Southern Charm

It's happened again...I think I've fallen for a straight guy again. To fully understand the situation, we need to back up to the beginning of this school year.

Before the crew season started, we held an interest meeting for novices and anyone who might have already ha previous crew experience. On the second of two meetings, there was someone none of us recognized. He was standing in the corner and after the meeting and the freshmen had left, he came up to be and the other returning rowers and he spoke to us for the first time. He had moved from Florida and was a junior, he had rowed for a couple of years already down South and would in all likelihood had become a varsity rower. He wore black skinny (ish) jeans and an orange sweatshirt and had the nicest blue eyes and brown hair. He was attractive alright, not in the all-out model way, but that tall, nice I-want-to-know-you way. We'll call him Southern Charm, SC for short. SC was appealing, and I got the feeling he might be gay but I shoved that notion aside knowing that if I got too caught up in him and things didn't work out I would only set myself up for more problems later.

As the season started and winter conditioning was under way and me and SC bonded in a friend/workout buddy way. He was a fun guy to be around alright, goofy at times, serious at others, but he never was uptight. In the weight room we benched together almost every day and we both often joked about how we wouldn't improve his admittedly low bench-press numbers if I didn't push him to his limits. We had a good time, I would be lying if I didn't say that being more than workout buddies would have been better, but at the time, the only goal was to get stronger, faster, leaner and more competitive once were on the water.

Things were peachy, but before on the water arrived, I learned that I wasn't the only one who had taken notice to him. Jess, a girl who I drive to and from practice and also a good friend of min eon the crew team had also taken notice. Still slightly broken hearted form last-season's fallout in a relationship with a guy on the team, she had come to like much of the same qualities of SC. Jess knows that I'm gay so she talked to me frequently about him as I quietly nodded or agreed and soon I became her own private spy into the mind of SC. She was determined alright, and I was her way to achieving her prize.

On the water began and things between Jess and SC got increasingly more one-sided. She had been trying to put on the moves towards him for a few months now but to no visible effect. Soon, Jess resorted to more drastic action, Rather than just hinting, she decided that she would try and force her way onto him. Now, every time she sees him, she has to give him a hug, tease him, and ogle over him in her own special way. To be said however, her attempts to be subtle aren't terribly subtle. Jess doesn't hide her emotions well. She gets giggly, jittery and even crazy whenever she is in close proximity to him, which, in comparison to his cool, calm and collected demeanor, seems like an unlikely match from the start.

The season worked on and the attempts continued and my feelings for SC laid dormant as it had since the winter. We rowed in different boats and the only real interaction I had with him was the time on shore where we'd talk and occasionally play a game of steal-SC's-hat that I feel we'd had more fun playing than him. By this time, I had generally settled into being friends is more than enough mentality, seeing as senior year was almost over, I might as well just wait until college where I could get a fresh start before my love life makes any headway.

It almost worked.

"I think SC's gay" - Dutch
"What?" - Me
"I think he's gay"

Of the two people in my carpool, there is one person I can talk about anything with, her nickname is my "Pennsylvanian Dutch Friend", Dutch for short. We were returning from a pasta party and Jess wasn't there. The conversation was about crew team relationships and how every year there were always a few and after we discussed Jess and her infatuation with SC, she said it.

Me - "What makes you think that?"
Dutch - "it's hard to explain"
"try me"
"Well, you know how sometimes you get that feeling, that you just sorta have that suspicion?"
"yes"
"well, I get that feeling with him. Also, have you noticed how so many girls on the team are absolutely infatuated with him, I mean really, you know they have tried to flirt with him and no one seems to make any progress, he just...ignores them"
"To be honest, I got the feeling that he might be gay when I first met him"
"really?"
"yeah, I don't know why, I just did, gaydar isn't foolproof but it works sometimes"
"I don't know, but something about him just makes me think that"

This was a weird moment for me. Someone who had no idea about my own suspicions previously shared an idea that I had been harbouring for months. I was happy alright, but I knew this wasn't a legitimate happy, it was false-hope happy, the kind of happy that gives you a high and then sends you crashing later on.

Since that day, I've looked at SC differently. I really shouldn't, but the thought still nags me incessantly like a summer mosquito - "What is he really is gay and is just afraid to admit it?" But recently another thought has entered my head " What if I really do like him and am just afraid to admit it?" Each day that thought has seemed to become increasingly true. But what's the point? My high school career is almost over and unless I visit during crew practices and regatta days next year(which I had planned to do regardless), he will only exist as a friend on Facebook. But still, that thought still haunts me.

Time will take it's course and things will unfold as they will.

All the best,

JP