Monday, March 24, 2014

Jealousy/Awe

Sometimes I'm jealous of everything he does. His passion and love for everything he is involved in makes me feel inadequate...

...but that just drives me to push myself harder, to pursue what makes me happy and make myself the best I can be at that craft. It feels odd at times to realize that I say that I desire someone that does things and has passions that differ from mine, yet once I'm with someone who has those qualities, I'm stuck with a feeling that can only be described as the on the border of jealousy and awe. But I guess I just need to work on realizing that I shouldn't be jealous about something just because he can do it while I can't. Sure, I wish I could dance better, lift more, or have the joie de vivre he can display in a heartbeat, but I'm also not going to be someone I'm not.

In some ways, though, I'm still the cooking loving, car crazed, pseudo French speaking, hopeless romantic that I was when I first started this blog now nearly five years ago. It was that dorky and semi awkward wannabe bro he was attracted to when he met me, and he is the sexy, brilliant, and caring stud I fell for. We share enough interests to make things between us real and have enough differences to prove our relationship is not just fleeting. 

He's.....special.

-JP

Sunday, February 16, 2014

Into The Woods

I recently went on a retreat  that was organized by the LGBT center here on campus in the mountains of Northwestern Virginia. I initially was hesitant to go; retreats never felt like something I would be interested in. Since my freshman year, they always felt to me like they were only done for those take unusual pleasure in extended self introspection and storytelling, things I never were truly interested in. I also didn't intend to go on this trip because my boyfriend was hesitant to push me, a senior, go, because it was targeted more towards lower years. In the end, however, I decided to apply and give it a shot.

We left on a cold, rainy morning and arrived at the retreat headquarters a little over an hour later. I knew there would be a busy and well followed schedule on this retreat and this turned out to be true. We had a quick lunch and and soon the icebreakers and discussions began. I thought I would hate or at least dislike having to look at myself in such a deep way. I have never been one who enjoys facing my inner demons or even my inner strengths. It makes me uncomfortable. That said, however, I came to enjoy hearing the stories, the talks, the bonding with my fellow LGBT peers. It grew slowly but surely, and the next thing I knew I was starting to tell my story, my experiences, and my fears. That initial peeking over the fence soon led to me climbing over entirely and diving head first into the retreat.

The day which started so early in the morning flew by quicker than I ever imagined. Soon the sun set and the lights were turned down low. As students, alumni, and faculty read their reflections, I felt tears start to well up on multiple occasions. Tears of joy, tears of sympathy, tears of fear. As we broke off again and again into our small group reflections and meetings, I found myself talking more openly than I had in what felt like years. It was moving. It was liberating. It was terrifying.

That first night, after all planned activities had come to an end, I wandered off on my own into the dark. I stood in the middle of the road and breathed in the cold, mountain wind. I listened to the silence, punctuated by the occasional sound of wind whistling through the branches of the bare trees. I stood in the pale glow of moonlight and stood in wonder of the stars above. I felt small.

The next morning the talks continued. The theme of the day was to look towards the future. Where did I wan to go? What do I want to do to better myself? I heard the stories of an Alumni and the director of the center. An individual who I had known and met back during the very first week of my freshman year. She had helped see me though my time of fear and hardship when I didn't know what I wanted to do. She had continued to help me all those years since and today, I finally got to show her my appreciation. I hugged her harder than anyone else I knew on that retreat.

Her story, the stories of my peers, and my experience over those past 24 hours left me confused, anxious, but also reflective. In my last post, I talked about how I felt regret, sadness, and even jealousy over just how little I feel like I had done over the past four years. What if I had done more? What if I took that extra step? What if I just had the courage to take charge and not hold back? These talks, however, helped me realize one thing. While I may have only less than one semester left at my school, I should not waste time looking at what I hadn't done with my time at college, but I should work to embrace and take advantage of what time I have left instead.

A weak man spends his whole life wondering about the past and regretting his missed opportunities, but a brave man takes those regrets and turns them into action moving forward. I want to be a brave man. My time at my school as a student may be limited, but the opportunities to make those most of my time are almost endless. If I can make even the tiniest positive change on campus, the LGBT community, and the lives of those I have touched, I will be satisfied.

JP

Monday, February 3, 2014

Regret and Hope

It's an odd feeling being a second semester senior. Whenever I've been asked by people about how I feel, I always give the same "bittersweet but excited for what the future holds" response. It is bittersweet knowing a place that I have called home for the last three and a half years will soon be over. I will be leaving with a treasure trove of memories, experiences, knowledge, and friends that I hope to keep for the rest of my life, but I will also be leaving with something else: a sense of regret.

Life always operates by us looking backwards and reflecting on our past. The "what ifs" of my lives will always follow us like a shadow. Looking back, I wonder about what I would have done differently, what I would have tried sooner, what I would have not tried at all, and what I would things be like if I just decided to talk to this group versus that  the first days I arrived on campus. I wonder about what things might have been like if I said "hi" to my boyfriend when I first met him over two years ago instead of just getting to know him better within the last year like I did. I wonder about how things would be different if I just got more involved in a club more. 

I regret having burned some bridges while I was here. If I could go back and stopped myself from ever doing what I did, I would. Many of these bridges have been mended, but many no longer remain.

For all my regrets and "what ifs", I am hopeful for what the future holds. I recently received an offer from a company that I really like for a job that would have me doing something that I love. I would also be able to stay in the DC area which was one of my top criteria when looking for jobs. I'm pretty sure I'm going to accept the offer once I figure out some last details. 

My boyfriend and I are still together and it feels like each day I care about him more and more. He's had a positive effect on my life that very few people ever have. He makes me laugh, he makes me think, he challenges my thoughts, and he makes me happy. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I feel like the luckiest man in the world.

I'm thankful for what I have and where I am right now. I'm not just content with the world and myself like I usually am, I'm legitimately happy. 

All the best,

JP

Saturday, December 28, 2013

Winter has Come. Happy 2014!


I've made more promises than I have been able to keep when it comes to this blog. From when I first started writing back in 2009, this became my way medium for expressing things I could otherwise not say and also as a chronicle of my everyday life. Today, it's been neglected. I'm sorry, Une Vie Compliquee, I have let you fall into disrepair. Here, then, is m latest attempt to revive you.

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Soon 2013 will be coming to an end. It seems crazy that it's happening so soon. Over a year ago I returned from Denmark and possibly the best semester of my life. I have completed another semester of college and now only have one left. Heck, I remember talking about how I though graduating high school was crazy on this blog; now, heck, I'll be entering the real world. 2013 has, in fact, flown by.

Nostalgia aside, many things have changed since I last wrote in October:

1. I finally found a job for the Spring semester. The search that I began back in October bore fruit in late November. I'm currently working at the university over winter break and will be working the same job in the Spring as well. I'm dropping to part-time student status in my final semester since I only need two more classes. It will be nice to be able to earn some money while I look for a permanent job as well.

2. I rocked this last semester. I pulled off the amazing my first semester of senior year. I ended up getting the highest grades I have ever gotten at college, pulling off straight As for the first time ever. I worked hard and it all paid off in the end.

3. The guy I mentioned in my last post, the junior who I have known for a few years now, we're now together. I don't know how much I will write in the future on this blog (I'm not gonna say I will because, well, we know how that turned out last time), so I'm hesitant to give him a name, but I will. We'll call him Clark. Clark and I bonded over his hospital stay, and since then, things have really progressed. We went on many dates and we made things official during this past finals period of all times. He's a fun, smart, hot, and all around amazing guy. If there is a way to sum it up, he makes me happy. He is, I guess, also my first official boyfriend. 

4. I got a smartphone. Yes, my few remaining readers, I only just got a smartphone. I broke off from my dad's cell plan and will now be paying for everything myself since I have a source of income, and well, because I think it's the responsible things to do. No, I did not get an iPhone; i'm an Android kind of guy.

2013 ended up being a pretty great year. I'm still really excited to see what 2014 has in store and the new adventures that await. Hopefully it will involve a job, Clark, and happy memories.

So, my dear readers, at least for those of you who have stuck around and listened to the ramblings of a now 21 year old near college graduate from since he was in high school. I wish you the happiest of new years and good health.

All the best,

JP

Monday, October 21, 2013

Where Have I Been?

I realize it has been nearly two months now since I last posted on here. I haven't died, been injured, or been abducted - I actually wanted to let everyone know that everything is going well. Actually very well.

I've settled in nicely into the house. The housemates, after a warming up period, are all pretty cool too. The house had its fair share of issues earlier this month - the plumbing in the basement was a bit wonky so we had to do a few repairs and the AC blew out at the start of September - but everything is good now. I worked hard to make my room my own little escape in case I need to get work done or just relax and I'm really happy with how it turned out. I've had it described as "Hyatt or Hilton-like" which I think is a good thing.

My classes are also going well so far. I'm only taking four this semester and will be taking only two next semester and dropping to part time. I'm graduating in May and got ahead with credit transfers and the like which is why I am able to get away with not having to do a full 15 credit schedule. Grades have been solid so far and I just found out I aced my Operations Management midterm which has me really happy. In addition to Operations I'm also taking a course on managing brands, a class on conducting business marketing research, and a class on sexuality studies for fun.

I'm still involved in the grilling club and despite saying I would retire from doing publicity work for theatre groups, I got pulled in to do be a mentor for another show this fall. I'm also still involved in the LGBT organization on campus which has been pretty hectic because October has coming out week and all sorts of events. Other than these, I've been trying to focus on getting a job for the Spring semester and also for after I graduate. I think I want to stay in the DC area after I graduate so that is where my search is centered around as of now. Of course, if an amazing opportunity presents itself away from home, I'll definitely give it a lot of consideration.

On the personal front, Brandon and I are still talking but things have changed. After summer ended, we realized that despite what I would have wanted, things would likely never work out for us given my school schedule, his work schedule, and the fact that he will be moving to North Carolina at the end of the year. What he do agree on is that we both truly care about each other and we will always be friends. At this point he's like a brother to me; we've shared our life stories to each other and spent many beautiful, memorable nights together, but I realized it was time to move on. It hurt and was tough, but life goes on.

Here on campus, I recently starting seeing a guy I've known since my sophomore year when he was a freshman. He's now a junior and while we were never very close back then, we have gotten to known each other much more this fall. Recently he was in the hospital to get a few surgeries and I've been spending the last few nights with him to keep him company. I don't know where this is headed and where we currently stand, but I figured that he could always use someone to keep him company when he's trapped in his sterile prison. He's a really sweet guy, really clever, and we can just talk for hours without getting bored; something very very few people could ever say. I know it's senior year and relationships built this late in the game are risky, but maybe I'll be willing to take this risk. It certainly is headed in the right direction so far.

So yeah, I apologize for disappearing. I know I have really dropped the ball this year on posting. Senior year was supposed to be easy and relaxing but in reality it is everything but that. I can't say when I will post next, but if anything major does happen, expect to hear from me.

Hope everyone has been well and if you're still reading this, thanks for the continued readership and support. It's been over four years since I started this blog and I've surprised I've made it this far. Here's to hopefully many more to come.

All the best,

JP