When is someone in too deep?

 

I wish I had someone I could just fully confide in with no judgement. 

Someone I had no history with. Someone who I could tell my deep dark secrets to. 

Someone I could just just tell all the things in my life which have weighed on me, the feelings I'm experiencing - the guilt and the joy, the thrill and the anger. 

I've had a therapist before, and even then I never felt like I could fully open up. It always felt to clinical. I want a friend without the history - just someone who will listen, provide feedback, and give me a hug.

On the surface everything about my life looks perfect - I have a stable job, I have a nice house, I'm surrounding myself with friends who I love and adore, but underneath it all is a storm.

I'm starting to question so many things. My career, my relationships, and where and what I want my life to be.

I love my boyfriend, but between my post at the end of last year when I reconnected with a long time friend and some new friendships over the last year that have developed into more - physically and emotionally, I'm starting to realize I'm developing feelings for others. Is it just lust? Is it just wanting what you can't have? Is it just my old habits of caring for others too much when I know the should just be friends?

I don't know.

I'm a bad person. I should be honest and end things before they get too serious. But attention and lust is a drug. It makes me energetic. It makes be eager and excited in ways I haven't felt in years. It's the thrill of the chase. It's the thrill of the new, the novel, the exciting. It feels like young love. It feels like missed opportunities. 

It's intoxicating and I crave it.

I don't want to end my relationship, but would that be the right, ethical thing to do? Am I in too deep now?

Merry Christmas

 

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate - this year has been a truly special and unique time. I've heard some people say that the year flew by, some say it it dragged on; for me, I think it was the former. 

I give credit to a lot of changes in my life in the last year and a half which have been thrilling, but also brought me anxiety, nostalgia, joy, and also more questions than I have the capacity to answer anytime soon. I started a new job a little over a year ago, bought a new home, reconnected with old friends for the first time in almost 8 years, and am trying to understand what I am truly looking for my life - in love, in my career, and what I "should" be doing now that I have crested 30.

I'm hoping to return to this platform to share this journey with you, much like I did over a decade ago when I first started writing this blog as a 17 year old in high school figuring out his life, friendships, college, his sexuality, and what it meant to be in the world. The questions, the topics, the things that are on my mind obviously have changed, but I'm still the same boy, arguably now a man, who is typing behind a computer screen sharing his thoughts into a little corner of the internet.

So (re)join me, won't you?

-JP

First Love

Hi there.

It's been a while, eh? I'm sorry it's been over two years since I last shared something here. The pandemic, big life moments, job changes, and more really made the last two years fly by.

But I wanted to return to this now over 10 year old home of my thoughts, feelings, and self reflection because...well, I needed a space to share some things that have been on my mind. Things that have been weighing me down and things that I haven't felt in years.

Being in a relationship for over 10 years now, I forgot what it's like to experience young love. That feeling where you get to know someone for the first time and feel drawn in, and where everything they do, even the most banal things, make you feel excited and giddy. That feeling where you are eager to see that next text, that next Snap, that next notification pop up on the corner of your screen. I forgot what it was like falling in love for the first time where you are chasing the thrill - the thrill of the first kiss, the next conversation, the next time you would be able to hold them in your arms.

I don't know where I am right now. I've met someone. They aren't someone new, but someone I've "known" over over a decade that re-entered my life earlier this year after stars aligned and circumstances worked out. He's a friend who I never had a chance to meet in person, but knew online for now over a decade. A friend who I occasionally kept in touch with over the years - a random text or exchange once a year, sometimes with gaps many years in between. But earlier this year, things changed.

We finally met in person. He was up in DC - we spent a day together, we caught up after over 10 years of anticipation and friendship. And from that, a new, deeper friendship bloomed. We've talked every day since. We flirt, we send pics, we share boring updates about our lives, our sexier moments, and also things like our latest hobby or movie we watched. I started experiencing that first love feeling all over again.

This weekend, we had the chance to see each other again and spend a few precious hours together for only the second time this past year. We cuddled, we kissed, we let out 8 months of anticipation since last had a chance to spend time together. For me at least, sparks flew hotter than ever. We always knew that we wouldn't probably be able to make anything more of our relationship beyond a fiery friendship - he lives half a country away, I have a boyfriend, and realistically, I don't think we are the right fit for each other. But even with all that, I can't help but feel drawn to him. My heart flutters when we talk. I get jealous when I know he's talking and meeting other guys. I dream about him. What am I? 20 again?

I know this isn't good for me, and I know I need to stop what we have. But part of my does not. Part of me thinks, what if our lives getting crossed again for a reason? What if in another life, another time in the future, it's meant to be?

This is bad, but I keep wanting more.

JP

Happy Thanksgiving, Friends

As we approach another Thanksgiving, and the second during a pandemic, I wanted to reflect on some things that I am truly thankful for. 

Despite daily annoyances, stress, and anxiety, I always try to remind myself of just how comfortable and priveleged a life I have, especially when so many others do not.

I'm thankful for a loving family, who for the first time in two years, I will be seeing all together again tomorrow

I'm thankful for friends, who I can be open with and can trust

I'm thankful for a loving boyfriend who I recently celebrated an 8 year anniversary with

I'm thankful for vaccines, and them making it possible for us to exit this pandemic as soon as possible

I'm thankful to have a stable, well paying job that, while it may drive me up the wall at times, affords me to live the life I want

I'm thankful for the roof over my head, and being able to live where I do - somewhere safe, engaging,  and full of life

And I'm thankful for the multicultural mish-mosh of food that will be on our Thanksgiving table tomorrow. I hope my parents, grandparents, and those before me see it as a symbol of their American dream came true.

I hope wherever you are, you have a great Thanksgiving. And if you are not celebrating, can take time to enjoy these coming days with those you care about.

Cheers,

JP

A letter to 04/06/2014 me

Dear 21 year old JP,

You did it, bud. You did it. You're just over one month away from graduating from college - I'm so damn happy for you. You worked hard, you had fun, and you accomplished something many only dream about. You're about to go into the "real world" and I know you're scared. It's ok. That's 100% normal and you will learn soon that being scared and uncertain is just a part of life. Over the next 6 years, you will see and learn so many things and some of it will be scary. You will be nervous and have to face new challenges, push yourself, and step way, way outside your comfort zone. I know you don't like those moments now and hell, you won't like them in 6 years either, but these are the times and challenges that you need to grow. You got this.

This coming month is going to be an exciting time - cherish every second of it. Whether you realize it or not, you will lose touch with many of the people you see every day today. It won't be out of spite, anger, or malice, but just the sheer nature of growing up and starting the next chapter of your life. Take time to say "hi" to these people - it's a small but kind thing to do. Don't worry too much though, some of your closest friends will still be there six years from now. E, Alex, your still pretty new boyfriend, they and many others will all be there and you will still be friends with them many years from now. 

You are probably also consumed with getting ready for what comes next - graduation, your last two finals, your new job - and yes, that is important, but right now, I want you to go out, have a beer, see your friends, chat with the staff of the LGBTQ Center, and just take a walk around campus. You will miss this place more than you think. It's important to make those memories now so you can look fondly back at all the great times, fun times, and sometimes messy times of being a student and seeing the world as your oyster.

Here's 10 things I want you to do in the next week. Yes, some of it may feel weird, but trust me, it'll be fun.

1. Get that booth in the off campus bar and order a few pitchers with your friends
2. Make that loaf of monkey bread for your housemates - they will still be talking about that for years to come
3. Go to Town, see a drag show, and dance your heart out and stay out way too late - in a few years it will be gone, but the memories will last
4. Stop being so damn fussy about drag shows - I know you're still obsessed about trying to come across as masc and "not like those other gays" - it's not a good look. Have fun, let go, and don't worry so much about what others think. 
5. Host that dinner party and throw that house party - yeah, you can cook well, and it will only become a greater passion of yours in the future. You also know how to throw a hell of a party, and yes, Svedka will do.
6. Don't worry about Brandon, he will be fine and is living his best life. Cherish the memories and the time you spent with him. He helped craft who you are (and also your enduring love for Coors Light) as good people do
7. Eat that extra slice of pizza - your metabolism will never be as fast as it is now and your muscles as defined for at least the next 6 years, so indulge, you lucky 21 year old bastard
8. Don't be afraid to tell your boyfriend you love him, spoiler alert, you guys will still be together in 6 years and living together
9. Stop comparing your job offer or how much money you make to others. You have control over your life, and fretting over it doesn't do anyone good and only hurts yourself
10. Call mom and tell her you love her. You don't know it now, but she has done more than you know to make sure you made it this far and give you the opportunities you've had. She is and will always be your hero and #1 fan.

JP, I want you to know that everything is going to be ok. Actually, more than ok; it's going to be great. I don't want to spoil it for you, but if you keep up the work ethic that I know you have and fight through whatever challenges that come up, you will be successful at whatever you put your mind to once school ends. You will have a strong group of friends, a man who loves you and who you will love back, a few jobs which you will excel at, and more over the coming years. But again, today, I don't want you to think about that. I want you to live in the present. Now, text your housemates and go get a beer.

Cheers,

JP, circa 2020