started by David Beckham and Ryan Seacrest (another closet case) back around 2005 or so. These alone thus can be discounted as irrelevant

But it wasn’t his well groomed appearance that led me to my suspicions though it probably did play a role, no, rather it always felt like he was overcompensating his manliness. I mean, he is a little on the shorter side so it could be the whole Napoleon complex deal but I doubt it. He always comments on girls making remarks like “damn, she’s got a nice ass” or point to a girl and say “JP, over there, rate on a scale of 1-10”. He also hangs out with some well known douches that do much of the same. He also watches/loves Jersey Shore, the biggest douche fest ever seen on television. Nuff said. Another hint is his need to tan. He got really giddy when a local tanning salon put out a 99 cent tan special for three days. He went twice. I never have known a guy who actually goes tanning for the heck of it.

But still none of this is really relevant, I mean, I’m sure there are plenty of guys who are just like Kevin who take care of themselves and GTL day and night. Well, I thought so until today. I was at a goodbye party for one of my friends who will soon be heading off to California for college where my friend “A” says she saw Kevin in the mall. This would end up putting the final nail in the coffin in my mind so to speak, or more specifically three nails. She said that 1. He was in Forever 21 of all stores. 2. He was with a bunch of girls 3. He was in a freakin sailor outfit. Ummmm.

Okay, so I’ve been in Forever 21 with some of my friends who are girls but I’m gay so whatever, but why the hell was he there in a sailor outfit? It sounds like he’s either auditioning for the Village People revival or is prepping for some bad navy inspired porn flick. Apparently it was a sailor’s hat with nautical looking outfit. In my mind, there is no straight man in his right mind that would wear that. My friend “C” who also thinks Kev’s gay follows my train of thought to the “t”.

So I don’t know, I really think he’s gay and just not comfortable with himself but then again I could be wrong. Straight guys confuse me, sometimes they can lead you so far into thinking you have a chance with them and then completely knock you right off track. I’m not going to pressure him and interrogate him if he is gay or not. I know how it feels to have been all confused and the inner turmoil that claws at your insides as I’m sure most if not all of us have.

I just want your opinion though, do you think Kev might me gay?

All the best,

JP

P.S. Three cheers for the judge's ruling saying Cali's gay marriage ban is unconstitutional :D

Meet the Family

Meet the Family

JP’s Mom – Ah my mom, best friend in the world. According to my friends she’s one of the sweetest moms they know and I wholeheartedly agree. I really don’t know what I would do without her. When I came out to her she took it kinda hard, there was a long awkward period which culminated with a long, teary heart to heart. To this day, things are getting better, I think she might be finally getting that me being gay isn’t a choice but then again, I’m not positive either. She’s the only one in my family who I’ve come out to.

JP’s Dad – I have an interesting relationship with my dad. Admittedly not as close of a relationship with my mom but I still love him nonetheless. We argue from time to time and I’m often rather snarky with him but we rarely have a fallout. He can get rather moody for the strangest reasons and he’s a secretive person. There are a surprising number of things I don’t know about my dad and his personal dealings but I just see those as a part of everyday life. I don’t think he would take it well if I came out to him.

Extended Family

Cousin N. – A fun loving workhorse of a guy. He’s really into technology but isn’t outwardly nerdy. I have a strong relationship with him and he’s always been there for me when I needed help for anything. He’s surprisingly naïve about many things about life like the specs of his own car. Apart from computers, as long as it works, he’s not going to ask any questions. He loves Abercrombie and Fitch and to be taken care of by his mom.

Cousin J. – The brilliant but foul mouthed jokester. He’s done very well for himself and enjoys the finer things in life. He loves to party, gamble, and drink. He also loves to pamper his mom though which I admire, recently hosting a $2000+ banquet room dinner for her, the family and some friends. He’s the definitive Asian “Bro” and playboy, and definitely the most so of anyone in the family.

Cousin D. – Kinda the awkward duck of this generation of family. We used to hang out a ton when I was little but since then we’ve grown apart as he’s become more recluse. He loves his video games as is a big papa’s boy. I’m 90% he’s never been in a relationship (he’s older than me) and is so awkward around girls it’s funny in a depressing kind of way. He’s really kind though.

Cousin A. – When I was little I never had much of a relationship with him, much less so than the other cousins, but this has changed in recent years. We often vacation together as we often bring him and my aunt with us whenever we travel. We have surprisingly similar personalities. We both have a semi dry sense of humour but love to laugh nonetheless and we are both very competitive. He too likes the finer things in life and has done with himself. We hang out a lot when on holiday, he’s a cool guy.

Aunt H. – Cousin N’s mom, she’s the aunt I have the most contact with. Actually, I see her almost every day since she helps with taking care of my elderly grandpa. She’s the sweetest person ever. She has worked hard all her life but she has done it all with a smile. She and the rest of my aunts and uncles on my mom’s side are really close, which comes with being part of a family of six kids I reckon. She tries to speak English with me and I reciprocate with Chinese, it’s mutually beneficial.

Aunt C. – The oddball of the family. Cousin A’s mom, she doesn’t seem to have lost her FOB-ness despite moving here ages ago with my dad. She thinks everything is dangerous (riding a bike, roller coasters etc), is blissfully unaware of her surroundings, and doesn’t know how to tip at a restaurant ($90 check? $5 will do, Lord have mercy!). Nevertheless, she means well.

Uncle Y. – Recently deceased after a battle with cancer, he’s a prime case of someone you never truly appreciated enough until they’re gone. He would come over a least once a week and eat with us for dinner. He lived alone in a condo he viewed as his prized treasure, he was so proud when he finished renovating the place just a few months ago. He was kinda weird as most uncles tend to be but he had a huge heart and always put someone’s needs else before his own. He was married and had a child but after a divorce, he hadn’t seen his kid, I don’t even know if the kid (who is older than me) even knows who his father even was.

Extended-extended family

Maxwell-Carnegie (aka Max) – Our adopted family Jack Russell Terrier. A lazy bum of a supposedly hyperactive breed which is probably for the better. We got him when he was three, he’s a good bit older now. He’s a sweet little dog but has frequent mischievous bouts. He likes to steal unattended to food on the table and loves to hide under beds. He acts tough around other dogs but is the biggest wimp when the first sign of a storm arrives, shaking uncontrollably in the most pathetic, sympathy inducing way. He likes to hide under beds when he is scared but also for no particular reason at all sometimes. His favorite activities include eating, sleeping on his pillow and rides in the car. I’ll really miss him in college.

There are many more members in my family but that would take way too long. These are just some of the most influential people in my life and helped mold me into the person I am today.

I love my family

JP