Was there not enough pain and frustration the first time round that I seem to unconsciously feel the need to seek the one feeling I dread the most? It's been over a year now. Over a year since I began my college life where people, many of whom are now my friends, first entered my life and exposed me to a world with levels of acheivement and brilliance that I never once thought were possible apart from in a work of fiction....
It's the ludicrous levels of imagination, such profound creativity and deep, analytical thought that the trivial squeaks about the topic of the day pouring out of my mouth seem more like baby babble rather than coherent thoughts. There are people, friends with skills and knowledge that far surpass mine and go to the point where they understate their abilities on resumes and job applications to make them seem more human. I like to tell myself that comparing my abilities and views to them and theirs is wasteful. Time better spent would be on Microeconomics, Managerial Accounting or whatever other "useful" class that will one day earn me more money (because we all know that's what people in business care about...) I should just sit at my desk and read. Why waste time comparing myself to someone who is simply better?
When I started my freshman year, I knew that I would be entering a different world, one where "top of the heap" now meant "middle of the road". I felt lost in a pool of hundreds, all who fought for their spot to attend this school and got in with merits equal or probably better than mine. After my crisis last year about this very same problem I'm facing now, I felt that I finally made amends with myself. I accepted that we all have our own skills that make us better at something compared to our peers. It sounded childish then, like something my kindergarden teacher would tell me when Ben over there would colour within the lines better than I could, and it still sounds lubby dubby now.
It's only mid September, I just turned 19 and I still have so much ahead of me. Do I have to do what I did last year and just keep telling myself "It's Okay" when I know that deep down I will always have some nagging feeling whenever that someone passes by me on the way to class, reminding me "you're only average"? I don't want to be average. I will not settle for average. I don't want a Hershey's Bar when a Godiva truffle is right next to it. I don't want a Camry or Accord when I can have an E-Class or S80. I want to find that fighting spirit I once had when I knew I was close to the top just a handful of years ago. I don't think I lost it; I just tucked it away, something I regret doing. That fighting spirit got me here in the first place, if I can get it back, maybe I can do it again.
Sophomore Year: It's on.
Hookup: New York Moments Part 2
6 days ago
Well, it's always good to strive to be the best you can be. It's also good to accept your best efforts as good enough. We can't all be Number One.
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Good luck in sophomore year.
Being competitive helps a lot to improve your GPA but don't have nervous breakdowns over it lol. There are many other variables that factor in for success in life, including your definition of success. The most brilliant guy in my high school graduation class died in a stupid car accident the following summer, and lots of very smart people self destruct in an orgy of excess. An intelligent snob might have a hard time finding employment. For success I think education is half of it and the other half is how you network socially, so don't get too hung up on GPA. But that 'fighting spirit' is the way to go. - Wayne :)
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