Mark got mono, and the birds in the trees say it was from hooking up with a guy during the later part of the past week.
Is this some God sent sign telling me to stay away from him and just say "no"? Or is this just some divinity-free consequence of his own doing?
We ran into him when he opened his door when he heard me, Liz, and my friend Anna talking in the hallway after spending a night in. He looked miserable, sick as a dog, and was unable to sleep. In that doorway, he was so...vulnerable. He's usually a symbol of power and authority, an admirable pillar of confidence and opinions; It shocked me to see him in such a pale, sickly state. Even so, in his robe and leaning against the frame of his door for support, he still was appealing. His brown eyes still cut through me like a freshly sharpened blade through butter and the softness of his features stilled showed through. I wanted him.
I need to stop lying to myself. I've fallen for him again. I tried telling myself he's bad for me, that he's not looking for a relationship and isn't into commitment. I've had three close friends it would only lead to trouble, but even that couldn't stop this from happening.
It's scary to think that months of working to get over him got undone in the span of a few days. It's like how building a sky scraper takes years, but a demolition team can bring it down in seconds. This isn't something I want to repeat; there's too much baggage that comes with it. My friends say I deserve better; I think I deserve someone who wants me just as much as I want him and Mark isn't ready for that, at least to the extent of my knowledge.
It's going to be October and November all over again. I feel it.
JP
Monastery and College 2023
3 months ago
Yup, mononucleosis; the bane of horny young people everywhere lol. Mark is going to be out of action for a few weeks and should not be doing any kissing for a few months at least. He will feel quite fatigued for a month or two. Ffs JP, stay good friends with Mark and work on it; give it time. But don't bet all your money on one horse cos there are lots of other worthy gay guys around. Keep in mind that hot looking guys don't stay that way unless they look after themselves as the years pass. I would rather have a face with character and a hot slim muscular body than just a cute face. Cute is shallow cos hormones and years quickly remove it. Just be friendly and fun with Mark and be a shoulder he can lean on. Then he will want to be with you. Time to go into Mr Spock mode and hit the books. bfn - Wayne :)
ReplyDeleteThis somewhat reminds me of the situation I am currently in, which I've recently been writing about as well... I think that you should follow your heart, but keep in mind to tread lightly.
ReplyDeleteIf from what you know or from what you are willing to ask of him, you figure that he currently isn't interested in what you want, then it probably wouldn't work, it would only lead to more heartache and resentment.
You cannot change a man and you cannot change Love nor your own feelings. At some point, you might have to ask yourself whether you love yourself more or enough to prevent further heartache. Perhaps in the future he'll be ready/wanting a genuine relationship, who knows? But until then, there's nothing else one can do but live on and hope for the best.
K.C.
The heart just doesn't listen to the mind.
ReplyDeleteAs for why he got mono, to quote my most recent favorit line: "People don't get what they deserve. They just get what they get."
Good luck.
If you go in expecting you'll repeat it, you will definitely repeat it.
ReplyDeleteKFC is right. I think things got to this point because you opened the door — wide. When you felt the stirrings, you said "Shall I follow my head or my heart?" You knew the right answer, but you couldn't bring yourself to follow it. But that's to be expected because in such close quarters — I must admit — it is nearly impossible for the head to overrule the heart. You'll have feelings for him as long as you have to see him so frequently. Unfortunately, unless he falls for you, it means you'll feel frustrated as long as your current feelings last. The good news is that eventually the desire will go away.
ReplyDeleteIt IS a sign. Do not fall into this again. I repeat, do not. You make it sound like you're some powerless being trapped under a sorcerer's spell. You are in charge. I definitely think that someone upstairs is trying to give you a hint. Whether or not you take it is up to you, but if it ends badly, which, I'm sorry to say, is exactly how it's looking right now, then it'll be your own damn fault.
ReplyDeleteThere will always be people to help you pick up the pieces of your broken heart, but even they have a limit when they know you're making choices you KNOW to be bad. When you hurt, people around you hurt, and I'm not talking about people on this blog. I'm talking about the real people in your life. Just think about it before you decide to run into a bad situation with someone who obviously doesn't value you.