Friday (A Scary Weekend Part I)

I’ve fucked up. This whole weekend has probably been one of the scariest and dizzying roller coaster rides in recent memory and likely in my life, and I’m kind of a wreck on the inside as a result. There’s too much to say in one post so I’ll probably have to split it up. Let me elaborate from the beginning.

Friday was my friend H’s birthday and we had all chipped in so she would have a good time. We had a champagne toast before dinner and went out to a Thai restaurant. We went back to campus afterwards, enjoyed cake (red velvet, which still scares me even if it does taste pretty good) and then the libations began flowing in her room. Mark had bought plenty of drinks for us and we played a few rounds of kings with Franzia and vodka which was fun but got boring after a while. I don’t why I drank so much Franzia as it tasted like a hybrid of diluted Welch’s grape juice with a splash of Burnett’s added for fun.

Sorry for going off track.

H was getting pretty drunk and was being kind of reckless with her drinking, purposefully losing rounds of Kings so she could have more. Around 11, Mark had to go to a Student Senate party and he could bring a handful of us with him. Apparently Mark convinced H to go by telling her Maudry was kicking her out of the room in order to hook up with a guy (not true). It ended up being me, Mark, H and another girl Nel who went to the party which was a couple of blocks away.

H was getting increasingly uncomfortable the entire walk over and kept wanting to turn back. She kept saying how everyone abandoned her and weren’t her true friends even though they simply didn’t feel like going out and that Mark could only bring a certain amount of poeple. Nel and I convinced her each time to at least stick around for a little while more and we eventually got her inside. It was a small gathering as Mark had said and while he went off talking to the other senators, Nel, H and I stood to the side until H said she wanted to go again. Nel and I walked her over to the living room where she began to get very upset that she wasn’t having a good time and just wanted to go to bed. I went to go talk to Mark about trying to get the others to come talk to her and make her feel better but unknown to me, as we were talking, H had convinced Nel to leave and they slipped away unnoticed.

By this point I was upset because H was an emotional mess and I felt horrible for having unintentionally abandoning her. Since they left, only me and Mark were left at the party, alone in the living room trying to figure out what to do. In a matter of seconds however our conversation slipped from H to Mark telling me that he didn’t want a relationship yet but still being physically attracted to me. After a brief back and forth, we found ourselves behind a corner of a wall making out like it was nobody’s business. When we pulled ourselves apart, he told me he would text me when he got back to the dorm. He had to go back to the other senators and I went back to the dorms.

I found Nel and the others in my friend L’s room and she was still visibly upset. I talked to her for a second before she left to talk to Nel in her room. I stayed in L’s room for a while and told them about what happened during the walk which upset them and became one of the main topics of conversation. For about two hours we sat and talked in the common room before Mark came back from the multiple parties he ended up attending that night. He went to hang out with his friends for a while before I split off and went back to my room.

He came up after a while and after an exchange of “hi”s we starting going at it. This was the first time I had hooked up with anyone since the end of October and the last person I hooked up with was Mark again, before I became an emotional wreck over him. During and after we were hooking up, we talked about how a hookup can just be a hookup and that we should just leave it at that. He wasn’t in to hooking up too often but said he wouldn’t mind getting together occasionally for some fun. I obviously agreed, and at that note we said goodnight.

When my roommate came back, I told him I thought he knew who I was with. After some prodding, he guessed Mark and I told him yes. I asked if he was okay with it and being the chill guy he is, he said of course and that was that. Mind you, he hadn’t had a thing to drink all night so this wasn’t some drunken exchange, well at least on his end. Coming out to him this way probably wasn’t the best idea in the world but the fact that it turned out as well as it did makes me feel better.

The next day I went home to meet up with Maria for lunch and to hang out and I told her about what had happened and my worries about what’s next. If you guys knew about my situation with Mark back in the fall, you know I fell for him and fell for him hard. In fact, I only recently got over him and accepted the fact that we probably wouldn’t go any further than just being friends. I still question today though whether I really did get over him all the way. I realize I most likely still do harbor residual feelings for him and always will. After getting together with him again, I worry that it will be the October fiasco all over if I become emotionally attached again, which, to be honest, is a very real possibility.

Yes, I would love a relationship, and yes I would love for that to be with Mark, but I know that won’t happen, at least for a long while. I’m trying to keep what I have with Mark as light on the emotional baggage as possible while letting the physical run rampant. Maria said that getting back together with Mark would be bad for me on many levels and I can see where she is coming from since I’ve told her almost everything and she knows me better than I know myself.
Another thing that worries me is that Mark can be rather hedonistic at times and he’s said he wouldn’t mind “being a piece of ass” for the senior guys over at where he works. That shouldn’t bother be since it’s his life and he can do whatever he wants, but it’s something that’s sticking in my head more than it probably should.

What I want to do is seemingly impossible- get together with a guy I had fallen head over heels with on a exclusively just for fun basis. The only advantage I have on my side that I didn’t before is that I know this time that I shouldn’t pursue him like I did before. Back then I thought I had a chance with Mark, but now I know better. As long as I keep that fact in my mind I think I should be fine and be able to just enjoy the moment. I think.

If you’ve gotten to this point, thanks, this was a terribly long post. I just really needed to get this off my chest. Plus, I promise my Saturday story is even worse (better?).

Yikes, I’m scaring myself just thinking about it.

All the best,

JP