Merry Christmas

 

Merry Christmas to all who celebrate - this year has been a truly special and unique time. I've heard some people say that the year flew by, some say it it dragged on; for me, I think it was the former. 

I give credit to a lot of changes in my life in the last year and a half which have been thrilling, but also brought me anxiety, nostalgia, joy, and also more questions than I have the capacity to answer anytime soon. I started a new job a little over a year ago, bought a new home, reconnected with old friends for the first time in almost 8 years, and am trying to understand what I am truly looking for my life - in love, in my career, and what I "should" be doing now that I have crested 30.

I'm hoping to return to this platform to share this journey with you, much like I did over a decade ago when I first started writing this blog as a 17 year old in high school figuring out his life, friendships, college, his sexuality, and what it meant to be in the world. The questions, the topics, the things that are on my mind obviously have changed, but I'm still the same boy, arguably now a man, who is typing behind a computer screen sharing his thoughts into a little corner of the internet.

So (re)join me, won't you?

-JP

First Love

Hi there.

It's been a while, eh? I'm sorry it's been over two years since I last shared something here. The pandemic, big life moments, job changes, and more really made the last two years fly by.

But I wanted to return to this now over 10 year old home of my thoughts, feelings, and self reflection because...well, I needed a space to share some things that have been on my mind. Things that have been weighing me down and things that I haven't felt in years.

Being in a relationship for over 10 years now, I forgot what it's like to experience young love. That feeling where you get to know someone for the first time and feel drawn in, and where everything they do, even the most banal things, make you feel excited and giddy. That feeling where you are eager to see that next text, that next Snap, that next notification pop up on the corner of your screen. I forgot what it was like falling in love for the first time where you are chasing the thrill - the thrill of the first kiss, the next conversation, the next time you would be able to hold them in your arms.

I don't know where I am right now. I've met someone. They aren't someone new, but someone I've "known" over over a decade that re-entered my life earlier this year after stars aligned and circumstances worked out. He's a friend who I never had a chance to meet in person, but knew online for now over a decade. A friend who I occasionally kept in touch with over the years - a random text or exchange once a year, sometimes with gaps many years in between. But earlier this year, things changed.

We finally met in person. He was up in DC - we spent a day together, we caught up after over 10 years of anticipation and friendship. And from that, a new, deeper friendship bloomed. We've talked every day since. We flirt, we send pics, we share boring updates about our lives, our sexier moments, and also things like our latest hobby or movie we watched. I started experiencing that first love feeling all over again.

This weekend, we had the chance to see each other again and spend a few precious hours together for only the second time this past year. We cuddled, we kissed, we let out 8 months of anticipation since last had a chance to spend time together. For me at least, sparks flew hotter than ever. We always knew that we wouldn't probably be able to make anything more of our relationship beyond a fiery friendship - he lives half a country away, I have a boyfriend, and realistically, I don't think we are the right fit for each other. But even with all that, I can't help but feel drawn to him. My heart flutters when we talk. I get jealous when I know he's talking and meeting other guys. I dream about him. What am I? 20 again?

I know this isn't good for me, and I know I need to stop what we have. But part of my does not. Part of me thinks, what if our lives getting crossed again for a reason? What if in another life, another time in the future, it's meant to be?

This is bad, but I keep wanting more.

JP