Thanksgiving and Therapy

Well I'm back - again deep in my emotions and looking to let things out in one of my corners of the internet.

Being open and honest about my feelings, my emotions, and what makes my happy, sad, angry, or my heart ache has never been something I'm good at. I'm not sure if it's to do with growing up in an Asian household where expressing emotion, especially among men, was rarely done. Heck, there were only a handful of times where I know I truly have let out all my emotions I was feeling at a time - including when I first came out to my mom, but since then, I still keep things bottled up. I had a therapist for a while and she encouraged me to find ways to express myself, to stop bottling things up, and this blog had and continues to be one of those outlets.

God that was a long intro. But I wanted to come back and say - I hope everyone is doing well. If you celebrate American Thanksgiving - I hope you were able to have some time with your parents and enjoyed some well deserved time off. I know Thanksgiving can be a tough time of year for many, and this year especially as it feels things are more divisive than ever. We had a small Thanksgiving this year with my family - just 5 as many were traveling. But nevertheless, it was a cozy evening - full of good food, lazy afternoons, and peace.

But what is a good blog post without me spilling some of my emotions for you to read? 

I'm looking for a new therapist - or I should say, my partner and I are looking for a couples therapist to help us reconcile and understand where we are in our relationship. We've been together now for over 11 years - its been great, but it's also been the only true long, long term relationship I've been in. We've grown together, bought a house, and are living our best lives together, but also, we both know things have cooled over the last few years. We still obviously deeply care for one another, we value each other above all, and he makes me happy, but also we both know something needs to change if we want to stay with each other for the long term.

I know there is no such thing as a perfect relationship - my own, my parents, my family, and my friends all have multiple examples, but taking the step to see what we can do to help us nurture our relationship is important. As someone who struggles with being open and emotional, this is something I am nervous and hesitant about, but I know it's needed. 

Wish me luck.

JP

When is someone in too deep?

 

I wish I had someone I could just fully confide in with no judgement. 

Someone I had no history with. Someone who I could tell my deep dark secrets to. 

Someone I could just just tell all the things in my life which have weighed on me, the feelings I'm experiencing - the guilt and the joy, the thrill and the anger. 

I've had a therapist before, and even then I never felt like I could fully open up. It always felt to clinical. I want a friend without the history - just someone who will listen, provide feedback, and give me a hug.

On the surface everything about my life looks perfect - I have a stable job, I have a nice house, I'm surrounding myself with friends who I love and adore, but underneath it all is a storm.

I'm starting to question so many things. My career, my relationships, and where and what I want my life to be.

I love my boyfriend, but between my post at the end of last year when I reconnected with a long time friend and some new friendships over the last year that have developed into more - physically and emotionally, I'm starting to realize I'm developing feelings for others. Is it just lust? Is it just wanting what you can't have? Is it just my old habits of caring for others too much when I know the should just be friends?

I don't know.

I'm a bad person. I should be honest and end things before they get too serious. But attention and lust is a drug. It makes me energetic. It makes be eager and excited in ways I haven't felt in years. It's the thrill of the chase. It's the thrill of the new, the novel, the exciting. It feels like young love. It feels like missed opportunities. 

It's intoxicating and I crave it.

I don't want to end my relationship, but would that be the right, ethical thing to do? Am I in too deep now?

Merry Christmas

 

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate - this year has been a truly special and unique time. I've heard some people say that the year flew by, some say it it dragged on; for me, I think it was the former. 

I give credit to a lot of changes in my life in the last year and a half which have been thrilling, but also brought me anxiety, nostalgia, joy, and also more questions than I have the capacity to answer anytime soon. I started a new job a little over a year ago, bought a new home, reconnected with old friends for the first time in almost 8 years, and am trying to understand what I am truly looking for my life - in love, in my career, and what I "should" be doing now that I have crested 30.

I'm hoping to return to this platform to share this journey with you, much like I did over a decade ago when I first started writing this blog as a 17 year old in high school figuring out his life, friendships, college, his sexuality, and what it meant to be in the world. The questions, the topics, the things that are on my mind obviously have changed, but I'm still the same boy, arguably now a man, who is typing behind a computer screen sharing his thoughts into a little corner of the internet.

So (re)join me, won't you?

-JP

First Love

Hi there.

It's been a while, eh? I'm sorry it's been over two years since I last shared something here. The pandemic, big life moments, job changes, and more really made the last two years fly by.

But I wanted to return to this now over 10 year old home of my thoughts, feelings, and self reflection because...well, I needed a space to share some things that have been on my mind. Things that have been weighing me down and things that I haven't felt in years.

Being in a relationship for over 10 years now, I forgot what it's like to experience young love. That feeling where you get to know someone for the first time and feel drawn in, and where everything they do, even the most banal things, make you feel excited and giddy. That feeling where you are eager to see that next text, that next Snap, that next notification pop up on the corner of your screen. I forgot what it was like falling in love for the first time where you are chasing the thrill - the thrill of the first kiss, the next conversation, the next time you would be able to hold them in your arms.

I don't know where I am right now. I've met someone. They aren't someone new, but someone I've "known" over over a decade that re-entered my life earlier this year after stars aligned and circumstances worked out. He's a friend who I never had a chance to meet in person, but knew online for now over a decade. A friend who I occasionally kept in touch with over the years - a random text or exchange once a year, sometimes with gaps many years in between. But earlier this year, things changed.

We finally met in person. He was up in DC - we spent a day together, we caught up after over 10 years of anticipation and friendship. And from that, a new, deeper friendship bloomed. We've talked every day since. We flirt, we send pics, we share boring updates about our lives, our sexier moments, and also things like our latest hobby or movie we watched. I started experiencing that first love feeling all over again.

This weekend, we had the chance to see each other again and spend a few precious hours together for only the second time this past year. We cuddled, we kissed, we let out 8 months of anticipation since last had a chance to spend time together. For me at least, sparks flew hotter than ever. We always knew that we wouldn't probably be able to make anything more of our relationship beyond a fiery friendship - he lives half a country away, I have a boyfriend, and realistically, I don't think we are the right fit for each other. But even with all that, I can't help but feel drawn to him. My heart flutters when we talk. I get jealous when I know he's talking and meeting other guys. I dream about him. What am I? 20 again?

I know this isn't good for me, and I know I need to stop what we have. But part of my does not. Part of me thinks, what if our lives getting crossed again for a reason? What if in another life, another time in the future, it's meant to be?

This is bad, but I keep wanting more.

JP

Happy Thanksgiving, Friends

As we approach another Thanksgiving, and the second during a pandemic, I wanted to reflect on some things that I am truly thankful for. 

Despite daily annoyances, stress, and anxiety, I always try to remind myself of just how comfortable and priveleged a life I have, especially when so many others do not.

I'm thankful for a loving family, who for the first time in two years, I will be seeing all together again tomorrow

I'm thankful for friends, who I can be open with and can trust

I'm thankful for a loving boyfriend who I recently celebrated an 8 year anniversary with

I'm thankful for vaccines, and them making it possible for us to exit this pandemic as soon as possible

I'm thankful to have a stable, well paying job that, while it may drive me up the wall at times, affords me to live the life I want

I'm thankful for the roof over my head, and being able to live where I do - somewhere safe, engaging,  and full of life

And I'm thankful for the multicultural mish-mosh of food that will be on our Thanksgiving table tomorrow. I hope my parents, grandparents, and those before me see it as a symbol of their American dream came true.

I hope wherever you are, you have a great Thanksgiving. And if you are not celebrating, can take time to enjoy these coming days with those you care about.

Cheers,

JP