I wish I had someone I could just fully confide in with no judgement.
Someone I had no history with. Someone who I could tell my deep dark secrets to.
Someone I could just just tell all the things in my life which have weighed on me, the feelings I'm experiencing - the guilt and the joy, the thrill and the anger.
I've had a therapist before, and even then I never felt like I could fully open up. It always felt to clinical. I want a friend without the history - just someone who will listen, provide feedback, and give me a hug.
On the surface everything about my life looks perfect - I have a stable job, I have a nice house, I'm surrounding myself with friends who I love and adore, but underneath it all is a storm.
I'm starting to question so many things. My career, my relationships, and where and what I want my life to be.
I love my boyfriend, but between my post at the end of last year when I reconnected with a long time friend and some new friendships over the last year that have developed into more - physically and emotionally, I'm starting to realize I'm developing feelings for others. Is it just lust? Is it just wanting what you can't have? Is it just my old habits of caring for others too much when I know the should just be friends?
I don't know.
I'm a bad person. I should be honest and end things before they get too serious. But attention and lust is a drug. It makes me energetic. It makes be eager and excited in ways I haven't felt in years. It's the thrill of the chase. It's the thrill of the new, the novel, the exciting. It feels like young love. It feels like missed opportunities.
It's intoxicating and I crave it.
I don't want to end my relationship, but would that be the right, ethical thing to do? Am I in too deep now?
