Your Eyes are the Size of the Moon

I keep feeling like I'm falling backwards whenever I make some progress towards getting over someone or something. Whether it's guys, accepting and respecting my own limits or just trying to figure out what I want to achieve in life, I'm always stuck swinging between extremes or occasionally having reality snap back and saying "no! stop overstepping your bounds."

Take Mark for example, I rarely see him now and I think that's a good thing. He's going out with his manager too which is a risky plan in my mind but that's not my area to judge, but anyways he's moving ahead with his life. I still have lingering feelings for him but it's gotten better compared to a few months ago. It's just a nuisance for this whole thing to have dragged me down for such a long time. I don't have the time or ability to deal with the stress involved on top of school work. I question if I do enter a relationship whether I would be able to balance that either. I see it going two ways, either it acting as a "rock" in my life like good friendships have for me thus far or something I would have to juggle along with everything else. If it's juggling, it's probably a sign that it's something that I should drop since a good relationship should act more like a "rock" for me than anything else.

The second problem I'm facing is that despite being around so many people, I can't seem to find any guys that I could get involved with. Most probably are closeted, and the ones that are out are too outrageous ("he's outrageous in so many ways, none of which are good" as I once told Maria about as guy) or are excellent about escaping my admittedly craptastic gaydar. The fact that I want someone who is just your guy-next-door kind of guy also makes things difficult. I just want someone who I can relate to, is funny, smart, can carry on a conversation, likes sports and enjoys one-on-one time as much as going out in groups. Is that too much to ask?

Beyond just guys though, I still feel like I'm judging my own self worth based on comparing myself to others. It's like I can't just say "okay, I'm my own person, I have my own dreams, ambitions and am just as capable as the next guy" and be fine with that, I need concrete results to backup my seemingly shaky self esteem which isn't wholly true. This is probably the biggest challenge I face right now, if I can get past this, I feel I can accomplish so much more.

While partially related to the last thing, I am still trying to get involved more on campus. I just submitted my candidacy statement for the Business School Academic Council - it's like student government for the business school where I would be a representative for the class of 2014 if I get elected. Campaigning starts tomorrow and runs for the week; elections take place next, next week. I've never run for a position in college so far so this is exciting but also kinda scary.

I've been going back to music to take the edge of things so here's a song from a few years ago that's playful and puts a smile on my face.


Panic at the Disco - Nine in the Afternoon

All the best,

JP