I love you.
I wish you knew how much I loved spending every waking moment we've had over the last two months. Cuddling on the couch, having dinner, just spending time with each other has made me feel something that I haven't felt in a very long time. You infuriate me, you annoy me, but I keep coming back because I want to spend time with you. I fucking love having you in my arms, being able to have you fall asleep in my lap, hear you go into your little soliloquies about military history, ships, and weaponry.
I know what we have would probably never work out in the long-term. You live half a country away, our personalities could probably not be any more different, and you say you don't want to jeopardize the friendship we have by taking things too far, but maybe that's why I want you so bad. I know we only have a few days left before you have to leave and it pains me thinking about how I won't see you again probably for almost another year.
Our 12 year+ long friendship has always been something I treasured. It's always been something that I never fully understood how it came to be, but I was so glad it did. We have shared more intimate moments than either of us want to admit or talk about, and I feel like there is something you want to say but won't. Maybe it's because we're both afraid to talk about it or maybe I'm just delusional thinking what we have is more than it really is.
I wish I had the courage to ask you do you feel the same way? Do you think about me before you go to bed? Do you wonder if you could spend every night together like we do when you come over for dinner and we watch a movie and you're curled up in my arms and I give you soft kisses on the back of your neck? Do you want to hold hands while ice skating again? Do you want to keep teasing me over my little obsessions? Do you like it when I joking call you Rozanov and you call me Hollander? Will you miss me in the same way that I will miss you when you leave?
Whatever we are and wherever we land, I hope you know that I love you. I will always cherish whatever we have with each other. Maybe one day our relationship will grow into something more, but I know right now, we will live in this beautiful, painful limbo where our actions may speak louder than our words
I didn’t want to get into this as deep as I did, but I can’t deny what I’m feeling now.
I know we probably won't be anything more than friends. I should appreciate what we have, the beauty of what we share, and move forward and look back fondly on what we have done and what is to come.
But I love you. Do you love me too?
